by Jessica Marx
I’ve run through this conversation countless times. Now that it’s happening, I can’t find the words. I always imagined there would be a struggle just getting in the door. It’s been too easy so far. I need a different approach than I originally planned.
“Don’t bother Beth. She’s happy now.”
Ouch. Apparently Dan is not in the loop.
“I’ve seen Beth. She doesn't appear to happy. In fact, she just broke up with her boyfriend.”
I see Dan’s cheeks getting red - a tell tale sign that a storm is brewing. It used to scare the shit out of us when we were younger. I’m a man now. I’m not afraid.
“I hope you didn’t fuck things up for her, Shane.”
“What?”
“You may be a ‘good guy’ - building a community center, helping people - but that does not make you good for my daughter. I will never understand what she saw in you.”
Deep breath. I can’t let this get out of hand. I need to leave here on good terms. “Love. She saw love. I never cared about anyone or anything as much as I cared for her - as much as I still care for her.”
“Jesus, Shane. Did you learn nothing?”
“I learned a lot, Dan. You sending me away was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life.”
“Then why the fuck are you back?”
“I changed. I made my life better. I came back to help others. I came back for Beth. I understood - you didn’t want me going down the wrong path. It took me a long time to forgive you - to understand. You didn’t want me to turn out…like you.”
“Like me? What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you being a dirty cop.”
“I’ve never done anything ‘dirty’ - not one time in over twenty years of service. Are you crazy?”
“Crazy?” I raise my voice, “You were there. That night. It was you. You were the guy who was supposed to take the car from me.”
“Shit,” Dan comments quietly. He takes a long swig of his beer.
“‘Shit’ is right,” I start, “I loved cars. I was so happy to get that valet job - and I made decent money doing it - but it was never enough.” I sip my beer, “My mother was such a mess. We were on the verge of being evicted. She hadn’t paid a bill in months. I took care of her. I took care of everything - but it was never enough.”
“Shane,” Dan says, as I stop to take another drink.
“No, please, let me finish. I’ve waited a long time to get this off my chest.”
He takes another drink, leans back, and nods, respecting my request.
“When I got to work that afternoon, one of the guys asked me if I wanted to make some money - like real money. Of course I agreed. We needed the money. I didn’t care what I had to do. He explained the job - I just had to take this one car and drop it off with the guy at the industrial lot. He would take it from there. Easy money. One and done.” I take another drink. Dan remains silent so I can continue, “I knew it was wrong. I knew I could get in some serious trouble. I didn’t care. It was worth the chance. I did what I thought I had to do. Can you imagine my surprise when I got to the drop off point and saw you? Big Dan. Officer of the year, dressed like every other thug, ready with cash in hand. How can you say you’ve never done anything dirty? It doesn’t get much dirtier than that.”
I run my hand through my hair. Years of anger and suppressed emotions are coursing through me, “you told me to leave - not to say goodbye. You gave me a speech about making something better of myself - be a man you can be proud of. Become someone others can respect. Yet there you were, handing me a fistful of cash to sever ties with your family - the family that was proud of you. The family that respected you. What a joke.” I sneer at Dan, “Well, the joke’s on you. I did it. I made a great life for myself. I took care of my mother - I even helped her get sober. I became someone respected. I’m proud of the man I am now.”
I stop talking and collect my thoughts again. I don’t want to yell at Dan - it’s just very emotional. He still doesn’t interrupt me.
“I didn’t want to take the money from you - it killed me to do it - but what choice did I have? You’re a cop. You could turn me in at any time. No one would believe me over you. You didn’t leave me much of a choice, but I’m glad I did. Honestly, I should thank you.”
“Thank me?” he raises his eyebrows and continues to listen.
“Yes. That was a lot of money for a kid. That may have been my first time, but it wouldn’t have been last. I would have wound up getting caught at some point - maybe even gotten into worse things. I never wanted to leave Beth - to leave your family - but I’m a better man because of it - and for that, I thank you.”
I lean back against the counter again. I feel the weight of the last eight years physically come off my shoulders. I did it.
“Shane,” Dan starts, “you don’t understand.”
I look at him, puzzled.
“What I did that night helped you in more ways than you know.”
“What do you mean?” Dan isn’t a man of many words. I give him time to speak.
“I never disrespected my badge. I never did anything to soil my name.” Dan sighs and finishes the last of his beer. “I was working undercover. I’d been working that case for months. We were trying to bust the chop shop. That was a huge illegal car ring you got yourself involved in. We didn’t care as much about the runners - you - as we did the big guys. I’d been working in that position many nights. I knew you weren’t a regular.” He takes a moment to catch his breath, “Shane, I knew you weren’t a bad kid. I knew you never did anything like that before. You had a shitty childhood and a tough life. When you and Tommy became friends, I vowed to myself that I was going to help you. That I was going to be the man - the father - you needed so desperately in your life. That night was the one and only time I ever turned my back on my duty and looked the other way. Me letting you go, me giving you that money - that was my final way of helping you - the best way I could think of.”
Dan stops again and opens the fridge. He takes out two more beers. He holds one out toward me but I shake my head ‘no’. I stay quiet while he opens one for himself and takes a swig. I don’t want to interrupt his train of thought.
After a long swallow, Dan starts again, “You may not have been the kind of guy I wanted for my daughter, but I knew you just needed some guidance. I knew you weren’t bad. Life just dealt you a shitty hand. You reminded me a lot of myself - how I grew up. I didn’t have anyone to take me under their wing. I had to learn the hard way. I could have gone down the wrong road too. I got lucky - real lucky - I just wanted you to have the same chance,” Dan admits.
I stare at him open mouthed. This is not what I expected to hear at all. None of it. Everything makes so much more sense now.
Dan holds his bottle up in front of him, “cheers. Here’s to making good choices and life changes.”
I clink my bottle against his. “Dan. I really don’t know what to say. I never knew…”
“Of course you didn’t. No one did.”
We stand in the kitchen in silence - two men who have a lot more in common than anyone would ever guess.
“Dan?” I hear Mo’s unmistakable voice call from the foyer.
Dan looks at me, “in the kitchen Mo.”
Maureen steps through the threshold to the kitchen and stops dead in her tracks, “Shane?”
I smile at her. A lump forms in my throat. Mo was always more of a mother to me than my own. I realize now that I missed her much more than I thought.
Mo runs over and hugs me, “Shane. I can’t believe it’s really you! Here, in my kitchen. I always hoped you would come back home…” she pauses mid sentence.
Mo stops herself and takes a step back. She looks from me to Dan, and back to me again. She may easily forgive and forget, but she’s well aware that Dan usually doesn’t.
“You both look way too serious for a homecoming. What’s going on?”
Beth
“Holy shit.”
“How many times are you going to repeat that?” Shane asks.
Shane and I are sitting across from each other at the restaurant in his hotel recapping the crazy day with one another.
We spoke when I got back here last night, but everything is just sinking in. The whole situation is crazy - start to finish.
“Come on, dude, I’ve waited eight fucking years to hear that story.”
“I know, dude,” Shane mocks me.
“It’s just not even close to anything I would have guessed it to be,” I reply, considering the many scenarios I had imagined over the years. “I can’t believe you thought my dad was a dirty cop this whole time.”
“How could I not?”
“You know my dad well enough to know he’s not like that.”
“And you know me well enough to know that I’m not a criminal, but we all have our moments.”
“Touche.”
“It’s just hard to imagine it all going down. Couldn’t my father have just given you a warning and not sent you away?”
“He did the right thing - well, kind of. A warning wouldn’t have set me straight. He changed my life. We have a whole new understanding for each other. I actually admire the guy now.”
I chuckle, “that’s sweet,” then a thought dawns on me, “he’s lucky. How did no one question him giving you the money and letting you go? He could have lost his job - or worse.”
“He was undercover. He’d been doing it for a while. That’s how he knew it was my first time. He gives the runner the money, then takes the car to the shop. I was never really a part of the whole operation so I was never thought of again.”
“Crazy.” I ponder the events that followed Shane’s departure from our lives.
After all this time, I’m blown away. I hated my father - and I hated Shane. My father for driving him out of my life and Shane for leaving and taking his bribe. Now that I’ve heard the whole story, it all makes sense.
I wonder if my father is truly okay with Shane and I being together now. He knows Shane’s a decent man - he made him that way. He can’t have any hesitations anymore. Plus, I’m a woman now. I don’t need his approval and blessing, but I want it.
“And how about your day? What do you think the Westbrooks got themselves into?”
“Who knows. I don’t care, as long as I’m not a part of it anymore.” A vision of Claire sitting there, all alone, crosses my mind.
“What?” Shane asks, concerned, reacting to the look on my face.
“Claire. She looked so broken. That could have been me one day.”
“I don’t think so. You wouldn’t let Chad walk all over you like that.”
Wouldn’t I?
“Maybe, maybe not,” I reply, contemplating the question.If Shane hadn’t come back into my life, would I ever have left Chad - even if I knew? It’s hard to say. There were so many signs - I should have known. Maybe I just didn’t care enough to pay attention. Maybe I didn’t love him enough. Maybe just like Claire, I just dealt with it so I could coast along in my comfortable life. I wasn’t in love, I wasn’t truly happy - but I was okay - I was satisfied. Chad wasn’t everything I wanted, but he was everything I thought I needed.
Shane made me see that I was living a lie. Not just because he exposed Chad as a cheater, but by showing me what true love really feels like. Having Shane here didn’t only change my relationship, it changed my whole outlook on life - and myself. I’m better than that. I deserve better. I know that now.
And now, I have it.
“Ms. Kaminsky?” a strange man asks, approaching the table.
“Yes?” I reply.
“We need to ask you a few questions.”
“What is this in regard to?” Shane asks protectively.
“We need to speak to Ms. Kaminsky.”
“About what? Who are you?” I ask nervously.
“Can you come with us, please?”
“I’m not going anywhere with you!” I reply.
The taller of the two men removes a billfold from his pocket and shows me a badge. The other man is smaller and looks like a sidekick of some kind from a crime show. He shows me his badge as well. FBI. What the hell is going on?
“We just need to ask you some questions, Ms. Kaminsky. It will only take a few minutes.”
“Okay,” I answer reluctantly.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong - certainly nothing that would warrant a visit from the FBI. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be careful. I’ve heard enough horror stories about situations like this.
“Where are we going?” I ask, standing up. I eyeball Shane who looks like a wild animal about to pounce.
“For now, management gave us use of one of their conference rooms. It’s on the second floor.”
I feel somewhat relieved that I don’t have to leave the building.
“I’m coming,” Shane asserts. He throws cash down on the table and stands up.
“You can come upstairs, but we need to speak to Ms. Kaminsky in private.”
I can almost see the smoke coming from Shane’s ears. I want him to be with me, but maybe it’s better if he doesn’t get involved until I know what’s going on. He takes my hand in his. We follow the men to the elevator and ride up in silence.
We near the room. It’s glass. Shane should feel a little better that he can at least see what’s going on - even if he can’t hear.
“Shouldn’t she have a lawyer?” he blurts as we near the door.
“That’s not necessary at this point, Mr…” the shorter man says.
“Andrews. Shane Andrews.”
The man raises his eye brows, like the name means something to him, “Mr. Andrews.”
“I’m calling Tommy,” Shane says almost desperately as I walk into the room with the men.
Shane
Fuck! Why can’t things be simple - just once?
Pick up, Tommy, come on.
I get Tommy’s voice mail for the third time in a row. I send him a text to call me.
Beth’s only been in the room for fifteen minutes, but not knowing what they’re saying in there is torture. What the fuck is going on?
It’s got to be something to do with Chad. He’s out of the picture and still making Beth’s life miserable. I already know he’s got some shady deals going on. It’s got to be his fault the fucking FBI is talking to Beth right now.
I continue to pace back and forth, like I have been since she walked in the room. I should have insisted on a lawyer. She should have. Coming from a family of cops and detectives - she should know better. Hopefully she at least knows not to say anything that might incriminate her.
Beth didn’t know about any of Chad’s business deals. There’s really nothing she can say to get herself into trouble. She should be able to answer their questions, leave, and never look back.
Then why the fuck is she still in there?
Beth
“Thanks for your time,” the taller man, who I now know as Agent Flannery, says.
“No problem,” I reply.
“You may be hearing from us again soon,” Agent Borgman, the sidekick, adds.
“Great,” I answer, sarcastically.
Shane runs to my side as soon as I exit the room.
The two agents nod at Shane and make their way over to the elevator.
“What the hell was that all about?” Shane asks anxiously.
“Honestly? I’m still not one hundred percent sure.”
“Well, what were they asking you about? What was it all about?”
“Chill out,” I say exasperated. I’m still letting everything sink in.
Then calmer, “Sorry. I’m a little on edge. I’ll tell you everything.”
“Holy shit,” Shane says.
“You sound like I did this morning.”
He chuckles. “Yeah. It’s been that kind of day.”
“Seriously.”
We sit in the hotel room silently going through the in
formation - the parts we know anyway. It’s hard to believe any of it is true.
“I think Tommy will be able to make more sense of everything,” Shane says.
“Maybe. I don’t know how involved he is with the FBI, though.”
“He can get more information than we can, I’m sure.”
“Maybe,” I answer, “who knows? I’ve never been involved in anything like this.”
“That’s a good thing, babe. Nice to know you’ve been steering clear of criminal activities while I was gone.”
I roll my eyes, “shut up,” I joke, “you know what I mean. I just don’t fully understand what’s going on. It doesn’t make sense.”
“It does - or it will - anyway. Maybe Chad is innocent.”
“You know as well as I do - he’s probably not,” I answer sadly.
How could I not know any of this? How could I be working with a guy, dating him - living with him - and not know about any of his business?
I’m not telling Shane, but I’m worried. Obviously, I didn’t know anything, but even I wouldn’t believe me if I were an outsider.
A girl dates a guy for years, gets a job with his family, moves into his house, and knows nothing about his life. I worked with the Westbrooks too long to be innocent. I should have known.
I think of Claire again. I wonder if she knows what’s going on. She doesn’t mind her husband having other lovers, who’s to say what else she turns a blind eye to.
“Let’s get going,” Shane says, standing up.
He steps behind me and rests his hands on my shoulders. I squeeze Shane’s hands and stand up to face him, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he replies.
I reach up on my tippy toes and kiss him on the lips. Shane pulls me closer, wrapping me in his arms. He parts my lips with him tongue, immersing me in a deep kiss. I melt into him and match his fervor. Shane’s warm mouth on mine, his tongue encircling mine, make me want to forget everything else.
Shane slows his kiss and gently bites my lip - what I’ve come to know as his signature move. I wish we didn’t have to leave.