After what felt like hours, someone whistled for the match to end, and though I’d clearly lost, Sharmaine held out her hand to shake as was the custom, and said, “You’re really improving. I’m impressed.” Where Raidyn’s smiles were slow to coax into existence, and Loukas’s were in overabundance, Sharmaine had an easygoing kind of cheerfulness about her—a genuine kindness that radiated from her face and her encouraging grins.
“You don’t have to say that.” I groaned and reached up to massage a particularly sore spot on my left shoulder as we both walked over to the side of the ring to get water and take off our sweaty pads. The training arena was built with one main ring in the center, open to viewing, and smaller rooms surrounding it for other types of training, separated by a wide walkway around the entire main ring, some with doors and walls so thick they blocked all sound—and blasts of power. I’d learned that this was where all those diamonds were made, from Paladin who could channel their power into streams of blue flame, so hot that if they managed to maintain it long enough, it turned mere rock into the valuable stones. Well, valuable in my world. Here they were too abundant to be worth nearly as much. “I think you landed three hits for every one of mine.”
Sharmaine laughed, a light, contagious sound. “Two days ago it was at least five to one, so you see? You are getting better.”
“Gee, thanks.” I couldn’t help but laugh with her—just like I couldn’t help but like her, regardless of the way she looked at Raidyn, and he at her. When they were together, they seemed to gravitate around one another. They each had an awareness of the other that made me almost embarrassed to watch them, as if I were witnessing something intimate—private. The little glances, the almost unconscious touches at the elbow or hand. I knew of jealousy in theory, having read about it in stories and believing I’d experienced it when Halvor had shown more interest in Inara than me, but I realized I’d never truly experienced it before … until now. That’s what the helpless yearning inside me was when I saw them together, the hurt that was part anger and part longing.
Almost as if I’d conjured him with my thoughts, the door banged across from us and Raidyn and Loukas walked into the arena together, Loukas grinning as always and Raidyn nodding with a half smile at something he’d said.
“Oh, perfect—I needed to ask him something.” Sharmaine quickly unwound the last of the wraps on her hands and shoved them in a knapsack where she kept her sparring supplies. “Great match, Zuhra. I’ll see you soon, yes?”
“Oh, um, yes. Thanks,” I responded lamely as she hurried away with a little wave in my direction, her knapsack slung over one slim shoulder, her eyes bright and her cheeks flushed from the exertion of our match.
She was breathtakingly lovely and so nice. So good. And she was a Paladin. She belonged here.
I forced myself to look away, rather than torture myself by watching them greet one another, talk to one another. I didn’t know why it mattered so much to me. It shouldn’t have … But all of mother’s lessons on attracting a man, on capturing myself a husband if I was ever given a chance, crowded my head … and my heart. Though it felt cruel to admit, knowing that he most likely hadn’t survived the rakasa attack, I realized now how little I’d actually felt toward Halvor Roskery. He’d been kind and friendly and a boy, and only the last had ever been a requirement to warrant thinking of him as a potential husband, according to my mother. But it had taken meeting Raidyn to truly understand. Part of me wished I could go back to not understanding, because it hurt a lot more on this side of the equation.
“Shar says you got some good hits in today.”
I glanced up at Loukas’s voice in time to see him taking a seat beside me on one of the benches that were set up around the outside of the training ring. My grandfather was gone, and Raidyn and Sharmaine were nowhere to be seen. I’d hoped he’d been coming to get me to go flying, but maybe he’d forgotten … or changed his mind.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I finally responded, with what I hoped passed for a smile.
Loukas’s eyes narrowed, and I quickly busied myself with finishing removing the pads. One of the ties had grown knotted during the match and my shaky fingers couldn’t get purchase to undo it.
“Here, let me,” Loukas offered, reaching out to the mess.
“Thanks.” I turned slightly to give him better access.
His fingers brushed my ribs as he worked, but other than an awareness of how close he sat to me, it did nothing else to me—it would have been no different if Sharmaine had been the one to help. Not like Raidyn, who could set my nerves on edge with a mere look. Why? I wondered, not for the first time. Loukas was every bit as attractive as Raidyn, maybe even more so with his brilliant green eyes and midnight dark hair. He was also kind, and he was happy—funny, lighthearted. So why couldn’t I have felt this way about him? Was it the sanaulus? Was that the only reason? Or was it something more … something deeper?
“There you go. Free at last,” he announced a moment later, but his fingers still lingered at my side.
“Thanks,” I repeated, shifting slightly, but still, he didn’t move.
“I’ve been told you were raised in the Paladin citadel in Vamala without a single male around your entire life.” Loukas bent a little closer, so that the warmth of his breath brushed my ear.
I stiffened, alarmed but not sure what to do about it. I didn’t want to offend him, but—
“So you are probably supremely unaware of how useful a tool jealousy can be,” he continued, getting even closer, his hand slipping beneath my padding to rest on my hip, and his mouth close enough to my ear to brush it.
“Louk, what are you—”
I twisted, the rest of my confused rebuke dying on my lips when I saw Raidyn staring at us from across the ring, his face a mask, but his lips thin. My stomach clenched into a sudden knot.
“Just trust me,” Loukas whispered with a soft snicker, his face bent toward mine. I flushed, my eyes still on Raidyn, who stared right back, his irises flaring dangerously as his long legs ate up the distance between us. Loukas finally pulled back with a louder laugh, as if I’d just said something hilarious instead of my angry half shout that I hoped Raidyn hadn’t heard. But he waited until Raidyn was only a few feet away to slip his hand out from under my padding with agonizing slowness, as if making certain Raidyn couldn’t miss it.
My cheeks flamed hotter than any fire I’d ever sat beside.
“I … I don’t…”
Before I could even form a coherent thought, Raidyn halted a few feet away and bit out, “I’m sorry to disturb you two, but I came to see if you still wished to go with me or not, Zuhra.”
“Oh, did you have plans with Raid, already?” Loukas jumped in before I could answer and it took nearly all my self-control to resist using the training I’d engaged in over the last few days to close his mouth for him. “It’s up to you, Zu.”
Zu? I gaped at him in mute shock.
Something flashed in Raidyn’s eyes but he merely clamped his teeth together, a muscle in his jaw flexing from the force of it. With a tiny nod, he turned on his heel and stormed away.
I stared at his retreating form, dumbstruck and … furious.
“What is wrong with—”
“Now’s the part where you go after him,” Loukas cut me off, with a little push in between my shoulders, forcing me to my feet.
“What?”
“Go after him, Zuhra. And enjoy your flight!”
I snarled at him I was so mad, but Raidyn was already halfway across the ring again, so I did as Loukas suggested and rushed to follow him before he disappeared.
“Raidyn—wait!”
He paused at my shout, but didn’t turn.
“I wanted to come,” I called again, running to catch him, heedless of anyone else who might see or hear. Loukas was right, I had no experience in these matters, and I certainly had never heard of using jealousy as a tool, but I did know one thing—Raidyn had saved my life, and he’d done nothing but tr
y to help me, and I couldn’t bear to see him mad at me.
Though I didn’t know why he would be.
When I reached his side, I had to push a hand into my side to try and stem a cramp from sprinting so soon after a long match. “I’m sorry—I, uh…” My apology limped to a halt when I realized I had no idea what to apologize for. It seemed arrogant to assume I’d hurt him. Maybe I’d read it wrong. Maybe he was relieved by Loukas’s supposed interest and had seen the opportunity to shake me.
“You don’t have to come, if you don’t wish to,” he said, not looking at me. “I don’t want to interrupt.”
“You aren’t—you weren’t—I just—” I lapsed into uncomfortable silence for several long moments while he just waited. “I want to go with you,” I finally finished, quiet and miserable. Thanks so much, Loukas. If thoughts were capable of being sent mind to mind, I would have shot that one straight into his skull like a blast of my father’s power, knocking him to the ground.
There was a baited pause, but then finally he sighed and said, “All right. Then let’s go.”
He continued forward, still not looking at me, and I scrambled to follow.
We were silent the entire way out of the training ring and as he marched across the fields toward the gryphons’ stables, me struggling to keep up without breaking into a jog. His legs were just so long. How did anyone walk that fast?
“Raidyn, I know you probably don’t care,” I finally summoned the courage to at least try to salvage the situation before we were trapped on a gryphon together, “but that was all Loukas. I don’t know what he was trying to do, but—”
“You might be innocent, but you can’t be that naïve,” Raidyn immediately responded.
“I-I’m…”
“Surely even you can understand what it means when a man has his hand on your body and his mouth on your ear.”
I reeled back, stumbling to a stop, stunned by the caustic bite to his words that I’d never heard before.
“I-I’m s-sorry,” I stuttered, humiliated to find myself near tears.
I don’t know what made him stop and turn, looking at me at last, but when his gaze met mine, the hard set of his shoulders softened. He closed his eyes for a second before taking two quick strides to reach my side, lifting his hand as though he would touch my arm before letting it drop once more.
“No, Zuhra, it is I who am sorry.” This time when he spoke, his voice was low and grave. “That was cruel of me and uncalled for. You couldn’t possibly have known—” He cut off abruptly, but before I could even form a question, continued, “Regardless, if you and Loukas are growing … close … I am happy for you.”
“No, you don’t—”
“And I’m happy you still wish to go with me and Naiki. I already told her you were coming and she seemed excited about it.” He smiled at me, a real smile, one of the first with teeth and everything, and yet it somehow didn’t reach his eyes, where an infinite sadness shaded them almost navy. They weren’t as bright as they’d been earlier, as if he’d already drained some of his power at some point this morning.
I wanted to protest more, to demand he explain himself, but instead, like the coward I was, I merely asked, “She can understand you that well?”
He lifted one shoulder in an approximation of a shrug. “I like to think so, and we’ve had enough experiences together that lead me to believe I’m right.”
When he turned to continue on to the stables this time, there was no more anger in the strong lines of his body, but the strange cloud that hovered over him now was worse for some reason.
With a sigh, and a mental reminder to beat the fire out of Loukas at the next possible chance, I slowly followed after.
* * *
“I think this will be easier if you sit in front of me. That way you can hold on to the reins and you’ll probably feel more secure,” Raidyn suggested when we stood beside Naiki in the field a little while later, after saddling the gryphon and leading her out from the stall where she’d been finishing her lunch. After six full days of training and little else, I’d forgotten how huge the creatures were.
“All right,” I agreed hesitantly. I’d been eager to fly, but now that the time had come, I found myself nervous for some reason. Possibly because the last time I’d nearly died. But I wasn’t in shock this time, so I didn’t anticipate falling off again.
“Do you want some help getting up?” Raidyn offered politely, sounding completely cordial, as if speaking to a near stranger. For some reason, it cut straight through me.
I stared up at Naiki’s haunches, barely within reach of my hands if I stretched, and swallowed. “Um, yes, please.”
Raidyn nodded and moved to stand beside me. “Lift your leg, like this.” He demonstrated, creating an angle so that his shin was parallel to the ground. “I will grab your leg and help hoist you in the air. Then you can get hold of the saddle and pull yourself up.”
I inhaled with a little nod. “All right.”
“Ready?”
I nodded again.
“Give me your leg, then.”
I did as he’d shown, bending my leg and turning to face Naiki, who waited patiently on her back haunches, wings outstretched to the earth so we could access the saddle without trampling over them. Raidyn bent beside me, and wrapped his hands around my leg. His touch seared me, even through the leather of my boots. I could feel the strength in his grip even before he counted to three, told me to jump, and then launched me into the air, sending me high enough to easily swing my other leg over the saddle and grab on to the reins, settling into place. He grabbed the pommel in front of me, his arm crossing over one of my thighs and the back edge of the saddle, and vaulted himself up into the seat behind me. On the ride here, I’d been aware of his body against mine, but with everything else that had happened that day, it had been a mere drop in an ocean of emotions crashing over me.
Today, as his arms circled my waist, one of his hands closing over mine on the reins, his powerful thighs squeezing Naiki tightly right behind mine, I found it hard to even breathe normally. Each nerve and muscle in my body seemed attuned to his every movement and touch, rather than minor things like making my heart beat normally instead of galloping in my chest, or reminding my lungs to inhale and exhale without my breath catching somewhere in my throat.
“Ready?” he asked as he settled into his seat behind me.
I nodded, afraid he would hear the effect he had on me in my voice.
Little sparks of heat ignited at every point where his body met mine—my back, my waist, my belly. One of his hands suddenly splayed across it, holding me tightly pressed against him as he made a whistling noise to Naiki, signaling her to clamber to her feet and charge forward. Her wings stretched out as she took one powerful leap, and then we were airborne.
I gasped as we quickly gained height, the ground dropping away as we climbed and climbed into the air.
“I love it up here.” Raidyn bent forward so that his lips were in my hair when he spoke.
“How did you become a Rider?” I turned my face slightly so he could hear me, inadvertently making his mouth brush my cheek. He didn’t immediately pull away; in fact, in the periphery of my vision it almost looked like his eyes closed briefly, his head dipping forward so his nose gently touched my temple. The closest thing I’d ever felt to the Paladin’s fire ignited deep in my belly, tightening every muscle there. It was second nature to lean back more fully into his body, so that his arms tightened infinitesimally around me, his biceps pressed into the sides of my rib cage, and his hand on my belly slid further around me, coming to rest on my hip instead.
“I always wanted to be a Rider,” he answered at last, his mouth moving against the skin of my cheek where it still rested. “But not everyone who wishes to be a Rider gets to actually become one.”
Naiki coasted over the city, high above the gleaming rooftops of countless Paladin homes as he spoke, her wings outstretched and her face upturned to the sun. I felt no fear a
nymore, only exhilaration: it was just Raidyn and the wind and my heart thundering beneath the cage of my ribs.
“The gryphon has to choose you, when it is born. The bond between Rider and gryphon is sacred,” he continued, his hand moving against my hip, almost as if he wasn’t even aware of it, the tiny stroking of his fingertips against the strip of bare skin where my tunic had pulled free from my breeches sending waves of delicious heat through my body. I gripped the reins in suddenly trembling hands. “I was lucky that Naiki chose me. She knew, somehow, that I … I needed her. That without her … I would have been lost.” His voice was slightly hoarse, and his fingers on my waist dug into my flesh more fully, making me think he was fully aware of what he was doing now.
I tried to absorb what he’d shared with me—what it meant—but I could barely think of anything other than the heat of his body wrapped around mine, of the feel of his fingers on my skin, and his words from earlier ringing in my mind. Surely even you can understand what it means when a man has his hands on your body and his mouth on your ear …
I knew what it had meant to Loukas—nothing. A game … a wicked game for some reason. But what did it mean to Raidyn? To this gentle man who held me in his arms, who could speak and touch with such tenderness, but who held himself so controlled at all times, so much of him hidden—so much hurt and pain buried deep within that he could destroy a leather bag with one brutal hit?
“I’m glad you have her,” I said at last, hoping the wind masked the shakiness, the breathlessness.
“I am too.” His mouth moved against my skin with every word and I had the sudden enticing thought that if I turned my face just a bit more, his lips would brush mine.
And suddenly I’d never wanted anything more than that—to have him kiss me. But I didn’t dare … as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to move.
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