by C. L. Donley
“You’re dead to me,” was all Adam kept saying, hauling his exhausted body back to the truck, his brow split and bleeding, his eye swelling.
“Adam, please!!” Corey’s begging cries split the sky as Adam’s engine rumbled out of the driveway. Jo wailed all over again as they drove off, the day becoming more and more surreal.
18
Chapter 18
All was quiet on the way back to Jo’s house save for her intermittent sobs punctuating the persistent rumble of Adam’s diesel. They sat motionless for a moment in the driveway and Adam killed the engine. He sat for a while, realizing that the alibi conversation was actually pretty smart. Gus knew Adam was gonna call Jo. Eventually. And she would need to know what the lie was gonna be and how to play along consistently when Gus wasn’t around.
“Listen, I don’t know all what Gus said to you. That night. One day, I want you to tell me. But not today,” Adam broke the silence.
Jo gave him a slight nod of understanding. “I’ve got a first aid kit inside.”
“I’m not coming inside.”
“…Adam—”
“Jo, I have to go. And I have to go right now. Because I’ve never felt more betrayed in my entire life, and I need to be by myself.”
Jo squeezed her eyes even further shut in shame and tears fell. An “I’m sorry” was just below the surface of her throat, but it seemed so insufficient. She held a ball of tissue under her nose.
“And then I’m gonna come back. But I need to know that you’re gonna pull through. I just need you to be strong for a second, can you do that?”
Jo nodded.
“I need to hear you say that you trust me. Do you trust me?”
Jo nodded again.
“Say, ‘I trust you, Adam.’”
“I trust you, Adam.”
“Good. Now, I don’t know how long I need to be gone. But you can call me. Whatever you need,” he assured her as he started the sputtering engine back up. Jo gingerly got out of her seat and opened the passenger door. Part of her wanted him to help her out of the truck and into the house, but he was eerily zoned out in a way that she’d never seen, but that seemed to be familiar to him.
This was all her fault. If she’d trusted him from the beginning, none of this would’ve happened. But hindsight was 20/20. Looking back this was still, unfortunately, inevitable.
“Adam, where are you going?”
“Nowhere. Call me Jo, I mean it,” he shouted over the sound of the engine.
“Okay.”
Adam pulled off and Jo stared until the engine was just a faint murmur in the distance. She closed her eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
* * *
Jo didn’t call. She worked. She worked and worked.
She wanted to stay on her feet as long as the pregnancy would allow, and she wanted to start early. She wanted to keep her mind off of all the havoc she’d wrought. And with Adam gone, it was easier to pretend as though none of it’d happened. Though her pre-natal fatigue was getting harder and harder to ignore. Oddly, it didn’t fill her with dread and loathing. She didn’t want to jump off of a building. It was a hopeful reminder that wherever Adam was, he would be back. He may never forgive her, but he would be back. For this. He would always be back.
She did take care of one dreaded piece of business, which was to tell her immediate circle.
“I’m pregnant, mama. And I’m keepin’ it,” Jo disclosed to her mom when she picked Judah up. Belinda was stunned but steady.
“Pregnant? By who?”
“Adam. The guy I was tellin’ you about that I work with.”
“The one in the klan?”
“He’s not. Not anymore. He loves me. And he loves Judah, too.”
“Lorda’ mercy. Well, at least this one’s got a job,” Belinda sighed. “He ain’t callin’ you ‘nigger’ is he?”
Jo laughed and laughed until she heard her mom laugh from her kneeling position in the yard. She needed some levity.
“Let’s just say… he knows what would happen if he did. And he doesn’t want it.”
“Does he even love the Lord?”
“I think so. He wants to get married,” Jo said, not even sure that the offer still stood. But she was ready to jump on it now if it did. Adam was the best she could do now. A hot, sexy, literal lumberjack who could eat men alive and charged through life like a bull. And he wanted her. Them. It looked like she might be coming out on top.
“No shit,” her mother pelted her with an unexpected expletive.
“Yeah,” Jo laughed.
“And that’s what you want?”
“I do. Yeah. I think I love him. I don’t know, I’ve only been at it a few days,” she shyly admitted. “We get along. Because we want to. He respects me. And I know he’ll be a good dad.”
“Jo, you sure you know what you doin’?”
“Not at all, mama.”
“Well, Jo, I’m not gon’ lie, it sounds scary, and I’m not long for this world. I can’t help you take care of another one. And I can’t be sittin’ here watchin’ another man dog you out.”
Okay, unusually raw and honest tidbit from mom happening, no big deal. She’s earned that, Jo thought. And it deserved equal frankness.
“I know, mama. But… it’s hard to explain, I just know that I have to do this. And you know? I think we’re gonna be alright.”
“You got peace?”
“I do.”
“Well” Belinda sighed. “It’s about time we shake down yo’ daddy for some a’ that money he got.”
Telling Chris was no picnic, but it had been easier than she expected. She didn’t know how he’d react to the news that she would be keeping the pregnancy. Had he been available to help, this conversation wouldn’t have had to exist.
“You’re kidding, right?” he scoffed, once she’d told him over the phone.
“No.”
“I see. So… what are you going to do?” he asked, his voice conveying an annoying disinterest in the answer.
“I honestly don’t know.”
“Well, I suppose I don’t have to state the obvious. You do know you’re on your own now, right?”
When was I not?
“Fine,” Jo said.
“I mean… an illegitimate kid from a single mom would already be a stretch for my colleagues.”
“I see.”
“I’ve worked really hard for it, and there’s no way on God’s green earth, that I’m going to have any further correspondence with a woman that’s chosen to have both my child and the spawn of a white supremacist neanderthal with a swastika tattoo. It’s just… not in the realm of possibility.”
His one dick is two of your dicks.
“Fine,” was what she said outloud.
“You keep saying ‘fine’ and I don’t know if you mean it or not. I honestly don’t care. Really Jo? This guy? I mean… what on earth does he have to make you this blind?”
“I know you don’t care.”
“What?”
“I said, I know you don’t care, Chris,” Jo replied. “You’ve never made anything else more abundantly clear since I’ve known you, than how little you care. About anyone.”
“Okay, Jo.”
“Just so you know, I really thought that this would be your moment to come through,” Jo confessed,“Sure, you would probably try to pull some House of Cards bullshit on me, and hold it over my head forever. Pretend to feel betrayed, pretend to care, so you could then pretend to help me out of the goodness of your heart. And bring it up to me every time you needed me to do something. Like, say, marry you and move your token, newly minted minority family with you to D.C.
“There’s a reason politicians do this shit and that’s because it works. I would’ve done anything not to have to worry about this, and I do mean anything. I was going to swallow this last little bit of pride, and then it would be over. Maybe I would’ve been so relieved, I’d agree to it all. I wouldn’t have even been able to face Adam
after it, so moving to another state would’ve been a nice way to forget. Sure, I wouldn’t have love, wouldn’t have passion, but I’d have Judah. And Judah would have his dad. And I would have my turntables,” she said in a crack, her composure starting to break down. Chris was just quiet as he listened. He always knew how to just be quiet and listen. He was going to be a political force one day.
“With one phone call, I was gonna make this all a distant memory. Because I knew who to call. If anyone knew the importance of keeping something a secret for the sake of appearances, and tossing the memory of it out like a used tampon, it was you, Chris. I would’ve bet all my money, that Chris Montgomery, would be the one swooping in to be the hero on this one. I started to think, ‘Who knows? Maybe this was the road my life was going down all along…’” Jo wiped her eyes and continued.
“But no. You were too self-centered, to even secure the thing that you said you wanted. I know you don’t love me, but I thought you at least liked me. Valued me, as the mother of your child. But no. The only person I could call, the one person who came through, was a person who hated my guts. Do you have any idea what that felt like?” Jo curtly asked.
Suddenly she heard a chuckle.
“None. Well, maybe a little.”
Jo’s head was spinning with rage. And then finally, it dawned on her.
“…Holy shit. There’s someone else now, isn’t there?”
“Jo, you’ve really lost it, you know that?”
“I just did all the dirty work for you. You don’t even have to be mean to me. Why else would you be so fucking smug right now?”
“I honestly have no idea where any of this is coming from, Jo. If I could’ve helped you, I would have, okay? Obviously, I would have. And then, you assured me that you had it handled. I trusted you to come through on this and now it’s… well, it’s shit isn’t it?”
“Adam was right, you are a cunt.”
“It’s funny, the things you remember,” he continued, as if she hadn’t spoken,“you used to give me so much shit about not liking certain bands, you know? Liking Elbow but hating Coldplay. And now you’re having a baby by a fucking nazi, it’s just… really rich,” Chris commenced laughing. Jo seethed on the inside.
“We both dodged a bullet I guess,” she said, feeling a bit dizzy as another spell of tempting rage passed through her. It was like the more angry she was, the more reasonable he became. She couldn’t win.
“Right. You’re right,” he said with a smile in his voice. “Well… good luck. I guess. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“What will you tell your parents?”
“About?”
“When they ask where Judah’s gone?”
“I don’t know, I’ll think of something. I sure as hell can’t tell them the truth.”
Jo had to get off the phone before her spirit left her body to go find him and strangle him.
“I’ll let you go, Chris. Before I say something I’ll regret.”
“Likewise. Goodbye, JoAnn.”
“Goodbye, Chris.”
* * *
A month into her new routine, she got a call from Kenny.
“Sorry Jo, but the Weiss property says you’re off the job.”
“Did they say why?”
“No, but I suspect it’s Gus’s doing.”
Jo’s heart beat faster with dread and embarrassment. The personal had finally bled into the professional.
“Stroud Builders is blackballing me?” she confirmed.
“Looks that way,” Kenny sighed. “Listen, you’re a hell of a drywaller, Jo. Take my advice and put at least a good county or two between you and them.”
“Gus is the GC now, I guess?”
“He is, God help ‘em. Charlie could do it, but he was lookin’ too forward to retiring and lettin’ Adam take over,” Kenny replied sympathetically.
“You must’ve heard what happened.”
“Yeah,” he said, as though they were talking about cancelled dinner plans.
“…All of it?”
“Pretty much. News travels fast. ‘Specially gossip.”
Jo was silent as she held the phone. She didn’t know what to say, what she could’ve been expected to say. She didn’t know if she wanted his help or advice. He’d lived in Canton his entire life. Always treated her fairly. In a weird way, she wanted his blessing. When she didn’t respond, he continued.
“Corey’s about torn to pieces over it. But he’s rootin’ for you guys. And so am I.”
Jo held the phone away from her face as she silently broke down.
“You there?” he said.
“Yeah,” she laughed off her tears.
“You don’t see lotta couples these days that seem like they could make it for the long haul. Or even seem like they want to. Adam’s turned out real good. Nobody saw that comin.’ Nobody coulda saw you comin’ either, but… I don’t know. Lord’s just funny like that, I guess. I’ve seen just about every love story turn to shit. And it always seemed like Adam had to be contrary, just to breath the air. The Lord knows what he needs.”
“Any insight on what I need?” Jo scoffed.
“I got contacts all over the southeast, just say the word.”
“Forget it, I can’t work anymore anyway,” Jo sighed. “I’m so tired now. All the time, Kenny, you just can’t imagine it. And I got Judah… no one’s seen Adam since that big ass fight at Umbridge. He lost his whole family because of me, and now… it’s just us.”
“Well, I did wonder about that,” Kenny admitted. “Does he know you took some jobs?”
“Well… I haven’t told him. We didn’t really leave things… I’m just… out of my mind, so I gotta do something.”
“You say you haven’t heard from him?” Kenny wondered.
“No. He said I could call if I needed him, but. I haven’t wanted to bother him. I know he’s gotta lot to work through. Gus lied. I lied. I know he needs to be alone. I was hoping he would be back by now.”
“Well, his property’s just up the road from mine. If he’s anywhere, he’s probably there. If I run into him, I’ll send him your way.”
Kenny must’ve ran into him that day, because that night when Jo picked up the phone, it was Adam. Her overwhelming need to hear his voice overrode her fear.
“Hello?”
“JoAnn…” Adam began sternly. As if nothing out of the ordinary had been happening.
“What?” she smiled.
“I told you to call me if you needed anything.”
“I know.”
Adam was quiet for a moment and then busted out into a wheezy chuckle of disbelief.
“You’re stubborn as all hell, woman. I tell you to call me and you call Kenny Owens instead?”
“I didn’t call him, he called me.”
“Is that why he’s cussin’ me clear up to heaven and back?”
“I don’t know why he’s doing that. I just told him no one’s heard from you and I didn’t know when you were coming back, if ever,” Jo dramatized. “And he said if he ran into you, he’d find out for me.”
“He told me you took a buncha jobs.”
“Not a ‘bunch.’ Just a little more than usual. A couple small ones.”
“He told me Uncle Charlie got you blackballed.”
“Not Uncle Charlie. It was Gus. I guess they made him GC now.”
“Stroud belongs to Uncle Charlie. No one makes a move without him. ‘Specially fuck-ups with no balls.”
“You talk to Uncle Charlie?”
“No.”
“You think he’s angry too?”
“Probably. For a different reason. I know he heard about what happened, and he knows I meant what I said about Gus. He knows we can’t work together anymore. I’ll be fine, but those two knuckleheads. If Charlie don’t give ‘em a job they’ll starve. Go find mom and O.D. with her. He’s sick too. I was supposed to take over.”
“You put him between a rock and a hard place.”
“He�
��ll get over it. Eventually. I hope.”
Jo was about to apologize but it felt so worthless. What a mess, she thought. She didn’t want to say anything that might remind him the high price he was paying. This was her fear of making waves times a thousand. The height made her dizzy. Women miscarried all the time. What if this was all for nothing?
“Tell me you’ve at least talked to Corey.”
“Let Corey talk to me if he wants. But he’s too chicken shit. Maybe one day he’ll grow up. Anyway, how are you holdin’ up?”
Jo tried and failed not to cry.
“I miss you,” she croaked.
“That baby a’ mine kickin’ you yet?”
Jo laughed through her tears.
“It’s only been a few weeks. It’s probably the size of a grape.”
“No, it’s the size of a strawberry, missy. Says so on this app I got.”
“You bought an app?”
“No. It was free,” he said. Jo smiled.
“You’re not mad at me anymore?”
“Jesus, JoAnn. Can’t a man just be frustrated?”
“He can.”
“I mean, you hit me with a lot of bombs.”
“I did,” she agreed.
“My brother is dead to me, Jojo. You don’t just… get up and walk that shit off.”
“I know. Which is why I asked if you were. Still mad.”
Adam sighed.
“So what if I still am? What do you say to that?”
“I say… that’s your right. But you should at least know that you were wrong.”
“Of course,” Adam rolled his eyes.
“About a few things.”
“And what things are those?”
“About how I feel. About you. Maybe it started out like what you said. But by the time we kissed for the first time… it wasn’t like that anymore. The weekend was real. The night at your uncle’s, all of it. That was real. For me.”
Adam was silent as she spoke.
“But you were right, it didn’t start that way. And I didn’t trust you. But not because of who you are, or were or… it’s because I don’t want what happened with Chris and me to happen to you and me.”