by Ben Miller
Ever since, Harrison had a huge fear of water. So, when Harrison’s father mentioned swimming, I think you can guess what happened. Harrison started to lose it.
‘No!’ he exclaimed, throwing his school bag on the pavement. ‘I’m not going!’
‘Harrison,’ said his father patiently, ‘you can’t keep doing this, week after week. Everyone has to learn to swim.’
‘I haven’t got my swimming kit!’ said Harrison.
‘Oh, that’s all right,’ his father said. ‘I’m sure the school will have some spare shorts.’
‘The spare shorts are too big!’ exclaimed Harrison. ‘They’ll soak up loads of water and drag me under and I’ll drown!’
‘Enough, Harrison,’ said his father in a firm voice. ‘You’re going swimming and that’s final.’
‘Euuurrgghhhhh!’ groaned Harrison. ‘It’s not fair!’ And with that, he lowered his head, furrowed his brow, narrowed his eyes and ground his teeth.
‘Uh-oh,’ said Harrison’s father. ‘Code Red Alert.’
‘DON’T SAY THAT!’ shouted Harrison. ‘I HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT!’
The crowd around them began to move back.
‘EEUUURRRGH!’ cried Harrison, kicking his legs.
‘Over to you,’ said Shelley’s grandmother to Harrison’s father, with a grin. ‘Duty calls.’
Sure enough, putt-putt-putting up the road was a very old man on a tiny electric scooter. Shelley’s grandmother inched forward onto the tarmac and planted her lollipop pole, forcing him to screech to a halt. The waiting crowd surged across the road and in through the school gates.
‘Harrison, come on, we’ll be late,’ said his father.
‘I’M NOT GOING SWIMMING!!’ roared Harrison. ‘AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!’
Forty-five minutes later, in a Deeply Upsetting Turn of Events, Harrison found himself sitting on a wooden bench in the boys’ changing room, wearing a very large pair of grey swimming trunks from the spares box.
‘Harrison, are you still in there?’ called Miss Balogun from the other side of the door. ‘I’ve forgotten my goggles, so I’m just going back to the girls’ changing room. We’ll start your lesson when I get back. Alfie Bone has joined the Big Swimmers this week, so you’re the only Beginner, which means I’ll be able to give you lots of attention!’
The only Beginner. That didn’t sound like much fun. How Harrison longed to be like the other children, laughing and splashing and jumping in the big pool! Instead, he’d be on his own with Miss Balogun in the shallow pool, sinking and spluttering and swallowing a lot of water. If only he could swallow enough to drain the entire pool! Then he wouldn’t have to swim at all.
Which was when he had an idea . . .
After tying a bow in the drawstring of his much-too-big shorts so that they didn’t fall down, Harrison opened the locker where he had hidden his black hole.
It’s definitely getting smaller, he thought to himself. There’s no way it could have fitted in there last night. Shelley’s grandmother was right, it needs feeding.
Then he remembered Miss Balogun might return at any moment, so he had to work fast.
With the black hole bobbing behind him, he swished through the footbath and into the pool area. To his left, through the glass that separated the shallow and deep pools, he saw all the other children in his class, laughing and playing in the big pool. As he watched, Hector Broom (who as usual was wearing a fancy swimming cap with a number one on it) ran to the end of a very bouncy diving board and belly-flopped into the water. Show-off, thought Harrison. He looked to his right. The shallow pool was completely empty.
Making sure the coast was clear, Harrison tiptoed towards the shallow pool, his black hole floating behind him. He walked down the steps into the water, guiding the black hole carefully. He was three steps down when he realised he was making a terrible mistake. If he was in the water when the black hole touched it, he might get dragged in too, like a spider being sucked down a plughole. Somehow, he had to find a way of getting the black hole to touch the water while he wasn’t in it.
Which was when he spotted the lifeguard hook lying by the side of the pool.
Perhaps you’ve seen these at the swimming pool? It’s basically a long pole, with a hook on the end. The idea is that if someone in the pool needs help, the lifeguard can hook them to safety, and they are especially handy if you happen to be a lifeguard who doesn’t like getting their clothes wet.
It was the work of a moment for Harrison to tie the black hole to the end of the pole, and the work of several minutes for him to lift it at its middle, balance it on his chest like a tightrope walker, shuffle to the edge of the pool and hold it out so the black hole was suspended over the water. Finally, he tipped the pole so that the hook sank beneath the surface, pulling the black hole with it.
Which is when an extraordinary thing happened. As the black hole descended, the water below it rose up like a fountain, higher and higher, as if being sucked upwards, until finally it touched the edge of the hole.
A split-second later, there was the most enormous bang, and Harrison shut his eyes as spray showered in all directions!
When he opened them again, he was completely surrounded by thick white fog.
PHEEEEEEEP! sounded a whistle.
Harrison couldn’t see a thing, but he could hear the excited chatter of children’s voices.
‘WHAT’S GOING ON?!’ he heard Miss Balogun shout. ‘Harrison? Are you in there?’
Ever so slowly, the fog began to clear. The glass wall that separated the shallow pool from the big pool was filled with children’s faces pressed against it. Behind them, Miss Balogun was standing with her mouth wide open at the scene before her.
The glass wall that separated the shallow pool from the big pool was filled with children’s faces pressed against it.
All the water had completely disappeared and, standing on the wet tiles, in the middle of an empty pool, was Harrison, making swimming movements.
‘I think I’m getting the hang of this,’ he called out in a cheerful voice.
Which was when his shorts fell down.
‘I’m really sorry, Harrison,’ said Miss Balogun, still sounding in shock. ‘But it looks like you’re going to have to miss your swimming lesson.’
‘That’s okay,’ said Harrison, trying to look sad but secretly jumping for joy.
They were back in the changing room, while all the other children carried on their lesson. Miss Balogun had called 999, but when the man on the end of the phone asked, ‘Which service?’ she found it very hard to decide. There wasn’t a fire, so she didn’t need a fire engine, and no one had committed a crime, so there was no point informing the police. She thought about calling an ambulance, but Harrison insisted he was absolutely fine. To make matters worse, when she tried to explain to the man from 999 that all the water in the shallow swimming pool had vanished into thin air, he thought she was making a prank call, and got very cross and hung up.
‘So one minute the water was there,’ Miss Balogun said to Harrison, ‘and the next, it disappeared?’
Harrison nodded.
‘I think what happened,’ said Miss Balogun, trying to make sense of it all, ‘is there must have been a leak.’
‘Yes,’ said Harrison.
‘I mean . . . water doesn’t just disappear, does it?’ said Miss Balogun.
‘No,’ said Harrison.
‘Maybe the caretaker emptied it for cleaning and didn’t tell us?’
‘Almost definitely,’ said Harrison. He felt mean for tricking his teacher, but it was either that or get into a lot of trouble and possibly get his black hole confiscated.
‘And you’re definitely okay?’ asked Miss Balogun.
‘One hundred per cent,’ Harrison replied.
‘Okay,’ said Miss Balogun, happier now that she had decided on some sort of explanation. ‘Why don’t we both get changed and have a hot chocolate while we wait for the rest of the class?’
To
Harrison’s great joy, that’s exactly what they did. And Harrison was not only allowed a hot chocolate (dairy-free, of course), but a packet of crisps as well, in his favourite flavour, salt and vinegar.
And while they waited, Miss Balogun called the council and complained about the shallow pool being emptied without any notice, which seemed to make her feel much better.
Harrison stared lovingly at his black hole. The two of them were going to have so much fun together. Now that it had drunk all that water, it was back to its normal size. Shelley’s grandmother had been right, it really did need feeding.
The first opportunity for Harrison to feed the hole again came almost immediately. Harrison (like most of you, I’m sure) was not a big fan of school food, and on the menu that lunchtime was liver and onions. Yuk! To make matters worse, that week Hector Broom was Handy Helper. Handy Helpers got to wear a crown, help Miss Balogun in the classroom and have an extra biscuit at afternoon break. They also served the food out to everyone else at lunchtime.
Hector had been Handy Helper before; in fact, he had been chosen lots and lots of times. And Hector being in charge at lunchtime meant that if there was something tasty on the menu then Harrison would get hardly any, and if there was something horrible, Hector Broom would make sure Harrison got the biggest portion in the tin.
As you might expect, when the tin arrived at the table, Hector Broom gave himself a tiny little piece of liver and gave Harrison one that was GIANT.
‘Do you want some onions?’ asked Hector.
‘No, thank you,’ said Harrison.
Of course, Hector Broom didn’t listen and dished out half a bucketful. Then he served all the other children on the table, giving them big pieces of liver too. He gave everyone a tiny spoonful of mashed potato, and himself a whole heap.
So you can imagine how surprised Hector was when, barely a minute later, Harrison pushed forward his empty plate and licked his lips.
‘Mmmm,’ Harrison said. ‘Thank you, Hector. That was absolutely delicious.’
Of course, Harrison had hidden his black hole down by his feet, and what Hector Broom didn’t see was Harrison’s uneaten lunch, slowly fading to nothing on its surface.
‘Oh, you liked it, did you?’ Hector said, with a sneer. ‘Well, there’s an extra bit of liver here. You can have that too.’
He put another HUGE piece on Harrison’s plate.
Harrison waited until Hector wasn’t looking, then dumped the liver in his black hole, and once again pushed forward his empty plate.
‘Yum!’ said Harrison. ‘Thank you, that was delicious!’
The other children at the table laughed, which made Hector Broom – who always liked to be the boss – very cross indeed.
‘I see,’ he said. ‘Then you can eat all of ours too!’
And, thinking he was being really mean, Hector Broom took his serving spoon and piled all of everyone else’s portions onto Harrison’s plate. Then he took his own tiny morsel and arranged it on top.
‘Happy eating, Liver Boy,’ said Hector Broom with a smile.
‘Oh, is that all?’ asked Harrison. ‘You haven’t got any more, have you?’
The other children laughed again, and Hector Broom got even more angry.
‘Shut up!’ he hissed at them. ‘It’s not funny!’
‘Look!’ said Harrison, pointing. ‘It’s crumble for pudding!’
While Hector was distracted, Harrison tipped his entire plate into the black hole, then pushed it forward, completely empty.
‘Finished!’ he announced. The other children started laughing and clapping.
Hector Broom narrowed his eyes.
‘Cheat!’ he growled. ‘You threw it all on the floor!’ He stormed round to where Harrison was sitting, expecting to see a pile of discarded liver. But, of course, all he saw was Harrison’s black hole.
‘Where did it go? And what’s this?’ he asked, pointing at the black hole.
‘Careful!’ said Harrison. ‘It’s my balloon. From your party. Don’t touch it!’
‘What a baby!’ cooed Hector. ‘Bringing his balloon to school!’
The other children laughed, and Harrison felt his ears go hot.
Then Hector Broom took out his elastic band and flexed it menacingly. ‘You wait,’ he said, an evil glint in his eye. ‘I’m going to get you. No one makes a fool of me.’
Sure enough, the showdown with Hector Broom happened straight after lunch. Harrison was in the middle of a game of Cops and Robbers with his friends when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Hector Broom, flanked by two bigger boys from the year above. He just had time to grab his black hole before the two boys hoisted him up by his armpits and carried him across the playground, then dumped him down behind the bike shed.
‘Think you’re clever, do you, Liver Boy?’ snarled Hector.
Behind the bike shed was Hector Broom’s favourite place to bring his victims. It was completely hidden from the teachers and so the perfect place for him to wield his elastic band. Harrison knew he had to act fast.
‘Leave me alone, Hector!’ he shouted, hoping someone might hear him and come to his rescue.
‘Ssssshhhh,’ whispered Hector Broom, and stroked Harrison’s hair, like a villain in a movie. ‘One more word and Biter –’ he pulled out his elastic band, ready to strike – ‘will have something to say about it!’
‘No one can see you here, squirt,’ said one of the bigger boys.
‘It’s very secluded,’ said the other. ‘That’s a Year Five word.’
‘It means no one can see us,’ clarified the first bigger boy, looking smug.
‘Oh, yes, they can!’ shouted Harrison, and swung his black hole at the metal wall of the bike shed.
What happened next was extraordinary.
The entire bike shed, and all the bikes in it, crumpled into nothing, shooting off into the black hole. It was like that trick magicians do, where they pull a string of hankies out of their sleeve, only in reverse. A split-second later, all that was left at the edge of the black hole was the handlebars of a bicycle, slowly fading from view.
Hector Broom and the two bigger boys couldn’t believe their eyes.
‘What’s going on?’ asked Hector.
‘My bike’s gone!’ said one of the bigger boys.
‘It’s an illusion, like on Britain’s Got Talent!’ said the other.
Over by the school, the teacher on duty, Mr Yeabsley, looked up to see what the commotion was. He scratched his head. Hadn’t there been a bike shed there a minute ago?
Now that Mr Yeabsley and the whole school yard could see him, Hector Broom didn’t dare ping Harrison with his elastic band, in case he got caught.
‘Did you say you got that at my party?’ he asked Harrison, pointing to the black hole. ‘I only got a lousy brown one and it’s already gone flat.’
Harrison nodded.
‘I’ll trade you for it,’ said Hector Broom.
‘No,’ Harrison said in the bravest voice he could manage. ‘I don’t want to trade.’ Hector had made him trade so many things he had loved – his fossils, his crystals, his Pokemon cards – but his black hole was one thing he wasn’t giving to Hector for anything.
Hector Broom glanced across at Mr Yeabsley, who was staring straight at them.
‘Fine. Then I’ll just take it. It was my birthday, I should have had the best balloon!’ said Hector, and snatched hold of the string.
‘No!’ shouted Harrison, holding on as tight as he could.
The two bigger boys looked at each other. They wanted to help Hector, but now that they didn’t have the bike shed to hide behind, they were worried about getting caught.
‘Let go!’ hissed Hector in Harrison’s ear.
‘Never!’ said Harrison, pulling with all his might. ‘It’s mine!’
‘Have it, then!’ said Hector, and let go. Harrison tumbled to the ground, still holding on tight to the string.
For a few seconds, Harrison just sat there,
panting.
‘Oi!’shouted Mr Yeabsley. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Nothing, sir!’ Hector called back, with a smile, then he held out his hand to Harrison. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said. ‘Let me help you up.’
‘Good boy, Hector!’ called Mr Yeabsley.
But of course Hector didn’t help Harrison up. Instead, as soon as the teacher wasn’t looking, he aimed ‘Biter’ at Harrison’s left earlobe.
‘Oww!’ yelped Harrison and let go of the black hole.
‘Thank you very much,’ said Hector Broom, grabbing the string and admiring his new toy. ‘How do you think it works?’ he asked the two bigger boys, stretching out a pudgy finger.
‘Don’t touch it!’ blurted Harrison. ‘It’s not really a balloon, it’s a black hole! It’ll suck you in and you’ll never be able to get out again!’
‘Forget it, Liver Boy,’ said Hector Broom, with a snarl. ‘I’m not falling for any more of your tri—’
But that was as much as he got to say, because at that very instant, Hector Broom touched the edge of the black hole and shot inside, like a boy falling head first through an open manhole. One minute he was there, the next all that could be seen was the soles of his shoes fading slowly from view.
‘Hector Broom?’ Miss Balogun called, taking the register after lunch.
No one replied.
‘Has anyone seen Hector?’ asked Miss Balogun, peering over at Hector Broom’s empty desk.
Harrison snuck a guilty glance at his black hole, floating beside him. If anything, it was now slightly larger than when Shelley had given it to him. He wondered if he should say something to Miss Balogun. But who was going to believe him if he said Hector Broom had disappeared into a black hole?
‘No?’ asked their teacher one more time. ‘Well,’ said Miss Balogun, ‘perhaps he’s gone home. I’ll check with the school secretary. In any case, someone else had better be Handy Helper. Harrison, as you had to miss out on swimming this morning, would you like to help me?’
Harrison couldn’t help but grin. He had always wanted to be Handy Helper!