by KJ Bell
I leave Wyatt’s room, closing the door behind me. Battle smiles. I glance up nervously from under my lashes and ask, “How long were you there?”
He shrugs. “Long enough to know I don’t have to worry about the dipshit stealing you back.”
Evasive as always, his answer doesn’t tell me if he heard my confession of being in love with him. If he did, he doesn’t give anything away as he hauls me into his arms and holds me until I pull away, asking him to take me home.
“Your father apologized to me,” he says, his expression tight.
“He did?”
He nods sideways with a crooked grin. “Said you reminded him judgin’ a person is wrong, and he hoped we could mend fences.”
I hear the doubt in his words. I feel it too, but it’s a start. “What did you say?” I ask, not sure I actually want to know.
“I invited him and your mother to dinner tomorrow night.” A sly grin curls his lips.
“You’re a brave man, McCoy.”
He chuckles. “I’m charmin’, too. He’ll love me after tomorrow.”
With a jab to his side, we walk to the waiting room to find Marty. She declines a ride home as Austin is coming to pick her up.
By the time dinner is over, I can tell my parents are, in fact, falling in love with Battle. My mother is smitten by his looks and gentlemanly words, but my father is charmed by the ranch, his rodeo accomplishments, and his love of whiskey.
The two of them drink on the porch, laughing like lifelong buddies. And old Roy sealed the deal. That dog hasn’t left my father’s side, and Daddy’s taking a rather keen liking to him.
My mother and I clean up from dinner. I can tell she wants to say something. She’s an old Southern woman who doesn’t like to speak out of turn, but whatever’s on her mind seeps through her expression.
“You got somethin’ you wanna say, Mama?”
She drops the dishtowel in her hand. “I’m real darn proud of you, honey,” she says, turning her head to me.
Her words fill my heart with glee. “Thank you.”
“I mean it. You’re a stronger woman than I ever was. It took courage to stand up to your daddy, and I can see how happy you are.” Her eyes well with tears as she leans against the counter.
“Oh, Mama, don’t cry.”
She waves her hand in front of her face, and breathes. “I’m so sorry, honey. I’ve been so busy tryin’ to please your father, I didn’t take the time to see Wyatt was bein’ a big fat jerk. He hurt you, and I should’ve been there for you.”
I laugh, because for my mother, 'jerk' is a seriously bad word. I’m sure it pained her to say it. Maybe she should have been there for me, but I understand she was raised to believe a woman’s place is by her husband’s side, supporting him without question. Times were different. Regardless, regret shines back at me in her eyes.
“It’s okay. I’m okay,” I reassure her.
We hug and I tell her how much I love her.
As my parents prepare to leave, our relationship appears to be salvaged. Battle and I walk them outside.
My father wraps me in his strong arms to hug me goodbye. “I love you, kiddo.”
“I love you too, Daddy.” I fight the tears, not wanting to let him go. I needed this night more than I realized.
He releases me and shakes Battle’s hand. “Mr. McCoy, thank you for havin’ us over. I’m glad we were able to talk. Be good to my little girl.”
“I will, sir.”
I hug and kiss each of my parents again before they get in their car. As I watch them drive away, I feel elated to have them in my life again. Tonight was difficult for my father. Although he’ll never admit how hard it was to accept his wrong, he took a huge step tonight. I didn’t get nearly the apology from him I received from my mother. His acknowledgement came in his efforts to know Battle as a man, rather than a whisper of hearsay.
I’m proud of him.
I turn to the man who made tonight happen. A man, who I’m falling deeply in love with. “Thank you for this.”
He smiles, slipping his arms around my waist. “Life’s too short to be apart from the ones we love.”
I squeeze him tight, knowing Evelyn’s on his mind and wanting to comfort him. Life is short, and I won’t let Battle be alone. I can’t replace his mother, but I can help him heal what will be a deep wound.
I crawl into bed next to Battle, who nuzzles his face in the crook of my neck. “Am I ever gonna convince you to sleep naked?”
“I might be convinced.” I giggle.
“Hmm, how’s that?” he asks, nibbling the skin behind my ear as he pushes my pants down.
“I think multiple orgasms would do the trick.”
He laughs as I help him remove my pants completely, as well as my top.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says before his tongue dips into my mouth and dances with mine.
Before long, he pushes inside of me, stretching me, filling me with every splendid inch of him.
“I’ll never get enough,” I cry out.
He groans his agreement as he continues pushing in and out with deliberately controlled movements. I arch my back absorbing every thrust. When he’s with me like this, it’s the one time I feel our connection is unbreakable. I know he has secrets. I know he’s been hurt, and I know he’s afraid to love me, but as my body jerks beneath him and he whispers, “That’s it baby, come for me,” I feel his love. I feel what he can’t verbalize.
“There’s nothing more beautiful than you letting go.”
Again his compliment makes me believe he feels for me what I feel for him. As he drives into me faster and with more intensity, I unravel, spiraling out of control as my climax ripples through my body. As I descend from the sky, he smiles and asks, “Again?”
I lift my hips, crying out, “Yes, again.”
And he delivers, bringing me to another orgasm before his back arches and he collapses on top of me with release. He pants wildly as I massage his shoulders.
After several minutes, he lifts his head. “I think that qualifies as enough to make you sleep naked.”
It does, and I do. That night and every night we’re together after.
My parents join us for dinner at least once a week for the next month. Battle and I even have them over to meet Evelyn, James, and Erinn. My mother was an elementary school teacher before she had children, and recognizes Erinn’s place on the Spectrum before I quietly tell her.
She would later explain to Battle about how the school district is required to provide Erinn transportation, should they choose to move her to another school. It took some doing, but Battle was able to convince Evelyn it was the best thing for Erinn.
The arrangement and the school have been a miracle. There are other girls at the school who Erinn relates to and has made friends with. During the two short weeks she’s been there, I’ve seen a huge change in her attitude and her effort in school.
Erinn’s happy.
I visit Wyatt every day he’s in the hospital. This morning, he’s finally being released. Both his legs are still in casts and he’s in a wheelchair, but he’s thrilled to get out of the hospital room.
Wyatt’s parents and I gather in the waiting room, discussing the details of Wyatt’s future medical needs with his doctor. He has months of physical therapy to look forward to and isn’t happy about depending on other people.
Battle’s incredibly understanding when I agree to help one day a week with taking Wyatt to his appointments to ease the burden on his parents. While Wyatt’s father embraces my offer, his mother won’t even look at me. Seeing her once a week will be uncomfortable, but I ignore my feelings for Wyatt’s sake.
Battle holds my hand on the drive back to his house, brushing my knuckles with his thumb. While he may not admit to it, him being here today, his knowing how much I need to be there for Wyatt are signs of a man in love.
When doubt about my future with Battle threatens to rain on my happiness, I think of these moments. He
hasn’t said the words “I love you”, and I haven’t asked. We’ve been together so long now, I have to believe he’s as invested as I am. The expression shown in how he treats me, and in my heart, are where it counts, I know he loves me. I don’t need to hear the words. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
As I say goodbye to Battle and leave for work, I tell myself that I have enough for now.
I’m with a client when I receive a frantic call from Battle. His mother collapsed and was admitted to the hospital. He needs me to pick up Erinn from school. My boss covers the meeting for me, and I leave the office beside myself with worry.
The last month I’ve been so engrossed with helping Wyatt, I haven’t spent a lot of time with Evelyn. The few times I have were difficult as she’s been weak and mostly confined to her bed. Today could be a day that changes our lives and my relationship with Battle forever. I have to believe there’s still a chance for her to beat this cancer. Not believing is giving up, and I’m not prepared to do that. Battle and Erinn need me to be the strong one.
Erinn greets me with a sad smile. She sits in the car and remains quiet, until I pass the turn for Battle’s house.
Regardless of how many times I insist that we have to go to the hospital, she shouts I’m going the wrong way. My emotions are all over the place—terrified that this may be the last day we have with Evelyn, and I finally snap, yelling at her to be quiet and that I’ve had enough. She silences momentarily, but then I hear her cry, which makes me cry. I feel horrible, but I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry, which she doesn’t respond to.
She flat out refuses to get out of the car when I park at the hospital. I open her door and stand next to the passenger seat, waiting. My patience is nonexistent and I want to scream. I stay calm and say, “Erinn, please get out of the car and come inside.”
“No,” she shouts, her arms hugging her body.
I’m reaching a point where I want to rip her from the car and drag her inside, when it hits me. Erinn has an unusual sense. She knew Katie was pregnant, and Evelyn had shared with me she knew the cancer was back because Erinn told her. She didn’t have any symptoms, but had made the doctor’s appointment anyway. Sure enough, Erinn had been right. I wouldn’t go as far as to say she’s psychic, but her senses are clearly much stronger than most people.
Erinn isn’t resisting me. She denying what she thinks is happening to her mother. I’m not prepared to combat her intuition, because I’m terribly afraid she might be right.
“Erinn, honey, please come inside.”
“No. Mom’s gonna die today,” she says the words with bone-chilling disconnect. “I’m not goin’ inside.”
I know Erinn feels emotions, but her brained tuned real life out the moment I picked her up as a means of protection. Empathy is on hold. I have no idea how to handle this situation. I’m ready to sit in the middle of the hospital parking lot and give up.
“Do you need some help?”
I recognize James’s voice and turn around. “Yes. I don’t how, but she knows somethins’ wrong with Evelyn. She’s tuned out completely.”
“How ‘bout we trade places then?” he suggests, through a concerned laugh. “I’m not havin’ any luck gettin’ through to Battle, either.”
I smile, and thank him as my heart grows heavy with concern. I’ve dreaded this day for as long as I’ve been with Battle. I pray to God, for purely selfish reasons, to please not take Evelyn today. I don’t want to lose her. I fear when she goes, so will Battle. He and Erinn need more time. I need more time.
The hospital reeks of antiseptic as I roam the halls. White coated employees enter and exit a door marked restricted access. At their feet, slumped against the wall, I find a defeated Battle. His eyes coated with tears meet mine. “She’s gonna die.”
“Don’t you say that!” Pain shoots through my knees when I fall to the floor in front of him. I point at the door. “Miracles happen every day behind that door.”
“Not today they don’t.”
I’m not as ready to accept such a horrific and unwelcomed outcome. Not today. “We don’t know anything yet.”
“I know I haven’t done enough to convince the doctors to try harder, and now it’s too late.”
“I will not let you take the blame for somethin’ as fucked up as cancer. Regardless of what happens, your mother needs you to be strong. Erinn and I need you to be strong, and whether you like it or not, you need you to be strong.”
“Why are you here?” he asks, with the same cold distance I felt from Erinn moments ago.
“I’m here for you, and for your family. I care about you.” He turns his head, refusing to look at me. “I know you’re upset, and if you want me to go, I will.”
His head twists back to me, his eyes as cold as ice. “I want you to go.”
“No you don’t.” I ease up to my feet, using the wall for support. “You want to push me away so you don’t have to feel. You want to hurt me, but I’m not giving up on you. Not right now.”
He stands up and leans with his back against the wall. I stare right though him, willing him to look at me. He won’t. “I took what I wanted from you, like I said I would. We fucked. We had a great time screwin’, but I’m over it. Leave. Go back to Wyatt. Find a guy that believes in love and fairytales, because it ain’t me, sweetheart.”
I’m too angry to cry as he shreds my heart into irreparable little pieces. “You don’t mean that.”
“Oh, yes I do. Don’t act so shocked. I was honest with. I told you who I was.”
“No, you told me you wanted to fuck. You didn’t say you were completely heartless.”
“Well, now you know. So leave!”
I shake my head frantically and lift up on my tiptoes to look him in the eye. “You tell me you don’t love me, and I’m gone.”
He laughs from deep in his chest, but maintains my gaze, his dormant, and void of its usual vibrant intensity. “I don’t love you.”
Four little words packed with tremendous pain. Four little words he said far too easily. Four little words that finally sink in, causing me to burn with hatred for him. I swallow a sob and say, “I finally discovered your flaw, McCoy. You’re a fuckin’ coward. You love me. You’re just too damn scared to admit it. You think you’re strong enough to go through this alone, but you’re not. So, push me away, keep punishin’ yourself, but when you finally realize how much you need me, I might not be here.”
I turn and run until I’m out of the hospital, but I halt halfway to my car. He may not want me here, but I’m not leaving without saying goodbye to Evelyn.
Her frail hand reaches for me. I suck in a ragged breath as I take her hand and try to hold back tears. They’re stronger than my will and fall effortlessly from my eyes.
“Promise me you won’t give up on him?” she says, tears spilling from her eyes.
“I promise.”
She closes her eyes, her lips still smiling. I hold her hand for several minutes, before I quietly tell her goodbye, and how much I’ll miss her. I whisper how I’ll take care of Battle and Erinn for her, and I thank her for being in my life.
I exit the hospital full of rage. Angry with God, with cancer, with the doctors who can do nothing to save Evelyn—but mostly consumed with how much Battle’s words hurt. I know he loves me. Pushing me away soothes his ever present need to punish himself for things he has no control over, but none the less feels responsible for. His hurtful words play over and over in my mind, but it’s the hate I saw in his eyes that truly cripples me. His anger has imprisoned his heart, and made him believe he doesn’t love me.
I spot his Harley, parked near the front of the lot. My emotions can’t be suppressed as I approach the bike.
Anger and hate, sadness and despair, hopelessness and regret—a tornado of emotions that have my head spinning as I kick his bike over. While it crashing to the ground isn’t an enormous production of flying parts and fire, the satisfaction of it lying on its side with a cracked wi
ndshield is immensely satisfying.
When I reach my car, part of me wants to go back inside and demand Battle quit acting like a heartless asshole. I want to be there for him, but the other part of me is too hurt, too angry, and certain I should have never taken a risk on Battle McCoy.
The promise I made to his mother taunts me. How am I going to keep it when he’s going to do everything he can to keep me away?
I text Marty before I leave the parking lot that I need a friend. She text back that she’ll be over in twenty-minutes. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.
Marty turns up at my house a few minutes after I get home. She allows me to cry on her shoulder, literally. I drenched her blouse with tears and snot. I fall asleep and awake when her phone rings. She nods and then looks at me with concern. I don’t have to hear her say it, and I tell her not to as she ends the phone call.
Evelyn is gone.
I hug my friend as more tears fall.
“I’m so sorry, Faye. I know how close you were to her.”
I wail, crying out silently about hating cancer and life being unfair. I had grown close to Evelyn, especially when I was hardly speaking to my parents. I miss her terribly already.
I miss him terribly, too.
He’s gone.
And I’m afraid I’ll never get him back.
I haven’t spoken to Battle in four days, and now I stand across a casket from him in the pouring rain under a shroud of umbrellas as though we’re strangers. Many of Evelyn’s friends speak fondly of her, but the words from Gerald McCoy surprise me, bringing me to tears. He speaks of the love he should have never let go of, and a regret he’ll always carry.
While Mr. McCoy talks, Battle keeps his jaw set. He never once looks at his father. When Mr. McCoy makes an effort to console his son, Battle steps back and says something I don’t hear, but his father walks away.
I want desperately to go to Battle, comfort him, beg him to let me in, but the look he gives me as I approach him stops me in my tracks. He doesn’t want me. I have no clue how to keep my promise to Evelyn.