by Merv Lambert
Robin Hood leapt to his feet, bowed and began. “Good folk, nay friends, I am honoured to be here with my companions at the wedding of our good friends the Lady Olivia and the man I call Big Colin. Both of them are new and old friends. It’s as if I have known them for hundreds of years.” Again chuckles broke out all around. “Now come, Sir Jez.” At this point he took Mr. Jellysox by the arm and raised him to his feet again. “As best men jointly we propose the toasts to the bride and groom and then to the bridesmaids.”
Immediately the guests stood. Glasses were raised and the sincere words spoken. “To the bride and groom. To the bridesmaids”, and the best pink champagne slipped down throats. Olivia had secretly hidden a glass under the table for M. He was not slow in finding it.
On behalf of his wife and himself Colin gave a very short speech thanking everyone, especially Auntie Flo, Billy and Jilly, who had all worked especially hard for them. He asked the three musketeers to step forward. They presented Auntie Flo with an enormous arrangement of flowers and a beautiful gold watch to Jilly and a sports watch to Billy. Finally Colin said, “Enjoy the party. You can stay here or make your way to the hotel ballroom, where three different bands will be playing music to suit different tastes and ages.”
Soon all the outlaws and most of the other guests in their fancy dress costumes were in the ballroom and already a number of them were dancing to the rather loud output of a local pop band.
“Look,” said Olivia, “Abigail is enjoying herself.” Colin looked and saw that Mrs. Biggle in her squaw’s costume was bobbing up and down rhythmically next to Little John, presumably teaching him some moves.
“Well,” said Colin, “I always thought she liked larger men, as she is taller than most of us.”
“Come on,” laughed Olivia. “We must circulate among our guests.”
“Hi, Billy,” said Colin. “Are you enjoying yourself?”
“You bet,” replied his cousin. “The outlaws just love potatoes, especially Abbot Abbott and Friar Tuck. They can’t get enough chips.”
“And we like your cold beer,” boomed the abbot, who was sitting nearby with Friar Tuck. Both monks were holding pint mugs.
“Thish black Irish one is exshellently good,” added Friar Tuck, holding his glass up to the light.
Olivia and Colin had nearly made their way all round the ballroom, chatting to their guests, when suddenly a woman screamed. She screamed again. It was Mrs. Biggle. She ran into the room and stopped, for she realised that everyone was staring at her.
“Oh, oh!” she gasped. “I’ve just seen the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer robbing the hotel!”
“Don’t they rob everyone?” laughed her husband. “Come on, Abigail. You’ve had a few gins too many. You’ve been seeing things again!”
“Yes, and there was a large penguin with them telling them what to do!”
“What? Where?” asked Olivia.
“I was just coming back from the toilets, when I saw them. They were in the manager’s office and the penguin was pointing a gun at him.”
Suddenly the bookmark throbbed in Colin’s top pocket and he knew that what Mrs. Biggle was saying was true.
Grabbing Robin Hood by the arm, he shouted, “Come on! We must stop them!”
The two of them ran to the reception area closely followed by Olivia and their guests. M was ahead of all of them. Mrs. Biggle was partly right – right about the robbery, but wrong about who was committing it. Nearly everyone saw what they thought happened next. Three men, one the leader, looking ridiculous in a large penguin outfit but with his long legs in motor-cycle leggings sticking out of two holes in the bottom of it, and two others also carrying open hold-alls carelessly stuffed full of banknotes, were heading for the revolving door at the front entrance. M quickly stuck out his foot and trapped the one wearing a mask with the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s face on it. Immediately Abbot Abbott sat on him with a triumphant yell. The false Chancellor of the Exchequer was certainly not going to be standing up again very soon. Just as the robber wearing the Prime Minister’s face-mask reached the revolving-door, M stretched out his neck and flipped it hard with his beak, so that the man was struck by the door, as it whizzed round extra fast. He fell to the floor only to find that he was pinned down under the great weight of Friar Tuck, who had launched himself nimbly through the air and landed on him with a crash. The two monks, sitting on their captives, exchanged high fives.
“Yo, Tucky!” cried Abbot Abbott.
“Yo, Bot-Bot!” replied Friar Tuck. Already Billy’s influence on them could be seen.
Only Auntie Flo, Billy, Jilly, Colin and Olivia had seen M in action – oh, and Sammy too. He barked his approval.
Then Colin’s Uncle Olly with his round, jolly face, round glasses and short, curly brown beard stepped forward. “I think the other one’s wearing my penguin costume,” he said. “I took it off in the cloakroom. It was a bit hot and uncomfortable inside it and awkward for eating and drinking.”
“They obviously thought they would blend in with our wedding guests and not be noticed,” said Colin.
Suddenly a motor-bike roared outside. The penguin was escaping.
“There he is!” Olivia pointed at the figure of the robber receding on a motor-bike.
The bookmark sparked in Colin’s pocket, but it was telling him that this time he must let someone else take over. Indeed he was wearing his best suit. Turning to Robin Hood, he held out the bookmark to him. “Here. Take this, Robin,” he said. “You will know exactly what to do.”
Robin did not hesitate. He rushed outside, followed by the others. They all saw him leap onto one of the two other motor-bikes left by the robbers, start it, and take off across the park in pursuit of a giant six-foot plus penguin, which also happened to be riding a motor-bike. Only M’s friends saw that the emu was streaking across the turf of the park. They saw him overtake the penguin, then pause by a small tree. As the biker-penguin reached it, M twitched back a slim branch and let go of it so that it smashed into the penguin’s chest. For the first time everyone saw a penguin fly. It flew off the machine to land on its face in a small stream. The motor-bike fell into the water and lay there with the engine still running. The very bedraggled penguin was just crawling onto the bank as Robin arrived on his motor-bike, heaved him onto the handle-bars with his head dangling only inches from the ground and then, gripping him firmly with his left hand, and using his right to steer the machine, roared back across the grass to the hotel entrance. He was grinning delightedly.
“Shall we hand this bird to the Sheriff?” he joked.
“Yea, verily, sirrah,” laughed Colin, clapping his friend on the shoulder, “but we call him the Chief of Police or the Chief Constable. In fact the Sheriff’s men have just arrived. Look. They’re taking the Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and their penguin away now.”
As Robin handed the bookmark back to Colin, it glowed briefly in his hand.
Marion smiled at Robin. “Thou hast a merry, mischievous face,” she said. “Thou hast methinks done well.” She did not notice M bowing to her, as if to say, “I did it for you, my lady.”
“I say. I say, “interrupted a voice behind them. They turned to find Mr. Jellysox standing there with Mr. Burton, Billy’s dad. “Joe and I captured all that on our camcorders.”
“Yeah,” enthused Mr. B. “It’ll look good on the wedding DVD!”
Everyone was now in very high spirits. Mrs. Biggle was still dancing with Little John, whilst Alan a Dale was singing at the microphone and Mr. Biggle was asking some of the outlaws the best way of making a good longbow.
At long last the party drifted to a close, and when all the other guests had said their goodbyes and departed well after midnight, Auntie Flo gathered all the outlaws together once more.
“Thank you for coming,” she said. “You have been absolutely marv
ellous.”
“And our thanks to you,” said Robin. His companions murmured in agreement. He would have said more, but Auntie Flo held up her hand to stop him.
She said firmly, “Now it is time for you to return home. Olivia and I, and Colin of course, want you all to have a souvenir, something to keep to remind you of your visit to our time. We have put a lot of thought into this. Unfortunately we can’t give you anything electrical. Those things would not work in your time, and nor can you take back anything like a tap or even a toilet, as they rely on a plumbing system. For some reason Mrs. Biggle has donated an extra gift, a space-hopper for Little John. No, I don’t know why, but have fun with it in the Greenwood. We hope you like what we have chosen for you. Once again thank you and goodbye. No doubt, knowing Colin, we shall perhaps meet again.”
Accordingly a little while later, just as they had the previous day, they all joined hands in a circle. The bookmark throbbed as Colin found the right page in his special book and quietly murmured, “Let’s go.”
As Colin transported them back to Sherwood in their own time, Abbot Abbott was embracing a very large bottle of malt whisky, Friar Tuck an equally large bottle of brandy, Alan a Dale a guitar, Robin Hood and Little John each had a brand new cricket bat, and Marion was clutching a brightly coloured folding umbrella. In addition Robin and Little John had each got a huge bag strapped to their backs. The contents were for just one person, for Olivia had insisted on supplying Marion with a vast supply of perfumes, soaps and handcreams.
When eventually Colin arrived back in his own house, shortly afterwards it seemed, Olivia and Sammy were waiting. He hugged them both and grinned.
“Guess what?” he said. “Marion and Robin have invited us to their wedding in the year 1210!”
But that’s another story.
[1] Capisce? – pronounced ‘kapeesh’? = Understand?
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