ALSO BY
AUDREY SCHULMAN
Three Weeks in December
Swimming with Jonah
A House Named Brazil
The Cage
Europa Editions
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New York NY 10001
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously.
Copyright © Audrey Schulman, 2018
First publication 2018 by Europa Editions
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
Cover Art by Emanuele Ragnisco
www.mekkanografici.com
Cover photo © Carlush/Shutterstock
ISBN 9781787700024
Audrey Schulman
THEORY
OF BASTARDS
THEORY
OF BASTARDS
But sometimes a tool may have other uses that you don’t know. Sometimes in doing what you intend, you also do what the knife intends,
without knowing.
—PHILIP PULLMAN
Most of the experiments in this novel are based on actual experiments performed by real researchers. Information about them is provided in the Appendix.
The characters, however, bear no resemblance to any real researchers. They are utterly created by my imagination.
DAY 1
One
When Frankie’s vehicle pulled in, she saw a whole group of them waiting for her, exactly what she hated. Dressed up, milling about, eager supplicants. Ten or eleven researchers in all, probably every Ph.D. at the Foundation.
When the door slid open and she stepped out, they blinked. A few glanced back inside the vehicle to search for another passenger, before returning to her. She didn’t look much like her press photos these days.
Dr. Bellows—the executive director—was more prepared. Perhaps he had heard rumors or maybe her request for a wheelchair had been enough. He stepped forward to clasp her hands, saying how delighted, how truly honored he was to have her here. He’d read all her papers. The chair was pushed forward and Frankie sank into it. The group of them made lots of noise, talking all around her, each adding their tidbit of information: the Foundation’s illustrious history, the past researchers, the freedom and facilities she would have. Frankie barely had to say a word.
They wheeled her along, into a courtyard with a large catered meal. A woman stepped in front for a moment, framing the shot with her fingers, ready to take a photo, calling out, Smile.
Jesus, Frankie said and held her hand in the way, Just take me to the animals. Let me see them. I haven’t agreed to this job yet.
The silence awkward. The apologies profuse. They moved her toward the exhibits. The crowds of tourists—pushing strollers and eating popcorn—parted like water in front of them. The exhibits were connected by a wandering path through landscaped gardens. They passed the gorilla and chimp enclosures. She did not even glance at them. The orangutans watched the parade go by, their jowly faces swiveling like radar dishes.
This level of attention being paid to her was relatively new. She’d heard afterward that the MacArthur committee was made up of very smart but busy experts. When asked to come up with names, they were likely to scan headlines, to Quark some searches. The press about her last study had hit during the spring, probably when they were making nominations. Up until then, she’d mostly been underfunded and ignored; she wanted very much to return to that. The desire wasn’t out of kindness—a wish to make others comfortable. No, 33 years old and fresh from this last surgery, she had no use for other people’s jealousy.
The doctors had been so careful in what they said, trying to be exact—85% chance of recovery, not from her disease, just the symptoms. Still she was so hungry for this opportunity. Waiting to see if the symptoms would return, there was the high-pitched hum of disbelief in her ears, like an extraterrestrial who’d finally cracked the door open, about to take that terrifying first breath. The medicine she craved was distraction.
They arrived at the bonobo enclosure, the area blocked off from the tourists. Today these animals were for her appreciation alone. Inside the plexiglass walls was a hill with a climbing structure on it and a small pond at the base of it, a few milk crates scattered about. Realizing something was up, the 14 bonobos were clustered near the glass, watching the path for whatever change was about to arrive, the crowd of them reminiscent of the researchers waiting for Frankie’s car.
In appearance, they looked like the chimps she’d passed, only the bonobos were a touch skinnier and less muscled. Their fur softer. Their lips red. Their eyes thoughtful.
Think of a video montage where a human turns into a wild beast—hair sprouting, brow slanting, jaw jutting. If the chimp is the final image, the bonobo is a second earlier.
In front stood one bonobo. Her stance was not a chimp’s: bandy-legged as a cowboy with the barrel-shaped chest heaved up, her torso ready at any moment to fall back onto all fours. No, she stood as a human does, comfortably upright, legs straight, her face turned to the researchers as though they’d just called her name.
And, unlike the rest of the bonobos, her body was balding and her head utterly hairless. Perhaps an autoimmune disease or the effect of aging. What little hair remained on her body was no longer thick enough to be called fur, closer perhaps to the sparseness of chest hair. She stood there, wiry and short, her skin the grey of putty, a naked Gandhi with jug ears, staring into Frankie’s eyes.
Actually all of the bonobos were looking at Frankie. Staring not at the whole group of researchers, but at Frankie, her face. As though they’d followed the coverage in the Wall St. Journal and New York Times—the upswing in genetic testing, the outings of public figures and past presidents—and were surprised to spot her here.
It took Frankie a moment to realize the animals must know all the researchers who worked here. She was the only stranger. Studies had shown even a sheep could recognize up to 50 faces.
Dr. Bellows began to speak, his voice awkward, The particular . . . umm . . . behavior you’d be researching, the behavior that bonobos are famous for, happens primarily before mealtimes.
As though making excuses for them he continued, The behavior is used to ease tensions, to calm down any conflict over the food. Would you like me to . . .
Feed ’em, she said.
Bellows nodded and a researcher obediently jogged off around the corner of the building.
Frankie waited. The animals continued to study her, in their half circle, positioned as though she was about to lecture them or they about to interrogate her.
She gestured with her chin at the bald bonobo’s confident stance. She asked, Alpha female?
Yes, said Bellows, She runs the show. That’s Mama.
Mama? Frankie asked, the rising lilt of her question making her sound like a needy child.
Mama, answered Bellows, letting the word fall heavy like the name of a mafia don.
From the silence around them, she guessed most of the researchers worked with other apes here at the Foundation and felt uncomfortable with what was about to happen.
She pointed her chin at the kiosk next to Bellows. It displayed a large photo of a bonobo waving hi. There was a panel with many buttons on it. She asked, What’s that?
He said, Ahh, some of the bonobos were raised with sign language. This is a way to communicate with them.
Really? asked Frankie.
Seated, she couldn’t see which two buttons he pressed but the avatar of a female bonobo appeared on
the plexiglass between the humans and the bonobos—off to the side and a few feet up so she didn’t block the exhibit. Her hands gestured in sign language as she spoke the words, saying, Human. Hello.
Her voice was loud, the condescending cheer of a kindergarten teacher.
The bonobos didn’t glance at the avatar. Instead their dark eyes turned to Bellows.
Then behind them, a door opened up on the balcony, inside the enclosure, and a staff-person in coveralls stepped out, lugging two buckets of food.
The bonobos turned, mouths gaping at their unscheduled luck.
The males rose to their feet, legs apart to show off their abrupt erections, pencil-thin but impressive. The moment following was when Frankie watched with the greatest attention. Just as she’d been told, all the animals reached for each other, for whoever was closest. Not one of them stepped around another to get to a preferred partner.
Frankie’s eyes watered with gratitude. She blinked a few times, keeping her face turned toward the animals, hoping no one could see. Here was the distraction she needed, a worthwhile puzzle to dig into.
Meanwhile the rest happened, the part that the media was fascinated with: the wide variety of acts and positions, homosexual and hetero, the twosomes, the threesomes, the sheer creativity, oral sex, a hand job and what primatologists called penis-fencing. An imaginative juvenile began to hump the leg of an otherwise-occupied adult.
Dwarf hairy humans engaged in an orgy.
A researcher giggled nervously. Bellows’s head swiveled and the giggle stopped.
Within seconds, the first bonobo began to climax.
Ah, the female huffed loudly, Ahuh huh huh.
Damn, whispered a woman under her breath, somewhere behind Frankie, impressed either with the speed with which the bonobo had reached this point or its obvious intensity.
Then the rest of the females began to call, Ahh huh huh, their mouths open.
The males’ orgasms were less noisy and sounded a trifle disappointed in comparison.
The action stopped. They lay there, post orgasm, arms wrapped tenderly around each other. After a long quiet moment, one of them remembered the food and stood up. The rest followed, holding their hands out palms up, like beggars.
On the balcony, the staff-person was waiting. She picked fruit out of the buckets and began to lob pieces down to them.
Well, said Bellows, trying to recover his toothy smile.
For the first time since seeing the bonobos, Frankie turned to the humans. She said, Let me confirm some facts. They do this before every meal.
Yes, said Bellows.
Just that way? Copulating with whomever is closest?
Yes.
Then so far as any of you know, said Frankie raising her voice slightly to make sure they could all hear, It’s just as likely that an ovulating female will end up mating with the least healthy male as the most healthy one? She is just as likely to mate with the weakest and dumbest as the strongest and smartest?
Yes, responded the group.
Alrighty, said Frankie. I officially accept the research position here. I have three conditions.
One, she said, I want an apartment on the Foundation grounds, with its own kitchen.
Two, she said, You can write as many grants as you want using my name and resume and I hope lots of funding comes from those grants, but understand my reason for being here is to do research. I will not be trotted out to wine and dine any potential funders. I will not be bothered or contacted unnecessarily. If I am, I will leave.
Three, she added, I require the help of one researcher, part time. Someone to answer questions about the bonobos and assist me as needed.
Of course, of course, said Bellows, May I recommend . . . He started to gesture toward a tall bearded man. Frankie recognized him from several of the Foundation brochures and conference pamphlets. The man had been eyeing her since she arrived—possessive and hungry—like a dog watching a biscuit.
No, Frankie said and pointed instead to the only person she could see who wasn’t directly facing her—some guy who had hung back the whole time, looking like he wanted to be someplace else, probably doing his work. Pretty much the way she felt.
Him, she said.
DAY 2
Two
At 8 the next morning, the researcher she’d selected met her in the parking lot in front of the bonobo research building.
The way she looked today, she could star as the villain in a sci-fi movie: wheelchair, stretchy clothing and cavernous stare.
He, on the other hand, could play one of the Secret Servicemen standing in the background of any movie with the President. Buzzcut, white teeth and a rangy ease that said he could lope without effort for days.
Unlike most people, no Bindi glittered on his forehead, displaying its corporate logo. Instead he wore just an old Wrist-able. She hadn’t realized they still made them, the device as bulky as a watch. She wondered if his salary was that low.
He stepped forward to shake her hand, his smile wide, his hand warm.
Probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer, she thought.
David Stotts, he said. It’s an honor to meet you, ma’am.
I don’t like praise, she said. Don’t give me any.
He paused, considering her words, and nodded. He said, Sorry about that.
From the way he said this, she wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for his words or just sad she couldn’t appreciate praise.
She continued, Here’s how your work with me is going to go. You’ll assist me a little each day. Help me get around. Teach me about the bonobos. It won’t take much of your day and the amount will decrease gradually. You’ll still be able to do your own research. I will not waste your time.
At the moment in her bag was a jar of mayonnaise. Her meals the last few days consisted of a heaping spoonful of it. For a decade she had not been allowed this condiment—all the eggs and that oil. It was the richest joy in the mouth, the thrill of the forbidden. She licked it like ice cream, the mathematical accumulation of calories, no need to even chew.
Years ago she’d started dressing for herself, no one else. Currently she wore the sort of primary-colored smock and sparkly tights that suggested a child under five. Her favorites were clothes with embroidered animals on the breast and along the hem. It was her habit when concentrating to run her fingers over the grinning animals, feeling the smooth threads.
He wore a crisp button-down shirt and chinos—a uniform of anonymity.
His eyes lingered on a bright yellow chicken on her left breast. The Foundation had spent the last two months wooing her, trying to persuade her to do research here. Actual paper brochures FedExed daily, links to pertinent research papers and videos. Bellows left personal pleas on her Sim-mail. They’d never received a word back until two days ago when she’d Quarked to say she would arrive the next morning, no more notice than that.
The chicken had its beak open, its little sound bubble said Cheep.
Ma’am, he said, You clearly like to get to the point. Dr. Bellows asked me to say I might not be the best person for this job. I have only been working with the bonobos for six months and they are not what my degree is in.
His voice wasn’t purposeful and clipped like hers—a New Yorker cutting through traffic. The rhythm of his words ambled along instead—a rural Missouri road, no car in sight.
Don’t care, she said. If I require information you don’t know, you’ll learn it.
No reaction visible on his face. Again he nodded.
Good, she thought. He won’t be a problem.
She said, Bring me to the bonobos. Do the research you normally do. I’ll watch and occasionally ask questions.
Yes, ma’am. He stepped forward to push her wheelchair.
Army? she asked.
Ma’am?
You keep calling
me ma’am. Were you in the Army or is this some sort of regional verbal tic?
The Reserves, he said. That’s how I paid for school. I served in Syria.
You served remotely?
No, I actually went there.
How many years?
Four. Called up twice.
She said, Hopefully working with me will be easier.
She meant this as a small joke. He made no comment.
He wheeled her into the research building attached to the bonobo enclosure. Inside, it looked like any office hallway, white walls and gray carpet, offices on either side. Thirty feet down the hall was a second door with locks on it. A bright sign declaring, No Admittance to Unauthorized Personnel.
Entering this hallway, she gestured for him to halt and she got up out of the wheelchair.
He was getting used to the rhythm of their interaction, his pause a bit shorter, Ma’am?
She said, I have to walk a little further each day. The wheelchair is just for a few days.
He looked at her and then down the hallway. His unstated question clear.
If I need to, I’ll sit down, she said. She inhaled through her nose and began to shuffle forward.
He walked alongside her, ready to catch her if necessary. He reduced his speed once to try to match her pace and then reduced it further. With that lanky body, he must engage in some marathon sport: running, biking, swimming. It took concentration for him to move this slowly, like watching a racehorse being walked to the gate. He looked down at his feet, might have been counting between each step.
Since the award, colleagues treated her differently. Some avoided her as much as possible and when they couldn’t, they seemed on edge, as though she’d just insulted them or questioned their credentials. Others focused on her, like she’d said something profound even when she hadn’t spoken. For this, her medical sabbatical, she’d been imagining Nepal or better yet Fiji. Some place far from everyone she knew, where she could retreat into insignificance, concentrate on work. There were, however, so many travel advisories, and they changed quickly. A few days ago, she’d decided Missouri was good enough. Compared to New York City, it was a foreign country: Republican, rural, creationist, poor.
Theory of Bastards Page 1