Besides, it had been almost three weeks since he'd seen Ellie and the kids. Soon it would be a month. They probably didn't even remember him. He didn't need to be staring off into space thinking about them.
There was a knock on his door and it opened partway. Jodi had a strange expression on her face.
"What's up?" Rance asked.
"There's someone here to see you."
He frowned. "I don't have any appointments this afternoon."
"No. He … doesn't have an appointment."
"Who is it? What does he want?"
"He didn't say what he wants," Jodi answered. "But he says he is your son."
He should have been home hours ago.
One hour ago, Ellie's rational mind corrected her. It wasn't that late. Only just six. Josh had ridden off on Spirit to check on the cattle above the ridge shortly after breakfast this morning. He'd taken a lunch, but Ellie had vetoed him camping out up there and coming home tomorrow.
"I'd worry," she told him. "I want you back tonight."
"But, Mom, it's a long ways."
"You can do it," she'd insisted. "If you leave now, you can be back by five."
"Well, don't worry if I'm not," he'd said. "It all depends on what I find, you know."
It was exactly the sort of thing Spike would have said. And it was a perfectly sensible thing to say—if you were thirty, not ten.
But Josh was ten—a child, for all that he refused to act like one—and she wanted him home!
"I shouldn't have let him go," she said to Sandra as she paced the kitchen. "We should have waited until Wattie could do it. Or I should have gone with him."
Sandra listened to her mutterings and didn't argue. Her mother-in-law understood her worrying. "He told you not to worry, Ellie. He's probably just late because there was a lot to do."
"Probably. I wish Rance was here." The words came out unbidden, almost as if they had escaped from her, as if they had a mind of their own. I wish Rance was here. She hadn't said his name in days. A week. She'd made herself think about something else—talk about something else—and yet the second she let her guard down, there he was. Again.
She stopped and stared out the window, as if she could conjure Josh up if she just stared long enough in the direction from which she expected him to come. Then Sandra's work-roughened hand covered Ellie's own. "It stays light late at this time of year. He's a boy. He's probably lost track of time."
But since Spike had died, Ellie had made sure her children knew not to lose track of time. Wondering what had become of them, worrying that they were hurt or lost or … worse was something she couldn't tolerate.
"I should have got a cell phone," Ellie fretted. She began pacing again.
"He'll come," Sandra said. "Come on. The others are starving. We've got to feed them dinner."
They all ate dinner. Or rather Sandra, Caleb, Daniel and Carrie ate dinner. Ellie kept jumping up every time she heard a sound.
"Oh, there he is!" She must have said it ten times, leaping up each time to ran to the door and look, only to come back more worried than ever when it always turned out she was wrong.
"I'll go look for him," Daniel offered.
"We both can," Caleb said.
Ellie shook her head. "No. No, that's all right. I'm sure … I'm sure he's fine."
But when six became seven and seven became eight, she wasn't sure at all. "You don't suppose he's just staying up there, anyway, do you?" she asked Sandra. She could almost make herself angry, thinking about it. Anger was better than being worried sick.
She fed the horses, folded the laundry, paced the house and then the yard. Sandra was doing the dishes. Ellie picked up a towel and began to dry.
She wouldn't have thought Josh would do something like that—deliberately defy her order to come home. But Josh had not been himself for quite some time.
At first she'd put it down to Rance having been here. She'd recognized early on that Josh had seen him as a threat to Spike's memory. Then, when he'd learned he was Rance's son, he'd been even harder to deal with. All the efforts Rance had made had gone to naught. Josh had been determined to fight him.
So, Ellie had thought, he would be happy again when Rance was gone.
But Rance had been gone almost three weeks now—and while Josh had been different since Rance's departure—the change had not gone the way she'd expected. He wasn't more cheerful. He was simply more determined. He threw himself into the ranch work. As if he could do it all himself. As if he was already the rancher they all knew he would be someday.
And he didn't talk—not about Rance, not about the ranch—not even about Spike. He was driven. Determined. And so far from the child she'd known for ten years that Ellie had to admit she really didn't know what to expect from him anymore.
So maybe he had defied her. Maybe he was up there now, cooking over a campfire, settling in under the stars, oblivious to the worry he was causing his mother.
She threw down her dish towel. "I'm going after him myself."
"Ellie, you won't get there before dark!"
"I will. I'll take Ruckus. He's the fastest."
"Ellie! If something happened to you—"
"Nothing will happen to me. I promise. But I need to know nothing has happened to Josh!"
It was like the night she'd looked for Spike. She'd never wanted to relive that experience, could happily have gone to her death never having felt this grip of terror again. It can't happen twice, she told herself. Please God, it can't happen twice.
But in a just world, she knew, it shouldn't have even happened once.
"Oh, God," she muttered. "Please."
She wanted Rance. She wanted him to go with her. She wanted his warm, solid body hard against hers, holding her and telling her it was all in her mind. Josh was fine. Of course Josh was fine.
Her mind was her worst enemy, Ellie knew that. How could it not be? Her mind remembered seeing Spike's horse at the edge of the woods, saddled, riderless. Engraved on her memory was the sight of Spike's lifeless body—
No! She couldn't think of that!
Tears blinded her. She dug her heels into Ruckus's side, urging him on. All the while she kept her eyes peeled for any sign of Spirit. For Josh. Either. Hopefully both.
It was going dusk when she finally reached the area above the ridge where Josh would have been—if he'd been there.
She called his name. She took the flashlight she'd brought along and flashed it in high wide arcs, hoping to get a response from Josh who carried one, too. But there was no reply. There was no Josh.
She turned, fear gripping her heart, and rode Ruckus home.
Rance had done a good job on Ruckus. He was quick but surefooted as he picked his way back down the mountain in the growing darkness. Ellie shined the flashlight now and then, but mostly she trusted him to pick his way. She hung on—and prayed.
Maybe he was home already.
Maybe he'd come some other way.
Maybe she'd just missed him.
Maybe…
"Oh, Josh." His name was a prayer on her lips. And then, unbidden again, came another name. "Rance!" She cried his name. She couldn't help it.
If he'd been here!
If he'd stayed!
Trying to do right, had they been wrong, after all?
Ellie swiped at tears that touched her cheeks. She swallowed hard at the lump choking her throat. "Come on, Ruckus. Come on."
She needed to get home. Needed to find Josh. Needed to know.
The lights in the house were all on when she rode in. She didn't stop at the barn, but rode straight into the yard. They must have heard her coming, for at once the door opened, and Sandra stepped onto the porch. She looked at Ellie as desperately as Ellie looked at her.
"No?" They said the word at the same time, hoping against hope. The children crowded around Sandra—Caleb, Daniel, Carrie.
But not Josh.
"No," Ellie whispered. "No."
She slid out of the sadd
le and simply stood there, her face pressed against Ruckus's neck, trying to hang on, to gather strength, to do … to do whatever had to be done.
The headlights coming over the hill caught her from behind. She spun around into the glare, then as they curved down the road and out of her direct gaze, she tried to see who it was. A neighbor, she hoped, bringing Josh home. Or Rance.
She needed Rance.
If something had happened to Josh, how on earth could she ever tell Rance?
"Rance!" It was Daniel who shouted his name.
And then Caleb and Carrie did, too, and Sandra said, "It is," and Ellie blinked back tears to get a better look through the darkness at the truck that had almost reached them.
Oh, God, it was!
How had he known?
The kids were running, but she was faster. She ran right in front of the truck, and he slammed on the brakes and jumped out almost before he'd stopped.
"El!"
"Oh, Rance! Oh, Rance. It's Josh!" And she flung herself into his arms. "I can't find him! He went up the ridge to check the cattle! And he's never come back! I've looked! I can't find him! Oh, God, Rance. I can't do this without you. I don't care how right we were. I can't do it alone anymore!"
His arms were around her, hard and tight and he was kissing her—her cheeks, her mouth, her hair. And he was saying, "You don't have to do it alone, El. He doesn't want you to do it alone. He's here. I'm here."
The words barely penetrated. But his calmness did. "He's here. I've got him. He's here." Rance kept saying it over and over while his hands rubbed her back and chafed her arms. "I've brought him home. Josh is here."
And finally she understood. She swallowed her tears and shuddered. She couldn't seem to stop shaking. But she understood. She pulled back, looked at him, into his eyes, saw them smile at her.
"H-he's with y-you?"
Rance turned her in his arms. He didn't let go, though, just steered her around the side of the truck and let her look in the cab. There, slumped against the passenger door, sound asleep, was Josh.
Ellie shook her head. "Where did you get him?" Her voice barely worked.
"He came to my office."
Her eyes widened. "Your office? Where? Not in Helena?"
"In Helena." Rance pulled her back hard against him and wrapped his arms around her, then let them slip down to add Caleb and Daniel and Carrie to his embrace. They all stood there looking at Josh.
"That's a long way," Caleb said.
"A real long way," said Daniel.
"Gosh," Carrie said.
"H-how?" Ellie asked.
"He had somebody's older brother buy him a bus ticket. When he got to Helena, he had to find my office. It isn't very close to the bus station. He had a hike, but he made it." Rance's tone held a hint of admiration. "He's a damn resourceful kid."
"He terrified me," Ellie said shakily. "I thought—I remembered—" But she just shook her head again, unable to even say the words.
Rance's arms tightened around her. "I know. I should have made him call. I was going to, but he said he'd left you a letter on your bed."
"My bed?" Ellie sighed, and one last tremor rippled through her. "I never even noticed." She looked again at her sleeping son. How could he ever have thought she'd just go to bed without knowing where he was?
"He's just a boy, El," Rance said gently. "He doesn't know how parents worry."
She could tell from his tone that he was including himself in that remark. And somehow it didn't seem so surprising that, even if he hadn't brought Josh with him, Rance would have turned up to worry with her.
"Come on," he said now. "Let's get him inside." Then he turned to the other kids. "It's late. All you guys need to go to bed."
Taking charge. Just like that. Ellie looked at him. There was tenderness in his eyes. And warmth. And banked passion. Most of all there was love.
She wanted the words, but she couldn't ask for them. The children had no such compunctions.
"Are you stayin'?" Daniel asked him.
Rance smiled. "Yep."
"Will you be here in the morning?" Caleb pressed.
"You bet."
Carrie tugged at the leg of his jeans. "Can you tell me an' Clarissa an' Lone Bear a story?"
Rance's smile widened and he touched her hair. "I think that can be arranged."
He gave Ellie one more squeeze, his eyes saying things her heart was dying to hear. But she was willing now to wait.
Rance went around to the other side of the truck and opened the door, catching Josh's limp body against his. The movement jarred the boy. He started, blinked and looked around sleepily. "We home?" he murmured to Rance, still leaning into his embrace, not pulling away at all.
Rance scooped him into his arms. "We're home," he said.
Ellie felt a sob catch in her throat.
The sound made Josh turn his head. He smiled at his mother. "I brought 'im back for you," he said.
Tears blurred Ellie's vision. "Oh, Josh!" She shook her head and reached for him, hugging him between her body and Rance's. "There are telephones. Why did you go? I was scared to death. You could have called him if you needed to talk!"
But Josh shook his head. "No, I couldn't. It's like Dad said, 'some things gotta be done man-to-man.'" He shifted a little, and Rance let him down so that the boy stood on the ground between them. He looked at his mother. "I did it," he said quietly. Then he tipped his head and looked up at Rance. "Didja ask her?"
Rance shook his head.
Josh's brows drew down. "Why not? What're you waitin' for?" he asked impatiently.
Rance grinned. "Nothin'. Nothin' at all." He tousled Josh's hair roughly and the boy caught his hand and held it there.
Then Rance looked at Ellie. "Will you marry me?" he said.
She said yes.
He'd thought she would. He'd told himself, of course she would.
But even so, he'd had the terrible fear that somehow, even with Josh's blessing, it wouldn't happen. Something else would come along, someone new would step in, some other obstacle would rise up and shatter his hopes, his dreams—dare he say, his expectations?
But she said yes.
And then she kissed him. Right then. Right there—with Josh still standing between them. Though, bless him, he slipped out of the way, to look up at them. And out of the corner of his eye, Rance could see him smiling.
Then he felt a hand come out and tighten around his. Not Ellie's hand. A smaller, callused, boy's hand. A young man's hand. Because Josh had behaved like a man today.
And as Rance kissed Josh's mother, he whispered. "He's quite a man, our son."
Later, when the kids were all in bed and Sandra, having given him a hug and a warm welcome to the family, had gone home with the promise that she would see to Spirit, whom Josh said he'd left in her small barn, Rance finally had Ellie alone.
They were on the couch, their arms around each other, and he could feel her heart beat against the wall of his chest. There had been a time, not so many hours ago, when he'd despaired of ever holding her like this again.
"Tell me what happened," Ellie said softly. "Why did you— Why did he…?" She stopped, wonderingly, and just waited.
Rance's mouth tipped up in an equally wondering smile. "He told me it was because he had to do the right thing."
Ellie shifted her weight, easing her body alongside his. "What do you mean?"
"The night Dad brought him back, the night I told the old man there was no way I was going to do to Josh what he'd done to me, Josh was right outside the barn." Rance gave a wry shrug. "He'd come to tell his grandfather that he was never going to give up the ranch, that he was never going to be a Phillips. And he heard me telling the old man the same thing for him."
It was one of those miracles that Rance didn't want to look at too closely.
"Did you mean it?" Josh had asked him this afternoon. It was the first thing the boy had said to him, when Jodi had shown him in and left the two of them alone.
/> "Mean what?" Rance had been so astonished to see Josh standing in front of him that he hadn't had a clue what the boy was asking. What are you doing here? he wondered. Why did you tell Jodi you're my son?
My son.
It was the first time he'd let himself really think the words, the first time since he'd left them that he'd dared.
Did he dare?
And then Josh was answering him. "Mean what you said about my … my dad? My … other dad." He looked at the floor, then back up at Rance. "And that I don't have to be a Phillips?"
My other dad.
Was he going to get a share, then? For an instant Rance's eyes closed and he sent a small prayer winging heavenward. Thank you, Spike, for loving him, for raising him, for being a father to him. And, most of all, thank you for sharing.
Then he opened his eyes again and looked at Josh squarely. The boy was standing painfully straight, his fingers knotted into fists at his sides. "You don't have to be a Phillips, Josh," Rance said softly. "Ever. Not unless you want to be—and only as much as you want to be. It doesn't matter to me. I will always be proud to call Josh O'Connor my son."
And then Josh breathed again. He grinned a little. And so did Rance. And then he stood up and shoved his casebook back on the shelf and said, "You want to go get a Coke?"
Josh nodded wordlessly.
They walked out of the office together, Rance with his hand on Josh's shoulder while Jodi and Lydia looked on, openmouthed.
"Rance?" Lydia said. "Where are you going?"
And he'd said, "Home."
That's where he was now. Home. Home at the O'Connor ranch. Home where his family was. Home in Ellie's arms.
"We talked a lot, El," he said now, still marveling at how once they'd got past the first bit, it hadn't been so hard at all. "He told me he'd looked for me the next morning but Dad and I had already left. And then he told me he'd decided it was just as well, that things were back to normal, the way he'd wanted them, and he was determined to make them work."
"He worked," Ellie said. "Every day. All day. Like he was possessed."
"Yes." Josh had said something like that, but not in those words. Then he'd shaken his head and told Rance that it wasn't the same anymore. "Everybody was lonelier, sadder. Especially his mom."
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