by Unknown
“Thanks, Nate. You were always such a great guy. I really hope you make peace with yourself, and Charlie. It was good to see you guys again,” she tells Tucker and Holt. We really did have the best group when we dated. The guys were sad to see her go, but a lot of time has passed, and we’ve grown up and moved on.
“Have a good night, Heather, and be safe in your travels.” Tucker hugs her, then Holt follows suit.
“We loved seeing you again. Don’t be a stranger in the future,” Holt adds with a gentle smile.
“Goodnight.” Heather says to our group, before walking back to her car and leaving the parking lot.
“Nate—” I hear Halley start, but Holt beats me to it.
“Not now, babe. Let it be. We don’t know the full story. Give the guy room to come up for air. You can rain all over his parade tomorrow. I promise.” He chuckles, but even I can hear the strange way it comes out.
“Thanks, man.” I bump his shoulder. “I’ll see you all back at the house. Ladies,” I bid them farewell as I take my leave.
Bed. That’s all I’m going to worry about now. It’s too late to think about anything else.
IT’S THE DAY AFTER OUR run-in with Heather, at T.J.’s, and I’m still conflicted. At the moment, I really want to jump in the truck, and go make-up with Charlie. There’s a part of me that’s scared out of my mind, for a couple of different reasons. One—I’m scared of the long lasting feelings, and second, I’m scared that Charlie is done with me. I’m slightly more confident over her taking me back than I am of my feelings.
I can’t shake the thought that I’ve just let her slip through my fingers, though. And I’m not in the mood to take advice from Holt or Tucker, should I run into them. I’m doing what I do best—avoiding everyone. Instead, I’m letting the back-and-forth thoughts bog me down.
Even if I need space to just be me for awhile, I know I can’t leave Charlie hanging with what went down last night. Rolling over on my bed, where I’ve been for the last hour—letting my mind get trampled on by my thoughts, to pick up my cell phone. I dial her number, and listen to it ring until it turns over to her voicemail. I frown down at the horrible device in my hand, not wanting to believe Charlie wouldn’t answer the phone for me. Once again my mind travels over last night’s incident, leading me to automatically think the worse. Surely she’s busy, or didn’t hear it? I try her again, only to get her voicemail once more. Deciding that the whole ‘third time’s a charm’ is the best way to go, I try her yet again, to my displeasure when she doesn’t pick up. I hang up, without leaving a voicemail, and send her a text instead.
Nate: Hey, Charlie. Just checking in. Hit me up, when you get this message.
I chuck the offending piece of metal onto the bed, and flop back into the mattress, not wanting to get up or on with my day. I know I need to get out of the house for awhile, and away from the prying housemates. They’re sure to come my way before the day is out.
The best medicine for all that’s ailing me is the track, I decide, while rolling off the edge of the bed. It’s time to put everything behind me and just give into the one thing I have left that keeps me solid, racing and head to the track.
I see Nate’s number pull up on my phone, but I can’t find it in me to answer it. I’m not ready for whatever he’s going to dish out. I thought I knew him. I thought we had something really great going, and I thought giving him space was the right move. Boy was I the village idiot in this play. I should have known he would never succumb to a deeper relationship. I thought we were making leeway, until the night he shared about his mother—when it started really going downhill. I could’ve lived with his conditions, for the most part, but to watch him have a tender moment with some woman I’ve never seen before? I felt as though he suckered punched me.
I bet he was calling to apologize and explain away who she was, but I’m tired of being jerked around with his wishy-washy ways. I never thought I would feel that way. After all, he’s mostly been a perfect gentleman. Now, he can’t make up his mind, and yet he’s distant, too. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I can’t get off of the ride. So today, I choose to put a stop to it, and take back what I was giving away. Either he sits down so we can sort out his issues so we can get back to the us we were becoming, or we call it quits. I’m in love with Nate, and my heart can’t take anymore up and downs with his wavering ways.
I turn my phone off, so I don’t have to feel guilty because I know I will miss more calls from him today, and decide to go the salon. I could use a hair trim, and my nails painted. It’s an indulgence, but I really need to do something for myself and for once, I’m focusing on me. I need to find some joy in my day and I deserve a splurge day after all I’ve been through with my emotions, feeling like a rag rung out to dry.
Feeling good a few hours later, I take myself out to lunch and then a movie. I haven’t had alone time like this in a really long time, and boy does it feel good. I got too wrapped up in one guy, it was nice, but I forgot to take care of myself in the process. I’m over being the fuddy-duddy but I’m not reverting back to my shell again. That part of my life is through. If there are a few things Nate taught me, it was to live and to love. I can’t predict what will happen with our relationship, but I know that he needs a time-out, and I need to make myself happy. That’s exactly what I’m doing.
I hope in a few days’ time, I can talk to Nathan and figure out what’s going on between us. I can’t be on a string anymore, like I have been more recently.
I check my phone and see I’ve missed a couple of more calls from Nate, which I decide not to return right now, and walk into the movie theater fully prepared to laugh like crazy at some silly comedy. I think this is the best medicine to cure my needs for the time being. It won’t take care of everything in the long run, but it sure feels good to live and do things without relying on Nate, or my friends. I have to wonder why I never tried this sooner.
I can’t get away from my own thoughts today, so I decided to do laps out at the race track. It’s the only way I could think of to get my mind free from the jail it’s been in for the last few weeks. Not just the events from the other night. Trying is the keyword as my mind is plagued with all thoughts of Charlie. I’m still mad about Dave. I can’t believe he had the nerve to imply that he’s waiting in the background to catch Charlie when I break her. I’m not a violent man, but I really would have liked to have knocked him a good one, when he had his hands on her, or when he spouted his mouth off.
Hurting Charlie is the last thing I wanted to do. Not only am I hurting her, but I’m hurting myself, and everyone else in the process. I’m not proud of these facts, either. I have these strong feelings for Charlie, after the time and memories we shared, and they scare me. I want to be the man she needs. I’m afraid I’ll fail her, or of losing her—which it appears to be happening, whether I want it or not. I’ve been a mess over this very subject, going back and forth on what I should do. Do I let go, and let it happen? Or do I hold close to my rules of never going the full distance.
I tried calling Charlie today, just to check in. I want to know if she’s okay, and explain to her what she saw with Heather. She never answers her phone, though and I didn’t bother to leave a message, either. There’s no point in trying to explain something this big over the phone, to someone who obviously rather not take my calls. I feel like she’s hit me in the gut.
Charlie ties me up in knots, and keeps me on a ledge. I’m trying to teeter between her and my feelings, not wanting to let go, or let her be the one who falls and gets hurt. I’m screwed up, I know. I fight my feelings, and yet I give off the vibe that I’m all in, with the exception of personal family information.
Charlie was never supposed to be long term. It was all supposed to be fun, sweet, and romantic with the eventuality of letting go, and moving on. I knew the moment I saw her that my life was about to turn upside down, and hang me out to dry. Charlie is not one to be strung along, or just for fun kind of woman. She’s meant to
be the last woman you date. The last woman you give your heart to. The last woman you ever say ‘I love you’ to. She’s supposed to be there for all of your trials and triumphs. She’s supposed to be the kind of lady who gives you sweet smiles for no reason, holds your hand on your worst day, and gives you a new reason to let the light shine on you when she brings a child into the world.
Distractions! That’s what Charlie is doing to me, causing one big distraction. I can’t focus properly, and that’s dangerous. It’s in these moments that I miss her, and I’m mad that she invades my solitude.
I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me lately. I’m mad at myself, at Charlie, and yet I can’t let go of anything. I want peace and solitude. I want to go back to my old ways, but at the same time I never want to go back to those places again. I really just want Charlie. I feel like I’m losing my mind with all of this back and forth madness. Will it ever stop?
Knowing nothing good will come from staying on the bike while Charlie controls my every thought, I realize it’s time to call it quits and head home. I just finished latching the tailgate, when I see Shelley. She’s hanging onto another guy. Thankfully it’s not me, though I have to shake my head at her. I hope he knows what he’s doing. I’m definitely not going to get into that mess. I’m in a big enough of one on my own. I give a chin nod to the guy then swing up into my truck and take off.
I’m a glutton for punishment, because I get the brilliant idea to stop by Charlie’s place before calling it a night. I don’t see her car in the lot, so I leave, not bothering to call her this time. If she wants space, I can understand that.
My phone rings the minute I step foot into the house. My heart races, thinking its Charlie, I answer without looking at caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Hey, big brother.”
“Carianna,” I say with less enthusiasm once I know it’s my sister.
“I wouldn’t want you jumping for joy over my call,” she teases.
“Sorry, I thought you were Charlie.”
“Oh? What’s wrong? You sound like your down on your luck. Having woman troubles?” she inquires, but I can hear concern in her voice.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I mutter.
“If you decide you do want to talk about it, I could lend my best listening ear.”
“I know. Thanks. But like I said, I don’t want to talk about it.” I add with a little more force than I mean to.
“Look, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say it. I think you’re mad about something, and I have a feeling it’s from the night you got hammered.”
“You’re right. I’m really ticked off. And now that you've mentioned it, I can’t believe I didn’t think to aim my ire at you while I’ve been kicking myself, and I’ve been mad at Charlie and Dave.”
“What’s Dave got to do with this?”
“He’s trying to steal my girl!”
“What? So you’re not broken up with Charlie?”
“What? Of course not. Who have you been talking to?”
“No one. I guess the vibe I’m getting from you, came off wrong.”
I don’t believe her for a minute. “Seriously, Carianna. Why do you think I’ve broken up with Charlie?”
“Oh, come on, Nate. It’s not like you bring anyone home. You certainly never share about our mom, and her passing with anyone. I’m sure you pulled away from Charlie, as you certainly gave me the cold shoulder since the night she came over. What gives?”
“Are you trying to pick a fight?”
“No, but I’ve been waiting for you to talk to me about that night, and yet—you haven’t. Don’t tell me you aren’t mad that I asked her to come over.”
“Okay, fine. Yes, I was really upset that you would go behind my back and ask her to come over. I never wanted her to see me that way. Why do you think the guys didn’t call her? She didn’t deserve to see that. To top it all off, I feel like a jerk because I didn’t remember telling her about mom the next morning. You weren’t there, and it wasn’t you who saw that face of dejection. I did, though. I saw how hurt she was by my actions which were exactly why I didn’t want her over here in the first place!”
“Look, I was doing you a favor. When are you finally going to grieve the loss of our mother, and let go? I would say you’re definitely in the middle of the process, with how mad you are at everyone. Don’t think I don’t know you, Nathan. It’s time to let the past go.”
“Did I ask you to butt in? I can handle myself, Carianna. I don’t need you to mother me. I haven’t had one in a very long time and I think I turned out just fine.”
“If you don’t think anything is wrong with how you handle your relationships, or your family relationships, then you need a wakeup call. You might have had to pull me out of my own messes, and stepped in for dad, but you never did handle your own grief properly. Do you think Heather wanted you to let her go? She would have done anything to hold on to you. You don’t remember much during that time, but I do. I remember how much Heather had to grieve you, as she did our mother. She loved her just as much as the rest of us. She loved you, to see you through to a good place in your life. Instead, you cut her loose. Now, you have Charlie. Why are you throwing something special away?”
“I’m not throwing anything away. I can’t give myself to her one-hundred percent. I’m not even a whole man, I know. I’m not stupid, or blind at how I live my life. I know exactly what I’m doing. I just didn’t plan for Charlie. She was an unexpected distraction.”
“Really, Nathan!” she scolds me. “You’re not this type of man. I know you’re hurting and you’re upset. But I’m telling you right now, if you don’t make things right with Charlie soon, you’ll lose her for good.”
“Are you done trying to tell me how to run my life, and my relationship with my girl?”
“I don’t know, are you going to listen? And is she even still yours?” and with that she hangs up on me. I throw the phone at the couch then throw myself onto the couch, too. I have no idea why that just all happened the way it did. I know she’s right; I just don’t want to hear it from her.
“Well, that was something.” I open my eyes, to see Holt standing over me.
“Listening in on conversations now?”
“No. I can’t help over hearing anything in my own house when someone’s yelling.” He frowns. “What’s going on?”
“Just Carianna, giving her two cents about how to live my life and how to treat my girlfriend.”
“Sounds like she hit the right nerve.” He quirks his brow. “I didn’t realize you decided to call Charlie your girlfriend, now.”
I scowl at him. “I’m not in the mood for an inquisition.”
“Of course not,” he scoffs. “Good old Nate, using his famous ‘avoids’ tactic. Tell me, how’s that working out for you?”
“It’s not. Is that what you wanted to hear so you could gloat?”
“No, I just wanted to help my best friend out. Is that a crime? I don’t want to see a sweet innocent woman be hurt in the process, nor do I want to see my friend spiral out of control like he started to on the anniversary of his mother’s death.”
“Don’t bring my mom into this!” I yell, jumping off the couch.
“Whoa! What’s your problem, man?” Tucker rushes into the living room.
“Nothing. I’m just mad, and I can’t understand my own emotional state at the moment,” I feel myself deflate and flop back onto the couch. “Maybe Carianna was right. Maybe I’m finally going through the grieving process. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. I thought I had a good balance for Charlie and me but then I go and screw up, and now we’re just a big jumbled mess to my own doing.” I scrub a hand down my face. “I’m sorry I yelled.” I give the guys an apologetic shrug of the shoulder. “I feel so screwed up. I can’t seem to do anything right. I’ve gotten so off course from which I usually am that I don’t know who this new angry person is.”
“You need to get your hea
d on straight, brother. But first, you need to patch things up with Charlie. I’m not saying you need to jump in with both feet, but you need to make common ground with her, and figure out where you two stand. She’s going through a rough time herself.” Tucker gives it to me straight.
“I know. I’ve been a real jerk lately.” I sigh, looking down at the ground so they can’t read the humiliation that runs through the course of my body.
“We all know this isn’t like you. Just remember, you’ve never been in this situation with a woman before.” Holt reminds me. “When you and Heather were together, you were just teens with endless possibilities before you. You both had a lot of life to live before you settled down. I can’t say you didn’t love her, but I will say this—it’s nothing like what I’ve seen with you and Charlie.”
“I think the pressure of keeping to your rules, yet trying hard to not fall in love, got to you, and you did let yourself fall. It’s like, once you realized it, you messed up, and started spiraling after that. Holt and I didn’t want to step in, but now? We wouldn’t be good friends to you if we didn’t do something. It’s time to help you.” Tucker gives me a look of sympathy, but I know he’s right. I need them to be the support that holds me up.
“I suggest you cool your jets, and then go to Charlie in a couple of days.”
“I don’t know if she’ll take me back, or listen to me. She won’t even take my calls, let alone return a text. I even stopped by her place and she wasn’t there. I think she’s avoiding me.”
“Can you blame her? You’ve been stupid with her, then she saw Heather and she still is clueless as to who Heather is. We haven’t told the girls much either, but it wouldn’t matter. She’s not talking to anyone right now anyway. So, it’s not just you, though you deserve it more than the rest of us.” Holt mutters.