His eyebrows knit together in concern. “I heard you tossing and turning last night. Do you want to talk about that?”
So I told him what had happened, how I was in love with and dating Ember without her family’s knowledge, but that we’d been caught in a compromising position. “My dad seems to be okay with it, but my little sister informs me that Ember’s mom is freaking out. Ember is big on not upsetting her mom, so I don’t really know what’s going to happen. It’s the not knowing that’s hard, but I have to wait and see.”
“Dude. That sucks. What can I do?”
Sometimes I hated when people asked that question, like I had some internal list where I was just waiting for a volunteer to offer to wash my laundry and then I would suddenly be healed. But I knew the intention was sincere. “Thanks for offering, but all I need from you is to know that I can talk to you.”
“I was going to go have breakfast with Jess, but I can cancel,” he offered. “Or you could come with us.”
I wasn’t usually one to turn down food, but there was something I needed to do. I’d been so busy avoiding my problems that I’d forgotten all the lessons I’d already learned the hard way. Like how I couldn’t control what was happening around me, but that I could control how I reacted to it. What decisions I made. That if there was something in my life I could fix, I should try.
“Thanks for the offer, but no, thanks. There’s someone I have to go talk to.”
I sat in the diner, waiting. I told the waitress I wasn’t that hungry, so I only ordered some onion rings, a double-decker burger, two chocolate milkshakes, and a slice of apple pie with a scoop of ice cream on it.
“I’d hate to see you hungry,” she teased. “I’ll have that right out to you.”
The booth I’d chosen faced the front door so that I could watch people coming in and out. I didn’t know if she would show up, not after how we left things. But it was a necessary conversation. I needed some answers.
Right after my food arrived, I heard the door chimes and there she was.
My mother.
She spotted me immediately and came over to sit down across from me. “Thank you for asking me to meet you.”
I noticed her hands shaking slightly as she put her purse down next to her. I felt nervous, too. She had nothing to do with my relationship with Ember, but she was a current problem in my life. One I didn’t understand, so I had decided to reach out to her, to let her explain like she’d requested. If I didn’t like what she had to say, I didn’t have to see her again. But I owed myself this. I felt like I couldn’t move on with my life until I’d finished up this chapter.
I also had to stop living in a land of delusion where everything would magically resolve itself without me having to make any effort or choices.
“That’s a lot of food!” she said. Her smile felt forced, as if she was trying too hard. “You ate all the time when you were small. I thought you were going to eat us out of house and home.”
“I do like to eat.” I wanted to roll my eyes at myself. Obviously, we were not going to do well with small talk. It already felt weird and stilted. “Look, I asked you to meet me here because you said in your letter that you wanted to explain. I wasn’t ready to hear it before. But I’m ready to hear it now.”
She gulped, her mouth compressed in a small tight line. As if she was trying to smile but couldn’t. She swallowed again before she said, “Back then, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt bad all the time, and the only thing that made me feel better was drinking or getting high. I thought getting married would fix it. Then I thought having kids would force me to quit. And I was able to stop while I was pregnant with you and Marley. Protecting you was the most important thing. And afterward, I told myself it was fine. I functioned just like any other parent, only I wasn’t using caffeine and prescription sleeping pills to get through my days.”
Her mention of other parents made me think of my father. He had never spoken about his addiction with me, other than to tell me not to be stupid and that as the child of two addicts, I was most likely going to end up an addict myself if I wasn’t careful. I wondered how he had started. If he had justified his decisions the same way my mother had.
“I also didn’t know that I suffered from depression,” she said, and a flare of recognition burst into life inside me. I’d inherited it from her. I felt like I had mine mostly under control now, but there’d been a couple of times in my life when I was sad and overwhelmed. It somehow made me feel better to know that she’d gone through the same thing. It made me feel something for her. Something besides anger or hatred.
She kept talking. “About two years after Marley was born, everything just fell apart. I don’t even know how to explain it, but it was like there was this huge boulder on my chest all of the time. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Like you pointed out, I couldn’t get out of bed. You had to take care of Marley, and your dad had to take care of both of you.”
“I remember.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. I’d always blamed her, thought she was weak, but now I was having to reassess how I viewed the past because I hadn’t known what she’d gone through.
She folded her hands together and placed them on the table. “Things got so bad that my brain told me the only way out of the darkness was to leave. I thought I was doing the right thing. I never felt selfish because I’d convinced myself that you’d be better off without me. That I was somehow actually helping you. I think I was trying to get away from myself. But wherever I went, there I was. It took me a while to sort my life out, to find out what was happening to me, to start going to Narcotics Anonymous and find the antidepressants that worked best for me.”
“When you got your life turned around, why didn’t you get in contact then?” I asked.
“I was so ashamed. I couldn’t imagine how much I’d hurt the three of you because I knew how much I was hurting. I missed you so much.” At this her eyes welled up. “I even came to some of your football games in high school. I wanted to see you, even if it was from a distance. I thought I didn’t deserve to have you in my life. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy before I got to a point where I finally felt like I was allowed to try and have you be a part of my life again. My husband, Richard, he’s the one who encouraged me to seek you out. And I want you to meet Elijah and Evelyn. I want you to be a part of your brother’s and sister’s lives. And mine.”
How was I supposed to react to that? It was hard to stay angry when I, probably more than anyone else in her life, understood what she’d gone through. In Pennsylvania I’d self-medicated when my antidepressants weren’t working correctly. I’d gone down a similar path she had, only hers had been more destructive because there’d been more at stake for her than there was for me. The only difference was that it had taken her longer to find what would work for her medically. How could I be mad at her for something that I’d done?
She shouldn’t have abandoned her kids. But when that darkness, that dragon, got its claws into you? It didn’t let go. And it convinced people that they didn’t need help and they didn’t need medication, and it took so much effort sometimes to fight. Sometimes it felt easier just to give in.
Just because I’d been able to navigate out of my tailspin relatively easily didn’t mean that everyone could.
As if she understood me struggling with this new information, she tentatively reached across the table, putting her hand on top of mine.
I let her.
“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. And I will understand if you can’t forgive me. I’ll never be able to tell you how much I regret what I did. If I thought it would make things better, I would spend the rest of my life apologizing to you. Because I am truly, and deeply, so sorry.”
For some reason that made the inside of my chest hurt, and a lump formed in my throat. “I’m going to need to think about it.”
I saw her surprise, which she quickly replaced with a smile. A real one this time. “O
f course. I would never want to rush you into something you weren’t ready for. I miss you and your sister so much.” She squeezed my hand again before letting go.
“But you’re going out with Marley soon, right?” After I came by her house, my mom had dropped her custody suit and had reached out to my dad instead, asking to be able to spend time with Marley. Which my sister had quickly agreed to. Marley had texted me all about it, excited at the chance to finally get to know our mom. She’d had questions for years, but like me she’d been afraid of hurting or upsetting our dad after everything he’d gone through, so she kept it to herself. But now that the opportunity was here, she didn’t plan on missing out on it.
“We decided to go get mani-pedis. She sent me a current picture of her. I can’t believe how much she’s grown up! She’s so beautiful.”
“She is.” At least we could agree on how amazing Marley was. It might be the only thing we had in common for a while.
“Well, what I want is to stay and talk to you, but I think it’s probably better if we finish today here. You think about things and let me know what you want to do moving forward. My home is always open to you, and I do want to be a part of your life again. I’ll probably text you from time to time, if that’s okay.”
“That’s . . . fine.” And surprisingly enough, it was.
“Okay.” She stood up and slipped her purse strap over her shoulder. She stood there for a moment, as if unsure what to do. Like she wanted to hug me, but she must have been able to tell I wasn’t there yet. Instead she just waved and told me goodbye.
When she walked out of the diner, I slumped against my seat. I crammed three onion rings into my mouth. They’d gone cold, but I didn’t care. Relief flooded through me. I’d been almost afraid to talk to her, but that had gone better than I’d anticipated. And it made me understand things about her that I never had before.
It also made me understand some things about myself, too. When I’d left home at seventeen, I told myself it was the righteous, noble move. To sacrifice my happiness for my family. But having heard my mom saying that her depression caused her to believe something similar, and knowing that my medication hadn’t been working for me back then, had I done the same thing? Had I convinced myself that all of them, including Ember, would be better off without me? Happier, if I was just gone?
Maybe my depression had been more in control of that decision than I’d realized.
I wanted to tell Ember. It felt like something important that I needed to share with her.
Another thing this conversation showed me was that I could do really hard things. If someone had told me a month ago that I’d be sitting down with my mother while she explained her actions, I would have laughed. Because I wouldn’t have been able to conceive of a future where this would have happened, yet here I was.
If I could do this, then I was strong enough to deal with anything. Even Ember saying that things had to be over between us because our families wouldn’t accept it. I could do hard things and not let despair win.
I had to choose. And I planned on choosing to try and be happy, no matter what happened.
I chose Ember. I chose her when I was seventeen, I was choosing her now, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life choosing to be with her and only her.
Now I just had to figure out a way to convince her that we deserved a shot.
I grabbed my hamburger and scarfed it down. I raised my hand to flag down the waitress. As soon as I finished this food, I needed to get going.
I had a gift to buy for my girlfriend.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
EMBER
“Ember! Door’s for you!”
Molly’s voice echoed down the hallway, and my heart raced. Bash? Was he here? What was I going to say to him? I would have to send him away. Not because I didn’t want to see him. I did. Desperately. I wanted to explain everything. That I was in love with him and no matter what happened with our parents, I wanted to be with him. But I needed to talk to my mom first, to let her know about the decision I’d made. That I was going to date Bash and that there wouldn’t be anything she could say or do that was going to change my mind. I wanted to have everything cleared up. I didn’t want there to be anyone or anything hanging over our heads while he and I decided what to do next.
I recognized that it was going to be hard to go against her wishes, but I had to remember that I was doing this for me.
For me and for Bash.
Only it wasn’t Bash standing in my living room. It was my mom.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I thought you’d come see me. And when you didn’t, I decided to come to you. Can we talk?” She looked very uncomfortable, which immediately made my stomach drop down to my knees. I don’t have to win her approval, I reminded my brain.
“Oh, I have to go, um, be someplace that’s not here,” Molly said, disappearing into her room and closing the door.
I went over and sat on the couch, and my mom followed me.
My mom cleared her throat. “I’m sure you know why I’m here.”
“I have a pretty good guess.” I didn’t know how else to respond to it. She’d come to me; I was going to let her lead this conversation.
“How long has this thing been going on with Ian?”
Lauren had told me that Bash and his dad had had a serious conversation. She didn’t already have this information? Or maybe she just wanted to hear it coming from me. “Recently? It’s only been a few days. And we spent weeks before that dancing around each other, trying to deny our feelings because we were afraid of the exact scenario that happened. But before that? Bash and I started dating in high school, and we were in love back then. We dated for months, and then you married Doug, and Bash left because Doug told him to stay away from me.”
It was only now that I could admit that I had somewhat resented Doug. Not for causing Bash to leave; that had been Bash’s decision. But for so long my family had been me, my mom, and Lauren. Doug married her, and it had never been the same. Maybe that was another reason why I tried so hard to please her. To reassure myself that I hadn’t lost my place in her heart.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me about him?”
I was so busy thinking about Doug that it took me a second to realize that she meant Bash. “I don’t know. In the beginning it was because he and I chose to keep it quiet. We liked that we were together and nobody else knew. It didn’t start out as intentional; I think I was scared he’d figure out he didn’t really like me, and I didn’t want to be embarrassed. As we got more serious, and I knew it was real, we had plans to share it with everyone. Then you went and married Doug, and that was that.”
“But you could have told me after. Especially once he left.”
“You got sick,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “And then everything was focused on your cancer and healing, and honestly, I just tried to put him out of my mind because I couldn’t have dealt with missing him and being terrified that you were going to die.”
“Oh, sweetie, I’m fine now.” She took both of my hands in hers.
“I know that. Logically, I know. But I lost my father. He wasn’t that great of a father, but he was the only one I had, and he’s gone. And I can’t even tell you—” My words caught, my voice breaking, and I struggled to stay in control. “I can’t even tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve had worrying about you. You’re the only parent I have left, and I think somehow my brain decided that if I was good and did what you wanted and made you happy, you’d stay healthy.”
“Neither one of us is in control of whether or not I have a recurrence. In the past, there’s been times that I haven’t expressed to you how much I’ve appreciated your help and love. When your dad left I think I internalized the idea that everything had to be on my shoulders. I’d have to be both mom and dad to you and Lauren. That the only person I could count on was myself. I feel . . . weak when I have to rely on other people. Even you.”
“Mom, you’re not
weak. You never have been. You kicked cancer’s butt. You’re a warrior.”
She smiled sadly. “I usually don’t feel like it. And when you call to check up on me, it reminds me of a time when I couldn’t take care of anyone. I hate feeling that way.”
It looked like I wasn’t the only one who had issues from my dad leaving us. “I understand. But I think some things between us need to change.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’ll stop checking up on you so often. I’ve also recognized that I’m too desperate for your approval. I’m terrified of heights, Mom. And I went skydiving just to make you happy. It was one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. Bash was the one who got me through the whole experience and made everything better.” Why had it taken me so long to figure out that he was in love with me? He’d been showing me from the beginning, since our double date with other people. I’d been so blind.
“I had no idea! I never would have asked you to do it if I’d known you felt that way.”
That actually made me feel better. Like she was really hearing and seeing me and what I needed. “It’s not just that. It’s affected most of my life. Like I’m majoring in nursing because of you.”
Her eyebrows knit together. “I thought you wanted to help people and that’s why you chose it.”
“I did. I do. But you were so excited and proud of me when I told you that’s what I was considering majoring in.”
“Of course I was proud of you and your choice. But I would have been proud of you no matter what you wanted to do.”
My nerves began to fray as I considered telling her what I really wanted to be. Figuring this was the time, I took in a deep breath before I said, “I think that what I want is to be a writer.”
“And . . . what? You think that will upset me?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “It’s not like becoming a nurse.”
“There is more than one way to help people. When I was going through chemo, it was movies and books that got me through it. That let me forget and took my brain away from my toxin-riddled, nauseated body and to fantastic places with beautiful love stories. Entertainment? That helps people. It can soothe worries and calm fears and let you destress and escape your everyday life. I think that’s an incredible way to serve someone who is sick.”
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