by Amy Sparling
I shake my head so violently it knocks her off my shoulder. "No way, babe. I'm all in." She pushes her hair behind her ears, leans her elbows on the table and gives me a coy smile. "Me too."
"Oh yeah?" I grab her knee, slide my hand up her thigh slowly, stopping before I get too far. The bell rings, killing the mood. Students shuffle all around us, grabbing their things and walking toward the door. We stand up and I push in her chair for her. She grabs my hand and before we start walking toward the door, she pulls me down and kisses my cheek. Whispering in my ear she says, "My sister and I went to the store yesterday and I bought a box of condoms."
She smiles, so confident and beautiful that I think I may actually tear up with gratitude. But of course I can't do that, so I just grab her waist and pull her tightly to me. She gasps as my quick hug knocks the breath out of her. "It was kind of spur of the moment," she says in a strained, out of breath voice, "But you know, I figured we could use them and all."
Letting go, I pull back and look her in the eyes. I think I hear a teacher yelling at us to get to class. "Oh my god, Elisa," I say, "You are amazing."
Chapter 4
Friday actually whizzes by faster than I thought possible. The day didn't drag on like I had expected, and before I know it the final bell of the day rings and school is over. I rush home to clean my room, making sure to change the bed sheets. I pick up all of my filthy gym clothes that she always complains of smelling like death. Surveying myself in the mirror I realize that, in a few hours time, I'll be a man. I wonder if I'll look any different.
My parents leave for the night. Fridays are their date night at the bowling alley. They meet up with their friends and get drunk, then stumble home around three in the morning. It's the perfect night for losing my virginity.
Elisa had told her parents she was going to a girly sleepover at her friend Claire's house. What they don't know is that Elisa and Claire haven't had a real sleepover since freshman year. They also don't know that Claire lives three houses away from me, and every time they drop her off over there she waits a minute and then walks to my house. Parents are stupid. When I have kids I'm going to be a total hard ass of a father and make sure I know where they are at all times.
I shower, letting the intoxicating scent of Axe body wash stay on my skin longer than usual. The commercials are true – girls go crazy over this stuff. Elisa always went crazy when I was fresh out of the shower from a basketball game. Tonight needed to be perfect. So I rinse it off and then apply it again.
When my hair is dry and not gelled (since it'll only get messy anyhow), I stand in my closet looking for something to wear. Standing here in my boxers, I feel like a girl – so indecisive over something so pathetic. Will Elisa notice or care what I'm wearing? I settle on pajama pants and a black wife beater tank top. Its casual, it's nighttime, plus it makes my muscles look big.
I'm not nervous until Elisa calls. And as soon as my phone starts singing her ring tone, anxiety hits me like a wall of falling cinderblocks. I clear my throat and answer.
"Hey Claire," she says. She must be in front of her mom. I talk high-pitched and girly-like, "Oh, hi Elisa. Oh my gosh girlfriend, what's up?" She laughs. A car starts in the background. "I'm just calling to let you know that I'm on my way now. Mom's dropping me off," she says.
"Cool babe, I love you," I say in my normal voice.
"It's no problem. You want me to just go to your back door since the foyer is being re-tiled?" Her parents must have realized how long it takes her to walk to Claire's front door after being dropped off. Bravo, Elisa. In my girl voice again, I say, "Oh that sounds perfectly lovely. Do come over so we can paint our nails and talk about cute boys!"
She chuckles. "Okay, see you in ten minutes."
She lied. I look at the clock on our back patio again. It had been twelve whole minutes since we got off the phone. Anticipation is killing me. The autumn air is cool, and I probably should have thrown on a jacket instead of standing out here in this tank top. But it is too late now; I am not going to miss seeing her sneak into my backyard. I want to see her face the moment she gets here, see if she's as excited as I am.
Three minutes and seventeen seconds later, I hear the crunch of leaves at the side of my house. I run out to meet her and scoop her up into a hug. "Hey gorgeous." She hugs me back, breathless.
"Did you run or something?" I ask, pushing wild strands of her hair behind her ear.
"Yeah, I felt weird being in people's back yards," she says. We're making pointless small talk now. I lead the way inside, hoping our nerves will settle soon. She takes off her backpack and hands it to me. It's incredibly lightweight, as if there is nothing inside. Normally I'd ask if she wants a drink or something, but now doesn't seem like the time. We have business to take care of. Or – love to make – whatever.
In my room, I close and lock the door. No one's due home for hours but I can't be too careful tonight. She walks over and sits at my computer desk, not on my bed next to me.
"So," she says, playing with the hem of her sundress.
"How was your day?"
"Good." She rolls her bottom lip under her teeth, then slowly back out again. I sit at the foot of my bed, facing her. Just before the silence gets too awkward, I say, "We don't have to do this if you don't want to." I hope to God that she doesn't actually believe that. In a small voice, she says, "No I want to." And it's settled.
She pushes away from the desk and lets her chair roll over to me. She lifts her arms and slides them around my neck. I fall backwards, pulling her out of the chair and on top of me. We kiss, nervously at first, and then we sink into our regular pattern of making out. Only this time we're not on her futon.
I'm ready. She's ready.
Leaning off the bed, Elisa unzips her backpack and grabs a condom.
Later, we're lying on my bed, no longer virgins. Elisa insists on keeping the sheets pulled up higher than I'd like. She's out of breath even though I did most of the work. My head falls to the right and I stare at her. She looks over at me and sighs. She's breathing heavily. "I love you," I say.
"I love you too. That was fun," she says.
"You think so?"
"Yeah." I don't know if she's just saying that to make me happy since it only lasted a few minutes, but so what if she is. We have time to get better. I throw the covers off me, moving to get up and she startles and pulls the sheets up closer around her boobs. "Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm going to the bathroom to take off this sticky gross thing." I point to my crotch under the covers. She nods, holding back a giggle. I take my naked ass to the bathroom and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is a mess, and yes – I do look like more of a man. Awesome.
I pull off the condom and briefly wonder what to do with it to insure that my parents won't ever see it. A drop of liquid falls on my foot. What the hell could that be, was I holding it upside down? The smell of latex makes me nauseous as I hold up the condom to examine it. And then I see something that makes me feel like I really am going to throw up. The condom is broken.
What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. Panic engulfs me as I hover over the sink staring at my reflection. I no longer look like a man. I'm an empty shell of what I thought was a man, but now I know I was grossly mistaken. Securing the condom in a ball of toilet paper, I shove it to the bottom of the trashcan. I never want to see it again.
My legs feel like jelly as I pace the small bathroom. What do I do? Do I tell her and freak her out too? Or do I pretend it never happened and wait to see if she gets – I couldn't even think the word. I don't need to have her freaking out if it's just a false alarm. Maybe there is nothing to worry about. I take a deep breath, tell myself to calm down. The rubber duck on the counter mocks me with his big, stupid grin.
Realizing I've been in here way too long, I gather myself and walk back to my room. She is almost asleep when I crawl into bed next to her.
"What took you so long?" she mumbles.
"Sorry," I say, kis
sing her forehead. Snuggling close to her, I wrap my arms around her waist and hope she can't feel the force of my heart beating against her back.
Despite what just happened, in this moment, I feel complete. I decide not to tell her.
Chapter 5
A couple weeks go by and Elisa never says anything out of the ordinary about her period or a lack thereof. And by the time a month has passed, I've forgotten all about the broken condom. I'm positive we're in the clear. On top of that, our relationship has never been better. Now that we've taken it to a new level, we're no longer just high school kids dating. We're in a real, passionate relationship now. No other girls catch my eye anymore; there is no one I'd rather be with than Elisa.
It's Friday night, and the game is cancelled, so I'm taking her to dinner. When I get to Elisa's house, her mom greets me at the front door. Mrs. Hardy and I sit on the couch while my girlfriend finishes getting ready, despite the fact that I begged her to be ready when I got there hoping to avoid this very thing. While we wait, her mom asks me about school, my grades and basketball. And then she throws a fastball question at me and I realize she wasn't interested in any of the previous things, she was just baiting me for this whopper. "Are you and my daughter getting serious?"
"Um…" I start, pausing to figure out what the hell I'm going to say. I'm not an idiot; I want to tell her what she wants to hear. If I say no, I'll look like a jerk; but if I say yes, then she may freak out and tell me to stay away from her baby girl. Or she could go the total opposite direction and expect me to propose after graduation or something. I'm not ready for that. "I like her a lot," I say, deciding on a nice, neutral answer. Her eyebrows raise, she nods once. "That's nice."
Elisa emerges from her room, beautiful as always, and I practically leap off the couch in an effort to get away from her creepy mom. Elisa looks exactly like she did after school, so I don't know what took her thirty minutes to do while locked up in her room.
Although I want to slide my arms around her waist and kiss her, I just smile and say hello. Any sort of affection in front of her mom is awkward. Mrs. Hardy walks us to the door and then asks when she can expect Elisa to be home. It's a stupid question because the three of us all know that her curfew is at nine, but I feel like she asks it just to remind me that she's the boss. And because I love Elisa, I don't point how annoying it is to be asked this question every Friday night.
"I'll have her home by curfew."
Elisa hates it when I subject her to "sexist traditions" by opening the truck door for her, but I do anyway because I can see her mom still watching us from the front door. Before Elisa climbs in, her mom calls out, "Elisa, why don't you show Jeremy your pretty new ring?"
"New ring?" I ask, backing out of the driveway.
"Yeah – oh god babe," she throws her left hand in front of my face and wiggles her fingers. "I think my mom's on to us." It's a silver band around her ring finger. I read the words engraved on it, "True…Love?"
"True love waits," she says, spinning it around so I can see the entire message.
"What the fuck does that mean?"
She shrugs. "It's stupid. She came home from her Bible study last night claiming to have presents for me and Mackenzie." She looks at the ring again and crinkles her nose. "She said they're supposed to symbolize that we won't have sex until we're married."
A short, snort-like laugh escapes me. "So now you've made a vow not to have sex?"
"Fuck that." She takes off the ring and tosses it into her purse. "I didn't decide anything, Mom decided it for me. And she can go to hell because I'll have sex with whoever I want."
"Who-ever?" I say with sarcasm. She stops staring out the window and looks at me. Laughing, she says, "Well, no. Just you."
I drive with a satisfied smile on my face. It's cool to be someone's lover.
"Hopefully I start soon, or wearing that stupid ring around my mom will be really pointless," she says, laughing. We're driving sixty miles an hour, but the world seems to stop.
"What do you mean, ‘start'?"
She shifts in her seat. "You know – start."
My eyebrows rise. She continues, "I'm not going to say it in front of you, it's awkward."
"Period?"
She nods, blushing. I come to a stop at an intersection. No cars are coming in either direction, but I can't focus enough to drive. "You're late?"
"Go," she says, motioning to the road. I speed up. "Are you late?" I ask again, louder and more panicked this time. She gives me this confused look. "I don't know. I thought I should have started a couple weeks ago, but I don't really keep track of it the way I should."
The steering wheel feels like it may crush under the weight of my grip. "Oh my god," I say to myself, but loud enough for her to hear. "Calm down," she says, leaning across the middle seat and resting her head on my shoulder. "We used protection, so it's no big deal."
I swallow. We're almost at the restaurant. The weight of my secret is keeping my mouth shut, but I desperately want to tell her and get it off my chest. But since it could still be a false alarm, I don't want to ruin her night too. "You aren't worried?" I ask, pulling into a parking spot and cutting the engine. "Nah," she says, pushing her hair behind her ears and smiling so genuine that for now that's all I need to hear.
We're at the best Mexican restaurant in town, but I am no longer hungry. The hostess leads us to our table and we pass a dozen smiling couples who are also on dates. They look happy, and it's probably because they don't have sex with faulty condoms. Cringing, I slide into the booth opposite Elisa.
She breaks a chip in half, dunks it in green sauce and eats it. "I love this place," she says, dunking the other half into red sauce this time.
"Yeah." I open my menu. Nothing looks good, not even my usual choice of tacos al carbon.
"Jeremy." Elisa's stern voice pulls my attention away from the menu. I realize she's been talking this whole time and I didn't hear a word of it. "Why are you acting weird?"
"Weird?" I ask.
"We've been here five minutes, usually you would have already eaten the whole basket of chips by now." I start to object, but realize she's right. "Sorry, I'm just worried about you."
"Why?" she groans. "We used protection, so nothing can happen."
"I don't know," I say, feeling the secret start to drip out of me. The chip in her hand hovers over the green sauce. Our eyes meet, and for the first time since she brought up this topic, she looks worried.
"Jeremy, what don't you know?" Stalling for time, I unravel my silverware and place my napkin neatly in my lap. "Lis, there's something I need to tell you." Her chip falls to the table. I've gotten myself in too deep to back out now, so I continue. "The first time we did it, when I went to take off the condom- well, it kind of looked like it might have been broken. But –"
"No," she says, in a near whisper. Her eyes are on the table now, lost in thought.
"But- maybe it didn't break, I don't know. It was dark." Ugh, now I am lying, but it feels better to soften the blow. Grabbing her hand from across the table, I rub my thumb across her palm and wish I had something comforting to tell her. The waitress takes our orders, and we wait in silence until the food comes.
"I'm not really hungry," I say. Finally, she looks up at me. A fury in her eyes makes me want to run. But instead of lashing out at me, she breaks into a smile.
"I'm starving actually," she says. "Despite this horrible and scary news, I'm still hungry." We laugh, and it's nervous and a bit forced, but still a laugh. We eat. We small talk. I drive her home. We kiss goodnight.
In her driveway, we sit in my truck long after I've taken the keys out of the ignition. "Should I wait longer, or go buy a test?" Her eyes search into mine for answers, because a small part of her must hope that I will admit that the condom was not broken and that all of this is a mistake, or a funny, horribly rude joke. But I can't lie any longer, so I tell her the truth. "You should get a test."
Her face crinkles up as she stares down at
her hands. "Okay…" she says. "I don't have any money though, do you?"
I give her all the cash in my wallet, hoping that it ends up being a purchase I can laugh about later. Yep, the pregnancy scare of junior year. One big, funny joke we can look back on with a smile and say, "We were such an idiots back then."
Elisa's ring tone plays on my cell phone the next morning, waking me up from a nightmare-filled sleep. I grab it off the nightstand and answer it mid-stretch. My voice is hoarse. "Hello?"
"Jermmee?" Oh God, she's crying. I sit up and rub my eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Can you come get me?" She sniffles. "I'm at Taco Bell."
"Taco Bell?" My mind is racing for an answer to this nonsense. I jump out of bed and throw on clothes. "Sure, I'll be there in a minute."
"Tha-anks," she whimpers.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This can't be good. I ignore every speed limit on the way to Taco Bell. It's only ten forty-five in the morning but there are a ton of cars in the parking lot when I arrive. I burst threw the doors and scan the dining area but there's no sign of Elisa.
"Jeremy, over here." It's Claire. She's leaned against the wall next to the bathrooms, still in pajama pants. "Where is she?" I ask. Claire points to the women's restroom. "She refuses to come out until you get here."
Heart racing, I put my ear up to the door and knock. "Elisa?" It opens, just wide enough for her head to poke through. Her hair is a tangled mess pulled back with a headband and her eyes are red like a stoner.
The bathroom is just one room so I push open the door and step inside, locking it behind us. When I turn around, I see my girlfriend standing next to three Taco Bell cups resting on the sink ledge. They each have pregnancy tests in them. I don't need to look inside the cups to know my fate.
"You're pregnant."
She nods quickly and starts to cry. Covering her face with her hands, she backs into the wall and leans against it for support. I rush over to her, too worried about her crying to realize the severity of the situation we're in. Right now, all I want to do is take away her pain, take away her tears. Take away the last two months of our lives.