by Elena Monroe
It had been awhile since I had purposely made sex last this long, since Layla, since college. The rare times I gave in to Jade, I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. My stamina was shit now.
I pulled out, falling onto the bed and guiding her to my lap out of exhaustion. I didn’t have to say a word when she climbed on top of me, and I held my tip to her clit before she sat down on me. We both sucked in a jagged breath before exhaling a moan. Neither of us would last much longer.
“Fuck, Layla.”
She looked different on top of me, post college and after a five-year split. Physically, she looked pretty much the same, but there was a glow she didn’t have before—a need for comfort that I wanted to rip out of my chest and give her and a confidence that a woman could only obtain through loving herself.
Layla hadn’t found anything from Hunter; she just found out how to love herself through the loneliness we endured without each other.
Her legs shook against mine, and my hands on her hips took full control of her movements. I pushed and pulled her on top of me as I felt myself get even harder more hard—the warning sign to coming.
“Oliver, I’m…”
She didn’t finish the sentence. Her eyes closed, and the way she bit her lip through an orgasm told me enough. She was coming on top of me, and I wasn’t far behind, just before I switched our positions one last time. I didn’t pull out as I rolled her onto her back; I carefully kept myself intertwined with her during the shuffle, before I resumed pushing myself deeper inside her.
“Baby, I’m gonna come.”
Her arms wrapped around me. “So come.”
There was no debate, warning, or even letting me pull away when the orgasm wrecked its way through me and my body became stiff between her legs. I groaned against her chest and felt the release we both needed—one that cleared the air and let us fuck away the bad feelings.
I didn’t move off of her, even after I came. It felt premature after just coming inside her and neither of us acknowledging it. Instead, I sat back on my knees. “You’re fucking beautiful. You know that?”
She smiled, and the glow I noticed earlier only grew, blinding me.
“I’m the same, silly.”
“No, you aren’t. You didn’t love yourself before. You were scared of walking the line between innocent and sinner. I look at you now, and you look comfortable, confident, in a way I never saw before.”
“I guess so. I never really thought about it. I had years to think by myself, and when you’re all you have, you have to love yourself first.”
I didn’t smirk this time. It was a real bona fide smile. I couldn’t label it with anything that made sense. That was all I ever wanted for Layla: her comfort in being herself. No one deserved to feel like a stranger in their own skin or hate themselves for one mistake. I never meant for those wants to become falling in love with her, but I did. And now I could say I loved all the shades of Layla.
L eaving Arson and Layla to go to some cave of testosterone was the last thing I wanted to do.
Caden was blowing up my phone with text messages; his excitement was clear, even though we were left in the dark about what the night would hold.
Caden: I’ll be over in ten, so kiss your girl goodbye. I’m bringing pre-game fun!
Caden was close to Leon. He had been Caden’s college mentor and the frat president that handed the baton to him when he graduated. Caden was even his best man in the wedding. I wasn’t as sold on Leon as everyone else. I knew a different version of Leon that people didn’t entirely see. In college, Leon had every bad trait you could give a frat boy with money and power. He made me his sole focus in college, because I refused to acknowledge the gold-plated bullshit he made the world see. I knew he was cheap and eventually was going to turn everyone’s skin green. I never got any real evidence in college. I was too busy being high at the time, and then he graduated.
I never expected to see him again.
Apparently Liz and Leon connected again in Boston, when the financial firm he worked for was hosting a charity event, and Liz was the head of the organizing committee for that same event. It sounded like it was out of a damn movie, but Leon had wanted Liz since I had her in college.
Tonight was going to define if I was behind their marriage. Not that I could do anything now, but it would certainly change how much I needed to protect Liz and be there for her.
I kissed Arson first, kneeling down to his level, while I explained all over again that I would be back tomorrow morning. It was their wedding day after all; it wasn’t optional. He hugged me tightly, but I knew he was okay with it since his honorary aunts would be there: Hayley and Liz. He walked by me and took Layla’s hand, dragging her to the couch and his car toys.
He was going to be trouble later in life. He was going to fall in love with every girl who seemed interested. He was going to love in a way I never did, until Layla.
Mommy Issues.
I walked behind the couch, wrapping my arms around Layla from behind, and I whispered in her ear, “Please, please… don’t make me go.”
She laughed that genuine laugh I loved to hear. “Oh, yes, I feel so bad that you have to suffer through looking at pretty girls all night in New York.”
I coaxed her head backwards so I could plant a kiss on her lips before I headed out, without anything but myself and my phone.
***
New York was crowded, loud, bright… pretty much summarizing my disdain for the city. I preferred Boston’s low-key nature of being overlooked compared to NYC or LA.
We stepped off the plane into the cold air that seemed more severe here. There was snow covered in dirt, hugging the curbs. There was a lot of that there; no one cared how polluted it was if they could keep fighting for their dreams in the city where opportunity was on every corner.
Caden bumped into me, handing me a small nip of scotch, like he was reading my mind. It was stiflingly sober to be in this crowd. Thankfully, I knew Aspen and Caden, but that wasn’t enough to overlook chanting and college stories about getting laid or obliterated. I took the nip, twisting the cap off in one motion, as I tried to tell myself to keep it under control tonight. I was sober from substances, but too much alcohol was a gateway for more.
The first stop was the hotel, which I didn’t really understand why we had, when I was pretty sure the goons in front of me didn’t plan on sleeping.
The second stop was a steakhouse that looked like a cigar club. It was an ambiance I liked: dim, worn-in leather in every corner, and a kind of quiet in the air that felt like home. We settled into a long table in the back, and the young woman walking us back had no idea how hard the group was undressing her with their minds. They couldn’t have dinner without already making every female we walked by as a part of the traditional bachelor festivities. They had no boundaries. They weren’t waiting for a strip bar to start throwing their weight, looks, and wealth.
I hung back, fishing out a crisp one hundred dollar bill when I held out my hand, stopping her. In a low tone, I told her, “Sorry for them. It probably won’t get better, so I hope this helps. Scotch, neat, for me, and keep them coming.”
This was exactly how tonight was going to go: I was going to switch roles with Caden, taking his protective role and giving him my rebellious one.
Aspen fit right in with the New England wealth at this table. It was frightening to watch him connect with them with so much ease. It wasn’t so easy for Caden or me; we were their pity cases, here to make them feel even more invincible in comparison.
The next stop was the strip club, where the guys were already four rounds of drinks deep. Walking into the dark smoky club felt like the most dangerous thing I had done sober. I was preparing myself mentally for the kind of recklessness I chased as my only kind of high I could have, except this felt uncomfortable instead of relieving.
We were brought to a private room, where security lifted a veil, letting us through, after taking Leon’s credit card to create a tab. We
weren’t just in front of a stage handing out singles, we were in a private room, where expectations and singles were all a lot higher.
I settled for the end of the booth, ordering another drink from the girl wearing an outfit leaving nothing to the imagination. I saw outlines and glimpses of her areas of her body I wouldn’t expect to see unless I took her to bed. I wasn’t opposed to watching women dance naked, but I was opposed to paying for pleasure. If you had to pay for it, something was going wrong for you—wife, husband, kids, job—something was amiss and left you wanting control. This was how people got it. I sat back, taking the drink in my grip and watching these guys who had all the control and power they could want, but here we were.
The girl dancing didn’t look weathered or damaged the way I expected. The girl dancing looked fresh faced and toned, like her body was a weapon she was using to defend herself against whatever this job scarred her with. She danced to hit songs around the pole in the center of the room, and the guys tossed down twenties instead of singles. I didn’t throw anything and didn’t plan to.
Leon’s friend sat up and tapped a small glass vile I knew all too well. Every muscle in my body tensed up, and I froze, seeing the white clumpy powder fall onto the glass table in one lump. Leon pulled out another credit card and sat forward chopping up the clumpy lump into a finer powder. I looked for Caden’s eyes, as I unstuck my orbs from the powder to convey some panic I was feeling.
I hadn’t been in a room with substances since I got sober.
This wasn’t somewhere I wanted to be willingly. A lack of self-control around this kind of powder was exactly what started the toxic relationship I had with drugs. And now sober, all I heard was their lusty allure, begging me to take them back.
Caden’s eyes drilled into me. “You cool?”
The shock of seeing Leon seeming so comfortable wasn’t even something I was taking in how I should have. I was all-consumed with not giving in and shoving my nose against the table.
Caden repeated his question, trying to get my attention, even though I was looking right at him. It got Leon’s attention, and he laughed and told the group, “This is his favorite bad habit, right?” Then, he answered for me. “He’s cool.”
The air felt sour in my mouth and stale as it made its way to my lungs. The cruelty that I always had in my back pocket was burning a hole in the denim.
“Used to be my bad habit. Five years sober. Always into my sloppy seconds huh, Leon?”
Leon stood up instantly, and I matched his height. He wanted to intimidate me, but with what ammo? I had fucked his future wife and already conquered the substance in lines on the table.
“You’re lucky I’m getting married tomorrow and neither of us can sport a black eye.”
“But coming down from blow is okay?”
Leon pushed past his friend’s legs, making his way to being in front of my face. “We have fun when we go out; we don’t get sloppy. You’re partying with men now.”
A laugh got caught in my throat, when Caden looked at me with cold eyes, begging me to stop whatever I was about to do next. I didn’t even know what I was about to do next, but Caden was always one step ahead of everyone. He knew I wasn’t backing down, so he jumped in, “Leon, hey, you’re getting married tomorrow. It’s not worth it.”
I sat down, smug as fuck, knowing he wasn’t going to throw a punch and nothing he said was going to bother me.
Leon spat out one last jab, still riled up and needing an outlet for it all. “I can’t wait until Liz marries me and cuts you off.”
His words made my smug smile melt into rage with every threat between his words.
He was planning on making this a condition of their marriage? Me not being in Liz’s life? Was I that threatening? He had gotten her pregnant and no part of me gave anyone any doubt that I was Layla’s.
I was shaking with anger, he wasn’t threatening me, but the Sinners, my family. “You think she’s going to listen to you? And what about Caden, Aspen, Hayley…? They have to go too?”
Leon kneeled down, sniffing up a thick line of coke from the table before he roared, like it was electricity charging him up. He was being worshipped by a parade of women for his money, drunk and now high. He was one foot over the line of insanity, juggling all three at once. I only ever did that at my lowest point when my toxic relationship turned controlling and dangerous.
He got in my face again. “No one has to go, but you. We don’t need someone like you in our lives. Go back to Amherst, living your life and ignoring people exist.”
Why I was here was crystal clear now. I was the dog they could beat down when they needed to grow a few more inches. Caden and Aspen blended in as his friends. I couldn’t be mad; what he said was true. I was two hours away dialing it in, instead of being the Sinner I am.
“I’m here. I’ve fucked your wife, and I’ve snorted blow better than you. Get over it.”
I swore I could taste the blow hit the back of my throat, and I started salivating.
Leon grabbed my hoodie in his hands with ease, and I was so loose I felt like a rag doll he was about to throw around. “You’ve always been the asshole in the room, Ollie. Know it all, done it all, bored, doesn’t play well with others… Least your little posse made something of themselves. Aren’t you unemployed for fucking a student?”
His comebacks got better with the blow setting in and numbing his emotional responses. Now everything he said was purely factual, except the student part.
I pushed him off of me with enough force that he let go of my hoodie, and I shot back my scotch before walking out through the heavy velvet curtains. I was done hearing the truth about what kind of person five years and a kid made me. I was a part-time Sinner and full-time asshole, even if I hadn’t fucked a student. I might as well have.
I pushed the door open with so much force against the cold wind that the bouncer looked at me in a silent calm down. I stood on the street and pushed my arms into my thick double-breasted button-up coat. I pulled my beanie down over my ears, trying to think of my next move.
Aspen shouted my name, and all I wanted to do was ignore him. That was hard to do when I felt his hand land on my shoulder. “Hey, man, Leon is a fucking dick. Ignore him. I’d punch him, but you know Liz would castrate us if we ruined her big day.”
Caden was a few steps behind Aspen, and he laughed, knowing how true that was. Liz was scarier than her soon-to-be husband.
“You guys don’t have to leave. I know I’ve been a shitty Sinner. It’s his bachelor party.”
Caden took out a stick of gum, chomping on it aggressively, “You have been a shitty Sinner, but you’re still my best friend and my family. Thick and thin, brother.”
Aspen echoed his thoughts to add, “Leon isn’t a Sinner.”
We may not be actively sinning, making dangerous decisions, or using pointedly cruel words, but we were bound by our sins. We held onto each other’s pasts, helping carry them. Now that we were adults, we stumbled our way back to each other, under the condition we held our present and futures too.
Family was forever.
“I don’t think we can leave. Dude is doing blow. Is he addicted, or is this some kind of frat boy party favor?”
Neither of them knew by the looks on their faces. For Liz’s sake, I was hoping this was a night filled with one offs. He had a kid coming, and I knew from experience you couldn’t be a dad and an addict.
Caden choose to answer, knowing him best. “He likes to get wild when he goes out, but I’ve never seen him do blow any other time.”
“Does Liz know?”
They both looked uncomfortable and unprepared to talk about this, like they were hoping I’d overlook it.
Aspen spoke, “Do you really think she’d date another addict willingly?”
Liz was dating a version of me without realizing it. Everything in me wanted to protect her, to tell her everything, and hope she called off the wedding last minute. This was Liz we were talking about; she did eve
rything the right way, or at least the way that society accepted most. That’s why she rushed the wedding, so no one would know she was pregnant. I wasn’t sure her parents even knew, and I was shocked she included her sister in the announcement. Liz wasn’t going to be a single mother if she didn’t have to. She’d ignore his problem with partying if it meant they looked like the perfect family on the outside. I spotted a food truck further down the road and bee-lined it, since there was nothing else to do, but wait for the bachelor party to be done. He was our ride back home after all.
W aking up in a hotel room on a couch wasn’t as comfortable as it used to be when I was in college. Now when I sat up, I felt an ache in the middle of my back I never had until now.
I thought I was the first up, until all of my senses kicked in and I heard the TV on cartoons and saw Caden sitting on the ottoman at the foot of one of the beds, eating cereal.
“What the fuck are you doing? What time is it?”
“Watching cartoons and eating breakfast. It’s 7:30, I’m normally at the gym right now; it’s hard to shake.”
I rubbed my eyes, trying to wake myself up from the drowsy feeling cascading over me. I felt like a thousand pounds sinking into the couch on only three hours of sleep, and now we had to get back to Boston for the wedding that started at 5 PM.
Having a bachelor party before your wedding day seemed like a great way to dull the senses and kill any nerves. Now they made more sense to me; they were designed to trigger flight or fight senses. Fight was making it down the aisle, and flight was cold feet, keeping you frozen from completing the question you popped.
“Our flight isn’t until 10. You’ve got time.”
I stared at him, oddly wondering if I had something I said I needed to do. Nothing came to mind, and I was shuffling through the last 24 hours with a fine-tooth comb, when he finally got up and suggested breakfast.