Mom dressed me for the occasion in a loose-fitting summer dress that made me feel like a giant raspberry. She also helped dress Theo, who’s made a habit of bringing at least three different outfit options whenever he visits my house. There’s even an emergency plain white T-shirt in the trunk of his car for when Mom rejects his more “eccentric” clothing choices altogether. But in exchange for the fashion advice, Theo’s been teaching Mom how to cook … or at least trying to. Miraculously, he was able to convince her to start using olive oil by claiming it reduces wrinkles. I imagine this is what eventually won Dad over, since our home-cooked meals have been improving exponentially over the past six months. Also, we’ve had fewer visits from the fire department, which is always a pleasant plus.
Speaking of pleasant plusses: I HAVE A JOB!!! An honest-to-goodness, office-visiting, paid-with-money job! I have assignments and a set schedule and a desk with a little succulent in the corner … though Mom is concerned I don’t get enough steps per day. She keeps sending me links to buy one of those treadmill desks, and I recently found a mysterious Fitbit in the pocket of my favorite work pants. Suspecting foul play, I secretly attached it to the inside of Muffin’s collar as an experiment.
“You look good, sweetie,” Mom said casually yesterday. “You look like you’ve been very active … Tell me, have you been walking a lot at work?”
Fitbit suspicions confirmed.
Regardless, I’m really enjoying my job, even if I am just editing other people’s pieces. I basically look out for typos and insert witty quips whenever possible. Would I call it my life’s passion? No, probably not. I can’t say I’m changing the world one punny blog editorial at a time. But it’s a definite start! And I do get the inside scoop on the city’s best gallery openings … And if I’m promoted, I’ll be writing my own segments, which means I’ll basically be getting paid to review different restaurants and plays and concerts.
… huh. Maybe this will be my life’s passion.
All right, I have to go finish packing. Tomorrow’s the big move, and I still have to pack my toiletries. Here we go! In T-minus fourteen hours, I take my first step into the world as a financially and emotionally independent woman. Let real-life adulthood begin!
* * *
MOVE OUT/NEW APARTMENT GOALS
Short Term
• Establish new apartment rules/expectations with parents/Theo.
• Make bed in the morning before work.
• Email Tyler Jacoby about new veggie pasta brand.
• Work out 3-4 times a week.
• Limit visit to office snack room to twice a day.
Medium Term
• Get promoted to editorial writer.
• Learn how to cook three impressive meals (for apartment parties, pot lucks, etc.).
• Lose 5–7 pounds.
• Teach Mom how to turn on the television (so she won’t constantly call me about it).
Long Term
• Forbes 30 Under 30 article (still have time!).
• Run a half marathon.
• Buy a house, have some kids.
• Rise to the top of my career path (be it at Culturvate or elsewhere).
• …????
MAY 30
Mama Shell
Acknowledgments
To my family—Mom, Dad, and Odessa—for your unwavering support, your limitless love, and for absolutely refusing to be normal. You are everything (except, as I mentioned, normal).
Erin Malone, my gratitude is boundless. Thank you for pointing me down this yellow brick road, and for seeing something in me that I didn’t even see in myself. Your mentorship has changed my life, and for that I am forever indebted.
To Jaime Coyne, for your invaluable guidance throughout what has undoubtedly been the most challenging and exhilarating year of my life. Thank you for being my lighthouse—you’ve kept this rookie captain afloat.
To Evelyn O’Neil, for opening each and every door until I found myself in the room where it happens. Thank you for your ferocity, for getting behind this project, and for loving Mama Shell as much as I do.
Dor Gvirtsman—if I’ve managed to stay this course, it’s been because you’ve held me steady. Thank you for your patience, your laughter, your miraculous belief in me, and your love. Also, your kimchi tacos.
To everyone at St. Martin’s Press and Wednesday Books for literally making my dreams come true. Thank you for taking a chance on a baby postgrad writer, and for subsequently keeping me from turning into Lou. Thank you, Kathryn Parise and Patrice Sheridan, for taking my vision and making it better, and to Jonathan Bush, for your pitch-perfect cover art.
To Karen Ray—who has read every word of every chapter—for your inspiration and overwhelming encouragement. To Neil Meyer, for your time and tremendous thoughtfulness; to Maria and Keven, whose generosity never ceases to amaze me; and to Liz York, for insisting that I put fingers to keys and write. And of course, to Eduardo, for being an actual super human.
In the most loving memory of my Pop Steve Epstein, for starting the madness, and John Cygan, who always made us laugh.
Praise for Smothered
“In this whimsical confection from up-and-comer Autumn Chiklis, a boomerang kid who just graduated from Columbia makes the perilous decision to move back in with her loving pa and indefatigable ma. I wasn’t sure which was more fun—the endlessly chipper directives from Mama Shell to daughter Lou on how to eat/sleep/exercise/live her best life, or figuring out which anecdote actually happened in Chiklis’s real-life household—the one she shares with Vic Mackey, er, the Emmy-winning Michael Chiklis, and her fabulously chic mom, Michelle.”
—Lynette Rice, editor at large for Entertainment Weekly
“Autumn Chiklis is a bright new voice in fiction, a hilarious and astute observer of all things fun and female. There isn’t a mother or daughter on earth who won’t fall in love with Autumn Chiklis and Smothered.”
—Randi Mayem Singer, screenwriter of Mrs. Doubtfire
“Autumn Chiklis brilliantly captures the absurdity of truth in her first novel, Smothered. Treat yourself to a book that will have you crying with laughter as Autumn highlights the hilarious relationship between mother and daughter in a uniquely twenty-first-century way.”
—Michelle MacLaren, director of Modern Family and The Nightingale and executive producer of Breaking Bad
“Hilarious [and] adorable, readers will be smiling from beginning to end. Mama Shell is a character who will stay with me for a long time! Author Autumn Chiklis uses an engaging combination of journal entries, Facebook and text-message exchanges, and shopping receipts to create a fun and well-paced novel that will keep readers smiling from start to finish.”
—Susan Mullen, coauthor of We Are Still Tornadoes
About the Author
AUTUMN CHIKLIS is a recent graduate of the University of Southern California, where she studied theater and screenwriting. She’s an actor, stand-up comedian, and contributor to The Huffington Post. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Month One: The Real World
Month Two: June Gloom
Month Three: Codependence Day
Month Four: Endless Summer
Month Five: Back-to-School Shopping
Month Six: Falling Back
Epilogue: Month Twelve: Commencement
Acknowledgments
Praise for Smothered
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
SMOTHERED. Copyright © 2018 by Autumn Chiklis. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.wednesdaybooks.com
www.stmartins.com
Cover design and illustration by Jonathan Bush
Vector illustrations courtesy of Shutterstock.com/eveleen; chawaliit si waborwornwattana; aratehortua; Nikolaeva; Denis Gorelkin; snegok13
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Names: Chiklis, Autumn, 1993– author.
Title: Smothered / Autumn Chiklis.
Description: First edition. | New York: Wednesday Books, 2018.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018001591 | ISBN 978-1-250-30678-4 (trade paperback) | ISBN 978-1-250-30775-0 (hardcover) | ISBN 978-1-250-15050-9 (ebook)
Subjects: | CYAC: Mothers and daughters—Fiction. | Family life—California—Fiction. | Jews—Fiction. | California—Fiction. | Humorous stories.
Classification: LCC PZ7.1.C498 Sm 2018 | DDC [Fic]—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018001591
eISBN 9781250150509
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at [email protected].
First Edition: August 2018
*Will NEVER name child after designer, car brand, or place of conception. Cruel and unusual for poor, innocent child.
*The bar created the Shell-tini for Mom’s fortieth birthday, in honor of her signature order. Naturally, it’s become their top seller and frequently appears on their Instagram page. Ingredients include: cucumber for hydration; ginger and lime juice for digestion; dry vermouth, gin, agave, and basil to “combat stress.”
*Note: Recently discovered that Mom (being the stay-at-home parent) was once in charge of managing our finances. However, after a few years of hiding her shopping expenses, she was fired as the family accountant. Thankfully Dad found Alberto, who deserves a much better title than business manager. He’s more like business manager/accountant/generalized life coach/saint. Changing contact in phone to “head executive of life predicaments,” or HELP.
*The Los Angeles Times once wrote a piece on Dad called “The Baron of the Boulevard,” hailing him as the best real estate agent in the San Fernando Valley. To my horror, they featured a picture of his family, in which I had braces and was partially blinking. Most of his properties are residential, but more and more he’s been working with office buildings, restaurants, and, to my mom’s delight, shopping centers.
*I’ve learned to never ask Dad about these kinds of offhanded comments. In most cases, I imagine I’d rather not know.
*Been thinking of new ways to describe the Red Hot Ladies to my friends. Came up with Sex and the City meets The Golden Girls, with some Mean Girls undertones. Spot-on.
**If I EVER used the term middle-aged to my mother, I expect she’d write me out of the will.
*In the unlikely event that Megan Mitchell somehow mysteriously dies in a freak accident and I become a prime suspect, I would like to take this opportunity to clarify to the police that this is entirely hyperbolized and that I’m much too anxious to commit premeditated murder. Please do not use this in court.
*We discussed the option of moving in together, but ultimately vetoed the idea. I want at least one year of emotional/financial independence before I can commit to a shared rent. I wouldn’t ask my parents to supplement that money, and I refuse to have Theo as my sugar daddy.
*At age ten, I told my parents I wanted to be a Western philosopher, which Mom interpreted as “homeless bum” and rushed me to a therapist.
*Val has over 10,000 Instagram followers because she’s a genius with photo-editing apps and has mastered the art of “flow,” which apparently just means that all of your pictures look exactly the same. This talent might just land her in USC’s communications program to study public relations. She’s seventeen, and she’s already on a more stable career path than me.
*When I told Mom I had no interest in sorority life, she locked herself in her room for three days. It wasn’t until Megan became social chair of Kappa that I felt compelled to rush, if only for my mother’s sanity and favoritism. Thankfully, Columbia Kappa is NOTHING like Vanderbilt Kappa … Instead of tailgating or going to frat parties, we mostly dressed up in frontier garb and chanted a lot in Latin. Mom does not know this, and she never will.
*If it provides any context, I fainted my first day of middle school while eating lunch in the bathroom, and had to be rescued by a group of hot firefighters whom Mom took a picture with at the hospital.
*Kill me.
*This is ridiculous, since if Theo were a serial killer, I imagine he would use puzzles as his primary form of torment, a la the Riddler. Oh my god, how am I indulging this??
**Just so long as in one of these lives, I have a successful career.
*I once did a similar thing with Dad’s boxers on my head.
*Mom thinks I’m sleeping over at Natasha’s place for a girls’ night, which is ridiculous, since Natasha will participate only in nongendered events.
**Big fan of the symmetry, as well as the bright color scheme and the small collection of vintage cameras.
*The Red Hat Society was a movement that emphasized “friendship and fun after fifty.” The Red Hots have a similar message: “friendship and fun; age not disclosed.”
**Susan has a hunch that she’s going to choose Brad.
*Other missed callings include actress, hand model, sorority house mom, dog walker, personal stylist, personal shopper, spiritual counselor, and a rosé-specific sommelier.
*This is easily the best show on television, according to Theo. It’s his secret dream to one day be a Chopped champion.
*I’d like to be this rich someday. Rich enough where I can give virtual strangers Apple Watches without thinking twice. I’d add this to my list of long-term goals, but I should probably focus on finding a paying job first.
*Unless, of course, you count people from high school, which I do not, because they’ve seen and know too much.
*How are there so many incarnations of this stupid show?? How many different ways can we watch these people make out and cry?!
*Susan was right about Brad.
*Theo finally started wearing the watch that Jett’s mom gave to him, just to keep up with the onslaught of work emails. He loves it, because it makes him feel like Captain Kirk.
*Or at the very least, not a total disaster.
*It was during Spin the Ecofriendly Bottle. Jason Marrs licked my face, and I went in the bathroom and cried.
**The campers are forced to leave their phones at the front desk upon arrival. Val once argued that she needed her phone for occupational purposes, which did not go over well with the counselors.
*Remember to ask Alyssa about this later.
*So far, the count is at two. A symptom of narcissistic personality disorder? My minor in psychology says yes.
*Three.
*Technically I’m not supposed to be having coffee, but I can take only so much abuse.
*Mom refuses to get in elevators due to her supposed claustrophobia, which I’m convinced is just a ploy to make us take the stairs.
*These findings were also inconclusive, but I did not mention this, since it was nice to have music other than Top 40 playing.
*Treadmill.
*Val’s friends call Mom Shelly Shakes because of one particularly horrifying incident during which Mom performed a hoedown on the punch table of their rodeo-themed middle school dance. The school calls it legendary. Val and I call it traumatizing.
*Some people lose their appetite when they’re miserable.
I like to think that these people are less suited for survival, and that my constant desire to snack is an indication that my instincts are strong.
*She forces him.
*I put this in quotes because quite frankly, running errands just feels too dreadfully dull for my mother. She doesn’t really “run errands” so much as “go on practical outings.”
*For the record: I don’t think I’ve ever been so smooth in my entire life. In fact, I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to be this smooth again.
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