by Amity Cross
“It’s okay to morn, Juniper.” He’d taken my silence as something else entirely.
“It didn’t have a heart, let alone a sex,” I said. “How am I meant to morn, when…” I let myself trail off, not wanting to voice the horrible things that were floating through my mind.
Sebastian didn’t say anything. His hand rested on my shoulder and his fingers caressed my skin—a gentle touch that was out of character for him.
“I don’t want children,” I blurted.
His sharp intake of air was hard to miss. I tensed, but the motion only caused a dull throb to pulse through my stomach. I winced and turned my gaze towards the window so I didn’t have to look at him.
“I don’t…” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “I don’t feel connected to it. The baby I lost.” A sob burst unbidden out of me and the tears began to fall. “I hate myself. I hate…”
Sebastian moved behind me and after a moment, he climbed into the bath. The water rose, sloshing onto the floor. Strong arms circled me, and I leaned back against his chest as his naked body embraced me gently from behind.
“Shh,” he murmured, his lips brushing against the shell of my ear. “It’ll be okay.”
“I can’t give you what you want,” I managed to get out between sobs. “I can’t…”
“Juniper, I want you. I love you. No baby is ever going to change that.”
“I’m a fucking monster. When… you told me, I… I didn’t feel anything. I—”
“You’re not a monster,” he soothed. “You’re human, just like the rest of us.”
“I didn’t even know.” I sniffed, glad he couldn’t see the shame etched on my features. “I’m supposed to want this, but I didn’t. I don’t.”
“I never wanted kids, either,” Sebastian admitted. “Not after the shitty childhood I had, thanks to my dad. Mum was great, but that’s beside the point. What kind of life could I give a kid, always away working? Money and fame aren’t everything. I learned that lesson the hard way.”
“But…”
“It wasn’t planned, but I would’ve risen up to the occasion,” he murmured. “I wouldn’t turn away from you. Never.”
“You were so upset when…” I swallowed hard. “I thought you’d hate me for not wanting to try again… for feeling indifferent about—”
“That woman took our baby’s life before it had a chance to make itself known. That’s what I’m upset about. Nothing else. She took a life from us.”
I clutched onto his arms, no longer soothed by the water. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Neither do I, but we’ll figure it out.”
I snorted. Figuring shit out seemed like a never-ending merry-go-round for us.
“Maybe one day you’ll want to try again,” he said. “Or maybe you never will. The only thing that’s certain, is that I’ll be with you every step of our fucked-up lives.”
I was torn in equal parts, in opposite directions. One to despair, the other to hope.
“What happened to the bad boy rock star?” I murmured. “What did you do with him?”
“He fell in love,” he whispered, “all the fucking way.”
The water sloshed again as he reached over the edge of the bath and grabbed his pants off the stool. Fumbling with the pocket, he took out a little black box that had my heart skipping a beat.
“What’s that?” I asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.
Sebastian held it in front of me, his other hand emerged from the water to open the top. The lid creaked, and I pushed away the urge to squeeze my eyes closed.
Inside sat a white gold engagement ring. It was simple—a small band set with a row of diamonds. There was no big rock, no fifty zillion carat whatever. There was just a simple ring that was exactly what I would’ve wanted him to slip onto my finger. It also had Vanessa’s input written all over it.
“It’s a ring,” he said, answering my question.
“Where did you get it?”
“At a jeweller,” he replied with a smirk. “Where else do you get them?”
“Smart-arse.”
“It’s the ring I’m asking you to marry me with,” he murmured, his breath hot against my ear.
“You’re asking me to marry you while we’re in the bath?”
“No, we won’t get married in the bath. Imagine the headlines…”
“Sebastian.”
He chuckled and edged to the side so he could see my expression. “Juniper Rowe… I know we’re only been together for seven months, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I can’t live without you. You calm my storm, you’re the light in the darkness, you’re the strength when I falter, you’re the heart that beats inside my chest, and you’re my fucking soul mate in every way. Will you marry me?”
“Yes.” My response was immediate.
“Fuck, yeah.”
He slid the ring onto my finger and tilted my chin upwards. He kissed me, his embrace deepening, and I forgot about all the shit we’d been through. His touch erased everything that’d ever hurt me. His love carried me over the tumultuous waters, and now he wanted to be mine in every way he could.
He was offering me more than his name and fortune. Sebastian Hale had just handed me his entire soul and declared nothing would ever tear us apart again.
9
Juniper
The next day, Vanessa couldn’t contain her excitement when I told her Sebastian and I were engaged.
“It’s about time something went smoothly, don’t you think?” she asked as we sat in the living room.
My back was to the kitchen, and I hadn’t had the courage to look at it yet. When Sebastian helped me down the stairs, I’d totally closed my eyes to avoid it.
He was currently in the music room working on a song he’d had going around in his head. Since he’d confided in me that he hadn’t felt inspired to write for the last few months, I told him to stop worrying about me and go chase the tail of inspiration.
I studied the white gold ring on my finger and twirled it around. I wasn’t used to wearing jewellery, so it felt alien on my finger, but there was no way in hell I was taking it off. Married to Sebastian Hale… I supposed that would make me Juniper Hale sometime in the future. The thought made me shiver and get a little juicy.
Ziggy was sitting on the couch beside me, his head resting on my knee. Vanessa had dressed him in his mini Beneath T-shirt, and he looked every bit the canine rock star he was. All that was missing was a pair of doggy sunglasses.
“Nice ring, huh?” Vanessa asked, wiggling her eyebrows up and down suggestively.
“How did he even know what I liked?” I asked. “How did you know?”
“Remember when I was obsessed with getting Hugo to propose?” she asked, a wicked grin plastered on her face.
“That was an inevitability despite all the hints you dropped.”
“Yeah, but you can’t trust a man like Hugo to buy a ring. We’re talking about the guy who gave me a gold necklace with a pizza charm for our five-year anniversary.”
I laughed, the movement jarring my stomach. I pressed my hand over the scar and winced. “Don’t make me laugh, Ness.”
“Sorry, but you know how often we talked about our dream rings.”
“I remember because you wanted me to drop the hint to Hugo.”
“And I never forgot the solid you did for me.” She held up her hand and winked.
“You always complain that the diamond is too small.”
“Yeah, but it comes from a place of loving piss-taking,” she said with a grin. “I love my ring because Hugo gave it to me, not because of how big the rock is.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Does he know that?”
“Pfft. Give me some credit.”
“Well, I forgot all about the ring I said I wanted.”
“I didn’t. Now that you’re going to have a husband who’s loaded, I expect a generous favour in return.”
“Be careful,” I scolded her. “Don�
��t go walking on thin ice, Ness.”
She pouted. “I’m keeping tabs.”
I chuckled and looked out across the garden to the ocean beyond. My gaze lingered a little too long on the shadows, but the sun was radiating brilliantly over everything so they were few and far between.
“Do you ever want to have kids with Hugo?” I asked.
Vanessa tilted her head to the side and shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind, but I could live without it if I had to.”
“I didn’t want any,” I murmured. “When Sebastian told me about the…” I shrugged. “I didn’t know, so when I was told it was gone, I didn’t feel anything.”
“Did you tell Sebastian this?”
I nodded.
“And how did he take it?”
“Quite well, considering. He did ask me to marry him right after.”
“That’s quite the proposal story.” Vanessa reclined on the couch and looked thoughtful for a long moment. “You’re human like the rest of us, Juni. Don’t beat yourself up about it too much. Maybe one day you’ll want to revisit the idea. We’re both still young and finding out what we want in life.” I noted she’d included herself in the statement, which didn’t bother me—it made us closer in a way.
“That’s what Sebastian said.”
“See? You’ve got yourself a keeper.”
“I still feel like a monster for not wanting any. I mean, I would’ve done everything in my power to take care of it, but I wasn’t ready, Ness. I know getting married this quick is crazy, but everything else? There’s things I’m not ready for yet, and I’m afraid of taking them on too soon.”
“There is no should, Juni. It might be going against the grain, but not everyone wants the white picket fence with the two kids and a dog. Some people just want the dog. Or just the cock.”
I set my hand on Ziggy’s head and scratched behind his ears. “Sometimes the dog is more trouble that he’s worth too, you know.”
She laughed and shook her head. “A bodysurfing Jack Russell? Only I’d get stuck with a dog crazier than me.”
“Are you sure the crazy isn’t contagious?”
“Are you saying I’m a bad influence?”
“Yes.”
She threw her hands into the air and scoffed, “No shame!”
“Hear that, Ziggy?”
“Hey, I figured out how to get the projector to work in the cinema room.”
“You did? I tried to figure out all the remotes, but I gave up.”
“I’ll show you which button does what before I go home. I can’t have you bored out of your mind while you recover.”
A sharp bolt of panic hit me in the heart. “You’re leaving?”
“I need to go back to the Point,” she said with a frown. “It’s the middle of summer and both shops are slammed. Poor Hugo is run off his feet.” Vanessa had married into the Point Mambie take-away shop empire, which meant she was the first lady of the pizzeria. Apparently, it came with a whole list of unofficial ceremonial duties, like manning the front counter when they were busy.
“I get it,” I said. “I had a business of my own, remember?”
Vanessa let out a sigh. “It seems so long ago.”
“So much has happened, huh?”
“I don’t want to leave you,” she declared. “You’re still healing, and now you’ve got a wedding to plan.” She glanced at Ziggy. “You haven’t even looked in the kitchen yet, have you?”
“Nope.” I popped the ‘p’ at the end and jutted out my chin in defiance.
“Juni…”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Then I’m leaving Ziggy with you.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“I said, I’m leaving Ziggy with you.”
“You’re leaving your dog with me?” I wanted to burst out into tears at the thought.
“Let’s face it. Ziggy is as much yours and he is mine. We can have joint custody. When you’re not off flying around the world in first-class, he can come back and live with me.” I suspected her ulterior motive was giving him the role of half guard and half therapy dog, but I loved that little guy to bits, so how could I complain?
“Ness… How will I get him back to the Point?”
“Fucked if I know. You’re the one with a cashed-up boyfriend who’d do anything to please you.” She winked. “He’ll figure it out and if he can’t, I’m sure he’ll hire someone to figure it out for him.”
“That’s probably a task for poor Harry.” I hadn’t seen him for a few days and I wondered what he was up to. “Sebastian hired him back as his assistant until we can get things going with the studio.”
“I heard,” Vanessa replied. “He’s a good guy.”
“The best,” I murmured, playing with my ring.
“Hey. Will you be okay?” she asked after a moment.
I nodded. “It’ll take time, but I’ll be fine.”
I liked to think I was strong but going through a near-death experience was enough to rattle anyone. The reminder was carved into my body, which didn’t make things any easier, but it was what it was. I was alive, Sebastian and I were in love and getting married, and apparently, I now had a part-time dog.
“Thank you, Ness,” I said. “For everything.”
“Of course,” she replied. “Now, what are you going to do about this wedding?”
I rolled my eyes, hardly able to hold onto the laughter that was threatening to overtake me. “You can help me pick a dress. Let’s face it, I know nothing about fashion.”
She fist-pumped the air in triumph. “Yes!”
“But Ziggy has to be the flower-dog.”
The house was quiet without Vanessa, and Sebastian was out, too.
He’d gone to see Grant Myers at Galaxy—things were still up in the air with the tour and their lack of a manager—and I was content to stay hidden behind the walls of the McMansion. It’d be a while before things died down with the press, and I wasn’t ready to face the inevitable questions about the attack.
At least I had Ziggy to keep me company while I sat vigil on the couch in the lounge room.
My journal lay on my lap, the same one Sebastian had given me back when I first went on tour with him. I supposed I was meant to be working through my feelings about the shooting, but instead, I was writing down ideas for the recording studio.
Outside, summer went on. The sky was an impossible shade of blue, the forty-degree heat radiated, and beyond the reaches of the garden, the harbour sparkled and boats dotted its ripping surface. Every now and then, a plane or a helicopter soared across the heavens, taking people all around the world. I thought about Paris, and wondered if Sebastian would take me there for our honeymoon.
“Miss Rowe?”
I looked up at Statfield, who had a worried expression on his face. Ziggy followed my movements, his ears pricking up.
“What is it?” I asked. “I don’t like the look on your face, just saying.”
“Miss Grigorio is here to see you.”
I stared at him in shock. “Come again?”
“Mallory Grigorio,” he glanced over his shoulder, “she wants to see you. She’s, uh, waiting outside the gates.” No doubt putting on a show for the paparazzi.
I rolled my eyes and snapped my journal shut. I didn’t know what made me say yes—maybe it was morbid curiosity—but I told Statfield to let her in.
A few minutes later, Mallory Grigorio glided into the McMansion like she was walking the catwalk in Milan. She was wearing a flowing floral dress, all cream with peach-coloured blooms, and her dark hair was tied up in an elaborate braid that circled her head like a crown. Gladiator-style sandals finished off the look, and I wondered how long she’d spent planning her outfit for this moment. Was it all for me or the cameras? Maybe a little of both considering I was wearing one of Sebastian’s torn Led Zeppelin T-shirts and a pair of loose-fitting shorts.
Ziggy gave Mallory one look and began to growl. That dog had one amazing built-in bullshit detector.<
br />
“Ziggy,” I scolded.
Immediately, he stopped and sat on the floor beside me, his eyes watching Mallory closely as she sat opposite. She set her handbag onto the coffee table and I noted it was a Birkin. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Sex and the City, I wouldn’t even know what one was, so her status symbol didn’t mean much to me.
Her gaze flickered to the walking stick propped against the couch. It wasn’t designer, but as long as it did the job, I was content.
“I’ll have trouble walking for a while yet,” I said. “It takes a long time to recover from a gunshot wound to the stomach.”
Mallory blinked and her cheeks flushed. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
I shrugged, and her gaze went to the shaved section on my head. I knew she was studying the scar that curved around my skull, and I narrowed my eyes.
“How are you feeling?” she asked after an awkward moment.
“Why are you here, Mallory?” I asked cutting to the chase. Obviously, I felt like shit warmed up, but I wasn’t telling her that.
“I came to apologise in person,” she replied. “I sent flowers, but I never heard back, and it seemed a little hollow to just send them and expect forgiveness. I wanted to see you and say how sorry I am for leaking that footage and for trying to break you and Sebastian up.”
I began to fiddle with the engagement ring on my finger, not knowing how to respond without using any swear words. I wanted to believe she was sincere, but Mallory had proven herself to be a master artisan when it came to manipulation.
“That night, when I went back to the hotel,” she went on, “I saw what was on that USB… and I couldn’t sleep. I know I’ve made a lot of bad choices and done just as many bad things to other people, but I want to turn it around. I don’t want to be known as the bitch of pop. I don’t want another feud splashed across the headlines.”
“Then what do you want?” I asked.
She shrugged and looked down at her hands. It was a submissive gesture and one I thought I’d never see from the likes of her.