by Adams, F. G.
“Savannah, not sure what happened in the past, can’t change it. But let me assure you of this...I’m not going anywhere. Ever. Again. Now that I’ve found Ella,” I pause to reign in my emotions, “I can never let her go. I’ll never give up on us.”
After my ranting, Savannah gazes at me suspiciously but relents. “I understand,” is all she says.
Satisfied she gets me, I ask, “Can you at least tell me she’s ok? Did she leave and go home?”
“Yep, sugar. Ella and the doc left right after your ‘lunch’,” she replies, using air quotes. Sighing, she looks at me one more time. “It won’t be easy for ya, Grayson. Nothing worth having ever is.” She walks away without a backward glance.
She’s right, and Ella is worth it!
Michael walks through the front door of our living quarters, slamming it closed as his temper flares from the earlier confrontation in the mess hall. I know he is hurting, but I’m not sure if I’m going to help make the situation better or not. There’s a war raging inside my body. My head is screaming Michael is my future, but my heart’s yelling louder that I have to give Grayson a second chance to explain his side of our story. I glance up and see Michael staring warily at me, and I know it’s time we talk. He’s calm for now.
“What was that all about earlier, babe?” Michael asks. “Why were you eating with the Captain, or better yet, why the hell did you let him touch you? You seemed awfully familiar around each other.” His eyes are desperately looking for answers from me.
I’m at a loss for words. As I search for the right things to say without hurting the man I’ve come to know and care deeply for, I realize this isn’t going to be easy, fair, or quick. What I have to say will change the outcome of my future, and I’m not sure I want to delve into the abyss just yet, but Michael deserves to know the truth.
I take a deep breath and begin.
“I knew Grayson when I was younger. We went to high school together. You could say we were best friends for most of the time until the end of his senior year...that’s when things changed.” I look directly into his saddened eyes and continue. “When he left for college, we made promises to each other, but only a few months later, he sent me a letter saying he had found someone else. I was left hurt and broken. Mom died, we moved, and things just spiraled from there…”
I’m back there once again as my tears begin falling and my shoulders shake from the wrenching sobs escaping me.
The next moment, Michael has crossed the room and his warm embrace begins comforting the woman in me. He knows there’s more, and he’s giving me the time I need before continuing. He deserves better. Oh yes, he deserves someone better than me. Someone who will never doubt her love. Never cause him pain. Even if things don’t work out for Grayson and I, I know that I can’t continue living with Michael. I try to shake the feelings of nostalgia from my mind. It’s time, and my heart is bleeding with anticipation of the pain I’m about to deliver.
“When I met you...you helped me find a tiny piece of myself that I thought I had lost forever.”
I close my eyes tight while my head shifts left to right, trying to escape his stare. “Michael, you made me believe in fairy tales again, and I really believed I could move on. I’m so, so sorry. I just can’t do it. I’ve been so selfish. You need someone to love you unconditionally, and after seeing Grayson again, I know I’m not that person…” My sobs begin again.
Michael releases his hold on me and begins pacing in front of the couch. His head is hanging from his shoulders, and I know I’ve wounded him. Why is life so complicated? We were happy until Grayson showed up. Am I making the wrong decision?
He locks his hands behind his head and looks down at me.
“I can’t let you go, Ella. You’re it for me. I can offer you time, if that’s what you need, but please...don’t ask me to let you go,” he pleads.
My thoughts are jumbled up, and I truly want to agree with him, but I can’t. It’s not right or fair to the wonderful man standing before me.
“I can’t…”
He interrupts me, kneeling in front of me. “I’ll give you space. Take all the time you need, and I’ll be waiting for you, Ella. No questions asked.”
Oh god! He’s breaking my heart and slowly disarming me from my resolve. Am I crazy? Should I walk away from the life we’ve built together? The life I’ve worked hard to establish?
My fingers absentmindedly find the charms hanging around my neck, and I begin caressing the objects. The reminder I need to finish what I’ve started. I’ve been given a gift, and turning my back on it would make me regret my actions for the rest of my life.
“You’re too good to me, Michael. You’ll always hold a part of my heart. But I’ve made up my mind and I’m not changing it. I know you deserve better than what I can give you, even if Grayson weren’t in the picture and...I’m not sure he is.”
“Ella, you sound so certain...this isn’t like you. Making rash decisions. Quickly changing the course of your life at the drop of a hat. Take your time, babe, think about how good we are together…”
“No.”
I won’t let him believe he can change my mind. He’s taught me to live life with no regrets, and if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. This much I know for certain.
“I can’t watch you be with someone else, Ella, it would rip me apart. I won’t be…”
“I’m going to be Ella. Me. Not Michael’s fiancée or Grayson’s anything.”
“Damn, you really aren’t going to change your mind, are you, babe?”
“No. It’s made up,” I calmly state again. This time with more force in my voice.
“I won’t be second to him, Ella, I can’t be.”
“I know. I’m not asking you to be. I’m just asking you to let me go…” I whisper as I slip his engagement ring off my finger and lay it in the palm of his hand. His fingers close around the ring, forming a fist as he lifts it to his lips. Anguish seethes through his movements as he stands and leaves the room. I hear him in the bedroom, opening and shutting dresser drawers. He’s packing.
Moments later, he’s back holding his bag.
“I’m going to the hospital. I’ll put in a request for temporary housing...not sure how long it will take, but I’m sure I can bunk with Steve, if necessary...see you around, Ella.” And then he’s gone.
Quiet surrounds the room as I drop to my knees on the carpet and cry. Cry for the pain I’ve put Michael through. Cry for the loss of the wonderful man and friend he’s been to me the past years. Cry because I know he deserves someone who will love him with all her heart. And then I cry because I’m utterly terrified of what’s to come...
Johnny and I leave the security shack and head straight to Ella’s. I continue to fill him in on the way there.
“Ella thinks she’s being watched. I haven’t heard it from her, but to hear it from Savannah, she’s scared shitless. We’ve got to keep an eye on her. Nothing can happen to her, man. You, of all people, know what I’m saying. She’s important.”
“You always were inseparable. Never could understand what happened between you two,” Johnny ponders. “She moved after her mom died, and we all lost track of her. Like she vanished off the face of the earth and didn’t want to be found. So weird, man.”
“I tried, but like you said, she disappeared. She told me that I sent her a letter. Not sure what the fuck that’s about, but I plan on finding out real soon.”
Saying it out loud has me questioning this letter more and more. I was stunned at first when she accused me of sending a letter, but the more I think about it, the more I know she was genuinely upset and believed what she was saying to me. I go back to a conversation I had with my dad before I left for college.
“She will never carry the Blackwood name, Grayson, never! Not as long as I’m alive!” my father shouted at me.
I had just arrived from taking Ella home, and he was at it again. He didn’t approve of Ella, but the rest of my family loved her. Even tho
ugh his temper had settled down lately, he still managed to go off at the slightest things.
“She doesn’t have the pedigree. Not from good stock, son, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure of that. You can bank on it.” He was calmer and breathing heavily. He turned and sats back in the recliner.
The way things are looking now, he kept good on his word about keeping us apart...my fucking father!
“Motherfucker!” I yell. I’m livid. If he were here right now, I would hurt him. Johnny raises an eyebrow, questioning me, but I shake my head, letting him know I’m not ready to discuss it.
After several deep gulps of fresh air to clear my head, I’m ready to tackle Ella’s situation.
“Need a rotation for Ella’s security. I know security is planning to watch her, but I’d feel better if we ran this. Any questions?”
Johnny nods his affirmation, and I know things will be taken care of by my friend. My phone starts ringing and I see it’s from TMC. “Blackwood here,” I answer into the phone and listen as the nurse gives me the news.
Hitting the end button, I update Johnny, “Aabdar is awake and asking for me. Need to head over there. You good here?”
“Yes, sir,” he smirks, and I’m headed back to TMC.
I’m eager to speak with Aabdar. He’s the key to unlocking the chaotic web of theories we are chasing. He knows Mustafa’s organization and we need his intel. I enter TMC to find Styx and Beauty waiting outside Aabdar’s room for my arrival.
“He refuses to let us in,” Beauty snaps as I approach.
He doesn’t look happy with the situation. Can’t really blame him. This situation is beyond fucked up, and the waiting has begun to grate on everyone’s nerves.
“I received a call from his nurse. Let me see what’s up and I’ll brief you when I’m done,” I comment. Not waiting for a reply, I knock on his door and enter the room. Aabdar’s sitting up in the hospital bed.
“You’re looking better,” I say in his native language. I’m not fluent, but I can get my point across most of the time. “Heard you wanted to speak to me.”
Aabdar glances at the door with a worried look. He seems apprehensive about talking. When he notices my intense stare, he drops all pretenses and answers, “Yes, I requested an audience with you. I also asked for you to come alone. Yet two of your men stand guard outside my door. You have a problem, Captain, and it needs to be discussed privately. Without other ears around.”
I’m completely stunned. That son of a bitch is speaking perfect English. The entire time he has understood what we’ve been talking about and led us to believe he was ignorant of our language.
“Shocked you, have I? Let’s just say the same intel you are trying to gain, well, my government is also. I’ve been in deep cover, trying to break this cell for years.”
“Your government being?” I manage to toss out.
“I’m not at liberty to say. We don’t have long, Captain, before your troops will become restless,” he voices as his eyes narrow on the door again. “Are you aware of what a sleeper is, Captain?”
He shifts his gaze to me, and I notice it’s not apprehension like I believed earlier but awareness of his surroundings. I’m seeing him in a different light as a soldier and not a civilian.
“Of course I have knowledge of what a sleeper is, for fuck’s sake! They’ve been popping up all over the world, wreaking havoc on innocent civilians. Pipe bombs in subways and other public transits have been the most vulnerable to their vicious games. What does this have to do with Mustafa and his cell?” I inquire.
“There is one among your…” he begins when a bullet enters through the window, shattering the glass, and buries itself between Aabdar’s eyes. Instant death. Blood and brain matter is splayed on the wall. I drop to the floor, searching for cover, as the door bursts open and Styx is firing at the window and dragging my ass out the door.
“What the fuck just happened?” I’m yelling at Styx. “Where the fuck is Beauty?”
I’m panting from the adrenaline pumping through my body. I haven’t used my firearm since being shot, and I’m not able to respond like normal. I had grabbed for my pistol when the window burst, but the ache that began rendered me incapacitated for that split second. Styx’s reaction probably saved me from another hospital stint.
“Beauty received a phone call from an informant and said he would be back later,” Styx replies as the MPs arrive on the scene.
I’m stunned again. “Didn’t I say to stay the fuck here?”
“Yes, sir,” Styx agrees quickly.
“We’ve got problems. Big problems. We’re going hunting, Pete, hunting for a rat,” I relay to Styx as we turn to leave.
Aabdar’s confession has literally pulled the chair out from underneath me. Now, I’m not only dealing with his death and the ambush on my team, but a sleeper. Dangerous times, and I’ve brought Ella into the mix.
Michael hasn’t talked to me since that night, except once a few days after leaving. I don't blame him at all. I’ve seen him checking on patients, passing in the hall, but he just looked at me with sad eyes and smiled. I realize I’ve broken him.
Now, as I enter the doctor’s lounge, Michael approaches me. He wants to talk about us, and once again I have to remind him there isn’t an us anymore. We can only be friends.
“Ella, I need to talk to you,” Michael says as I start to turn around and leave the room. He is the only one in here, and I’m not in a good place to talk to him. It’s still an open wound for both of us, and I don’t want to see him hurt. Hiding won’t solve anything.
“I’m needed in the OR in fifteen minutes, Michael. Can we talk later?”
“No. I only need a little of your time, babe.”
“I’m not your babe anymore, Michael. We’ve talked. What more is there to say?
“I don’t believe you. We’re perfect together...you’re just confused and need time. I’ve been thinking...maybe if we left and went back to the States, it would help you clear your mind. We could request leave today. We’ve been here for almost six months.”
“Michael, please...please don’t make this harder on us…”
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Ella. I’m trying to save us. Less than six weeks ago, we were planning our wedding. You and me. We belong. He’s your past. We’re the future.”
Not knowing what to say to him, I turn and leave. What he said is replaying over and over in my mind, but I know my future’s not with him. Not anymore. He’s on a new path and will find the right person for him. Just not with me. It will take him time to heal, but my hope is he will.
Six hours later, exhaustion has settled into my bones and I’m leaving the OR ready to go home and crash. The soldier we operated on lost both legs from a land mine. It will take months of recovering and more surgeries before he is up and going again. But he will live and that’s what matters most. We did all we could to get him set on the right track. I can feel the depression slowly inching its way into my mind as I shake away the cobwebs. I wish I had a tub of cookies ’n cream ice cream right about now to drown out the worries troubling me about my earlier run-in with Michael. I swing the double doors from the intensive care unit open, and leaning against the wall is Grayson. Damn, he looks good as he makes his way toward me.
“Hey, Bluebird, we need to talk. Got a few minutes to spare?” he queries with a grin, showcasing his gorgeous dimple.
I evade his grasp, immune at the moment, and continue walking. “Not today, Grayson. It’s been a rough one.”
“I need five minutes. We gotta talk about what happened at lunch the other day. We both need answers. Can’t keep running. You belong with me. Sooner or later, we’re gonna have to face those questions together.”
I stop and give him an about-face, enraged he just won’t let the issue go for now. Placing my hands on my hips and giving him my ‘I’m not gonna budge’ look, I firmly reply, “Yes. I. Can. I said, not today. I’ve had a shitty one and right now I want a shower and bed.”<
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He’s stunned at my outburst and lifts his hands in surrender. Not waiting a minute more for him to say anything else, I turn and continue on my way out. I’m maxed out from dealing with both of the men in my life in one day.
Surrendering to my job has been a blessing for me. After a few more nights of crying for Michael’s pain and being scared to death of what the future holds with Grayson, I am ready to go forward. I have to. While trying to get a grip on the things that have transpired over the past week, I walk on autopilot through the hospital. So many feelings have me on edge. I know I did the right thing for Michael and for me. I really don’t know where this is going with Grayson, but I know that I can’t live with regrets.
TMC is now on lockdown because of the shooting two weeks ago. Damn. My heart hurts thinking about Grayson right in the middle of all it.
Grayson has been hanging around the hospital on and off this week. Sigh. I know he’s watching over me. Not that we’ve had a real sit-down to talk about the elephant in the room. He’s giving me space. Time to focus. And if he’s not here, Johnny or Pete mysteriously show up. As odd as my life has been lately, it’s a welcome distraction. Those creepy feelings of being watched have disappeared too.
I catch a glimpse of Johnny, or Animal as his team calls him, propped up against the far corridor. Dressed in his army fatigues, his bulging arms crossed over his massive chest. Johnny was always a big guy. Now he has filled out nicely. Instead of a boy, a man stands before me.
“How’s it going, Animal?” I laugh at the animal part, ‘cause it’s just so damn funny. Soldiers and their nicknames. “What are you up to today?”
“Just people watching, Ella,” Johnny replies as a grin covers his face.
Hmmm. Something is strange about that comment, but I let it go. Like I said before, it comforts me right now.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it then. Later, Johnny.” Leaving him to his ‘watching’, I finish up at the hospital and get ready to go home.