Hamish could see from the looks on the PDF’s faces that they were not keen.
‘Look, all these babies are being born in Frinkley Hospital,’ said Hamish. ‘It’s where I saw the really weird stuff happening.’
‘But these babies are too small to be doing all that,’ said Buster. ‘They’re newborns! Or three-month-olds! Even if they’re a year old, they can’t be doing half this nonsense!’
Hamish understood Buster’s point exactly.
‘Something’s going on,’ he said. ‘And, if there is, we need to do something about it. We need proof.’
‘And then we tell Belasko?’ asked Clover.
‘Right now,’ said Alice, smiling, ‘we are Belasko.’
An hour later, after an inspiring motivational speech from Alice, the gang roared their mopeds past the hospital gates in Frinkley and parked up just out of sight, opposite the luggage shop, Larch Molar’s Bags.
Hamish’s moped was brand new, due to accidentally having his stolen by a gang of Terribles not long ago. His new moped was called HOWLER, and he was pretty proud of it. It was blue and had a big red H down the side, plus a go-faster stripe, a small box for sandwiches and a ‘Reverse Leopard’ sirenforwhenhereallyneededtoget somewhere in a hurry, or needed to speak to a leopard.
‘Why do they need an advert for Frinkley in Frinkley?’ said Buster, pointing at a big billboard above them. ‘We’re already in Frinkley. It’s not like people who are already in Frinkley will see the advert for Frinkley and say, “We should go to Frinkley!” They’re in Frinkley!’
The advert was certainly very bold. It had a photo of Mr Massive on it, the local celebrity. He was the star of the Mr Massive Show and did the voiceover on Europe’s Most Massive Men.
‘We need to keep a low profile,’ said Alice.
‘We’re a bunch of ten-year-olds with mopeds,’ replied Venk. ‘That might be hard.’
‘Wait,’ said Clover.
She took off an enormous backpack and opened it up.
‘Doctors’ uniforms,’ she said. ‘Stethoscopes. Thermometers. That weird little disc thing you wear on your head . . .’
Hamish’s plan was simple. Get inside Frinkley Hospital. Find some evidence of weird baby behaviour. Then, as junior agents currently responsible for the local area, get in touch with Hamish’s dad and other Belasko agents to ask permission to put a stop to it. Because, even though they were still the PDF, they were part of something bigger now.
The gang started to quickly pull their doctors’ uniforms on over their normal clothes.
‘Wait!’ said Buster. ‘How come my one’s different?’
‘I didn’t have quite enough uniforms,’ said Clover, apologetically. ‘I’m afraid that’s why you have to be an old lady.’
‘Me?’ said Buster, appalled. He held up a bright green flowery dress. ‘Why do I have to be the old lady?’
‘You were born in Frinkley,’ said Clover. ‘One of the doctors might recognise you from when you popped out of your mum. You need a little more disguising!’
‘Haha,’ said Venk, who you’d never catch for a second in an uncool costume. But then his face fell.
Outside the newsagent’s was a poster advertising the latest edition of the Frinkley Starfish.
It said:
WHO’S AFRAID OF A BABY? THE PDF!
‘Afraid of a baby?’ said Alice.
Hamish frowned and strode inside, returning ten seconds later with a copy of the Starfish. Everyone gathered round as he flicked through it, and saw, with horror, a whole page about them, complete with a huge photo someone must have snapped on their phone.
Hamish had read enough. He thrust the newspaper at Elliot.
‘Oh, no,’ said Elliot, pointing at the back page. ‘Even Mr Elbows is having a go at us.’
Hamish fumed. He hated Mr Elbows. He thought Mr Elbows was a right old wally. And this was not fair at all. Hamish wasn’t scared of babies. He just had a sneaking suspicion that they might be some kind of threat to national security and world safety.
Hamish felt bad that the newspaper was writing this kind of thing about his pals – and all because of him. It made him even more determined to prove to the others that the baby threat was real.
‘Oh my GOSH,’ whispered Buster as they walked inside the hospital. His eyes were the size of pies. ‘They’re EVERYWHERE!’
Ha! thought Hamish. Now the others would see how dangerous babies could be!
Buster was wearing an enormous hat with flowers on, along with his dress, and being pushed in a wheelchair while the rest of the PDF pretended to be very busy and concerned doctors, making sure he was okay.
Buster was right, though. There were babies left, right and centre.
Hamish kept a beady eye on them, as parents bent over them, cooing. Some were being strapped into car seats, ready to be driven to waiting cots in Frinkley, Starkley, Thrump, Pilbox and Blund. Others just sat about, breaking wind and smiling.
‘So what exactly are we looking for?’ Alice asked Hamish.
‘Anything unusual,’ he said, firmly. ‘Let’s head for the room where Boffo was.’
Doctors and nurses strode around, deep in conversation, as Hamish led his small gang down the corridor. It felt very naughty being here, even though this was now technically official Belasko spy business.
‘All these babies, well . . . they just seem like normal babies,’ suggested Alice, her cherry-red army boots squeaking along the floor.
They passed a room where a mother had just been presented with her newborn. The dad was taking a picture and wiping away a tear. Elliot made notes as they went.
‘I know we all got freaked out by that baby in the square,’ said Venk, considering exactly what they were doing. ‘But maybe we overreacted? I mean, maybe we got it into our heads that they were weird?’
‘They were weird,’ said Hamish. ‘There was all sorts of stuff going on. Doors being sabotaged. Wallets stolen. And what about the ones pretending to be a man last night?’
‘Well,’ said Venk. ‘I mean, I don’t want to be funny, but . . . only you saw them, Hamish. Are you sure you weren’t dreaming?’
Hamish knew what he’d seen. And his friends really wanted to believe him, but it was as if everyone’s confidence had been knocked by the newspaper article. It had made them feel a bit silly.
‘It’s possible those babies in the square weren’t growling,’ said Buster. ‘Maybe they were . . . grizzling?’
‘Plus, it was quite windy last night,’ added Clover. ‘Perhaps that explains the runaway pram?’
‘It wasn’t runaway,’ said Alice, firmly. ‘It was being steered. Controlled. We all saw it avoid that poop.’
Hamish was grateful for Alice’s support. But the truth was, even Hamish had started to doubt himself a little. He suddenly felt really embarrassed.
He’d dragged his friends all the way to Frinkley, and for what? Nothing had actually happened. What if was all in their imagination? And maybe Boffo hadn’t deliberately been sick all over him for such a long time. Perhaps he’d just had some bad sushi?
What if it was time to admit Hamish simply didn’t have any evidence?
They arrived at Boffo’s old room and peered through the slightly open door.
Another baby was sitting in there, smiling and gurgling, as his mum gently slept.
‘Hmm. Well, they don’t seem very scary right now,’ said Alice.
Hamish glanced at Alice. Was she losing faith too?
He needed proof of what he’d seen. Some evidence that strange things were happening so they could get permission from Belasko to stop it.
Hamish spotted a CCTV camera above him and had something of a brainwave.
‘The cameras!’ he said. ‘They’ll have recorded the things I saw that day – and who knows what else!’
Suddenly the group found its energy again. They had a lead!
‘That way,’ said Alice, spotting the wires leading to a room marked CONTROL. ‘Let’s go!�
��
But, as they raced down the corridor in search of evidence, they had no idea that behind that door they would find much more than that.
Snipe
The PDF leapt into action the second they watched the security guard leave the control room to do her rounds. It was a shame no one had brought any action music with them, because this would have been the perfect time for it.
Venk flattened himself against the wall, holding his sunglasses at an angle so he could check round corners and make sure no one was coming. This was the best Venk could do at short notice. He sometimes worried he didn’t have a proper place in the team. The others all seemed to have special skills and could leap instantly into action, while Venk just held their coats or made sure everyone stayed hydrated. He watched, slightly jealously, as Buster expertly whipped out his enormous key ring and started trying out all his skeleton keys on the lock of the control room.
Clover delved into her bag and pulled out a blue jumper, a beard and a home-made badge, so she could stand guard outside the door and if anyone asked just point at her badge and say, ‘I’m Jeff, the new security guard.’
JEFF THE NEW
SECURITY GUARD
Elliot always carried a secret, hidden PDF memory stick in his sock, just in case he suddenly needed to download some important information from somewhere. He leaned down and took it out.
Actually, on reflection, maybe action music would have been overdoing it a bit.
‘We’re in!’ said Buster, unclicking the lock.
Clover – sorry, Jeff – ushered everyone in, then slammed the door behind them.
Inside this dark room was a desk and about twenty television screens, each one flickering blue and showing what was happening around Frinkley Hospital.
SCREEN 1 showed an old man having his ankles waxed.
SCREEN 2 was just a shot of a woman eating some celery.
SCREEN 3 was the nursery.
‘Download everything you can from Screen 3,’ said Hamish. ‘And then go back to the afternoon Mum and I visited Boffo. See what you can find from the corridors.’
‘What’s that noise?’ said Alice, as Elliot got to work.
‘What noise?’ said Hamish. He couldn’t hear anything and wasn’t in the mood to be distracted either. They weren’t supposed to be in here. In Starkley, they could get away with things like this, but Frinkley was different. It felt like enemy territory.
He spotted a copy of the Frinkley Starfish on the security guard’s desk. He picked it up and looked at it more closely.
The Frinkley Starfish
Proudly published by Charmless Media A.X.A.R.
Charmless Media? Well, that was about right. Hamish wondered what the A.X.A.R. stood for. Some people said it was the Association of Xtra Alternative Reporting. He found Horatia Snipe’s page again and peered at the picture of them all running away from the baby. Didn’t people understand? That baby had looked vicious!
Hamish never understood why some people wrote this kind of thing. Why say such nasty things about people they didn’t even know? Some people even wrote horrible things about people they did know. It seemed so pointless, putting this meanness out into the air. And you had to be careful. If you wrote something horrible, it could stay online forever. Hamish thought a good rule was: If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, you shouldn’t write it at all.
But Horatia Snipe seemed to be someone who was happy to write anything about anybody, so long as it made her look good. The truth was it didn’t. Secretly, it just made people feel a bit sorry for her, and want to avoid her. I mean, who’d invite Horatia Snipe around for dinner when she might write a scathing article about the evening? For example, once a lovely lady named Jennifer Sniggles invited Horatia to supper and guess what they say Horatia did in return? She brought scorecards with her and a little desk, then sat behind it and loudly gave marks out of ten for each course that Ms Sniggles served.
STARTER: The cheese was too hot and the toast was not cooked. 2 OUT OF 10!
MAIN COURSE: I expect more than a small blue bowl of curried baked beans and a sausage! 1 OUT OF 10!
DESSERT: I was thoroughly distracted by your constant weeping! It put me right off my treacle! 0 OUT OF 10!
Poor Jennifer Sniggles never cooked again. Although, judging by her menu, that was probably a blessing . . .
The point is, Horatia Snipe was one of those really awful people who do nothing but put negativity out into the world. She was a right old negatron and she thought it made her powerful.
Hamish knew all this about her and yet her words still hurt. The PDF were being called ninnies, when all they were doing was trying to save the world. Everybody’s world.
‘HAMISH,’ said Alice, disturbing Hamish’s thoughts. ‘There’s that noise again!’
‘I heard it that time too,’ said Elliot, looking worried, as the files downloaded from the computer. ‘It sounded like it came from over there!’
Hamish turned to see the security guard’s small kitchenette. Just a little sink, a toaster, a kettle and a tall fridge.
BA-RUMP. BUMP BUMP. CLATTER.
‘It’s . . . it’s coming from the fridge,’ said Alice, wide-eyed.
Normally, a fridge might make a low humming noise or perhaps the odd click or rattle as it settled down for the night. But this was different.
BA-KLANG. BRUMP. TAK.
This was all bangs and bumps and bops and clangs. Hamish could hear bottles being knocked against each other inside, clinking hard.
And now look! The fridge was rocking from side to side!
Was there a cat in there? Chasing a mouse? Wrestling with cheese?
‘We should open it,’ said Hamish. ‘Elliot, are you finished?’
‘Done!’ said Elliot, tucking the memory stick back into his sock.
‘Wait, Hamish . . .’ said Buster. ‘Don’t open it. What if it’s . . . I don’t know. A ghost?’
Alice frowned. ‘A fridge ghost?’ she said. Alice had never heard of fridge ghosts. Why would a ghost want to haunt a fridge? Are spirits particularly into chilled meats?
‘I’m opening it,’ said Hamish, bravely. ‘Stand by!’
And he grabbed the handle and slowly pulled. As he did so, the fridge door creaaaaked, and cold air began to pour from the edges. Alice jumped as eggs and cans of pop and old junk food tumbled out and spattered and clattered on the floor.
Hamish nearly yelped as the door opened fully and he saw what was sitting on the middle shelf of the fridge.
An enormous baby had its back to the kids and its face in a bowl of custard!
The cold air wisped around the baby as it furiously slurped the custard, rattling bottles of ketchup and sending plates of butter crashing to the floor.
It looked like a little goblin!
And then, sensing his presence, the fridge baby turned to stare at Hamish, and Hamish couldn’t believe what happened next.
It got onto all fours and its eyes seemed to glow red, like some kind of terrifying, possessed dog!
Slaver poured from its mouth and ran down the fridge as the kids started to scream.
it suddenly roared.
Baby Mayhem!
‘I don’t know about anyone else,’ said Elliot as they ran from the control room, ‘but I’m getting pretty sick of being yelled at by babies.’
Hamish was shaken and shocked and shocked and shaken. That had taken the behaviour of the bad babies to a whole new level.
I mean, a baby yelling is one thing. But a baby in a fridge screaming, ‘DROOOOOOOOOL’?
Not to mention the slaver!
Now it was undeniable.
Absolutely undeniable.
There was definitely something wrong with the babies of Starkley and Frinkley!
The PDF ran out of the hospital and jumped on their Vespas to race back to HQ. Hamish didn’t even care if anyone took a photo of them running away this time. Send it to the Starfish! Put it on the front page! That baby had been terrifying!
And now, more than ever, Hamish knew it wasn’t alone.
As he shot back towards Starkley on his Howler, he saw babies staring from the side of the road, babies in car seats glaring out from cars and even a baby sitting on a cow in a field.
A terrible thought occurred to Hamish as he made it to Garage 5. All the babies seemed to share a certain look on their faces.
What if they were . . . connected?
Rather than lots of random acts of weirdness, they might all be on the same side. Like an army. A baby army.
A barmy!
And, if they were a barmy, this really was an INVASION.
They say some twins can read each other’s minds and feel each other’s emotions. When one of them is sad, the other might feel that way too, even if they’re miles away, having the time of their life on a bouncy castle or eating free peanuts. What if these babies had some kind of kooky connection? What if they were all on the same wavelength?
Hamish needed to tell Belasko the second he had absolute proof and time was of the essence. Babies can roam free. They can get in everywhere. They could start to slowly take over both Starkley and Frinkley, and no one would see it coming.
No one except Hamish and his pals.
But at least they’d seen more evidence of the crazy behaviour. And what’s more – they had it on video.
Inside Garage 5, once the whole team were back, they gathered round the computer.
‘Elliot, we need to study the babies. Show me the video you got from the hospital,’ said Hamish and Elliot brought it up on the screen.
CHAOS!
It was pure CHAOS!
It was blimmin’ baby bonkers!
The PDF watched in stunned silence as Elliot played the footage. They studied it carefully, like they were zoologists researching a bizarre new type of animal.
The same pattern kept repeating itself.
Hamish and the Baby BOOM! Page 5