CRASH COURSE
In 1947 an American Airlines pilot named Charles Sisto was in command of a propeller-driven DC-4 aircraft carrying 49 passengers from Dallas to Los Angeles. Along with Sisto were his copilot, Melvin Logan, and John Beck, a DC-3 pilot who was learning how to operate the more sophisticated DC-4. While cruising along at 8,000 feet, Captain Sisto invited Beck to take the controls. As Beck was settling into the captain’s chair, Sisto thought he’d have a little fun at the rookie’s expense—he fastened the gust lock, a device that locks up both the rudder and the elevator and is supposed to be used only on the ground.
Beck was obviously confused when the DC-4 started climbing…and climbing…and kept climbing, no matter what he did. Beck tried everything he could think of, but he couldn’t level the plane out. Finally, suppressing his laughter, Captain Sisto decided that the joke had gone on long enough and unlocked the gust lock. Bad idea: while trying to correct the plane’s altitude, Beck had left the controls set to an extreme position. Once the gust lock was off, the airplane went straight into a nose dive.
The sudden lurch threw Sisto and Beck, who were not strapped in, out of their seats. They hit the ceiling—which happened to be where the propeller controls were located—and shut off three of the four engines. This actually turned out to be a good thing, because shutting off the propellers slowed the plane’s descent and allowed copilot Logan, who was strapped in, to level the plane just 350 feet from the ground. They made an emergency landing in El Paso, Texas.
Many of the passengers were injured, but none seriously. At first, the three pilots claimed that the autopilot had failed, but after a lengthy investigation, Sisto finally confessed to his ill-conceived practical joke.
He was fired.
No strings attached? Female Marines serving during WWII were called Marinettes.
OOPS!
More tales of outrageous blunders to let us know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.
OFF-FENCE-SIVE MANEUVER
“A Shinnston, West Virginia, woman called for help on her cell phone Wednesday after a camel sat on top of her while she was painting a fence. Firefighters and the camel’s owner helped move the animal off the woman, who was having trouble breathing, according to ambulance driver Brent Hicks. ‘There is no protocol on something like this,’ he said. The names of the woman and the camel’s owner were not released.”
—Houston Chronicle
NICE SMOKING JACKET
“Israel’s finance minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, was really fired up during a radio interview conducted outside the cabinet room on Sunday. ‘Can’t you smell the smoke?’ the Army Radio reporter suddenly asked.
“‘What do you mean?’ Netanyahu shot back.
“‘Minister, your cigar is on fire. The one inside your suit jacket.
You are burning up!’ the reporter replied urgently.
“At this point, Housing Minister Isaac Herzog came to the rescue. ‘Throw it on the floor, Bibi.’ Herzog cried. Emergency over, the reporter asked Netanyahu why he had put the cigar in his jacket pocket.
“‘Smoking is forbidden here,’ Netanyahu said. But why a lit cigar? ‘I didn’t know it was lit.’”
—Reuters
REAL TOUGH LOVE
“A Watauga, Texas, woman identified only as ‘Lori,’ told Fort Worth Star-Telegram reporters that she recently phoned 911 after coming home to find her daughters fighting. The 911 dispatcher, Mike Forbess, responded to the mother’s plea for help by saying: ‘OK. Do you want us to come over to shoot her?’
Your government at work: It is illegal to swim on dry land in Santa Ana, California.
“After Forbess’ comment, the woman fell silent for about five seconds and then asked, ‘Excuse me?’
“Forbess, a dispatcher for five years, told her he was joking and apologized. But it was too late. (Forbess immediately told his supervisor what happened and was severely reprimanded.)”
—Associated Press
DON’T DRINK THE…
“Aliso Viejo, California, officials fell prey to an Internet prank that warns about ‘the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide,’ otherwise known as H2O or…water. The City Council was about to vote on a law banning the use of foam containers made with the substance. Officials said a paralegal was the victim of a spoof Web site identifying it as an ‘odorless, colorless chemical’ that can cause death if inhaled.”
—USA Today
FAILING GRADE
“In March 2004, the University of California, Davis, issued an apology to 6,000 students who received an e-mail indicating they were awarded a prestigious Regents Scholarship. It was a mistake. Within three hours a second e-mail was issued congratulating those same students on being admitted to UC Davis, but without the scholarship. Only 800 students were actually selected to receive the Regents Scholarship.”
—UC News Service
HOUSE IT GOING?
“Former Baywatch star Carmen Electra has discovered she’s living in the wrong house—the one she thought she’d bought is next door. The actress, who purchased the Los Angeles property with her husband, David Navarro, admits she didn’t realize she’d put in a bid on the wrong home until she moved in. She says, ‘I got the houses confused. The day we moved in, I walked in the living room and I said, “Honey, this isn’t the house!” I was a little disappointed because I thought the pool was somewhere else, but now I’ve gotten used to it.’”
—World Entertainment News
Don’t look now, but the average person loses about 1,600 eyelashes per year.
WHY ASK WHY?
Sometimes the answer is irrelevant—it’s the question that counts.
If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
What disease did cured ham have?
Why do we say we “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every hour and a half?
Why do alarm clocks “go off” when they start making noise?
Instead of “All things in moderation,” shouldn’t it be “Some things in moderation”?
Why do we yell “Heads up!” when we should be yelling “Heads down!”
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell “mnemonic”?
Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down very, very slowly?
When French people swear, do they say, “Pardon my English”?
Why is it called the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why are they called marbles if they’re made out of glass?
If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the Earth out of its orbit?
What color hair do bald men put on their driver’s license?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?
When two airplanes almost collide, why is it a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be a “near hit”?
How can something be both “new” and “improved”?
Why do we shut up, but quiet down?
How did the “Keep Off the Grass” sign get there in the first place?
But can it fetch? The Philippine cloud rat barks like a dog.
MODERN MALADIES
Modern technology—it’s made life a lot easier for all of us. But with every silver lining…there also comes a cloud.
CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME
The carpal tunnel is a small space in the wrist—about the diameter of your index finger—surrounded by the carpal bones on the top and the transverse carpal ligament on the bottom. That space is filled with tendons, arteries, lymphatic vessels, and the median nerve. In a healthy wrist, all those parts fit perfectly and glide by each other easily. But when the wrist is used for repetitive motion over long periods of time, one or more of
those tendons may become inflamed, which can cause friction with the other parts, including the nerve. Result: a tingling, numb sensation on the thumb side of the hand, and/or pain in the wrist. With the advent of the computer age and people sitting at a keyboard for hours at a time, carpal tunnel syndrome has become increasingly common. According to the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics, carpal tunnel syndrome now results in more work days lost than any other work-related injury.
BACKPACK SYNDROME
In the 1990s, backpacks became the schoolbook bag of choice for students of all ages in the United States. Studies done at that time reported a growing number of complaints about back pain from school-age children—and said it was related to the backpack trend. They found two problems: 1) The number of books students are required to have by schools had increased. Many packs weighed 20 pounds or more—a lot for a twelve-year-old; and 2) Kids were wearing the packs incorrectly. Kids considered it uncool to wear the packs with both straps—they chose to wear them over one shoulder, instead. This led to shoulder pain and, after prolonged misuse, could even cause curvature of the spine, an especially harmful condition for still-developing kids.
CELL PHONE SYNDROMES
• Cell phone elbow: Since the late 1990s, more and more worker’s compensation claims have been filed for epicondylitis: painful inflammation of the muscles and soft tissues around the bone projections on either side of the elbow. How did people get the condition? According to doctors, from overuse of their cell phones. Cells allow people to be on the phone almost anywhere—in cars, restaurants, bars, and even outdoors—so overuse has become common. And, as most people have experienced, holding a phone to your ear for a prolonged period of time makes your elbow sore. (Note: It used to be called “tennis elbow.”)
S’not a joke: The Maori of New Zealand believe that God sneezed life into humans.
• Increased allergies: In 2003 Dr. Hajime Kimata of Unitika Hospital in Kyoto, Japan, studied 52 allergy sufferers—half of them were talking on their cell phones; the other half were not. Discovery: cell phone radiation increases allergy symptoms. “When we did blood tests we found that the mobile phones had raised the levels of antigens in the blood, which provoke allergic reactions such as eczema, hay fever, and asthma.” Kitama said he thinks that microwaves emitted by cell phones are responsible for the increased antigens.
ORTHOREXIA NERVOSA
Colorado-based physician Dr. Steven Bratman coined this term in 1996 for a new type of eating disorder: an unhealthy obsession with eating too well. (Orthorexia means “correct appetite.”) At the time, he says, he had the condition himself; he was so obsessed with eating healthy food that he ate only vegetables that he pulled from the ground himself. He then realized that he had a dangerous eating disorder, not unlike anorexia nervosa (“loss of appetite”). Some of the symptoms: thinking about healthy food for more than three hours a day, planning tomorrow’s menu today, continually limiting the number of types of foods you eat, and feeling critical of others who don’t eat as well as you do. “Eating for pleasure is part of life,” Bratman says. “Any move to give that up should be seen as a very dramatic and radical change.”
* * *
LOONEY ANIMAL LAWS
• Goldfish may ride Seattle city buses, provided they lie still.
• In Kentucky, it’s illegal to walk behind a mule without speaking to it.
All 182 residents of Whittier, Alaska, live in two apartment buildings.
BRI SURVIVAL GUIDE
We’re not paranoid, but we do have quite a few survival books here at the BRI…because, well, you just never know. Here is a selection of advice from these guides. (Uncle John’s disclaimer: We’re bathroomologists, not survivalists.)
USING COMMON SENSE
Rule #1 for any catastrophe: Stay calm. Easier said than done? Not really. If your car careens off a cliff, you may think that you’ll scream all the way down. But many people who have survived near-catastrophes report quite the opposite: time slows down and the mind clicks into a serene clarity of purpose. Still, a clear mind will do you little good without any knowledge of what to do next. So here is some of that knowledge.
TORNADO
People who live in Tornado Alley are probably well-versed in what to do, but what about someone who’s just passing through?
• First, be aware when you’re in a tornado-prone area. Tornado Alley extends from the Deep South in the United States up through the Plains states (Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, and North Dakota), into the Southwest, and as far north as Canada, which has the second-most tornadoes in the world (the U.S. has the most). And the violent thunderstorms that spawn twisters can happen in any month of the year.
• Watch the skies—if they quickly become unusually dark, find shelter and tune in to a weather report. Tornado watch means that the conditions are ripe for a twister. Stay off the roads and stay glued to the weather. Tornado warning means that one has been spotted. Seek shelter immediately.
• If possible, learn where the safest place is before a storm comes, but if you don’t know, here’s what to look for. First choice: a storm shelter specifically designed to withstand tornadoes. They’re usually underground and have strong, locking doors on top that won’t get ripped off by a twister. Second choice: a basement. Hide under a heavy table to protect yourself from flying debris, and keep as far away from any outside walls as possible. Crouching under stairwells is also a good option. No basement? Then find a room on the first floor that doesn’t touch any outside walls and stay away from windows. A bathroom is best. Hide in the bathtub with a mattress over your head. (Plumbing pipes are often buried in the ground, so a tub may be the only thing left where a house used to be.) A hall closet is also a good shelter. Wrap yourself up in heavy blankets or quilts. Don’t go upstairs—tornadoes are known for ripping off roofs.
A three-month-old baby pelican weighs more than its mother.
• If you’re outside, your biggest danger isn’t the tornado—it’s flying debris. Stay low. Find a ditch and lie face down. Wind speeds around a tornado can reach upwards of 200 mph, but at ground level (or below) they’re usually much slower. Keep in mind: if there are heavy rains, be wary of flash floods.
• Don’t hide in a car, which can be picked up and thrown, or under a highway overpass, which can leave you vulnerable to flying debris.
• An eerie calm can occur just before and after a tornado strikes, so don’t think it’s over just because the wind dies down. Danger remains until the sky is clear.
FALLING OFF A BRIDGE
• If you’re forced to jump from a bridge into water, try to aim for the deepest part of the water, usually near the center. Avoid piers or pylons, as debris tends to collect around them.
• While in the air, keep your body as vertical as possible. Point your toes downward and protect your crotch with your hands. Also clench your buttocks to keep water from rushing in and causing internal damage.
• Once you’re in the water, fan out your arms and legs to slow your descent.
• If there were other people or objects on the bridge that may be falling down behind you, swim away as quickly as you can.
FOREST FIRE
• Nearly all forest fire casualties occur because the victims ignored orders to evacuate. So don’t tempt fate—if you’re told to leave, go.
The term “underwear” first came into use in 1879.
• A common misconception is that forest fires only travel uphill. They actually travel fastest when going uphill, but will go wherever the wind takes them. Your best bet is to travel in the direction where the sky is the lightest. If you have a car, use it. But if you’re stuck in a car that won’t move, your best chance is to stay inside it with the windows tightly shut and the vents closed. Fires travel fast, so the car may shield you from the heat long enough to survive. There is a risk that the gas tank will explode, but a car still gives you more of a chance to survive than being out in the open.
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sp; • If a fire is looming down on you, find a lake, pond, or river, and swim to the deepest part. Submerge yourself and be very careful when you come up for air. The heat from the fire can severely burn your face. A hat or a jacket can be used to shield your head when you surface, but don’t stay up for too long or your shield may catch fire. (By the way, don’t drink the water—the ash and fumes will make it toxic.)
Real-Life Example: The 1910 Idaho forest fire was massive—more than a million acres burned and 86 people died. One group of survivors was a forest ranger named Edward Pulaski and his team. When the fire raged down on them, they made for a nearby mine…and did everything right. “The mine timbers at the mouth of the tunnel caught fire,” Pulaski later recounted, “so I stood up at the entrance and hung wet blankets over the opening, trying to keep the flames back by filling my hat with water, which fortunately was in the mine, and throwing it on the burning timbers.” The tactic worked: although the smoke made them lose consciousness, the barrier of wet blankets kept them alive long enough for the fire to move on.
HOUSE FIRE
“So strong is the fear of fire,” writes Anthony Greenbank in The Book of Survival, “that the unprepared victim relies completely on his blind instinct of self-preservation. Often this instinct is wrong and means exhaustion, asphyxiation, or cremation.…Heat can be kept at bay long enough for escape, but you must keep your cool and deal with first things first.”
• Indoor fires can spread very fast (unless they are very small and can be easily put out), so don’t waste precious seconds looking for valuables. Get everyone out of the house as soon as possible.
Are you average? A typical adult American male is 5'10" tall. A typical female is 5'4".
• Do not try to put out a stove fire with water; this will make it spread. The best way is to smother it with a non-flammable object, such as a wet blanket.
Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Page 28