THE ZIPPO CAR
Looks Like: A 1940s-era black sedan, with the passenger compartment ripped out and replaced by two giant Zippo lighters, with their tops flipped open and neon flames sticking out. Details: Zippo founder George G. Blaisdell had the first Zippo Car built onto a Chrysler Saratoga New Yorker in 1947. It cost him $25,000, which was a lot of money back then. But Blaisdell didn’t have much to show for it—the car was so heavy that the tires blew out regularly. Rebuilding it onto a Ford truck chassis would have solved the problem, but the redesign made the car several inches taller than government regulations allowed. The estimate for fixing that problem was $40,000, so Blaisdell abandoned the project. Apparently he never even picked it back up from the Ford dealership that was hired to do the work. The dealership eventually went out of business; no one knows what happened to the car, but it probably ended up at the wrecking yard. A replica of the original car was built in 1996 (hopefully with better tires).
THE ECKRICH FUNHOUSE
Looks Like: Eckrich makes sausages, and it’s not easy being a sausage company in search of a promotional vehicle. Why? If you go with the obvious, a sausage shape, you’ll just remind people of the competition—the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Having missed the wiener boat, Eckrich settled for a cartoon-looking house. Details: They call it the Funhouse (it has windows with flower boxes filled with daisies that squirt water at unsuspecting passersby). There’s nothing particularly sausagey at all about it, except maybe that most people eat their sausages at home. But, hey—Eckrich had to come up with something.
How about you? The average American driver spends 55 minutes a day in the car.
THE MEOW MIX MOBILE
Looks Like: A van converted into a crouching cat that looks like it’s about to pounce. The cat comes complete with a motorized tongue that licks “whisker to whisker” 20 times a minute.
Details: A lot of promotional vehicles raise money for charity; Clawde the Red Lobster (an ad-mobile for the Red Lobster restaurant chain) supports the Special Olympics, for example. But the Meow Mix Mobile has a charity all its own: Meows on Wheels. “As the Meow Mix Mobile travels around the country, it will be delivering Meow Mix brand cat food to people who have difficulty purchasing it themselves,” the company’s Web site says. “If you know any cat owners who are homebound, elderly or disabled, or for any reason have difficulty getting to the store to purchase food for their cats, we want to hear from you.”
THE SPAMMOBILE
Looks Like: A blue bus with big Spam decals on each side that are supposed to make it look like a big can of Spam. What it really looks like is a city bus covered with Spam ads.
Details: The “Spambassadors” who drive the Spammobile criss-cross the United States handing out free spample-sized Spamburgers (patties of Spam Lite, Less Sodium Spam, Smoked-Flavored Spam, Oven Roasted Turkey Spam, and regular Spam on tiny hamburger buns) to the public. Mmmmmm!
OTHER VEHICLES
• The Lifesavers Pep-O-Mint Car: One of the coolest vehicles of all, the 1918 Pep-O-Mint car looked just like a roll of Lifesavers on four of those old-fashioned wooden spoked wheels. The driver sat right in the middle of the roll; the O in Pep-O-Mint served as the left and right-side windows.
• The Hershey’s Kissmobile: Looks like three big foil-wrapped Kisses (Regular, Almond, and Hugs) sitting on a giant Hershey’s bar. The driver sits in the regular Hershey’s Kiss (it has a curvy, kiss-shaped windshield); the other two kisses hold free samples.
• The Mr. Peanut Hot Rod: A motor home remade into a peanut-shaped race car, complete with a giant engine block sticking out of the “hood” and a giant Mr. Peanut sitting in the faux driver’s seat. Why a hot rod? Mr. Peanut is “the Official Snack of NASCAR.”
Coca-Cola was once marketed as “the best cure for a hangover.”
UJI! HANABATA!
When people from different cultures meet, they often develop a unique “bridge” language, or “pidgin,” to communicate. Drawing from European, Asian, and native languages, Hawaiian pidgin is a tasty stew of words and expressions that you’ll seldom hear on the mainland. Some examples:
Howzit? Aloha!
Whas da haps? What’s up? What’s happening?
Whadascoops? Another word for Whas da haps?
Leddahs (Pronounced “LEH duhs”): See you later.
Bakatare (“Bah kah TAH ray”): Crazy
Weed: With
Cockaroach: A verb that means to sneak or steal. It can also mean stingy or cheap.
Hanabata: Boogers; snot
Go holoholo: Go out
Moemoe (“Moe ay MOE ay”): Go to sleep.
Uji! (“OOH gee!”): Eew! Yucky!
Skebei (“Skeh BAY”): Dirty old man
Make ass: Make a mess; make a fool of yourself
Cool head main ting: It’s not a big deal. Also: Minors! (“MY nuhs”)
Stink eye: The evil eye—a dirty look
Okole: Butt; rear end
Grind: To eat
Grinds: Food
Ete: A nerd
I owe you money o’ wot? Stop staring at me!
Usedtato (“USED tah toe”): Used to
Lepo: A loser. It can also mean “filthy.”
Junk: Crummy, bad
Junks: Junk, stuff
Stuffs: Stuff, junk
Mines: Mine
Pressure out: Freak out
Chicken skin: Goosebumps Also: Stand-up hairs
Generally speaking, an egg is warmer at its broad end than at its narrow end.
SCOTLAND’S DISH
Back in the 1950s, the BRI’s future food historian, Jeff Cheek, took a trip to Scotland while on one of his clandestine missions with the CIA. (He won’t tell us why he was there.) But he did write this story of haggis for us—the origin, the tradition, and the elusive hunt for a wee, tiny beastie.
WASTE NOT, WANT NOT
Scotland has given the world many gifts: plaid, golf, the poetry of Robert Burns, and Scotch whisky. They have also offered us their national dish—haggis—but there are few takers…once they find out what haggis is made of. It is the offal (the waste parts) of a slaughtered sheep, minced and then boiled in the sheep’s stomach. The dish and name most likely came from the Vikings—the Swedes have a similar dish, hagga, but they use choice cuts of meat to make it. The frugal Scottish farmers, however, wasted nothing, so instead of discarding the lungs, heart, and liver, they used these along with homegrown oats to make haggis. And the Scots have revered it for centuries.
In his “Address to a Haggis,” 18th-century poet Robert Burns called the dish “the Great Chieftain of the Pudding Race.” And it has become a Scottish tradition to serve haggis on Burns Night, January 25, to celebrate the poet’s birthday. Loyal Scotsmen are also supposed to eat haggis on November 30, St. Andrew’s Day, to honor Scotland’s patron saint.
DOWN THE HATCH
Another tradition may explain the dish’s lasting popularity: you don’t eat the haggis by itself—it must be served with “neeps, tatties, and a dram.” Translation: turnips, mashed potatoes, and Scotch whisky. (Possible rationale: everything tastes better if you wash it down with whisky.)
As you might imagine, most non-Scots (and many natives) are quick to reject a dish of innards, so many of the restaurants in Scotland prepare a more palatable version of haggis for their squeamish visitors: it’s cooked in pots instead of stomachs and uses choice cuts of meat instead of the awful offal.
The world record for haggis hurling is held by Alan Pettigrew: 180'10".
HAGGIS HUNTING
Now you know where haggis comes from, but gullible tourists are told a different tale by the Scots: The haggis is actually a “wee beastie” that lives in the bogs and glens of Scotland. It’s easy to recognize these little creatures—their legs are shorter on one side than the other. Why? From scurrying sideways up the steep Scottish hills, of course. It’s very difficult to find a haggis, as they only come out at night. And they have very sensitive ears.
“So if ye go huntin’ for the haggis, don’t wear anything under ye kilt. The sounda ye underwear rubbin’ against ye plaid will send ’em divin’ for cover, laddie! And another thing: before ye go, ye’ve gotta drink lots and lotsa Scotch to mask ye human odor. Them haggis have very sensitive noses, too, ye know!”
Result: Scores of happy, half-naked, inebriated tourists wandering around the countryside after midnight, drinking whisky and swearing that they just saw a real, live haggis…but it got away. “If ye com’ back next year,” you’ll be told, “perhaps ye’ll catch one of them wee, tiny beasties.”
Here is a recipe for traditional haggis.
Ingredients:
• l pound sheep liver
• l large onion, chopped
• 2 pounds dry oatmeal
• l sheep stomach, scraped and cleaned
• l pound suet, chopped
• 3 cups meat stock
• ½ teaspoon each cayenne pepper, salt, and black pepper
Preparation: Boil liver and onion until liver is done. Mince together. Lightly brown oatmeal in a hot skillet, stirring constantly to prevent burning. Mix all ingredients. Fill stomach with mixture, pressing to remove the air. Sew stomach securely, then prick several times with needle so it won’t burst. Slow boil for four hours. Serve with “neeps, tatties, and a dram.”
Something to chew on while waiting for the haggis to cook: A Scottish chef, John Paul McLachlan, created the world’s most expensive haggis for Burns Night in 2005. He marinated Scottish beef in Balvenie cask 191, a 50-year-old Scotch (only 83 bottles exist), and then boiled it in a sheep’s stomach. Cost: $5,500.
Why does Culembourg, Holland, allow sheep to roam the streets? It cuts down on speeding.
HOLLYWOOD LISTS
If you love movies…and you love lists, then this page is for you. (Everyone else please turn the page. Thank you.)
5 Actors Who Played Elvis
1. David Keith
2. Michael St. Gerard
3. Kurt Russell
4. Bruce Campbell
5. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
5 Movie Code Names (used during filming to fool prying eyes)
1. “Radiator Blues” (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
2. “A Boy’s Life” (E.T.)
3. “Blue Harvest” (Return of the Jedi)
4. “The Burly Man” (Matrix Reloaded)
5. “Watch the Skies” (Close Encounters of the Third Kind)
5 Harley-Davidson Owners
1. Goldie Hawn
2. Olivia Newton-John
3. Barbra Streisand
4. Liz Taylor
5. Cher
8 Films with One-Letter Titles
1. A (Germany, 1969)
2. E (Canada, 1981)
3. G (U.K., 1974)
4. I (Sweden, 1966)
5. M (U.S., 1951)
6. W (U.S., 1974)
7. X (Germany, 1928)
8. Z (U.S., 1983)
6 Left-handed Actresses
1. Julia Roberts
2. Angelina Jolie
3. Shirley MacLaine
4. Nicole Kidman
5. Greta Garbo
6. Sarah Jessica-Parker
7 Directors Who Never Won a “Best Director” Oscar
1. Martin Scorsese
2. Ridley Scott
3. Stanley Kubrick
4. Alfred Hitchcock
5. Cecil B. DeMille
6. Orson Welles
7. David Lynch
5 “Colorful” Actors
1. Redd Fox
2. Tom Green
3. Betty White
4. Jennifer Grey
5. Jack Black
8 Stars with Two First Names
1. Raul Julia
2. Kevin James
3. Tom Arnold
4. Meg Ryan
5. Bruce Willis
6. Jason Alexander
7. Larry David
8. John Wayne
7 Stars Who Started on Soap Operas
1. Meg Ryan (As the World Turns)
2. Ricky Martin (General Hospital)
3. Demi Moore (General Hospital)
4. Tommy Lee Jones (One Life to Live)
5. Tobey Maguire (General Hospital)
6. Marisa Tomei (As the World Turns)
7. Teri Hatcher (Capitol)
Kermit the Frog was awarded an honorary doctorate from Southampton College in 1996.
POOR RICH PEOPLE
Want to be rich? You’re not alone. A 2003 Gallup poll found that while only 2% of Americans describe themselves as rich, 51% say that it’s their life’s goal. But beware: wealth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Take it from those who know.
“I have made millions, but they have brought me no happiness.”
—John D. Rockefeller
“Your fortune is rolling up, rolling up like an avalanche. You must keep up with it! You must distribute it faster than it grows! If you do not, it will crush you and your children and your children’s children.”
—Frederick Gates, Rockefeller’s financial advisor
“I am the most miserable man on Earth.”
—John Jacob Astor
“The care of $200 million is enough to kill anyone. There’s no pleasure in it.”
—William H. Vanderbilt
“If I had my life to live over again, I’d be a $30-a-week librarian.”
—Andrew Carnegie
“I was happier when doing a mechanic’s job.”
—Henry Ford
“There is always the question. You wonder if people like you for you—or the inevitable disturbing question: ‘Are they after something?’”
—Mary Lea Johnson, Johnson & Johnson heiress
“I have a problem with too much money. I can’t reinvest it fast enough, and because I reinvest it, more money comes in. Yes, the rich do get richer.”
—Robert Kiyosaki, investor
“A great fortune is a great slavery.”
—Seneca, Roman philosopher
“I don’t care whether I win or lose, and when you can’t enjoy winning at poker, there’s no fun left in anything.”
—John MacKay, “Comstock Silver King”
“I’m not a paranoid deranged millionaire. G*d*mm*t, I’m a billionaire!”
—Howard Hughes
Worth the wait: A Vermont maple tree isn’t tapped for syrup until it is at least 40 years old.
“I never feel sorry for poor boys. It is the children of wealth who deserve sympathy; too often they are starved for incentive to create success for themselves.”
—James Cash Penney, founder of JC Penney
“It’s a terribly hard job to spend a billion dollars and get your money’s worth.”
—George M. Humphrey, U.S. Secretary of Treasury
“Golden shackles are far worse than iron ones.”
—Mahatma Gandhi
“In some ways, a millionaire just can’t win. If he spends too freely, he is criticized for being extravagant and ostentatious. If, on the other hand, he lives quietly and thriftily, the same people will call him a miser.”
—J. Paul Getty, billionaire
“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.”
—Bill Gates
“Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks with a billion dollars.”
—Warren Buffett
“Money doesn’t always bring happiness. People with $10 million are no happier than people with $9 million.”
—Hobart Brown, artist
“There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery: you can’t do any business from there.”
—Colonel Harland Sanders
“I’d like to live as a poor man, but with lots of money.”
—Pablo Picasso
* * *
MAKING MONEY THE ONASSIS WAY
> Wealth was such a burden for Aristotle Onassis that he never wore an overcoat. Why? Because if he wore a coat, he’d have to leave a big tip for the coat check girl (she’d expect it). And his coat would have to be expensive (rich people are expected to wear fine clothes). And since his coat was expensive, he’d have to insure it (someone might steal it). “Without a topcoat,” said Onassis, “I save twenty thousand dollars a year.”
In Saudi Arabia, a woman may divorce her husband if he doesn’t supply her with coffee.
INFAMOUS WEAPONS
We couldn’t find Uncle John’s old Fart Bazooka, but we managed to find some other famous weapons.
JOHN WILKES BOOTH’S GUN
The gun that Booth used to assassinate President Abraham Lincoln now resides in the basement museum of Ford’s Theatre, in Washington, D.C. The gun is a single-shot flintlock, made by Philadelphia gunsmith Henry Derringer. It’s tiny—just six inches total in length with a 2½" barrel—but it’s powerful, firing a .44-caliber bullet. The gun was found on the floor of the theater box where Lincoln sat. Also in the museum is the knife with which Booth stabbed one of Lincoln’s companions, Major Henry Rathbone, in the arm before Booth jumped from the box to escape.
What about the bullet that killed one of the most revered figures in American history? You can see that, too. It was removed during a post-mortem autopsy and was kept by the U.S. War Department until 1940, when it went to the Department of the Interior. It can be viewed today at the National Museum of Health and Medicine in Washington, D.C.
THE SARAJEVO PISTOL
On June 28, 1914, Gavrilo Princip shot and killed the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and his wife, Sophie, in Sarajevo, Bosnia. The assassinations caused a chain reaction of events which, within less than five weeks, led to the start of World War I. The gun was a Browning semiautomatic pistol, model M1910, serial #19074.
Princip, just 19, was a member of the Serbian nationalist group called the Black Hand. He fired seven shots into the royal couple’s car from five feet away, then attempted to shoot himself, but was stopped by passersby and quickly arrested. Princip died in prison of tuberculosis in 1918 (the disease was one reason he took the mission). After his trial, the pistol was presented to Father Anton Puntigam, the Jesuit priest who had given the archduke and duchess their last rites. He hoped to place it in a museum, but when he died in 1926 the gun was lost…for almost 80 years.
Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Page 33