by Claire Kent
“And you’re the self-designated protector? Perhaps the reason Julia needs me is because you don’t treat her like a fully functioning human. She’s strong enough to confront the truth. And I for one am not afraid of having her face it.”
“Stop!” Julia gasped, trying to heave herself to her feet. She accepted the hand Mike extended to help mostly because she needed it. “You’re both talking about me like I’m a puppet. I will not be the pawn in your little battle here. Just leave me alone for a minute so I can pull myself together.”
She was still dizzy but her stomach felt relatively settled. “I need to get home. We can finish this conversation there.”
She walked over and got into Mike’s SUV without saying anything else. Mike followed her over and then drove her home. Neither said anything. Drayton’s car followed them the whole time.
When they got home, Julia slumped in, their familiar furnishings looking foreign, almost surreal. It just didn’t feel like this could be her. It must be someone else, living in this apartment, with these two men, one of whom was a hit man.
She went to her bathroom to wash her face, brush her teeth, and regroup. She stood and breathed for a few minutes until she felt capable of handling the situation again.
When she left the bathroom, the men weren’t in the hallway. And they weren’t in the living room.
She found them in Mike’s room. “What’s going on?” she asked, although she realized at least part of the answer as she saw Mike had a suitcase open and was putting a few t-shirts into it.
“He’s leaving in a self-righteous rage,” Drayton drawled.
Mike’s jaw tensed but he ignored Drayton and instead answered Julia, “I’m not staying here. Not anymore. It’s been coming for a while now, and this is absolutely the last straw.”
For some reason, she wasn’t even surprised. It seemed inevitable. She couldn’t even blame Mike. “Are you coming back?”
“Not to stay. Not with him. I’m sorry if it hurts you, but this is never going to work.”
Julia was too battered to cry. “What about me?”
“Come with me, baby. You can’t stay here alone with him. You can’t trust him.”
“I believe she already made clear that she’s not as ready to abandon me as you are,” Drayton put in. “Just because you’re turning tail and running doesn’t mean she will as well.”
With obvious effort, Mike bit back a reply. His eyes didn’t leave Julia’s. “Come with me, baby.”
His face was passive, controlled, but there was something almost desperate and pleading in his eyes.
And the most horrible thing was that Julia was going to have to kill it. “I can’t, Mike. I wish you would stay. But I can’t go with you.”
His face froze for a moment before he gave a jerky nod and turned back to his suitcase.
“I can’t think enough to make any good decisions tonight. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what can happen after this. But you’re expecting me to choose between you right now, and I just can’t.”
It took a moment, but when Mike raised his eyes, she could see that he understood and accepted her statement. “So you’re going to stay here?” His question wasn’t a reproach as much as a genuine concern.
“I’m staying in my room. This is my home.” Her eyes drifted over to Drayton. “I don’t know about any of this, Drayton. I’m not choosing you, either, you know.”
“I understand that. I appreciate your giving me a chance, at least.” His sharp gaze made it clear he was implying Mike hadn’t done so.
Julia was too tired to reply. She just watched as Mike finished packing and then hefted the shoulder strap of his canvas bag over his shoulder.
“I don’t like to leave you alone here,” he murmured, one of his hands cupping her cold cheek.
“I’ll be fine. He’s not going to hurt me, Mike.”
She was sure of that, but she was touched by Mike’s hesitation.
“Lock your door. I’ll take the gun, unless you want to keep it with you.”
She shook her head. The gun wouldn’t have done her any good, even if she’d have wanted to keep it.
She would never be able to shoot Drayton.
Mike didn’t even look at Drayton as he said, “Call me if you need me.”
She watched him leave with an ache in her throat and for a moment had an almost irresistible urge to run after him.
But she didn’t. She had told him the truth. Making a gesture like that would be making a real decision, and she wasn’t in fit shape to do anything like that tonight.
“Thank you,” Drayton said softly. “For not leaving.”
She nodded. “I didn’t stay to have a cozy chat with you, though. I didn’t pick you any more than I did him.”
“I know that. But it would have been easier for you to just leave with him. And I appreciate the fact that you didn’t.”
She smiled at him, faintly. He was so much like the Drayton she’d always known. And so different than anything she’d imagined.
“I’m going to lie down,” she said. “Maybe later I’ll be able to figure some things out.”
“All right. I’ll be in my room if you need me.”
She did need him—as much as she needed Mike. And she couldn’t stand the thought of never having both of them again.
She got a bottle of water, went to wash her face and change into sweats. Then she got into bed, despite the fact that it was just after noon.
She couldn’t understand how she could be with two different men and still feel completely alone.
Ten
The next morning, Julia woke up feeling sick and groggy. She lay in bed for a few minutes, trying to fall back to sleep so she could forget about everything that had happened. Soon, however, she gave up and heaved herself out of bed to stumble down the hallway. Her head pounded, and if she was going to make it through the morning, she needed some coffee. Quick.
She fumbled with the coffee pot until she’d managed to measure the grounds, pour in the water and turn it on. Then she went to use Mike’s bathroom, since it was closer than hers.
On her way back, she stood for a moment and stared at Mike’s empty bedroom. The bed was made, but some of his clothes were strewn about haphazardly. Automatically, she picked up a pair of jeans and some white socks from the floor. His favorite Notre Dame t-shirt—worn thin and stretched over the years—was draped over the back of the chair.
She picked up the shirt, shaking her head fondly, and by instinct brought it up to her face. It smelled like Mike. And the scent made her suddenly so sad she dumped the clothes in the hamper and left the room.
The coffee was still brewing, so she stood in front of Drayton’s door and listened. The door was mostly closed and the room still dark, but she thought she could hear him breathing inside.
He was still asleep.
Drayton wasn’t a monster. He was a human being—one she’d lived with and cared about for more than a year, one who broke the law, one who had killed people before, one who had loved his father.
It was too much to wrap her mind around this early in the morning, so she traipsed back into the kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee.
As she drank it, she stared out the kitchen window. The autumn day was already bright—without any clouds and with a flawless blue sky. It was beautiful. Probably felt fresh and brisk outside.
Her eyes felt too big for her face, and her throat wouldn’t stop aching. The coffee helped clear her head, though, and when she finished her second cup she put the mug in the sink and headed back to her room to shower.
She stood under the hot spray for a long time, and because she felt so weird, she blew her hair dry when she got out instead of letting it air dry as she often did on Saturdays. She didn’t put on any makeup, but she got fully dressed in her favorite pair of jeans, a red hoodie, and her hiking shoes.
Drayton was getting some coffee when she went back into the kitchen. “Good morning,” he sa
id, turning around at her approach. His hair was messy, and he still looked half-asleep. He usually slept later than this.
“Hi.”
“You’re dressed early,” he said, taking in her appearance with green eyes that were sharp despite his grogginess.
“Yeah.”
They stared at each other for a minute. She felt awkward and nervous, but she managed to smile. “I don’t know anything yet.”
“Okay.” He sipped his coffee and leaned back against the counter.
She could see he was making an effort not to push, to hold himself back. It was a significant gesture from a man as passionate and willful as Drayton.
When she smiled at him again, it was more fully. “Thanks. I’m going hiking this morning. We’ll talk later, if that’s all right.”
Drayton smiled back—the same slow, alluring smile he’d given her on the first night they’d ever met. “Sounds good.”
On her way downstairs to the parking deck, Julia pulled out her phone to call
Mike. She’d dialed and listen to it ring before she realized the time. Just after eight on a Saturday morning.
She was about to hang up when he answered. It hadn’t even rung twice.
“Hey,” she said, feeling kind of stupid, although she wasn’t sure why.
“Is everything all right?”
“Yeah. It’s fine. Sorry to call so early. I wasn’t thinking.”
“I’m awake.” Mike sounded awake—fully alert and just a touch urgent. “Did everything go all right yesterday?”
“It was fine. I stayed in my room most of the afternoon. I tried to think, but eventually I just went to sleep.”
“How do you feel this morning?”
“Like crap. I’m going hiking—it’s a nice day and I need to get away. Get some fresh air.”
“Want company?”
“I don’t think so.” She felt kind of bad refusing, but she knew she needed to. “I want to do some thinking on my own. Before I…before I make any decisions.”
“Okay.”
His tone was exactly like Drayton’s had been. Holding back. No pressure.
“Are you all right?” she asked, standing in front of her parking space, too distracted to get into her car. The parking deck smelled dingy, like exhaust and closed-up air, so she breathed through her mouth.
She’d thought a lot about Mike last night and realized she didn’t even know where he’d gone. He must have had a terrible night. As bad as hers had been.
“I’ve been better,” he admitted, a note of thick ruefulness in his voice. “I feel kind of stupid this morning about yesterday—but I’m not sure how else I could have handled it.”
“It was a bad situation. There was no good way to handle it. Where did you stay last night, anyway?”
“Turn around.”
She turned, her quickening heartbeat recognizing what her mind couldn’t process until she faced Mike’s parking space.
His SUV was in its place, and Mike was sitting in the driver’s seat. Talking on his phone.
“Mike!”
Twisting his mouth in a self-deprecating half-smile, he explained, still talking on the phone, “I didn’t want to leave you.” When she was about to object to this sentiment, he continued, “I know you were sure you were safe with Drayton, but I wanted to stay close.”
“You could have just stayed in your room.”
“No. I couldn’t. But I couldn’t leave either. In case you needed me.”
The admission seemed to embarrass him, and she saw him cringe slightly.
There was no way she could be annoyed with him, however. Or even surprised, really. It was Mike. Quintessentially Mike.
“You big idiot,” she murmured, but her voice and her expression were fond.
“No argument here.”
They smiled at each other, through his front windshield, and Julia felt absurdly better.
“Go take a shower and clean up,” she told him at last. “I’m going hiking. I won’t be back until lunchtime. You should get some rest.”
“All right,” Mike agreed, straightening up in the seat of the car. “Be careful. Take your phone, and don’t go where there’s no signal.”
“I know. I’ll talk to you later.”
She hung up, still smiling at Mike. He looked exhausted and adorable, his hair sticking up and in desperate need of a shave.
He made her feel…strong. Everything else was changing but he wasn’t going to—at least not in any way that mattered.
When she drove out of the parking deck, he was behind her, but he turned off onto a different road after a minute. Julia drove out to her favorite trail through some wooded hills about an hour outside of the city.
It was a brisk day. Sunny and still mild for the time of year. The clean air cleared her head and invigorated her, and the distance between herself and her apartment helped her to see things more objectively.
A relationship with a criminal would naturally come with a lot of complications. Drayton’s dangerous profession seemed ridiculous to acknowledge—surrounded by trees and dirt and the woodsy smell of fall—but apparently it was true.
Learning this didn’t automatically break all bonds of loyalty and care she felt for him. The human heart—at least her heart—didn’t work that way. Drayton was what he was. The more urgent matter for her was where they would go from here.
She just didn’t see how, if a threesome dissolved, there could be anything left to be put together differently.
And that would mean she’d lose Mike.
That would mean she’d lose everything.
Climbing up the highest hill in the area, she felt determined to make a good decision. Not let them—either one of them—decide things for her. She might not have any real options, but she wasn’t going to fall into someone else’s agenda just because she felt helpless.
She would be fine on her own. And that might be the only choice remaining for her.
She hiked for an hour. Then sat for an hour—sometimes thinking and sometimes just clearing her mind and trying to relax. Then she hiked back to her car.
She was exhausted when she started driving back toward the city, and she immediately picked up her phone to call Mike, but she put it down before she dialed.
She needed to talk to Drayton first. Without Mike’s influence. She trusted Mike and knew he only wanted the best for her, but she didn’t trust herself not to cave under the strength of his will.
One thing she knew for sure. She couldn’t do anything until she’d talked to Drayton.
After being with him for so long, she owed him at least that.
When she got home, the apartment was quiet. Mike’s SUV hadn’t been in its place, which was a relief since his absence would allow Julia to talk to Drayton without disturbance.
She kicked off her shoes and threw her hoodie on a chair before she walked back to Drayton’s room.
He was stretched out on his bed, reading, but he put the book down as she came in. His eyes resting on her face, he sat silently. Watching. Waiting. For her.
Julia felt suddenly nervous—and kind of stupid standing in the middle of the floor. So she sat down on the bed. Then adjusted to lean back against the headboard next to Drayton so she’d be more comfortable.
Finally, she cleared her throat and said, “Why did you get together with me and Mike?”
“The same reason you did.”
“I was crazy about you both.”
Drayton raised his eyebrows, as if she’d just answered her own question.
It told her something, but not nearly enough.
“I don’t understand.”
Drayton paused before he answered, and his eyes moved from her face to stare out at a vacant spot in the air. “You won’t understand what doing what I do does to a person. It isolates you, from everyone. The human connection I found in you and Mike was important to me. It meant something. It means something.”
There was no way she couldn’t believe him.
He wasn’t trying to persuade her. His words were clipped and forced—and all the more genuine because of it.
“I don’t mean to be self-righteous or narrow or anything, but I think what you do—and everything you’ve gotten involved in—is wrong.”
“I told you—”
“I know you said you avoid violence whenever possible, but I still have a problem with it. For one, you’re the one deciding who deserves to live or die. And other people’s property isn’t yours to take, even if they can spare the loss.”
“I know. I never claimed to be a good man.”
“But you expect me to be okay with that?”
“I don’t expect anything from you. I’m just saying that what you’ve learned about me doesn’t have to change things between us.”
“But Mike—”
“Mike has made his choice,” Drayton interrupted, meeting her eyes again. “He’s not going to change his mind.”
“I know.” She swallowed hard. Despite everything, it hurt so much to admit to that truth. “How do you feel about that?”
“Not good.” He let out a little breath and shook his head. “But it’s his choice.”
“And you take no responsibility for it?”
“I take responsibility for lying. For keeping this secret. But we set this relationship up so there would be no obligations like that, and I’m not the one who has changed the terms. His feelings are the ones that have changed. His terms are the ones that have changed. Mine haven’t.”
“You changed,” Julia said.
“I can understand why it appears that I’ve changed,” Drayton began, his voice deepening with the enthralling timbre he always used when he was making an argument. “But I haven’t. My nature has always been the same, Julia. I haven’t changed. If you cared for me before, there’s no reason that has to change.”
She thought about that for a minute. Then asked bluntly, “Why do you want to keep doing jobs like that anyway? It’s not like you need the money.”
“Because that’s who I am.” Those words were spoken easily, naturally. But, after a pause, he added, more huskily, “It’s the only thing I have left of my father.”