“You swear she's single?”
“Now we're talking.”
“Stop that. I'm not gonna chase her. No way.”
“Your prerogative. I'm interested in training status. She in or out?”
“I'll get back to you.”
“Awh. I'm rooting for you guys.”
“Ugh. Being around her is impossible. I think it like raises my testosterone or something, kinda distracting but at the same time helps me focus.”
“Kynsey is majestic”
“Quit, I don't wanna think about it. If I'm not gonna have it, I'm not gonna want it.”
“Ha! You don't have that kind of self control, no one does. You can't help yourself.”
“Precisely. But I understand that. So I'll manipulate the situation so I don't have to deal with her.”
“And push the sadness into the bottom of a bottle?”
“Why did you laugh when you said that? That sounded evil.”
“I'm a dark Lilith.”
“Yeah you are.”
“Boy, you better quit. I'll make you back that shit up.”
“Please let me.”
“You tied up, both arms, both legs. Gagged, blindfolded, and I use any toy I want. On you.”
“Or we could talk about my drinking.”
“Nice try. We were talking about the way you use drinking in lieu of dealing with your emotions. The feelings you avoid.”
“My favorites are IPAs, but I like red wine, jaeger, jack, Evan or whoever, sour beers.”
“I have a toy called Evan.”
“Jesus, fine. I don't wanna hang out in her inner circle, and know about her fucking life and be the friend. I'd rather die. If she still doesn't want me, I want a new trainer.”
“Sounds fair. You do understand that you'll likely switch teams, and therapists, correct?”
“That sucks, you can't put in a request or something to keep seeing me?”
“Nope. Eduardolikes his agents and their trainers on the same team, same with therapists.”
“We should trade Kynsey.”
“Not gonna happen. She has seniority over you bub.”
“I guess that'll be the end of our love affair then Mama Maryam. It's been wonderful.”
“It certainly has.”
“How is her mission going? By the way.”
“Her first field report came in on time. She said security was tighter than expected, and that she would need some time to work. Second report is late, we should get it anytime now.”
“You said she's never late.”
“She usually isn't. Very studious that one. Probably has it written up and hasn't got a chance to send it yet. Well, I think that'll wrap things up here for today.”
DIVINITY LOG: Max Speer
LOG Entry: 17
09/02/2017
Kynsey is back. Black and blue as hell, apparently she got her ass whooped by some cartel henchmen. It actually hurt me to see her face that swollen, and to know I wasn't there to protect her. Her face is way too pretty for that. On the other hand, she's an agent, and she completed her mission. Gotta respect that. I was one of the first ones to barge into her room and check on her.
“Baby, what happened?” I asked. They told me she ran into troubles, but I didn't expect her jaw to be so swollen. Kynsey only shrugged, and smiled softly. “Kynsey. Thank God you're safe.” she was laying in bed, so I knelt beside it.
“Mission complete.” she said, smiling proud.
“My girl.” I took her hand in mine, and kissed the top. “I missed you.”
“How's training?”
“It's fine, but let's not talk about that now.” I said. “I'm so sorry, for talking shit about the other risk levels. I didn't know.”
“It’s okay. Now you do.” she said.
“The black eye is sexy.”
“It so isn't.” she said, not convinced.
“Yes huh! Are you crazy? It's sporty, rugged, and a good conversation starter.” I knew what I was talking about, black eyes go with fighters like munchies go with stoners.
“It's nice to see you.” Kynsey said. I could tell she was a little worn out, but I didn't want to leave. The softness of her hand in mine felt right.
“Of course.” we held hands in silence, and she closed her eyes. I watched her fall asleep, in awe of the woman she had grown into over the years since we had met. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I gave her a kiss on the forehead. It was in that moment, I knew that I’d always love her, that there was nothing I could do that would change it.
And I also knew that I had to change trainers. To give myself a chance to start over, a chance to heal. Because I could never let her go otherwise. I simply couldn't.
“I love you.” I whispered, and then left her to sleep in peace.
DIVINITY LOG: Kynsey Brixley
LOG Entry: 423
09/03/2017
That didn't go as planned. My eye is messed up, along with my jaw and the left side of my face. The cartel aren't nice people, and they had no problem handing out a beating when they thought I was stealing drugs. That in itself was actually a blessing, because they'd have killed me if they knew what I was really doing.
Everyone there was involved in shape or form. The whole place was full of guns and drugs. There were multiple fronts for the facility, a cleaning company and a small manufacturing plant. I believe those were run legitimately, outside of their existence being solely for the purpose of housing black market product, and washing some of the cash from the sales.
As far as my mission was concerned, I wasn't getting anywhere. I was on staff as a temp, answering phone calls, and was kept on a pretty tight leash. Had to let them know when I needed to use the bathroom, so they big time didn't want me moving around. Once I gained awareness of where some of my objective information was stored, I snuck off and got into the room to retrieve it. Only located some of it, and had to go back for a second try. That's when things free fell south.
Red handed, and in the act of snooping. There happened to be multiple bricks of cocaine hidden in the filing cabinets, so I was able to play it off as the junkie temp. That's when I was delivered to my holding area, and beaten. They tied me to a chair, and asked me all sorts of questions about who I was working for while occasionally feeding me a backhand. Not a pleasant day at work.
By the time they determined I was only trying to score some cocaine, I was tossed, quite literally, into the alley behind the building. First time I've ever been fired.
Lucky for me, I got most of what we were looking for, and the mission was deemed a success. The whole incident was terrifying, and regrettable. I need to get some rest, but it sure feels good to be back home and writing in the log again.
DIVINITY LOG: Maryam Hasaka
LOG Entry: 2108
09/05/2017
“She's great, but I can't do it. I'm in love with her Mama, and she doesn't feel the same way, I think it's important I detach and allow myself to focus on the mission.”
“And you believe having Agent Brixley as a trainer compromises that?”
“Through no fault of her own, yes.”
“Okay. I'll put it through.”
“Thank you.” Max said, and then followed his feet back to his scheduled training.
“Dammit.” I said, and fumbled through a folder to locate the form. Eduardowouldn't be happy to see it, but I had one more shot at setting things right. Kynsey. I knew that despite what Max said, he didn't have it in him to say no to Kynsey. If I couldn't get him on board, maybe I could get her instead.
PROJECT DIVINITY
Individual Therapy Log: Agent Kynsey Brixley
Therapist: Mama Maryam
LOG Entry: 188
09/06/2017
“I get it. I do. He's naive and in love. But I've been in the program, I’ve seen what he hasn’t.”
“Elaborate.”
“I was here when Simraki was killed. And the other agent.”
“Agent Booher.”
“Correct. I hardly knew them, but I went to their funerals and I saw the strongest people I knew stare down at their feet. I expected the tears, but not the guilt. I could see it in their eyes, they all felt personally responsible for his death in some way.” Kynsey scrunched her face, remembering. That day was still vivid for me as well. “It left a sick taste in my stomach, surrounding risk ten missions.”
“And that's why you can't see yourself with Speer?”
“He actively lusts for risk ten missions, and all their supposed glory.”
“Good attributes for a warrior.”
“Not for a husband.”
“Husband? Skipping straight to the H word huh?”
“Not skipping, but that's where it'd end up. Not a doubt in my mind. I tell him I don't love him for his sake, not for mine.”
“Doesn't seem to make him feel any better.”
“Not supposed to. I tell him so he will focus on training. If he knew how I felt, he'd push harder and harder until I relented. I can't take that. It's not any easier for me to deny him than it is for him to be denied.”
“I see where you are coming from, but look at it from his perspective. He sees you as the bad guy because you aren't being honest.”
“I can't tell him how I feel because he won't accept my decision. He thinks you should blindly follow the heart wherever it tells you to go, but I know better.”
“He's made a formal request to switch trainers, and teams.”
“We're killing training, I wish he would learn to separate personal and professional feelings. I'm sure he'll do fine with a new trainer though.”
“So you approve the request?”
“No. Hell no. But it's not my call.”
“I could have sent it up the chain already, yet here it sits.”
“What are you saying?”
“I'm not saying anything, but this will be approved. This is your last chance to stop it.”
“How?”
“Can I ask you a question Kynsey?”
“Of course.”
“You are young, single, beautiful.”
“Look at my face.”
“It'll go away. Don't deny your beauty Brixley, we pretties shouldn't forget the power of the matrix.”
“The matrix?”
“Womb. The matrix means womb, look it up. Anyway, after a year and a half of exclusive focus on your career as an agent for Project Divinity, I've yet to see you apply that same focus to your personal happiness. Why?”
“I don't know. I'm so scared. Risk ten missions are coming, along with an influx of trainees. This is a major change over, and people are going to die when we really get going.”
“Everyone dies Agent Brixley.”
“This is different. Max is different. You have no idea, I don't even wanna love him. I just do.”
“And he's about to walk out.”
“I just want him to be happy. And successful.”
“No man is ever gonna be truly happy without a good woman by his side. That's basic math sweetheart.”
“It would be so much. He brings out a lot in me, some of it is the worst. There'd be a lot of love, but in the end, I'd be looking down at his casket as it's lowered into the ground.”
“You don't know that Brixley. After your last mission, you should know well that it can be anybody, anytime. What about your happiness? What happens when you're staring down at his casket, and you're still single?”
“Don't say that. This is getting dark.”
“We all feel guilt, and shame, and doubt, and whatever else. That's life. Standard issue. So we do our thing anyway, and make it as meaningful to ourselves as we can. Gotta have something to shield you from the rain.”
“Yeah.”
“Can I speak informally?”
“You aren't already doing that?”
“You know what I mean. Can Mama slap you upside the head with some real shit?”
“Oh boy. Go ahead.”
“The divinity program is well aware of its inherent danger levels, that it's agents live a rough life. That's why agents are paired so meticulously, love bitten, so that they can find purpose outside of mission. It's called balance. You and Speer were no accident, but the plug is about to be pulled. You know how crazy life in Divinity is, if you leave each other's orbit, that might be it. You are afraid that if you let yourself love him, he's going to die and break your heart. But that's divinity. My opinion is that it'll break your heart if he dies either way, so from my perspective, and this is just me, you might as well be fucking his brains out, daily and nightly, and enjoying your training time together.” I paused, and when Kynsley had nothing to say, I continued on. “You're a woman, you have needs. He's the man to meet them. Look I understand your reluctance, it's a big decision. I'm not telling you what to do, nor would I ever. I'll support your decision either way, but I'll ask you to do this; sleep on it, take a day to decide if you let Max go to a new trainer. And when you ask yourself, don't try to protect Max, or act in anyone's interest but your own. What do you want? What feels right in your heart? I'll hold onto this request form until you tell me what to do with it.”
DIVINITY LOG: Agent Kynsey Brixley
LOG Entry: 423
09/06/2017
My head is spinning. I just wanna detach from it all and run away. For the longest time, I didn't let myself think about it because it felt almost impossible, and hurt my heart. Now here I am, confused as ever and forced to choose a play.
It comes down to a few simple things. I love him, I know that, but I need to know certain things. Is he willing to be strategic about risk tens? Is he willing to say no to them? Is he willing to take on missions that are risk rated under ten? Will he stop drinking? Or at least slow down significantly.
My own personal experience with the cartel only further frightened me. If Max were caught in a similar situation, as a ten, he’d be dead. That simple. But it also showed me that every mission is dangerous, and that Max would be putting up with me being in danger during missions at the same time. The difference of course, besides risk level, is the difference between his nature and mine.
It comes down to trust. I trust his heart, but can I trust him to survive himself? Can I trust myself to let him be Max, and not go mentally insane when he takes on a risk ten? Can I trust myself not to go insane if I let him go?
I must escape, so that's what I'm gonna do. Going to the beach on a two day pass, and I'm inviting Max to come along. I have to let myself entertain the idea, to let myself be in his presence in a non training environment. I have to talk to Max, and we have to make a decision together. There is a lot on the line here, as far as I am concerned. Not only will we be separated as trainer and agent, we will be separated period. I have to decide if that is something that I can handle. I've known that boy a long time, always loved him.
I was looking back over some of our old messages and texts, back before Divinity. It was effortless and pure, so sweet. A couple of crazies who were crazy about each other. He used to write me poems, and we would send things to each other. One time, I made a random comment that he should write me a book. He wrote it in one day, and I loved it.
And he's yummy. Has a six pack on his fat days, dimples, my favorite eyes. Being around him is difficult. Training him requires levels of self control that I barely possess. It's why I don't flirt back with him, at all. It would only spur him on. There's admittedly a fire between us, used to call each other twin flames and all that.
But I waited, and waited, and waited. The fire cooled, and I did everything in my power to ignore his existence. Imagine hearing that the love of your life is set to be divined, to enter back into your life, only to be denied. Again and again. And for stupid reasons, like constant drinking, not going to his MMA training, and worst of all for me, stupid random girls who didn't suit him at all.
I wasn't there for him after my divination, admittedly, but I wasn't constantly fucking up either. I wanted to help, but I wasn't allowe
d to tell him where I was or what I was doing. So I watched, and grew less impressed daily. Great heart, amazing mind, zero self control. A love for life, but no motivation. Low standards for himself. I admired how he could adjust to any situation and make the best of it, but I wanted to see some drive. To see what would happen if he chose to take hold of the wheel instead of floating by.
My training process became the most important thing, and I learned how to get by on my own, without him. Jaded by time, and being apart. He haunted my nights, until finally the tears quit falling. The sadness inverted to anger, and I could only roll my eyes at his obvious immaturity. I knew it had nothing to do with me, but it felt like a personal attack. If he would only have taken care of his shit, we could have been together.
The Divinity Page 7