by Eric Vall
“Remember how you summoned us, with a smear of your blood?” Cupi asked. “A piece of your soul is now bonded with us, Jacob. As we spend time together, enjoy each other both physically and emotionally, our connection will grow stronger. That’s why it is so important that we stick together and have as much fun as humanly possible.”
“That’s my boy’s middle name!” Todd clapped excitedly.
“Charles?” Liby asked, and I wondered how she knew my middle name.
“No!” the imp laughed. “It is ‘fun.’”
“Ohhhh,” the dark-haired beauty giggled and looked at me. “Yes, that would be a very fitting name for him.
“So, where do we go from here?” Todd asked.
“Not to be a Debbie-Downer, but I’m kind of starting to worry about this Earl guy you keep talking about.” I turned to Liby and Cupi as I spoke. “We’ve been together for almost a full day now. I’m sure by this point he’s noticed that you’re missing. We need to stay here and keep training so that we can be prepared in case he comes back.”
Todd clicked his tongue. “All work and no play makes Todd a dull boy. You heard the sexy demon women, Jacob. We’re supposed to be having fun!”
“I agree with the imp,” Libidine cooed. “We’ve had enough work for one day. Let’s go play instead.”
“Ms. Fallen Angel warrior?” I turned to Cupi, assuming that she was going to side with me on this one.
The athletic succubus just shrugged. “We’ve done about all we can with the power levels you’re currently working with. The only way you’re going to get any stronger is by the three of us strengthening our connection.”
“That’s the spirit, Cupi!” Todd clapped his hands together happily. “I know just the place. Hear me out on this one. There’s this little dive bar just down the road from here. Cheap beer, amazing nachos, and a total honeypot for all the babes in this part of town. It’ll be great!” Before any of us could even respond, Todd took off towards the horizon and vanished a few feet into his stride.
I looked at the succubi in confusion and shrugged. “Well, that’s far from the worst idea he’s ever had. I guess to the bar it is. Follow that imp!”
I pointed in the direction our friend had disappeared, and the three of us ran down the road towards whatever Todd had just gotten us into. It may not be blowing up shit with Hellfire, but I’m sure it was going to be a blast.
Chapter 6
“Voila, my friends,” the disembodied voice of Todd chuckled as he kicked open the doors of the dive bar. “Welcome to paradise!”
The sights and smells of Todd’s two-star establishment hit us like a freight train. The entire place reeked of cigarette smoke, whiskey, and a faint ammonia-like scent that I was just going to pretend came from an unknown mixed drink. As we walked through the bar, our shoes stuck to the sugary, alcohol-covered ground with each step that we took. Some sad country song blared over the radio as the four of us sauntered across the way to a high top table and climbed up into padded chairs.
“Four beers please,” I ordered from a server walking by. “Something strong and hoppy, if you have it.”
“Sure thing.” The man nodded. He scribbled down my words onto the notepad he carried and then hustled away to grab our drinks.
“Aw, come on,” Todd snickered. “You know I only drink the real hard stuff.”
“That’s not a good idea.” I shook my head. “Remember the last time you drank Tequila?”
“Can’t say that I do,” the disembodied voice of the imp replied.
“Exactly,” I laughed. “But the Pattersons in thirty-six B and I definitely remember. If I never hear that damn song again in my life it’ll be too soon. You must have played it like fifty times on full blast.”
“What song? You mean, ‘Dada dada da da da da-‘” the imp started to sing before I held up a finger to shush him.
“Beer is all I can afford for the four of us, so take it or leave it,” I chuckled.
“Look at that, sister,” Liby smiled as she slapped Cupi’s arm. “He gave us a fun time last night, and now he’s buying us alcohol. It’s refreshing to have a kind master for once in our lives. Unlike Earl or Azazel or Mammon. Remember that guy?”
“Unfortunately,” Cupiditas rolled her eyes.
Libidine turned to me to elaborate. “Mammon was our overlord before Earl. He had an entire legion of succubi, and his powers manifested themselves in the form of control over human wills. He could literally sweet talk anyone into doing anything he pleased. On top of that, Mammon’s desire for the biggest and best allowed him to call forth weapons and armor made from the strongest steel, forged in the pits of Hell themselves.”
“Sounds like my kinda guy!” Todd clapped. “He’s got all the babes, all the goodies, and he can make people do whatever the fuck he wants.”
“You said ‘former master.’ What happened to him?” I asked curiously.
Liby put her hand on Cupi’s shoulder. “He bugged Lilith, so she destroyed him.”
“Oh fuck. The original succubus.” Todd couldn’t hide the fear in his voice as the words slid out.
Liby looked at him, concerned. “That’s right. Even with his legions of succubi and immense powers, Mammon was little more than a bug to the Demon Queen.”
Cupi smashed her hand down on the table dramatically and leaned in to make her point. “So she squashed him like the cockroach he was. Blood and guts and gore were everywhere! I was there. It was quite satisfying to watch.”
“Uh… Things are getting a little too intense over here for me,” the imp declared as he started to shimmy off the high-top chair. “Now’s probably the time to go take a leak.”
I grabbed Todd by the arm as he passed by me. “Just the bathroom and straight back, alright? I don’t even know if you’ll need to use your invisibility powers. These guys are so drunk off their asses that they probably won’t even think you’re real, but we don’t need any trouble regardless.”
“Okie dokie, Mr. Ralston!” the imp shouted as he scurried off toward the back of the bar.
The bartender finally brought over our four bottles of beer, popped the tops off, and slid them into our hands before walking away. I raised mine to indicate a toast, but the two succubi just stared at me blankly. I nodded for them to follow suit, but instead, the two women just mimicked my facial expression.
“You’re supposed to raise them in celebration,” I smiled. “To awesome demon powers and new friendships.”
“Is that all?” Libidine let out a sly grin as she raised her bottle.
“To the best sex I’ve ever had, and the hope that there will be much more of it,” I continued.
“Oh, there will be more. Much, much more,” Cupiditas assured, her hand now raised into the air.
“To freedom from Earl!” Liby exclaimed.
“To freedom from Earl!” Cupi repeated.
“That’s something we can all toast to,” I nodded.
The three of us clinked our bottles together and then chugged the alcohol down our gullets in a single attempt. We ordered another round and downed them almost as quickly as we had the first. I hadn’t eaten much today, so I was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol already.
“Can succubi even get drunk?” I asked the two women across from me as my vision started to blur.
The two women both shrugged before Liby spoke up. “Well, don’t you want to find out? I’m sure you’ve been with a million drunken mortals. Can you imagine what it would be like to be with two drunken, horny demons?”
“Oh, I can imagine it alright,” I smirked as a hundred different images raced through my mind. “My only concern would be that you’d accidentally let loose your powers while we were in the middle of it. ‘Death by Orgasm’ isn’t exactly what I want on my tombstone.”
“That doesn’t happen,” Liby quipped. “Often.”
“Fuck it, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.” I slurred.
The bartender returned with another roun
d of beers, and I don’t even remember finishing them. My senses started to feel like they were blending together. I could feel the loud music pounding in my head and I could nearly taste the cigarette smoke that wafted through the room. Maybe I just needed to get something in my stomach to counteract the alcohol.
I reached down to pull out my wallet so I could order us up some nachos and realized that seven dollar tortilla chips with cheese were a luxury I couldn’t afford. A sigh left my mouth as I grumpily tossed my wallet on the table.
“Perhaps we could be of assistance?” Cupi suggested when she saw my frustration, and she motioned for the bartender to come over. “There are… other ways of paying for things where we come from.”
“What can I do you for, doll?” the man asked Cupi.
“Two orders of nachos, please. The saltier, the better,” she smirked.
“Sure thing! Do you want me to put this on his tab, or--” the man started to say.
Libidine’s violet eyes began to glow intensely as she leaned across the table and stared deeply into our server’s baby blues. “It would be very kind of you to give us those nachos free of charge.”
The bartender’s eyes narrowed into pinpricks as the dark-haired succubus’ spell washed over him. His entire body tensed up as Liby’s words seemed to echo through his brain. The bartender’s eyes returned to normal, and he rubbed his head in confusion.
“I, uh…” he tripped over his words. “I’ll go get you those nachos.”
As he walked away, Cupi gave me a devilish grin. “See? My sisters and I are quite persuasive.”
“Damn,” I laughed. “I should have asked you to order us a couple bottles of the high-end stuff!”
“Whoa, whoa!” Todd’s impish voice called up from below. “You got the party started without me?”
I stared down at my friend. “That must have been the longest leak in history. What were you doing in there? You know it counts as playing with yourself if you touch it more than twice, right?”
“If only!” the imp laughed. “No, I just ran into some dude in there who wanted to ask me a bunch of questions. Real classy looking guy. He was far too sophisticated for this place. Anyways, I think he was totally jealous of my tan.”
In a buzzed movement, I swiped Todd off the ground with both of my hands and held him in the air like I was showing him off. “Who wouldn’t want to marvel at you? You magnificent little imp!”
“Let’s play a game!” Liby said, and the four of us stumbled over to the dart board and tried our damnedest to get a game in.
Most of our throws ended up going completely off the mark and punched holes into the wooden wall. Todd struggled particularly hard as he had to launch his darts at an upward angle. Even so, he was the only one that was landing any on the target. He wound up his next throw, pulled back, and released. Just as the dart was about to hit the second-to-last ring, I threw up a purple barrier and laughed ecstatically.
“One of these days, Jacob. Straight to the moon!” he laughed as he shook his tiny fist at me.
We sauntered over to the pool table. Though the effects of the alcohol were now wearing off, I was still a bit too drunk to line up my shots. Liby and Cupi didn’t seem buzzed though, and they each took turns caressing the pool cues and bending over the table suggestively before they made their shots. Pretty much every single patron in the bar was watching them play, and I felt a surge of pride in my chest when a pair of hard looking biker dudes raised their beer mugs to toast me across the room.
The food arrived after the women finished their first game, and we all scarfed down the salty nachos before playing again. The food helped with the buzz a bit, so I set up the pool table for another round.
Then I saw Cupi and Liby both freeze in terror and dropped their pool cues when a well-dressed man walked toward us.
He cast a long shadow that stretched across the bar from the setting sun. He walked with a peculiar gait, nearly hobbling as his shiny black shoes clunked across the sticky wooden floor. The figure looked like your average slimy businessman, a gray suit on his body and sleek blond hair that appeared to have far too much product in it. What gave him away were his eyes, which shined a bright purple as they pierced into my very soul.
“Hey,” Todd said in a drunken stupor, “that’s the guy from the bathroom earlier.”
“Hello, Mr. Ralston,” the man nodded calmly. “My name is Earl, and I’m here to take back my succubi.”
Chapter 7
“Ahhh, you're the asshole that Libidine and Cupiditas don’t like,” I growled.
“What kinda name is Earl, anyway?” Todd giggled. “You gonna make me a sandwich?”
“It’s derived from the old English word for a warrior, if you must know,” the man in the suit laughed as he turned to Todd.
“It’s super gayyy,” Todd droned. “Gaaaayyyyyyyy.”
“But my name is irrelevant,” Earl hissed as he ran his hands through his perfect blonde hair and turned to me. “The thing is, Mr. Ralston, you have two of my succubi. Two of my best ones, I might add. They were supposed to fulfill their duties to you and your friend and then return to us. Thousands of people out there ask for their services by the hour, you know. What kind of businessman would I be if I denied them their wishes?”
“Liby and Cupi want to stay here with me,” I said with a shrug. I was trying to act cool, but in reality my heart was slamming into my chest.
I was mouthing off to a demon lord.
“I mean, you were talking to me in the bathroom,” Todd continued. “Who does that? Also, look at your shoes, so pretty. Do you have gel or something in your hair? Gaaaaaayyyyyy.”
“They let you call them Liby and Cupi?” Earl asked me as he tried to ignore Todd. “That means they really like you. Normally my succubi only use their pet names when they really like a client.”
“Jacob is more than a client! He is our new lord,” Libidine protested, much to the horror of Cupi.
“Your posture is really upright, too,” Todd kept talking. “Like someone rammed a broomstick up your ass or something.”
“Is he now?” Earl asked Cupi after he glared at the imp. “A mere mortal, a lord? I’m sure you’re flattered by their loyalty, but this isn’t the first time my succubi have tried to pull a stunt like this. It’s quite common, actually. These two are always finding some human who they claim is their new lord, who will protect them from me and Lilith and even Lucifer himself. And you know what happens to them all? They burn … or worse.”
“He’s lying!” Cupi spat from behind Libidine.
“Was that Cupiditas I heard?” Earl questioned, surprise evident in his voice. “You’ve never been one to step out of line, especially after what happened to Tristitia. You must really like this human! Maybe all three of you deserve a session with the torture master?”
“I dunno,” Todd said after he took another long pull of his beer. “I think ‘gaylord’ is more fitting that ‘torture master.’”
“Will you stop?” Earl growled at Todd. “This conversation doesn’t concern you, and my sexual preference is my own--”
“So you are a gaylord then?” Todd giggled.
“Hey, it’s not a big deal if Earl is gay,” I said with a shrug. “Different strokes for different folks.
“You both seem to not understand the thrust of the situation,” Earl sighed.
“Oh mah god you said ‘thrust,’” Todd giggled.
“I’m about done with your teasing,” the demon lord growled. “I am here for what is mine, and you two idiots aren’t going to stop me.” Earl’s gaze flicked between us in turn as he took a step toward the two succubi.
“They’re staying here, Earl.” I reaffirmed my position by stepping in front of my friends and facing down the pimp. “These two haven’t told me much about you, but from what they have told me, you seem like a real douche.”
By this point, the bar was silent as everyone now focused on the uneasy tension between myself and the man in the suit.
Earl didn’t seem to care about the attention. He just slicked back his hair and took another step toward us.
I’d had enough of his bullshit.
I pulled my arm back and thought about having sex with Cupi and Liby tonight. Almost instantly, a baseball-sized fireball appeared in my hand. I couldn’t feel the heat of my magic on my palm, but everyone else in the bar closed their eyes and let out a shot of surprise.
Then they all screamed when I threw the fireball at the demon as hard as I could.
The ball of flame hit the demon dead center in the face, and for half a moment it looked like he was going to fall down, but my magic did little more than knock his head backward and disorient him for a moment.
“Ow… You almost hurt me.” He mocked as he calmly pulled out a comb to restyle his mussed hair back into place. The screams of the other bar patrons filled the room as they tried to rush for the nearest exit. “Almost.”
“Cupi,” I said as I turned toward the succubus. “I thought you said demons burned!”
“Your powers are still budding, Jacob!” she cried out. “In demonic terms, that attack was little more than a punch from a toddler.”
My eyes bulged in disbelief at the succubus. “You couldn’t have told me that before I attacked him?”
“That’s okay! The Toddster is here to save the day!” Todd cried as he made a comical karate pose with a bent leg lifted in the air. “Come any closer and I’ll give you the old one-two.”
“Fool,” Earl sneered as he snapped his fingers. There was a whoosh of heat, and the next thing I know Todd had been blown backward in a cloud of burning cinders and ash.
“Todd!” I cried as he smashed into the far wall and slumped to the floor, flesh charred. He tried to move, but it was all he could do to meet my eyes.
“Jacob…” he coughed. “My best weed is in the closet…” He slumped to the ground and twitched.
“You killed Todd!” I screamed as rage exploded from me.
“I merely disciplined him.” Earl shrugged. “He will recover, should I allow it.” His eyes met mine, and somehow, his comment made me even angrier. This smug bastard thought he could do whatever he wanted.