“Good.” He tried to keep his words calm but couldn’t help the smile on his face. Stacey read him like a book.
“That good, huh? Where, pray tell, did you wake up this morning?”
“I’ll never say.” He laughed but she knew. How could she not? It wasn’t like his relationship with Sarah was a secret, but it was private and they still hadn’t discussed how much to share with others. “Sarah and Lily went to dinner today.”
“Wow, throwing her to the wolves so early in the relationship, huh? Are you trying to drive her away? I’ve been to dinner at your house. It’s not for the weak.”
“I didn’t think she was ready, but Joey blurted it out last night… and she wanted to come.”
“Wow. That’s big. So, to answer my first question…”
They both laughed as they turned the corner into the kitchen.
Jake stood at the sink, wiping his hands on a dish towel. He dropped the cloth and pointed his finger between Lucas and Stacey. “Kitchen’s spotless, so don’t mess it up.”
“We’ll clean up when we’re done, Dad.” Stacey took a bowl and spoon out of the cabinet and a pint of ice cream from the freezer. Lucas grabbed his own and joined her at the table. After scooping a generous portion into her bowl, she offered him the carton.
“So, what does she think about your job?”
Lucas’s hand stilled mid-scoop. Shit. He didn’t want to talk about this with Stacey. She wouldn’t understand why he hadn’t told Sarah. He couldn’t explain it… but things were good between him and Sarah right now. He just wanted to give their relationship a little time, build a stronger foundation before he sprang his job as a firefighter and his suspension on her. Until she knew him well enough to understand what drove him to act recklessly.
He shoved the big spoon of ice cream into his mouth.
“Oh, Lucas. You haven’t told her.”
He slid his spoon out between his lips. “It’s complicated.”
Stacey didn’t break eye contact with him, but her gaze softened. Maybe she did get it... at least a little. “So what are you going to do now?”
“The damage is done. I’ll wait until the shrink makes her report and decide after that.”
Her brows creased and her lips pursed. “You’re playing with fire, you know? You can rationalize all you want, but you’re just protecting your own ass.”
She grabbed her ice cream and strode out of the kitchen.
Lucas stayed put. He had been so wrapped up in his growing relationship with Sarah, his job as a firefighter had slipped his mind. Or, at least, that’s what he kept telling himself. Because getting back on the engine was on his mind constantly. But he had screwed up. Sarah’s husband died in a fire. They hadn’t talked about it other than the one time, but she didn’t seem to think too highly of firefighters. How would she react if she knew what he really did for a living?
LUCAS AND SARAH fell into a comfortable routine for the next couple of weeks. After he finished his shift most days, he headed to her house. Sometimes, she made dinner. Other nights, he brought carry-out. The three of them ate around the table like a family... but not quite. He couldn’t take the final step—to tell her he loved her—because of the secret that tore him up inside. Every day that passed drove an invisible wedge between them but he was the only one who knew it.
After Lily went to sleep each night, they crept into Sarah’s bedroom and made love. He grew to crave the feel of her body releasing against his, trembling beneath his touch. Her eyes darkening with desire as he undressed her. They had quickly learned each other’s bodies, how they responded, what drove them wild. He hadn’t thought it could get much better than their first time together, but it had. She had blossomed before his eyes… and he was growing more in love with her every day.
He never stayed the night. They didn’t want to confuse Lily before they had sorted out their relationship. He’d never expected to be dating a single mother. But if that’s what it took to spend time with her, he’d gladly sneak around as long as he had to.
He hadn’t told Sarah how he felt, at least not in words. He had willed each touch, each stroke to show his love for her. But she hadn’t told him, either. So they sat in this in-between stage, together but not completely. And she still didn’t know he was a firefighter.
He’d run out of time. His final appointment with Dr. James was next week. He expected to get cleared to return to full duty.
Then he’d have to find the words to explain everything to Sarah. His job, his role in Shawn’s death, what led up to his suspension… the overwhelming responsibility he felt when he was with Sarah and Lily and the deep-rooted need that drove him to protect them at all costs… his guilt ebbing away as he found love with her… and his understanding the impact his risky behavior had and could have on others. He knew what it would do to Sarah and Lily if something happened to him, and he wouldn’t take that chance. Not again.
He loved her. He was sure of it. He didn’t want to push her too far too fast. But she needed to know she was it for him. That he wanted to always be there for her and Lily, and he would wait as long as it would take for her to be ready.
He patted his pocket where he’d tucked the gift he’d picked up last week. The moment he’d seen it, he just knew it was perfect for her. He hoped it would take a place of honor on the gold chain she wore around her neck. She took the chain off and tucked it into her nightstand drawer each night before they made love, and he hadn’t asked her about it. But each day, there it was again, hanging around her neck, mocking him. He’d been tempted more than once to tug open the drawer to take a peek. But each time, he stopped, his hand hovering over the pull. She’d tell him when, and if, she was ready. Maybe this would be the thing to push her to reveal it. And besides, wasn’t he keeping a secret of his own?
Lucas pulled up to the curb in front of her house. He turned off the truck but didn’t climb out right away. This would not be an easy conversation. He was ready for her anger… and her tears. Damn. He never knew what to do when a woman cried. He just had to be patient. He would explain everything to her, over and over if he had to, until she understood. Not only why he’d waited to tell her, but also that he loved her.
He climbed her porch stairs and knocked on her door. He wasn’t ready to just walk in, despite her continued insistence. Not until everything was out in the open. He shuffled his feet and bounced on his toes. It wasn’t cold, but his body needed to move. He’d calm down as soon as he got this conversation over with.
He knocked again, louder this time. Why didn’t Sarah answer? Her car was in the driveway. She had to be home. What if something happened to her and Lily? Maybe they couldn’t get to the door.
After another nerve-wracking minute with no response, he jiggled the handle. Unlocked. That wasn’t unusual, not for Oak Grove, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He stepped quietly into her house, not sure what he’d find. He closed the door gently behind him and scanned the living room. A few toys were strewn on the floor, and a basket full of laundry sat on the couch. A fire burned low in the fireplace. Everything appeared normal. He poked his head into the kitchen. Empty. His pulse quickened. Something was off.
He rushed down the hall toward the bedrooms. Where were they? “Sarah, are you back here? Honey, are you okay?”
He peered into Lily’s bedroom and found her asleep on her bed. Thank God. He stood at the door for a moment and stared down at the little girl with her mother’s blonde curls and angelic face. If someone had told him a month ago he’d be frantic with worry over a four-year-old girl, he’d have laughed at them. But not now. She was safe and he was relieved, more than he could describe. He moved quietly into the room, tucked Lily’s blankets more securely under her and smoothed the hair down on her head. After staring down at her for another moment, he backed out of her room and closed the door behind him. He let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. One of them was safe. But he still didn’t know why Sarah hadn’t answered.
Her door was cracked open just a little. He looked in to find Sarah in the middle of the bed, her hands wrapped around her knees. She rocked back and forth as tears ran down her cheeks. Oh shit. Something was really wrong.
He rushed to her side. “Sarah, what happened? Are you hurt?”
She didn’t answer.
“Sarah, honey, talk to me. What’s going on?”
Sarah opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She just shook her head. Her eyes reflected pain and anguish. He didn’t know what to do. To see her in that kind of pain was like a spear to his heart. He pulled off his coat and shoes and climbed onto the bed with her, wrapping his body around hers.
She sank into him and he rocked gently with her. He rubbed her back and soothed her with his voice. Eventually, her ragged breaths steadied and her crying slowed. The crying hiccups finally subsided. She sat up and ran her fingers under her eyes, wiping the last of the tears that had fallen.
He shifted them both so he could look at her face. Her eyes were mournful, puffy and red and swollen from crying.
“What happened?”
Sarah lowered her head and refused to look at him. Had she found out about him before he had a chance to tell her? This was worse than he’d expected. What could he say to fix this? He had to make this better.
“Lily asked today if you could be her new Daddy. She doesn’t remember Alex anymore.”
He stilled, his mouth gaping open. If she was this upset about his relationship with Lily, what did that mean for the two of them? Did she not see him as a potential father for Lily?
“Alex has missed so much of her life. So many things have happened and he wasn’t here to see them. She’s growing up. She started preschool. She has her own friends. Now this. She barely remembers the father that helped bring her into this world and loved her with everything in him.”
Lucas wrapped his arms around her again. This wasn’t about Lily’s relationship with him, but about the lost time with her father. He’d expected something like this to happen. Alex hadn’t come up since that first day, but a lot had changed in Sarah’s life. Sooner or later, she was destined to hit a wall. Thank God he was here to comfort her as she did.
Sarah’s hand slid up to the chain around her neck. But instead of taking it off like she normally did, she pulled it from under her T-shirt and held it out.
A gold band dangled on the chain.
“This is my wedding ring. Alex put it on my finger the day we married and I had planned to wear it until the day I died. Even after Alex’s death, I had no intention of taking it off. But I moved to Oak Grove for a fresh start, so I forced myself to slip it off my finger. I just couldn’t get rid of it yet. I still needed it with me. That’s why I put it on a chain around my neck. It brought me comfort, and I felt connected to him to have his ring close to my heart.”
She pulled away from Lucas and stood, pacing to the dresser and back again. The entire time, her hand remained clenched around the ring. “Over these past few weeks, this time with you, it was like I was betraying you when I still wore it. But removing it felt like I was shoving Alex away. It’s ridiculous, I know. Deep down, I know he wouldn’t expect me to spend the rest of my life mourning him. He would want me to build a good life for our daughter and me.”
“I agree. I think that’s what he’d want.”
“But then, what Lily said today brought everything back to the surface.”
Lucas’s chest hurt as he witnessed her heartbreak. “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I don’t know... I don’t want to say the wrong thing here.”
She climbed back on the bed. “You don’t need to say anything. Just being here is enough. I know I need to get over this. To move on with my life.”
“Who’s to say when it’s time to move on? Not me. I’ve never been in your position.”
“But you have, in your own way. You lost your friend.”
“That’s nowhere near the same. Shawn’s death rocked me. I went to a dark place for a long time and I couldn’t see my way through to the other side. But you helped me. You and Lily. Because of you, I’ve moved past the guilt and the shame I’ve been carrying over his death. I want to do the same for you, Sarah, to help you. Just tell me how.”
“Just being here is helping. I’m sorry, Lucas. I’m such a mess.”
“Yeah, but you’re my mess.” He hugged her close and considered his next words carefully. “Listen to me, honey. I have a gift for you. It’s just something I want you to have. The timing may be perfect, or it may not.”
He climbed off the bed and grabbed the box out of his coat pocket. After he returned to her side, he sat facing her, his knees pressed against hers. A new wave of nerves grew. “This is from me to you. It reminded me of the beautiful woman that you are and your equally beautiful daughter. I love watching you with her. Maybe you aren’t ready yet, but I want you to have this for when you are.”
The creaking sound of the box opening filled the room, prickling at his already frayed nerves.
Tears filled her eyes.
Oh crap, this isn’t good. What could he do to salvage the situation? He turned to the door. Did she want him to leave? He looked back at her. Her hands flew to her mouth and her eyes met his. “Oh, Lucas, it’s the mother and child pendant I saw at the festival. It’s beautiful.”
She fingered the charm with one hand, her other trailing up to her neck.
“I know you’re not ready to replace his ring on your necklace. To be honest, until now, I didn’t know what you wore on the chain. I just knew it was precious to you.”
“Thank you so much, Lucas. It’s beautiful. And it means so much that you would get this for me. I love it.”
Sarah placed the box on the bed beside her and then cupped his cheeks, her warm skin calming his racing pulse. This was where he was supposed to be. She pulled his face to her and kissed him, her lips soft and giving. His body tightened with each kiss, the gentle press of her lips driving him up and up until he’d had enough and took control, tilting his head and deepening their connection. Her body relaxed into his and he felt the moment she surrendered, stroking her tongue over his until both of them were left breathless.
She pulled away from him. Was that just a sweet goodbye? Before he could reach for her, beg her to give him another chance, she stretched her hands up. She struggled for a moment and then pulled her hands away from her neck, the ends of her gold chain in either hand. Now that he knew what hung on the chain, he understood why she took it off each night. He stuffed down his jealousy for a dead man—the one who still held her heart each morning when she put his ring back on.
Sarah closed the clasp and placed it on her night table. He could only hope she would soon be ready to close the door on that part of her life and move forward with him. But if she wasn’t, he’d stay by her side until she was. He was a patient man, and he could wait.
She turned back to him and lay down, tucking herself under his arm. They lay like that for a few minutes. Sarah played with his shirt as he ran his hand up her side. His fingers brushed along the underside of her breast. She didn’t pull away. He did it again, loving the soft feel beneath his hand.
She turned toward him and smoothed her hands up his chest and around his neck. Looking straight into his eyes, he saw a confidence in hers he didn’t expect when she said, “Make love to me.”
She didn’t need to ask twice. He answered with his lips pressed against hers.
Chapter Twenty
SARAH SANK INTO the kiss. Lucas’s lips were soft but firm on hers. He shifted them and lowered her to the sheets, but his lips never left her mouth. He slid his arms beside her head, cradling her, and fitted his body firmly over hers. Their bodies molded together perfectly—soft curves to hard edges—and his weight over her body was safe and secure.
He tickled his fingers over her face gently, reverently, and then threaded them into her hair. She had to close her eyes. Experiencing his touch on her body and what it did to her was easier t
han watching him. His gaze overwhelmed her and made her feel things she wasn’t ready to. His tongue invaded her mouth and she followed his strokes with some of her own. He broke the kiss and traced a wet path toward her ear, where he sucked the lobe between his lips. Oh God, it was too much. Every time with Lucas, he found new ways to turn her insides into mush. She arched her back, urging his mouth to explore the rest of her body.
“You like that,” he whispered, a chuckle in his voice.
It was a statement, not a question. He knew exactly what he was doing and what it did to her.
Her body trembled and every last thought flew out of her mind. He kissed across her collarbone to the hollow of her neck then moved to her cleavage, running his tongue between her breasts.
“Off,” she panted as she reached for the hem of her T-shirt. “I need it off.”
Skin to skin. Her body craved his. She ached for his fingers on her breasts, her belly, everywhere. She needed to touch him, but he stopped her. Instead, he grabbed her wrists and held them above her head and held her wrists firmly against the pillow. “Leave them there. I want to see all of you,” he said against her mouth.
She lay before him exposed, even with her clothes on. He studied her body, his gaze devouring every inch of her and sending prickling shivers along her spine.
She wanted to lower her hands but didn’t. Her arms shook with need, and she curled her fingers into the pillow and squeezed, straining to hold on, to keep her body from vaulting off the mattress and wrapping itself around him.
When he reached the hem of her T-shirt, he slid it up, just a little, and placed a gentle kiss on the patch of skin he exposed.
She writhed. “More. I need more,” she panted.
He inched her shirt up and circled his tongue around her navel.
Her skin burned where he touched her. Every nerve ending from her toes to her hair was on fire. Her arms ached to pull him to her, to wrap them around him. She craved his touch.
He chuckled and placed a gentle kiss on her belly.
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