“Yeah,” he said on a breath.
This must be bad if it affected him this way. She didn’t know the right thing to say. She tried to think of what would have comforted her when Alex died, but came up empty. In the end, nothing anyone said would have helped her. She’d just needed to work through it on her own.
All this time she’d dated Lucas, she’d known he was a paramedic with the possibility to respond to victims of a fire. But the reality hadn’t smacked her in the face—that he would suffer as much as everyone else involved.
“The couple in the apartment where the fire started died. The man suffered from Alzheimer’s and had put a pot on the stove and forgot about it. By the time anyone realized what had happened, the fire had spread up the walls to the upper residences.”
“That sounds horrible. Did you have to treat any victims?”
He huffed out a breath and clenched his hand into a fist beneath hers.
Something else was going on. Maybe they’d lost another firefighter... maybe another friend.
She willed her strength to flow to him, to comfort him. He was probably in shock. She had been in the first minutes and hours after Alex’s death.
Lucas stared into the room, his eyes unfocused, his voice almost robotic. “There was a little girl, about three or four, I guess. I’m not exactly sure. She shut herself in the closet, probably thinking the fire couldn’t get to her there.”
“Oh, Lucas,” Sarah cried. She wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek to his chest. His heart raced beneath her ear.
“She lived on the second floor. We almost didn’t get to her before the captain called to clear the building. The smoke was so thick. We couldn’t see through our masks.”
She continued to hold on to him.
“The mother was hysterical. She thought her daughter had run outside when they heard the sirens. We had to restrain her… to keep her from going back in after her daughter.” He pulled a deep breath. “We got into the apartment. I couldn’t see through the smoke. We were low on oxygen and the captain had just called us back when I yanked open the door to a closet. There she was, crouched in the corner. Her bright red pajamas were covered in soot. She was barely breathing. I carried her out, sharing my oxygen with her every few steps. But it was too late... she died.”
Lucas slammed his fist against the couch, jarring her head off him.
As Sarah moved closer to him again, she smelled the acrid stench of smoke. It was coming from his clothes. The smoke she’d smelled earlier, she’d assumed it had come from him standing at the scene. But this smell was so sharp it stung her nostrils. Lucas had gone into the fire after that little girl. What was he thinking? They had firefighters for that. He was just a paramedic. He had no business going in.
She leaned up, the stench and her own misgivings churning in her stomach.
“I don’t understand. Why did they send you in? Don’t the paramedics wait until the fire crew brings the victims out?”
Lucas paled, his brows furrowed and his breath quickened. But he didn’t meet her eyes. “I’m a firefighter, Sarah. That’s what we do.”
She reeled back, the words striking her as hard as if she’d been physically slapped across the face. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest, each thump driving a knife in her heart as his words echoed in her mind.
She stood on shaky legs, her hands trembling as she paced across the room and then back. She sat beside him but refused to touch him. She opened her mouth but no words came out. She closed it again. What could she say that would make this okay? Nothing could help her understand. “You’re a paramedic.”
“I’m a firefighter and a paramedic.” He pursed his lips then raised his eyebrows, like he finally realized why she didn’t understand. “I was on sixty-day suspension from firefighting when I met you.”
Her mind reeled as she processed what he said. Her legs shook and she stood. She just couldn’t sit beside him. Not right now.
“So, all this time, you’ve been lying to me about who you are? What you do?”
He ran his fingers through his hair, a clear sign of frustration. “No, I haven’t been lying to you. Is this really the time to be discussing this?”
“I don’t know. When would you suggest? Maybe when I have to bury you, too?”
“Honey, please sit down so I can try and explain.”
“Don’t call me honey!”
“I didn’t keep a secret from you. Not exactly. I am a paramedic—and a firefighter. I took my EMS training last year. We’re a small company and I increased my hours to fill a need. Turns out, I enjoy being a paramedic.” He huffed out a breath. “I’ve talked about Shawn. I told you about the guilt I felt over his death. After he died, I started screwing up. For a while, the rest of the company covered for me. But I ended up in a bad place and got worse until a fire about ten days before I met you. I risked my own life, and the life of the rest of my crew, for something stupid. We barely got out alive. Captain suspended me for sixty days but kept me on the EMS crew. That’s how I met you the day of your accident. I’ve been on EMS duty ever since. I just got my clearance to return to full duty yesterday.”
Lucas reached out his hand to her, but she yanked hers back and tucked it onto her lap. She couldn’t touch him right now. She’d heard the words but their meaning was still foreign to her. Lucas… in a fire. “You never told me.”
“I know, honey, and I’m sorry.”
Sarah bolted to her feet, her blood boiling. His calm demeanor was pissing her off. He acted like this was no big deal. He didn’t get it. He obviously didn’t get her. “Don’t call me honey. Don’t… just don’t.”
“I planned to tell you the night I came over and found you crying. I knew it was important for this to be out in the open for us to move forward in our relationship. You weren’t ready to hear it that night, and I guess I never found a good time after that.”
“Never found a good time. You should have made the time. I cannot believe you kept this from me. Me. You know what happened to Alex. I’ve told you I never wanted to find myself in that position again. Alex’s death was an accident. I know that now. You risk your life in a fire every day—voluntarily. How can you think that would ever be alright with me?”
Lucas came to his feet beside her, reaching his hands out to her. She stepped back.
“Being a firefighter is safe. We have safeguards and precautions—”
“Don’t tell me about precautions. How many people died today, Lucas? How many? What about Shawn? Where were the safeguards and precautions when he died? And what about Alex? Where were…” Tears streamed down her face.
“Oh, sweetheart.” He reached for her.
Sarah reeled back. She couldn’t do this. Not again. “No, no, no, no, no. I need you to go. I can’t—”
“But….”
“No. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you. I can’t go through that again. No, I’m not strong enough. I should have stuck with my original plan to raise Lily alone. It’s safer that way. Please. Just go.” She pushed Lucas away. She was pleading with herself now. Her hands shook. Why wouldn’t he just go before she completely broke down?
“Honey, I don’t want to leave you upset like this. I’m sorry. I really am.”
The look in his eyes nearly broke Sarah’s heart again. She could tell her words hurt him—that he’d been shaken by the fire—but she could barely focus on herself right now. She couldn’t worry about Lucas. If only she could fall into his arms, tell him everything would be okay and she could love him despite this… but she couldn’t. She didn’t have the strength. She’d been through it once, and that was enough. She had more to think about than just herself now, too.
“I didn’t mean to keep this from you. I love you, honey.”
Her heart nearly stopped. He’d never told her he loved her. She loved him, too, but that didn’t matter now. Heat rose on her cheeks as anger built in her gut. “What did you say?”
He held up his han
ds. “I said I love you.”
“You don’t get to say that to me. People who love each other don’t keep secrets.”
“Is that right?” He leapt to his feet, redness creeping up his cheeks and his brows furrowing. “How long did you hide from me that you still wore his ring? Even after you slept with me, you put his ring back on. How do you think that made me feel?”
“This is not about Alex, and you know it.”
“Well, let’s make it about him. Did you think that maybe I didn’t tell you what I did because I knew you would overreact?”
“Overreact? It’s not possible for me to overreact. Alex died in a fire.”
“I know. You’ve reminded me over and over. You said you moved here to start a new life for you and Lily. But have you really? His picture is still on the goddamn mantle. Right there.” He gestured across the room, his arm snapping toward the fireplace. “It’s staring at me every time I kiss you. And you’re still wearing his ring, even right now, aren’t you?”
Lucas tugged the chain out from beneath her T-shirt and swung it in front of her face.
How dare he? He shouldn’t be touching the one thing she had left from her love with Alex. She ripped the ring from his hands and tucked it back in.
“I don’t think what I do for a living is really the issue here, is it?” Lucas spat at her.
“It’s not about Alex. This is the only issue I can deal with right now. Your job. Don’t you think I had a right to know before we got involved? Before I slept with you?”
“Honey, we were involved from the day we met. We had a connection from the first minute I saw you in the coffee shop. When would have been the right time to tell you? Right after you told me Alex died in a fire? You tell me.”
“I don’t know. I just… I can’t do this anymore, Lucas. Please. Just go.”
He stared at her another minute before he walked to the door and pulled it open. He turned back to her. “I love you, Sarah. I mean it. But I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you’re angry about here. And whether you really are ready to move on, because it sure doesn’t seem like it to me.”
He pulled the door closed behind him.
Sarah crossed the room and laid her hand on the doorknob. She didn’t know what to do. She loved him. She couldn’t take losing him like she’d lost Alex, but maybe they could talk about it. Maybe when things were calmer, she could make Lucas see reason. Make him understand where she was coming from.
She snatched open the door just in time to see Lucas tearing away from the curb, his tires screeching. He didn’t look back. She closed the door again, pressing her hand against it, leaning her head down. Her love for him and her fear of losing him waged a battle in her mind and in her heart.
You know he isn’t the problem here, Sarah. You are.
Tears poured down her face, her knees buckled and she sank down to the floor.
Chapter Twenty-Five
GOLDEN BEER SLOSHED in Lucas’s mug, foam overflowing the side and coating his hand. He’d been sitting at the end of the bar at J.J.’s for the past hour—or two. Time had little meaning to him right now. Since his argument with Sarah six days ago, he’d been walking around in a fog. It had been quiet at the station, thankfully, because he didn’t think he could have focused on a call right now. For the third night in a row, he’d come into J.J.’s, sat on a stool at the end of the bar, and nursed a beer. He just couldn’t stand to stare at the emptiness of his apartment anymore. The quiet bombarded him and the walls stared back at him accusingly.
“Hey, hot stuff,” Carla said as she shuffled behind the bar.
He spared her a forced smile.
“I’m sorry, honey. No word?”
Apparently, his relationship status with Sarah had again become fodder for the gossips in town. He shouldn’t be surprised. The beginning of his relationship had been big news in Oak Grove, why shouldn’t the end? It didn’t seem to matter that he didn’t want to break up, but he could only do so much when she wouldn’t speak to him.
Every call he’d placed had gone directly to voice mail. Every text he’d sent unanswered. He’d driven to her house many times, sat across the street and stared at the closed curtains. The first few times he’d gone by, her car had been in the driveway. At least she had been at home, maybe even looking back out at him. For the past few days, though, her driveway sat empty, the house dark. He couldn’t bear it if she’d left town because of their fight. Even if they didn’t end up together, she needed Oak Grove. She’d come so far in starting her new life here, despite the accusations he’d hurled at her. He hadn’t meant them. Not one word. But that hadn’t stopped him from lashing out at her in anger. He just needed a chance to apologize—and grovel, probably. But she wouldn’t speak to him.
He lowered his head back to the beer in front of him, lifted the mug and swirled the amber-colored liquid in the glass before placing it back on the bar. He’d drunk enough beer that first night to last a lifetime—and had the hangover the next day to prove it. No matter how much he drank, though, the numb fog didn’t wipe out the memories of the little girl’s limp body being lifted out of his arms. It didn’t block out the image of Shawn’s body, lying lifeless in front of a fully engulfed home eighteen months ago. And it definitely didn’t drive out the memory of anger and grief intermingled with tears running down Sarah’s face. Memories of the past and the present swirled around in his head until he would have done anything to get rid of them.
“You’re dragging down the mood of everyone in the room, sitting there crying into your beer like that.” Joey flung a bar towel over his shoulder and propped his foot on the brass bar mounted on the back of the counter.
Lucas recognized the stance. Joey wanted to talk. But Lucas didn’t want to talk to anyone. He spun around on his barstool. The few couples sitting at tables or booths around the small dance floor looked fine to him. No one seemed worse off based on the sad sack at the end of the bar.
He turned back to his beer.
“No word, huh?”
Lucas glared at Joey.
“Whoa, man.” Joey raised his hands up in surrender. “Sorry I asked.”
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. No, no word from Sarah.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“What can I do? I’ve called her. I’ve texted. She won’t answer. I’ve driven by her house and it doesn’t even look like she’s home. Much more of this and people are going to call me a stalker.”
“If they don’t already…” Joey covered his words with a cough. He chuckled. “Sorry, man.”
“I get it. It feels like that sometimes.”
“But back to my original question. What are you going to do about it?”
How much should Lucas share with Joey? His father and mother and the rest of the town likely knew the basics. Sarah had dumped Lucas’s ass. He hadn’t wanted to break up with her. She hadn’t been seen much, if at all, around town, and he was sitting at the bar moping, feeling sorry for himself. Few people actually understood the details of why they’d broken up. But Lucas knew.
He should have told her about his career long before he did. He’d intended to. He’d been ready to and then got side-tracked. That wasn’t a fair assessment, though, if he were honest with himself. He was chicken. That was the reality of it. The guilt he felt over Shawn’s death mixed with the fact that Sarah has lost Alex to a fire created an impossible situation for Lucas. One he waded into with his eyes wide open. But Sarah’s weren’t because he’d kept this from her. Guilt drove him to it. Guilt that he hadn’t told Sarah up front about his career. And shame. He hadn’t wanted to see the rebuke, the blame in Sarah’s eyes that he saw in his own each time he looked in the mirror. He knew she would look at him differently if she’d realized the extent of his involvement in Shawn’s death. If she’d realized exactly what he did for a living. He couldn’t bear it if she blamed him, too.
Sarah helped him to see hope for the future. She
gave him a reason to stop taking risks. A reason to come home at night.
He hadn’t wanted to lose that feeling. And he knew he would if he told her... so he hadn’t. Joey was right. Lucas was chicken shit. He should have manned up and told Sarah as soon as they started spending time together. By keeping this information from her, he didn’t give her a chance to make an informed decision about her life. He’d decided for her.
For the past week, he’d imagined what would have happened if he’d told her sooner. The words had been on the tip of his tongue for a long time, but he hadn’t thought she was ready. But then he’d blurted it out while they were arguing. How stupid could he have been?
He’d screwed so many things up, he didn’t know if he could fix it or not.
“Her husband died in a fire,” he said quietly to Joey, who had been standing patiently as Lucas brooded.
“Oh, man. I didn’t know that.”
“Not many people do.”
“So, she doesn’t like that you’re a firefighter.”
“She didn’t know… until the other night.”
“You really are an ass.”
Lucas lifted his gaze to Joey. He was right. “Don’t you think I know that? I didn’t mean to keep it from her. It just happened, and now I don’t know what to do.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You can lie to everyone else, but don’t sit here and lie to yourself. Admit what you did and decide what you’re going to do to fix it. I think maybe if you stop wallowing in your own self-pity long enough, you’ll figure it out.”
With a final look at Lucas, Joey headed to the other end of the bar.
Lucas sat for a bit longer. Joey was right. As much as Lucas hated to admit that his younger, ladies-man brother knew something Lucas didn’t, he had been lying to himself, just as he had been lying to Sarah. He needed to fix that first. After tossing several ideas around in his mind, he landed on the one that should solve all his problems with Sarah.
One Last Risk Page 22