First Love

by Amy Brent

  Everything in my life had been so perfect, which should have probably been a giant red flag to me. I never had a perfect life like that. It was just not in my cards. Apparently, Emma and my new family weren’t in my cards either at that point. I stomped my feet up and down trying to shake the frustration out of me.

  “I’ve seen you do a lot of things in the length of our friendship,” Trevor said from the doorway. “But an all-out temper tantrum in your office had never been one until this moment. I have to say, buddy, it really doesn’t look good on you. What is going on with you?”

  I looked up at him with complete dismay, not believing that he didn’t know the answer to his question. I had told him as soon as everything had happened, and he knew I was struggling through it. That was one thing about Trevor that drove me nuts. He had no concept of how long it took to get over something like this, not that I had the faintest idea either.

  “Ahh,” he said, nodding his head up and down. “It’s the girl. Are you still chasing her? I feel like you’ve been chasing after this girl since February.”

  “I have been,” I sighed. “With a small little interlude when I actually caught her, but that was over as quickly as it started. She won’t answer my calls, my texts, nothing. She has completely shut me out. The only person reaching out is Josie with her snide text messages about making my life hell. She has succeeded, my friend. My life is officially a living hell.”

  “You’re being very dramatic right now.” Trevor chuckled. “Also, something I’m not used to from you. Why don’t you go down and tinker in the shop? That always makes you feel better. Maybe you’ll come up with some genius invention.”

  “Yeah, right,” I scoffed. “I’d rather go home and curl up in my bed until someone has to peel me out of it, surrounded by chicken buckets and grease. That, my friend, is dramatic.”

  “Buddy, listen,” he said, leaning forward. “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but no one else is going to do it. You need to move on from this, put it behind you, and keep going forward. Obviously, this time it’s completely over, and no matter how many times you call her, you’re always going to get that voice mail. Things got fucked up, I get it, but you can either die over it or remember that life you had even before you met Emma. Your company, your little girl, they need you right now, and you, my friend, are dropping the ball big time.”

  I leaned back in my chair and stared up at the ceiling, spinning it back and forth. Trevor was wrong about this. It wasn’t over for good. I couldn’t let it be. I tilted my head to the right and left, thinking about Emma and how she looked before I’d left to run errands.

  “You do remember that this was more than just a girl,” I said. “She’s pregnant with my child. My baby is growing inside of her, and one day it would be born, and I need to be there for that. I don’t just want to be there for the baby. I want to be there for Emma too. To me, they are not separate entities.”

  “You know you can’t do anything for that child or with that child if she doesn’t want you involved,” Trevor said. “It sucks, but that’s the way the world works.”

  “There are avenues I can take,” I said. “But that’s not what I want. I’m not looking to take the baby from her. I want to be in its life and her life. I want the damn family we’d made plans to have.”

  “I’m sorry, man,” he said, letting out a deep breath. “Listen, there’s a band playing at the bar tonight during happy hour. Why don’t you come with me? Missy has been asking about you, and I bet she could relieve some of this stress.”

  “I appreciate it,” I said, pulling my hands down and turning toward him. “But I need to be with Sicily. She’s still taking Emma’s exit pretty hard, and we need to be there for each other.”

  “All right man.” Trevor stood and walked to the door. “You know how to get me if you need me.”

  I watched him walk out of the room, and I went back to my glorious pity party. I didn’t want to feel this way, but there was nothing besides her coming back that would change that. I shook my head and grabbed my things, happy to be done with the day. I headed out to the car waiting to take me home and climbed inside. It was an overcast day, and it fit my mood perfectly. When I got home, my mom had left a note that she was helping Sicily with her homework and would send her up when she was done. I moped around for a few and then cooked dinner for Sicily and me.

  “Hey, Dad,” Sicily said, coming in the door about an hour later.

  “Hey,” I said, mustering a happy tone. “Just in time for dinner.”

  Sicily went and washed up as I set our plates of food and drinks at the table. I sat down and smiled at her as she took a seat across from me. I watched her as she sat there with her hands in her lap, looking over at Emma’s empty chair. She sighed and looked up at me, and I knew she had kept her silence long enough.

  “Dad,” she said.

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t know what happened between you and Emma,” she said. “But I know she loved you and you love her. You had to be blind not to see it. You need to get her back.”

  I chuckled, spooning sauce over my spaghetti and handing Sicily the bowl. I sat there for a moment, thinking about what to say. How could I possibly explain this whole thing to a seven-year-old? She may be a genius, but she was still a kid and had no real comprehension of how the world worked, especially not adult relationships.

  “Sicily, if it were that simple, she would be here right now,” I said. “Life is not that simple, and I don’t expect you to get that. You will understand when you get older how these things tend to work. I’m sorry that you’re hurt that Emma is gone. Trust me, I wish I could magically clap my hands and get her back, but I can’t.”

  “That’s crap.” She slammed down her fork.

  “Sicily,” I said, trying to calm her.

  “No,” she said. “Adults always make things so dramatic and so stupid. It is that easy. You just go to her, tell you that you love her, that we need her, and that whatever happened, never should have. It is that simple. You’re just scared. You’re scared because, for a second, we were going to be happy.”

  “Sicily,” I said, watching her stand up.

  “And what about my brother or sister? Are you just going to let them go because it’s too complicated?” she shouted out as she turned and walked to her room, slamming the door.

  I was completely caught off guard by Sicily’s reaction. I knew she was upset that Emma left, but I hadn’t realized how important Emma was to her. I stared over at her plate, thinking about what she’d said. Maybe I wasn’t giving my daughter enough credit. Maybe I was the one who didn’t understand. She had such a childlike way of looking at it, and that was almost a blessing. She could cut through the bullshit and see what really mattered. She could see that I loved Emma, and she loved me, and in the end, that was all that mattered. She had bonded with her new sibling before it had even arrived, and in the back of my mind, so had I. She was right, I couldn’t let that go without a fight.

  I wiped my mouth and put my napkin on my plate, pushing back and crossing my legs. Maybe all I needed to do was get on a plane, go to Camden, and make her listen. I was complicating everything because I was scared. That was something Sicily had picked up on really fast. I wasn’t scared of having a family, though, I was scared of finding out that the dream was really dead in the water. If I kept fighting myself, fighting her voice mail and texts, and fighting Josie’s snide texts, I would never be able to fix this. I would always keep wondering if there was a chance, wondering if my child was out there somewhere with the love of my life thinking about me.

  Chapter 32

  Emma

  I was at the two-week mark from when my life had come tumbling down on top of me. I tried to tell myself and convince others that I was doing better, but on the inside, I still felt empty. The cry that night a week before hadn’t done anything for me except make my eyes swollen and dehydrate me. I was like a walking robot, unsure if I was going to ever feel anything
other than unhappiness ever again. My mind wanted to feel better, it really did, but my heart would send shooting pain into my stomach, and I would be reminded of how shitty everything had gotten. I was trying to give myself time to heal, trying to make myself start to integrate back into society, but it really wasn’t working that well. That day I was out with the girls, following around after them trying to feel better.

  We sat down at the café and ordered our lunch, and I watched all the people walking around in a happy daze. I wanted to be one of those people so badly, the kind of person who was completely oblivious to how cruel the world could be. I could feel the girls staring at me, but I had gotten used to that feeling at that point. They were always staring at me, trying to decide what to talk about next.

  “So, how are you feeling with the pregnancy?” Gillian asked. “Are you still nauseous?”

  “Sometimes,” I said, forcing myself into the conversation. “Not as bad as the beginning, but definitely worse than when I was in New York.”

  “Do you think it’s the stress?” Caroline asked.

  “Probably,” I said.

  “Have you thought of any names for the baby yet?” Gillian asked excitedly.

  In reality, I hadn’t and really didn’t have any plans on thinking about it at that time. Maybe when I felt better I would, but at that time, I didn’t feel pleasure in anything. We sat there talking about the baby, the nursery, and everything else that didn’t have to do directly with Brandt for about an hour. I pushed my food around, eating enough to make them happy but stopping there. I really had no appetite and only ate enough to stay healthy. When we were done, we headed over to the department store in town for Caroline to get some shopping done.

  I browsed around through the racks, looking at all the clothes that wouldn’t fit me, just trying to get my mind to concentrate on something other than Brandt. It was driving me insane, and it was starting to make me really frustrated. I was more than some rich guy’s ex-girlfriend, and I’d had a life before him. I just couldn’t seem to remember what it was like. I sighed and walked around the corner, grabbing onto the rack as the place spun slightly around me. I rubbed my belly, feeling a tightening sensation and a pain in my back.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Caroline said, walking up.

  “Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I said, smiling. “Just got a little dizzy. It happens sometimes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah,” I said, brushing it off and figuring it was the anxiety and stress that was plaguing me at every waking moment.

  “Come look at the maternity clothes.” She smiled. “You need some new clothes.”

  “All right,” I said, taking her hand and walking over to that section. “Maybe I can find some sweaters. I’ve been so cold the last couple of days. I even turned my air conditioning off, and I am still freezing.”

  “Okay.” Caroline smiled. “They actually have a bunch on clearance.”

  We walked over, and I browsed through the sweaters, picking out a couple and trying them on for Caroline. She chose three of them, mostly ones that were open in the front, and I smiled, trying to be excited about new clothes. I ended up picking out a couple of pairs of pants, a couple tank tops, and then went over to the baby section for the first time. Retail therapy seemed to be brightening my mood a bit, so I was going to go for it. Caroline pulled me over to the bedding section, and we talked about the different choices. I really liked the blue and grey cloud motif and so did Gillian. I told them we could all come back the next week and do a baby registry, which of course, thrilled them.

  When we were done there, I went over to the clothes and picked out two little outfits, stopping at the stuffed animals and pulling out a furry bunny. I held it tightly to my chest, thinking about my future as a single mother. Before the tears started to collect, I took a deep breath and headed to the register. I needed to get out of there before I got upset again. Caroline jumped in, not letting me pay for anything.

  “It’s my treat,” she said, smiling. “Because I love you and that baby.”

  “Thank you.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek.

  The three of us walked hand in hand down the escalator and to the doors. The automatically slid open, and I looked down trying not to trip over my own feet. I felt both of them squeeze my hands tightly as we exited, stopping abruptly.

  “Guys,” I said, looking up, and then my smile quickly faded. “Brandt.”

  “Come on, Emma,” Caroline said.

  “Emma, please,” Brandt said, putting up his hands.

  “You need to just keep walking,” I said, swallowing hard. “You need to go.”

  “Emma, I flew all the way here. Again. I just want two minutes of your time, please,” he said. “Just hear me out. Whatever you think you know, it’s not true, and I can prove it. There has been a huge misunderstanding, and if you would listen, I can explain everything.”

  “Enough,” I screamed.

  I stood there getting angrier by the second. I clenched my fists shut and closed my eyes, trying to calm down, but I couldn’t. My head was filled with visions of Josie, sitting in the living room of his apartment, crying about how he had told her that they had a chance to fix things. I could see her face, the pain that was on it, the truth spilling out of her. I could still feel the sledgehammer that hit me in the chest that day, and it was still there, still stuck in my broken and bleeding heart. How could he have the audacity to come back here and try to tell me something different like I was stupid? Like I didn’t know the difference between lies and truth. My heart was pumping in my chest, and for the first time since I came back, I was actually feeling something, and that feeling was complete and total rage. I wanted to tear him apart right there in the street.

  “Emma,” Caroline whispered as I opened my eyes and looked at her. “He’s not worth it. Let’s just go, come on.”

  “She’s right,” Gillian said squeezing my hand. “You don’t have to do this anymore. You don’t owe him a thing. You’re in control of whether you let him get into your head. Don’t let him make you even more upset than you already are. Hasn’t he done enough damage?”

  Gillian was right about one thing; he had done enough damage to my life and to the life of my child. He had turned me into a self-loathing, pitiful human being because of the lies he told. And as he stood there looking all broken up, I just got more enraged. How dare he act like he was in so much pain. I was the one who was suffering, not him. I let go of Caroline and Gillian’s hands and walked up to him, getting inches from his face.

  “I never, never, want to see you again,” I said. “I want you to turn around, get in your car, get on your plane, and go back to your other family in New York City. Leave me alone, leave my child alone, and don’t ever come back here again.”

  I paused for a moment, watching a single tear trickle down his cheek. For one moment, just a glimmer in my timeline, I felt like maybe I was wrong. Seeing that tear pushed a seed of doubt right into my mind, but I wasn’t going to have that happen again. I remembered the promise I made to myself, the naiveté that I had shown when I had let him back in the first place. I stiffened my jaw and clenched my shaking hands. I shook my head and turned, taking two steps and stopping. My feet cemented me in place, and I looked up in confusion at Caroline and Gillian. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through my stomach, and my knees buckled. I grabbed onto my belly, my bags falling to the ground. I moaned out, letting my entire body lay on the sidewalk.

  Everything moved in slow motion from that point on. I lay there whispering to my baby, telling it to be strong, telling it I was right there. I could feel a tear trickle down my face as I stared at the fuzzy bunny lying halfway out of the bag. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk, and everything around me was hazy.

  “Emma,” Caroline screamed, running over and bending down beside me.

  I could hear her asking me questions, but it was like I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying. All I could think about was my baby and how much
pain I could feel. The street was spinning around me, and I closed my eyes tightly, trying to get rid of the movement. I breathed in and out, feeling my heart racing in my chest. I didn’t know what was going on, but at that moment, all I could feel was fear and helplessness. I opened my mouth and whispered the only thing I knew to say.

  “Brandt.”

  “I’m here,” he whispered, pulling his head away from me. “Caroline, where is your car?”

  “Right over there,” I heard her say frantically.

  “Go, get it started,” Brandt yelled.

  I opened my eyes as Gillian picked the bunny up off the ground and out of my view. I was afraid to move, afraid that if I even so much as wiggled, everything would fall apart. Brandt leaned over and pushed his hands underneath my body and lifted me up in the air, cradling me in his arms. I lay my head on his shoulder, knowing whether I liked it or not, he was the only thing that was going to get me to the hospital at that moment. I could feel every footstep vibrating through my body as he jogged down the block. All he kept saying into my ear over and over again was how sorry he was. He ran up to Caroline’s car, and Gillian opened the front passenger door. He gently sat me down and pulled the seat belt around me, rubbing my forehead and looking me in the eyes before pulling back and slamming the door. I watched out the window as he stepped up onto the curb and put his hand to his head, watching Caroline pull out into the street and race off toward the hospital.