Annie strained to remember. “Wait a minute. How come you’re talking to my mother? My mother never liked you in high school.”
“She likes me now!” Scott said. “I even brought the tape you loved, Annie. The one we used to make out to. I saved it.”
Annie regarded Frank with a definite Ew look on her face.
Frank shook his head. “If Scott tries anything funny, I’ll punch him out. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try haunting him. Go.”
Annie and Scott walked past Mr. Bitterhausen and Ivan who were entering a limo in the parking lot. They both scowled at her. Ivan said, “You av in twouble!”
“You’re the one in trouble, bucko.” Annie jabbed her index finger at him. “Maybe wherever you’re from, you can get away with threatening women. But we’re in Wisconsin. You don’t threaten pageant judges in Wisconsin.”
“Don’t want to be starting fights.” Scott grabbed Annie’s arm and led her to the Corvette. He opened the door and gestured at the passenger seat. “Especially not with that guy.”
“In my countwee, pageant judges vwear fanzy clos-es.” Ivan laughed. “Zum pageant judge you are. Hah. Hah.”
That’s when Annie remembered “As” which stood for Arsenic—Not really. “Where I come from we have a name for people like you. Asshat!”
Scott slammed the door shut, waved like Mr. Congeniality at Ivan and Bitterhausen. “She meant to say ‘Pass the hat.’ Give to charity and all that. See you at evening wear!” He strapped himself into the driver’s seat, revved the engine and fumbled with the stick. He accelerated.
“Did you get along with Frank Plank?” Annie asked.
“What do you mean by that?” Scott shifted the stick in the wrong direction. The 'Vette’s engine screamed and the car stopped abruptly. Annie’s neck whiplashed.
“I heard you were pushing Frank’s dad to sell you some of his property,” Annie said.
“It’s not a crime for me to invest in my home town.” Scott revved the engine and maneuvered the 'Vette from first gear to second. He ground his teeth as he attempted third.
“Patsy Plank wouldn’t let Frank’s dad sell. They were saving all their holdings for Frank. Did that make you angry?”
Scott’s face flushed as he fumbled with the stick shift. The car sputtered. “Why would I be jealous? I don’t need Plank property. I’m well on my way to becoming a land baron.”
“Got it. But Frank was really handsome. And popular,” Annie said. “He’s a hometown darling. You—well the jury’s out.”
“Popular?” Scott fumed. “I’m a pageant judge. I’m a sought after bachelor in the southeastern part of Wisconsin. It’s not like I’m lacking for dates. You should have seen all the women hitting on me at Suzy DeLovely’s post opening ceremonies party. Why weren’t you there?”
Annie frowned. “I never got an invite. Did you get an invite?”
“Of course I got an invite,” Scott said. “Hey, don’t worry about my popularity. Besides, I’m just being nice to you for old times’ sakes.”
“Got it.”
“Third time’s the charm?” Scott toyed with the stick and they puttered off down Lac LaBelle Lane. Annie silently congratulated herself for never sleeping with Scott.
“You always liked to play with fire,” Scott said. “Bitterhausen’s bodyguard could’ve cremated us with one poke of his fat, steroidy, muscular finger. Besides, I don’t think Bitterhausen’s a suspect in Frank Plank’s murder.”
“Why do you think Bitterhausen didn’t kill Frank?”
“Because Bitterhausen has—”
A spit-polished vintage Harley zipped past with a roar that drowned him out. Lila DeLovely straddled the bike and rode it like a pro. Her long silky black hair flew behind her from under her helmet, along with many daisy chain necklaces.
“I didn’t hear you,” Annie yelled.
“Because Bitterhausen is—”
Bitterhausen’s limo gunned it and swerved past them, killing Scott’s answer.
“Repeat, por favor—” Annie said.
“Because Bitterhausen is actually—”
In the near distance, Lila revved her Harley. A shiny town car with dark tinted windows and fluttering country flags zoomed past them, obliterating Scott’s words.
“As I said—”
WNOC’s van nearly sideswiped the Corvette. Scott swerved onto the grassy roadside and shoved the stick into park. “Shit!” His hands shook.
“No worries, Scott-o.” She’d just remembered her pet name for him. “I’ll drive.”
A minute later, Scott sat in the passenger seat and Annie maneuvered the 'Vette back onto the lane. “Relax,” she said.
Frank perched next to Scott and massaged his temples.
“Your mouth to God’s ears because I’m suddenly feeling much better.” Scott opened and closed his mouth. “No jaw click. Can you believe it? First time in years I haven’t had a jaw click.”
“Oh, my God!” Frank said. “Scott Puddleman felt me touch him? What does this mean?”
“You’re most likely becoming more in touch with your powers,” Annie said.
“Sweet,” Scott said and leered at her.
Annie spotted Lila’s Harley, the town car and the WNOC van pulled over in a thin line on the side of the road. She hit the brakes and slowed down.
Lila frowned and flipped her helmet from hand to hand as she listened to Prince Frederick who was dressed in a tux. He leaned in and tried to reason with her. She pouted, tossed her silky hair, a few daisy chains and stared at her feet.
Frank gazed out the passenger window. “Lila’s so beautiful. And crazy. And smart. And now she’s with this guy. Why couldn’t I be there for her? What was wrong with me? I’m a loser.”
“You’re not a total loser.” Annie pulled a Youie across the two lanes and parked the Vette on the roadside.
“What do you mean by that? First you compliment me and then you put me down. What are you doing?” Scott asked. “You can’t just park this car anywhere! Mommy will get upset.”
“Tell Mommy to have a cocktail. You have binocs?” Annie asked.
“Doesn’t everybody?” Scott opened the car’s glove box, pulled out tiny binocs and handed them to Annie.
“Thanks.” She rubbed the binoc’s lenses on her hot pants, put them to her eyes and stared at the Lila debacle unfolding yards from her. Thank God, these binocs were not as stinky as those her brother used while deer hunting. She honed in on the drama happening on the side of the road.
A shiny black Escalade screeched to a halt behind the WNOC van. Suzy threw open the driver’s door and jumped out, light as air. She was dressed in a full-length creampuff gown—totally appropriate pageant judge attire. “Lila Jean Delovely!” Suzy put her hands on her hips and squared off in front of her daughter. “Your mother is not happy.”
“Then why are you here?” Lila dropped her chin and met her mom’s gaze.
“Because I got the call. And like every good mother who gets the call, I answered it.”
“I can make up my mind all on my own, Mother.”
“Really?” Suzy raised one eyebrow. “Remember the shoplifting incident?”
“One time. I was a minor,” Lila said. “Community service. Served. That’s all you got?”
Suzy’s face twisted. “How about when Jagger and Timberlake courted you at the same time? You wanted Frank Plank. I told you no. That he was still unavailable. That he would always be unavailable.”
“That’s not true,” Frank said.
“I don’t think 'courting' is the appropriate word,” Lila said.
“Then you waffled about Jagger, I told you to hold out for Timberlake.”
“And where did that get me?” Lila said. “He’s with that beautiful actress. I miss Frank!”
“You got the cover on US Weekly, several ads featured in Vogue UK, multiple mentions in The Enquirer and a spread in Celebitchy.”
“I don’t care about the tabloids! None of that matters to
me. That’s what you care about.”
“All that coverage led you to Prince Frederick. Your fiancé,” Suzy said.
“Olaf, roll camera.” Stephanie thrust her mic in Lila’s face. “Is it true your upcoming marriage to Prince Frederick of Fredonia will be held in Oconomowoc this holiday weekend, Ms. DeLovely?”
“Aargh!” Lila threw her helmet on the ground. She stomped down the roadside. She passed Prince Frederick’s town car, the WNOC van, Suzy Mae’s Escalade and moved away from the carnival.
“Lila, come back here immediately. Give Ms. Storms her interview,” Suzy said.
“Lila, my lieibchen.” Prince Frederick pulled a black velvet jewelry box from his pants pocket and held it toward her. “Poppy has a new prezzie for you?”
Lila didn’t turn around or skip a beat. Just kept on walking.
“Can I take that as a yes?” Stephanie followed Lila and poked the mic in her direction. “Yes, you are getting married in Oconomowoc this weekend. And Mr. Bitterhausen, Prince Frederick’s younger brother, will be his best man.”
Lila jammed her hands on top of her curvy hips. Turned and faced her mother, her fiancé and Stephanie. “Have you never heard of ‘space’? Just give me some friggin ‘space’!”
She dodged a couple of cars as she raced across Lac LaBelle Lane to the Corvette. She leaned in and stared down at Annie through the driver’s window. “You’re Annie Graceland.”
“Uh, yeah?” Annie said.
“Frank Plank had a picture of you in the middle drawer of the nightstand in his room. I saw it once when I was snooping. He said that even though you were just his babysitter, you were like a super hero to him. He said when you put your mind to something, you could do anything. Now’s your chance to prove it. I beg you. Get me the hell out of here?”
Scott shook his head. “Too tight a fit,” he said. “Can’t mess up Mommy’s car.”
“Hop aboard.” Annie nodded toward the passenger door.” She turned the key in the ignition as Lila raced to Scott’s side of the 'Vette, flung open the door and crawled inside.
Stephanie, Suzy Mae, Prince Frederick and Olaf, rolling camera, hovered on the opposite side of the lane waiting for a break in traffic. “Lila Jean DeLovely! Stop this nonsense immediately. This is your mother talking!” Suzy yelled
“Ouch! Oh! Hmm. Ooh!” Scott said as Lila situated herself on top of him.
Annie revved the engine and screeched out into holiday traffic. “Whooh hooh!” she shouted and peeked at Lila’s wardens in the rear view mirror. They looked pissed.
Frank Plank’s Franks and Beans
Ingredients:
One lb. navy beans
Two tablespoons brown sugar
Two tsp salt
½ cup chopped onions
¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper
Two tablespoons blackstrap molasses
¼ cup ketchup
½ cup pure maple syrup (not cheap pancake syrup – the good stuff)
One cup water (This is separate from the water needed to boil the beans)
Two thick strips of bacon
Two packages, 12 oz each, of polish sausage (your favorite brand/variety) cut into small pieces
Instructions:
Boil beans in a large pot of water for an hour. Rinse and drain beans. In a large Dutch oven, sauté bacon until cooked but not too crispy.
In a large bowl, mix beans and all other ingredients. Pour this into the Dutch oven covering the bacon and the bacon fat. Cover the Dutch oven and bring to a boil. Turn down the heat to a simmer and let cook for two hours.
Check the oven periodically to make sure there is enough liquid in the pot. If not, add ½ cup water at a time. Stir periodically.
Serve warm, not scalding. Great dish on a cool autumn day.
Recipe courtesy of Charlotte and Zach’s Mom.
Seventeen
Easy on the Curves
Annie drove the 'Vette at a reasonable speed down Lac LaBelle lane. Her driving motto was simple: no animals would be harmed when she was behind the wheel. This motto did not include bugs.
Lila sat on Scott’s lap. There was no room for her long legs, so she draped them out the passenger window.
Scott squirmed beneath her. “Don’t nick anything, I beg you. It’s a custom paint job.”
“Chill, Scott-o. If you’re lucky, they only thing she’ll be nicking is you,” Annie said. “Look, Lila, I’m not going to be all touchy feely, politically correct and suck up to you like everyone else does. The exception being your mother.”
“I don’t have a problem with that,” Lila said.
“Good. As Frank Plank’s former babysitter and friend, I know certain things and I’m pretty fired up about knowing more. Right now I need to figure out who killed Frank. And why.”
“Give her a reason,” Frank said as he gazed into Lila’s eyes. “Have you ever seen eyes so soulful? Poetic? Beguiling?”
“I know you once cared deeply about Frank. I care—I mean cared deeply about him too. In a different kind of way,” Annie said.
Lila nodded. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Good girl.” Annie patted Lila’s head.
“Two hands on the steering wheel!” Scott exclaimed.
Annie poked Scott’s arm with her index finger. “Funny, that rule didn’t apply when we were dating and driving.”
“I was a teenager!” Scott said.
“You were a teenager who was constantly trying to cop a feel.”
“Weren’t we all?”
Annie harrumphed. “Lila, I need you to share the skinny about your creepy soon-to-be brother-in-law, Mr. Bitterhausen. Do you think he’s a suspect in Frank’s murder?”
“A guy whose talent is scrapbooking? Do you know what else he likes?”
Annie shook her head.
“Cupcake Wars.”
“That’s perfectly understandable.”
“I met Fredrick years ago at some gig or fashion show in Fredonia, I don’t remember when exactly,” Lila said. “I regaled his court with stories about growing up in Wisconsin. How our winters were filled with cold weather sports. Our summers were a blast with sizzling hot weather, thunderstorms, amazing fishing, swimming, and water sports. And in the fall we had football. Heaven! And with the exception of my family, for the most part the lifestyle here is relaxed and chilled. You know what their reaction was?”
“What?” Annie almost missed the entrance to the Lake Lodge and hard turned the car into the parking lot, tires squealing as they all leaned into each other.
“Easy on the curves!” Scott said.
“You should have thought about that in high school,” Annie snapped.
“They thought Wisconsin sounded like utopia,” Lila said. “Mr. Bitterhausen isn’t just any wacko. Albert Skibaldi was the Duke of Fredonia. He moved to the tiny town of Bitterhausen, Wisconsin, to live his life in freedom. He gave up his throne and title to be himself. I don’t even think he knew Frank Plank. And if he did, I doubt he’d care. He’s happy here.”
“Then why all the drama?”
She sighed. “They’re royalty. It’s bred in their precious bones.”
“He still irritates me.” Annie parked the car in front of the main entrance. “Thanks for the ride, Scott-o. I really appreciate your help.” She exited the Vette, as did Lila, who wiggled out the passenger window.
Scott sat in the passenger seat, looking perplexed. “I thought we were reconnecting. You know…”
“We reconnected just fine. Besides, you were just being nice to me for 'old time’s sakes,'” Annie tossed him the keys. “But the show must go on. Now that my luggage is here, I need to get ready for evening wear. Squee!”
“Can I tag along?” Lila asked.
Lila, Frank and Annie looked up as they heard the roars of a motorcycle and other vehicles approaching the Lake Lodge.
Lila sighed and clutched her head with her hands like a vise. “I bet Frederick already told one of his men to return the rent
al Harley. I just need a little freedom.”
“She needs a safe place to hide out. Just for a bit,” Frank said.
“Come on.” Annie grabbed Lila’s arm and they raced toward the Lodge entrance.
Lila held a bouquet of hand-picked daisies and stood behind Annie in the quiet hotel hallway. Its floors were covered in industrial teal-green carpet flecked with mahogany. The walls were lined with a soothing floral pattern wallpaper that picked up the carpet’s accents. Lila’s phone rang incessantly until she hit the mute button. “They’re trying to track me down,” she said. “They’re always trying to track me down.”
“I’m surprised they haven’t slapped a Model-Jack on you.” Annie slipped the key card into the lock of her hotel room door. It made a click sound and she pushed the door open. “How do you stand it?”
“Obviously, not very well.”
“Just one tiny second…” Annie poked her head inside and quickly surveyed the room. No Julia having sex with Mr. Dells. No Grady skulking about doing whatever he was trying to hide. Then she spotted her suitcase sitting boldly on the small foldout luggage tray in the closet alcove. Her striped carry-on bag complete with the Blackhoof tag and her ID was here. It was flippin’ beautiful!
She felt her heart pitter-patter. Finally! Her fancy clothes that she had begged, borrowed and bought on a dime were at long last within her grasp. She looked at the clock. She had fifty minutes before countdown to evening wear.
She opened the door to her hotel room and gestured for Lila and Frank to enter. They did. “I’ve got to rock and roll to get ready in time. Make yourself at home. There’re daiquiris in the fridge. Snackies in the minibar.”
She lunged for her suitcase. It was wrapped multiple times with 'Thank you for traveling with Blackhoof' tape. She pulled at the tape. It didn’t budge. “Is there a knife or something sharp by that fridge?”
“Corkscrew?” Lila asked.
“Perfect.”
Lila tossed the corkscrew. Annie caught it. Lila opened the door to the mini-bar and pulled out a drink and a plastic wrapped treat.
Annie sawed through the tape over her bag’s zipper. “I’ve been jones-ing to get a little baking done. The munchies in this place taste like they were baked in 1912,” she said.
3 Cupcakes, Pies, and Hot Guys Page 13