A warm hand envelops mine as my eyesight slowly adjusts to my surroundings. The white walls, regular beeping of a machine someplace behind me, and the elevated cot I’m resting on confirms I’m in the hospital. “Dad,” I try to say, but something is obstructing my airwaves. Panic sets in, and my eyes pop wide as I try to move around in the bed.
Dad stands, pressing a button by my bed as he leans in close. “Relax, Emily. You’re in the hospital. You’re hooked up to a ventilator, and you have a tube in your mouth and a feeding tube in your nose.” He runs his hand back and forth over my hair. “Don’t panic, princess. I’ve buzzed the medical staff, and they’ll come remove them.”
The door swings open, and a man wearing a white coat over dark gray pants walks into the room, followed by a woman wearing a blue, cotton dress uniform. “Ms. Parker. It’s good to see you’re awake,” the doctor says, smiling as he approaches my bed. “We’re going to run a few tests, and then we’ll remove both tubes. Try to stay calm.”
A half hour later, I’m free of all tubes with the exception of the one in my hand, which is hooked up to a drip. Dad stayed with me the entire time, and it’s the only reason I didn’t fully freak out. “What happened?” I rasp. My throat is sore, and my voice sounds hoarse.
“Here, honey.” Dad lifts a glass with a straw, holding it up to my mouth. “Remember what the nurse said. You need to take tiny sips.”
I take small sips before pushing his hand away. Dad places the glass on the bedside table, pulls a chair in closer to my bed and sits down. He threads his fingers through mine. “I thought I lost you,” he says, and I’m shocked to see tears pool in his eyes. “You overdosed, Emily, and you’ve been in a coma for three days.”
It all returns to me in a flash, and my heart speeds up. The monitor behind me starts beeping wildly.
Dad smooths a hand over my clammy brow. “You’re safe now, honey. And you need to stay nice and calm. I only just got you back.”
Pain slices across my chest as everything jumbles in my brain.
“Why, Emily? Why did you do this? I thought we were rebuilding our relationship. That you knew you could talk to me about anything? If you were struggling again, you should’ve come to me. I told you no judgment, and I meant it.”
Tears spill out of the corners of my eyes. “I’m in so much pain, Daddy,” I finally admit, because I can’t shoulder this alone any longer. My lower lip wobbles, and big, fat tears plop onto my cheeks. “He… He…” Tears continue to pump out of my eyes as I struggle to draw enough air into my lungs.
Dad lets loose a string of expletives, and if I wasn’t currently fighting to breathe, I’d find it funny. He presses the button, hollering for the nurse, and she comes racing into the room like her butt’s on fire.
Ten minutes later, my breathing has returned to normal, but I feel sleepy. Which sounds crazy. Because I’ve just spent the last three days sleeping, but I can’t keep my eyes open, and I drift into slumber.
When I wake again, Dad isn’t alone.
Beautiful emerald eyes peer into my face, and my heart thumps eagerly in my chest. “Adam,” I whisper.
“Hey, baby.” He brushes his thumb along my cheek, staring at me with so much love I could cry. I’m shocked when his shoulders shake, his lip wobbles, and tears build in his eyes. He cups my face, examining every inch of my features as if he thought he’d never get to look at me again, clearly struggling to keep his emotions in check.
Dad rises. “I’ll grab some coffees.” It’s his way of giving us privacy.
The door closes after him, and silence descends on the room. Adam moves his chair in closer to the bed, his eyes never leaving mine. The air is thick with tension, and I don’t know where to start. His face is an open book. His distressed emotional state clear to see.
“I’m sorry,” we both blurt at the same time, and it helps to break the awkward tension. Our light laughter echoes in the otherwise quiet room.
Adam laces his fingers in mine, and I curl my fingers around his, clinging to him. Delicious tingles emanate from our conjoined hands, shooting up my arm, and I drag my lower lip between my teeth to stop from moaning. Seriously, one tiny touch, and I’m melting into a puddle of goo.
His mouth pulls into a beautiful smile, and it brings tears to my eyes.
“Let me go first,” he says, and his rich, deep voice sends shivers skating all over my body. He bends down, pressing a feather-soft kiss to my cheek, and it’s everything. “I’m so sorry for letting you down, Emily.”
I open my mouth to speak, but he places one long finger against my lips, silencing me. “I need to get this out.”
I nod, and he continues.
“I was so angry at you because I thought you’d told your dad about us. About me dealing. I thought you cared about Molly more than me and you’d ratted me out when I refused to give you any. I know the truth now. That Coach overheard us arguing about it over the phone. That you didn’t betray my confidence.”
Shock settles on my face as the dots join in my head. I’d been too strung out when we last spoke to call him out on his accusation, but now, it makes sense.
“I would never have told him, Adam. I wouldn’t mess with your future like that.” My eyes go wide. “Oh my God. If he knows, does that mean…”
“It’s all okay.” He squeezes my hand. “I’ve told him why I did it, and he’s giving me a second chance.”
“What about the NFL scout?”
He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. And we should be focusing on you.” Air expels from his mouth in a loud rush. “You were clearly in a desperate way the night you came to me, and I should’ve helped you instead of pushing you away. I’m so sorry, babe. I’ve been beating myself up over it ever since. If I had only—”
“Stop.” I grab hold of his muscular arm. “There is nothing you could’ve done to stop me. I needed to get out of my head, and if you didn’t give me pills, I would still have left. I wouldn’t have told you the truth either. I—” An invisible hand breaches my rib cage, wrapping imaginary fingers around my heart, squeezing. “It’s not your fault, Adam.” I grapple with my emotions, taking deep breaths to avoid a repeat of earlier. “It’s not my parents’ fault either. It’s all on me.”
For the first time, I see clearly. This overdose has opened my eyes. Shocked me into facing reality. Or maybe it’s an epiphany. I see now what I’ve always denied. I’ve pointed the finger of blame at everyone. Especially my rapist. And my parents.
But the only person to blame is me.
No one forced me to take drugs. I did that by myself. I chose to bury the pain of my violation instead of opening up. I never even gave my parents a chance to help me. I doubt Mom would have helped. Especially knowing her lover was the one who raped me. But Dad would have.
I know that now.
But I denied him the chance to help me.
I denied myself the chance to help me.
Choosing to hide from reality instead.
“I wanted to die,” I whisper, looking Adam directly in the face. I’m not holding back anymore. I want him to understand everything going through my head. “I went back to that bar, Randaddys, and I sought out the same dealer, knowing what’d happened the last time would most likely happen again. I also knocked back several vodka shots. I needed to forget. To blank it all from my mind.” I sniffle, but I push through the fresh bout of tears waiting in the wings. “I knew there was a chance someone would call an ambulance like last time, but a part of me hoped no one did.” A messy ball of emotion clogs my throat. “I just wanted it to end, Adam. I just wanted the pain to go away.” My voice wobbles.
The door opens, and my father steps into the room with impeccable timing. “Help me sit up,” I implore Adam as Dad walks over to the bed with two paper cups in his hand.
Adam lifts me gently, propping my back against a heap of pillows. I clutch onto his strong forearms and press my lips to his. “I love you.” I want him to know that before I unburden myself because there’s a stro
ng possibility he’ll want nothing more to do with me.
“I love you too,” he instantly replies, and I love that he’s not afraid to admit it in front of my father. “And you’re still my girl. We will get through this, and you can count on me.”
I kiss him again, hoping he still feels the same after I tell him what I’ve decided to do.
“Ahem.” Dad loudly clears his throat, and we break apart. When my gaze swings his way, he’s smiling broadly. “As much as I hate to break this up, I believe you were about to explain, and I think it’s long overdue, don’t you?” He hands Adam a coffee, before sitting in the chair. Adam perches on the edge of my bed, sipping his drink.
I steel my spine, ignoring the tight chest in my pain. Admitting this is going to kill my father. And Adam too.
I don’t know if there’s any good way to tell them the truth, so I just rip the Band-Aid straight off. “I was raped when I was fifteen,” I admit, watching all the color drain from Adam’s and my father’s faces. “I was coming home late after dance class. You were away at some football thing, and Mom told me to walk home because she was running late.”
Bile collects in my mouth, and I gulp over the pain of that admittance.
She lied to me.
She let me walk home in the dark alone so she could fuck her lover in her marital bed.
And it hasn’t gone unnoticed that she isn’t here either.
She really doesn’t care.
She would rather go to work than wait by her daughter’s bed.
Whatever.
I’ve washed my hands of her now.
“A man jumped me around the corner from our house,” I continue. “He dragged me behind the Marsden’s abandoned property, injected me with something which I now believe to be GHB, and proceeded to rape me.”
I’ll spare them the gory details. Over the years, I’ve been in two minds over the fact he doped me up. I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing that I can’t remember much of his assault because my mind was spinning. I remember his face as he loomed over me doing unspeakable things to me, but I don’t actually remember much of the assault. Sometimes, my mind goes into overdrive imagining all the things he could’ve done to my body, and I wish I remembered so I could stop torturing myself over that aspect of it.
I’ve often wondered if that first taste of mind-altering drugs is the reason why I turned to them, mainly, to forget my pain.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dad’s anguished cry pulls me out of my inner thoughts. “I can’t believe that happened and I didn’t know!” He completely falls apart, his broad shoulders shaking as tears rock his body. “I’m so sorry, Emily,” he cries. “I’m so fucking sorry I failed you.”
There is something so heart-wrenching about a grown man sobbing so painfully. I pull back the covers, needing to comfort him. Adam slides his arms underneath me, carrying me over and positioning me in my father’s lap.
We cry together, clinging to one another, and it’s therapeutic.
When our tears finally dry, I let Dad put me back in bed, locking eyes with Adam as he carefully pulls the covers up over me. His eyes are damp and red-rimmed too.
Dad flops into his chair, scrubbing his hands down his face, and he seems to have aged in the last hour. I hate to add to his pain, but there’s no point in telling him half the truth.
“He’s back,” I blurt out. “The man who attacked me.”
“What the fuck?” Adam shouts, his spine locking up.
“I thought he was a stranger, Dad. All this time, I thought it was random, but it wasn’t.”
A frown creases his brow. “What do you mean?”
“I’m sorry you have to find out like this, but Mom’s cheating on you.”
He scoffs. “Your mother has cheated on me for years. That isn’t news. We are married in name only.”
“He’s her lover, Dad. He must’ve been coming from our house the night he raped me, but I only just figured it out because he’s back. Or maybe he never left. Maybe they have always been together,” I add as the thought occurs to me. Just because I haven’t seen him since the rape doesn’t mean he hasn’t been around. They could’ve been together all this time. A shudder works its way through me, and I’m cold all over.
“I’ve seen them together, and Sunday night he saw me,” I continue explaining. “I was walking through campus, and he was coming out of Mom’s office building. He chased me, and I was sure this time he wouldn’t just rape me. Not now I know who he is, but I managed to lose him because a bunch of coeds came out of the dorms just before he caught up to me, and he took off.”
Dad’s chair slams to the ground as he jumps up all of a sudden. Adam and I turn to the door at the same time. Mom is standing in the doorway staring at me in shock. It’s clear she’s heard enough to know what we were discussing. Adam wraps his arms around me as he shoots daggers at my mother.
Dad grabs her into the room, shutting the door behind her. “Start talking, Carole. Who is this man, and where can I find him?”
“Where can we find him,” Adam says. “Because there’s no way you’re going there alone. I’ve as much right to kill the bastard as you do.” His jaw is wired tight, his words clipped as he speaks. I’ve no idea if Adam is speaking metaphorically or he actually wants to murder him. I wouldn’t have any issue with that except I don’t want to see my father or my boyfriend behind bars. I’d much rather that bastard rots in a jail cell than my loved ones.
Mom recovers fast. “No one is killing anyone. We all know Emily is prone to fanciful notions. This is another pathetic attention-seeking attempt on her part.”
Dad grabs Mom around the throat, pushing her up against the wall.
“Dad!” I scream, not wanting him up on any murder charge. “Stop!” I get out of bed or try to, but Adam stops me, shaking his head while he clutches onto my hand. “Daddy, please. You’re no use to me in jail, and, besides, we need her to tell us who he is.”
Dad reluctantly releases her. “Start talking, Carole, or I swear to God I will fucking kill you!” His voice rattles with rage. “That bastard you’re sleeping with drugged and raped our daughter! You’ve never been a mother to Emily, but you will do the right thing now, Carole. You will tell us who he is. You brought him into her life. You’re the reason she was raped when she was fifteen!” His voice cracks, and I fear he’s going to lose it again.
Mom glares at me. “Quit with your lies. How dare you cast doubt on his character! Richard is the most incredible man I’ve ever met, and he isn’t capable of the things you’re accusing him of.” The vein in her neck visibly throbs. “He isn’t a rapist! Why would he rape anyone when I give him whatever he wants in bed?!”
She’s even more delusional than I thought. For an educated, intelligent woman, she sure is acting dumb.
Her eyes narrow as she redirects her glare in Dad’s direction. “Besides, Richard would never be interested in her! I mean, look at her!” She waves her hands around. “She’s a mess! She never dresses appropriately, hardly ever wears makeup, and she loves flaunting her boobs like a cheap whore. She has no class.” She tilts her shoulders back, tipping her chin up. “And she’s only a kid. He would never go for her. Especially not when he loves me!”
This time, Adam loses his cool. “You are batshit crazy, woman. He raped your daughter, and you see it as some kind of sick competition? And now you’re, what, defending him? Protecting him?” His body trembles, and I hold onto his arm, keeping him by my side, so he can’t do anything that’ll get him arrested.
“What is his last name, Carole, and where can I find him?” Dad asks, folding his arms.
She pushes off the wall, smoothing a hand down the front of her skirt suit. Her usual mask goes on. “I’m not telling you. If you want to believe our daughter’s lies, that’s up to you. But I’m not listening to another word of this, this…sick fantasy of hers.”
Un-fucking-believable. You know, I think my mother might be clinically insane.
; She strides toward the door.
“If you walk out of here, you are dead to me,” I call out, surprised at how calm I sound when I’m seething inside. “And I’m going to the cops. I’m making a formal complaint. He is not getting away with what he did to me.” I should have reported it four years ago, but I was afraid to tell anyone. But not now. Now I want to ensure he pays for his crime and that he’s locked up so he can’t do this to any other girl or woman.
She stumbles momentarily, but she doesn’t respond, and she doesn’t look back as she exits the room.
Stunned silence rings out for a few beats. I slump against Adam, but he keeps me upright.
Dad turns to me. “We’re better off without her.”
I don’t disagree.
“What do you want me to do?” he asks.
Murder the pair of them in cold blood? The thought pings in my mind but I don’t articulate it. Seeing him brought to justice is what I want and need to draw closure.
I pin him with determined eyes. “Call the cops, Dad. I want them both arrested, and we’ve no time to waste.”
27
Adam
I pace outside Emily’s house as Coach leans against his car. The front door is wide open, and I can see into the hallway. Packing boxes line the wall on one side. While Em’s in rehab, Coach will be moving all their stuff back to their old home. The college is in the process of appointing a new president to replace Mrs. Parker, and whoever that is will be moving in here in due course.
“Adam,” Coach says. “Calm down.”
I throw my head back, glancing up at the clear blue sky. “I’m trying to.” The warm morning sun feels good on my face. I inhale deeply, and the scent of fresh-cut grass tickles my nostrils. “I know she needs this, but I want to be there for her.” I return my gaze to Coach who is placid as the fall air. “What if she feels alone and can’t cope? Who will be there for her?”
Coach pops off his car and grips the sides of my arms. “Son, rehab is the best place for her. And she wants this.” His hazel eyes are pleading as though I have a say on whether she goes or not. “The last time she went to rehab, her mother and I forced her to go. She wasn’t ready then.” He lets go of me. “This time, it’s her decision. She’s facing her demons head-on, and we need to fully support her.”
Holding on to Forever Page 25