“Really?”
He shrugged “Peter and Patrick?”
I rolled my eyes as he leaned over to kiss the top of my head.
I spent an hour crafting my blog entry, not just about the Heart show, but my feelings on Fate. Some of it I cut out because it was really just my ruminations about where things were going with Aaron. This relationship was exciting and scary and I couldn’t determine which one was stronger. Aaron and I really fit well together physically and we seemed to be very compatible. My future eye could see us having much more fun together. But I was so afraid of making mistakes. I worried about the fact that he was talking permanence and we both used the L-word! We were going to have to come up with some parameters. Maybe that would help. In the meantime, I wanted to see the man at work!
When I stepped out into the store, I saw the Js helping customers and Aaron was having an animated conversation with a man at the counter. He noticed me approaching and his face lit up.
He said, “Hey, come meet an old friend of mine.”
I heard him continue speaking, but I was frozen in my steps. Reality faded into the background as I came face-to-face with my past.
“Stevie, how are you?” The one person I never imagined crossing paths with again was standing in front of me. His tone was friendly, not like the morning he threw me out
“What are you doing here,” I said, noting the acidity in my tone.
Aaron had come around the counter and I could feel his presence next to me. It was probably the only thing that kept me standing.
“I was meeting someone for an early movie and thought I’d come visit an old friend.”
I felt a sharp pain in my hand and realized my nails were dug into my palms. Seeing Ben was bringing up a lot of unpleasantness. Too much for me to deal with.
“Did everything go ok,” he asked, looking really uncomfortable.
I frowned at him, wondering what the hell he was talking about and then it hit me. Nausea. Like a ship tossed on a violent sea, my insides were fighting for survival. I swallowed hard and threw back my shoulders.
“I was going to contact your attorney. My child was stillborn. You will get all of your money back.”
His pleasant demeanor crumbled at my admission. He stepped forward and reached out to touch me. I flinched and Aaron’s arms came around me.
McShane
“Stevie,” I said, concerned. She had gone all-stiff and was glaring at Ben. The realization hit me like a burn from a grease fire. “Ben was...?”
Stevie nodded, still staring daggers at my old friend.
“Was. Yes. Excuse me.” She pulled away from me and walked fast toward the back of the store.
I couldn’t believe it. I turned on the man whom I had once respected and admired. It was all I could do not to beat him brutally for the pain he’d inflicted on my Goddess.
“You sonofabitch,” I said through clenched teeth. “Get the fuck out of my store, Ben.”
All eyes in the shop were on me as I stormed down the hall in time to find Stevie stepping out the back. She wouldn’t look at me.
“Stevie, I am so sorry. I didn’t-”
“You didn’t know, Aaron. And neither did he. Well, now he knows. I’m sure he’ll be feeling better now, knowing he doesn’t have a little bastard running around.” She exhaled loudly and leaned back against the wall, her arms wrapped around her midsection.
I moved to her side slowly, gutted by her words. I desperately wanted to pull her into my arms, but I didn’t know how she would react.
“Of all the times for this to be a small world,” she laughed humorlessly.
I ran my hands over my head and paced in front of her. I wanted to tear him apart with my bare hands for hurting her.
“God, Stevie. I had no idea. Ben and I used to work for the same firm. I haven’t seen him in-”
“Two years? Yeah, a lot happened since then. Look, I’m going to go, Aaron. I’m sorry I brought my drama to your shop.”
This time I wasn’t going to hold back. I hurried to her and took her hands in mine. “Stevie, don’t go like this. I’m so sorry.”
She gave me a small smile and said, “I just need to go. I had a wonderful time with you, but I have to go.” She turned to walk around the building and I stepped in front of her, my heart racing.
“What do you mean you have to go? If you need space, I understand. If you are saying goodbye…Stevie?”
She looked up at me with determination in her eyes. “It’s not goodbye, Aaron. But I can’t do this. If I stay here with you one more second I’m afraid I’ll never do what I need to do. It’s obvious I need to heal. I can’t fall apart every time I’m faced with the reality that I lost my child. I’m not better enough to be a good partner to you and I want you to have a good partner.”
Her eyes were welling with tears and I felt her pulling away from me with every word she spoke.
“I want you to heal, love. I do. But I want you, Stevie. I love you! Please don’t walk away without giving us a chance.”
She put her arms tentatively around my waist and rested her head on my chest. “We’ll still be concert buddies. You call me when there’s a show you want to go to and I’ll do the same. We have the fall and winter season to experience. If you want. If you want me, that’s all I can be for you right now.” She pulled away and looked up at me, the tears spilling down her cheeks.
“Stevie,” I breathed. This couldn’t be happening. “You’re breaking my heart right now,” I whispered.
She shook her head. “And that’s why I have to go. I need to be better. When I get there, if I get there…” She was backing away from me and we were right back to that first conversation when she walked away from me.
“Stevie, wait,” I called as she reached the corner of the building.
“Call me when you want to see a show,” she said and turned the corner.
I fell against the wall and all the breath left my lungs. The pain in my chest was so much I thought I was going to die. I welcomed it. If my Goddess was walking out of my life, I just didn’t want to feel that void.
I sat on the grimy ground behind my building for what was probably only a few minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. I went through the motions the rest of the day and ignored the texts blowing up my phone. When it was time to close up I locked the security gates and walked home in a complete daze. I didn’t even want to go home. I went straight up the steps to my apartment. Once inside I sank down on the bed and tried to ignore her scent still permeating the air.
She left a note on the bedside table with my key:
Aaron
I hope you can forgive me for the way I left things today. I hope you can understand what I was trying to tell you. These past couple of days were such a precious gift to me. You made me feel loved, cherished, protected…things I haven’t felt in a really long time. I am grateful to you and pray that if I ever get to a place where I can do those things for myself that you will still want to share them with me.
When you accepted the position of concert buddy, you agreed to be patient with your buddy. I’m asking you to please…please be patient with me.
Love,
Stevie
I wiped the tears from my eyes and put her note back on my bedside table. Patience? I’d been patient for so long… with my family, with my business…I knew she was fragile when I met her. Mom even told me that she might not be able to have a relationship with me right now and I foolishly believed I could settle for whatever she could give me. That was before I made love to her, before she won over my family with her charms…I had to have her, that was my bottom line. I needed her like I needed water or oxygen. So how the hell was I going to be what she needed me to be? Of course I wanted to see her, but how long could I go on without her? I’d already waited so long for her to come into my life. Now that I’d had a taste, I needed a steady diet of Stevie. Everything was brighter with her here.
I was still sitting like that hours later when I h
eard a soft rapping on my door.
“Son? Are you here?” When I didn’t answer, Mom let herself in and came to sit next to me. “Are you alright, Aaron?”
I stared straight ahead and shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know, Mom,” I answered her quietly.
She rubbed a circle on my back and was quiet for a minute. “I spoke to her when she came back,” she finally said. This time I looked at her and she smiled. “She is such a strong woman, Son. She loves you very much.”
I put my head in my hands, wishing her to go on and praying she would stop.
“I know she does,” I answered. “I just want to take care of her and she won’t let me.”
Mom gave me one of her most beautiful smiles and I let her wrap me in her arms.
“This is not something you can take care of, son. I know that is hard for you. All hope is not lost. You will just have to be patient. Can you do that for her?”
I sighed. “What choice do I have?”
She smiled at me and kissed my cheek. Then she got serious again. “This is terrible timing, son, but I wanted to ask you for a favor.”
I turned to face her and took her hands in mine. “Anything, Mom. You know that.” She smiled and I saw her eyes tear up.
“Aaron, I want to take your father and Grandmother McShane to Ireland for an extended vacation. With his health leveling off, this is the best time. And Grandma has wanted to go see her friends and family. I don’t want to disrupt the twins or we’d all go. Will you be ok to watch them?”
I could see the hope in her eyes and I would never stand in the way of her happiness. “Of course, Mom. This is a wonderful idea. The boys and I will be fine. I’ll stay in the house with them.”
The tears did fall then. I hugged my mother and tried my best to reassure her that we would all be fine. She needed to do this with my father. There was no telling when, or if, they might have another opportunity. She told me she would start making arrangements in earnest and that they would likely leave at the end of October and stay until just before the holidays. It was a long time, but a wonderful idea for them. I was happy for my parents.
The next day was the Rock the Bells festival at Shoreline and I had to report early. I still had an ache in my chest and had to fight the urge to call Stevie. I had texted her that night before I went to sleep and just asked if she was ok. She answered
I will be, Aaron. I promise. I hope to see you soon.
When I got to the venue, I went to Tyson’s office and let him know I wouldn’t be available after September. He completely understood and told me I was more than welcome to come back in the spring. That he’d be in touch. He asked about Stevie and I wasn’t really sure how to answer him.
“She’s great. I guess we’re taking things slow? There are a lot of complications.” I didn’t want to go into detail, and being a guy, I’m sure he didn’t really want to know.
“Well, I hope things work out, man. You two look great together. You looked happy.”
I tried to smile and thanked him before leaving his office.
Chapter Thirteen
Stevie
I thought a lot about my conversation with Shireen over the next couple of weeks. I told her everything and she held my hand through the whole thing. My own mother was never as supportive as she had been that day.
“Stevie, you have been through a huge ordeal and you need to grieve for your child as well as your lost relationship. Aaron is a wonderful man and I know how he feels about you. He will wait. But you need to do this for yourself first.”
I knew she was right. It would have been so nice to just slide right into his life. I had to take this time. I was really tense and emotional after seeing Ben and felt terrible for the timing. Aaron and I had a lot of promise and I prayed every day that the Fates hadn’t given up on us. He was so good about giving me space. I almost wished he wasn’t because I missed him desperately. But I had to be strong and do this on my own.
Not being at work was strange. When I would see kids walking with backpacks, obviously on their way to or from school, I felt guilty that I wasn’t teaching. I talked to my therapist about it, and she said it was all part of me adjusting to a new life. I knew I needed something, though, because I was increasingly antsy and edgy. I had to do something with myself before I started to backslide into depression.
I happened to see a notice that they were hiring at the seasonal Halloween store so I thought, what the hell? Halloween was my favorite time of year. I aced my interview, although the manager did think it was pretty weird that I was applying. The job was very physical at first and then super busy toward the end of the month.
Maryland and the girls were doing really well in Alaska. So well in fact, she decided to enroll them in school there. She missed Mike terribly, but was enjoying the time with her mom. I couldn’t blame her. I missed my own parents, even though they had driven me nuts at times. She agreed with my decision to slow things down with Aaron but told me not to let him go.
“If he’s that good to you, Stevie, you hurry up and heal. Don’t let him get away.”
I talked to Aaron on the phone a couple of times after that awful day at his shop. He asked me to come to a show at Shoreline he was working, but I had to work at the store. I wanted to go. I desperately wanted to see him. He said he understood. Mostly we just texted each other at odd moments. One day while at work I received a picture of a rather large-bellied man with his ass crack showing that was captioned, “He’s on your team.” I laughed hysterically and then it was on! We sent daily funny pictures, always trying to one-up each other. He even sent me one of the twins where he’d put makeup on them while they were asleep. That was my wallpaper for a while. Well, on my home screen. My lock screen was set to the picture of the two of us Maryland took at the Killers show. I looked at it frequently.
We started having longer conversations with each other on the phone after about a month. It was nice. It took some of the pressure off. We could just chat about everything and nothing. He was so very good about being patient and I was grateful. The more he shared about his life with me, the more I fell deeper in love.
The third week of October, Aaron called me and asked me to come to dinner. “I know we’re supposed to just be concert buddies, but my parents and grandmother are leaving in a few days for Ireland and they want to see you.”
“Just the three of them?”
He said yes, that they wanted to spend an extended vacation there while his father was feeling up to the traveling.
“Of course I’ll come! Can I bring something?”
He told me just to bring myself. He said he was going to try to get home early from the shop, but that I was welcome to come over in the early afternoon. I could barely stand to wait.
The morning of the family dinner, I went for a mani-pedi and spent an hour trying on every stitch of clothing I had. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I’d lost a bit more weight and my summer purchases were a little baggy. Not flattering. I settled on a black knit sundress that came down to my ankles and I pulled my hair up in a messy bun. I’d finally cut it a couple of weeks earlier. I found a donation program called Beautiful Lengths where they make real-hair wigs for cancer survivors. My hair was now just below my shoulders and much healthier and more manageable. I hoped Aaron wasn’t disappointed, but it was necessary.
I was terribly excited to see him and ended up leaving really early, telling myself stupidly that I might hit traffic. I showed up at 2:45! Mr. McShane was sitting on the back porch when I pulled in. He frowned when he heard my engine backfire.
“I know, I know,” I said as I climbed out. He made his way down the steps to me shaking his head.
“We need to get under that hood, love. Let me get my tools.”
I looked down at my dress, flustered. So much for looking nice for Aaron. My rescue came out at that moment.
“Hi Patrick,” I called, praying I was right.
“I’m Peter,” he said and I groaned.
&nb
sp; “I’m sorry! I hate getting it wrong.”
He shrugged and asked me what I needed. He went back in the house and came out a couple of minutes later with some sweats and a t-shirt. I slid the too-big sweats on and then pulled the shirt over my head. I was able to slip out of the dress and pull it down over my legs. I hung it over the seat in my car. He watched me the whole time, fascinated. I gave him a sheepish grin and then whispered, “Our secret?”
He laughed and walked over to my car to see what was going on. Mr. McShane came out with his tools and the three of us got to work on the timing. Peter was sent to the auto parts store a couple of times. We just about had the timing correct when Aaron arrived.
“Is there anything you can’t do,” he said quietly in my ear as I was standing and watching his dad make the final adjustments to the carburetor.
I jumped at his voice and then turned to find him smiling down at me. My heart felt full for the first time since the morning we last woke up together. I wanted to grab hold and never let go. Instead, we stood there grinning at each other like we did at the concerts almost two months ago.
“There are many things I can’t do, like persuade your father that we should start planting winter vegetables.”
Pops laughed and said, “I told her that I would be gone, son. No one will be around to water them.”
Peter stood up from where he was crouched next to his father. “I’ll water them for you, Pops. Just tell me what to do and I’ll take care of it for you.”
Mr. McShane stood up and patted Peter on the back. “That’s a good boy. Ok, Stevie, you talked me into it. How about tomorrow we go down and pick up some plants?”
I smiled brightly at him. “It’s a date!”
He looked at Aaron and gave a wink.
“Peter, go on and get cleaned up and then make sure your brother is helping his grandmothers with dinner.”
The Rock Season Page 17