by Mia Ford
I release an inaudible sigh. That went a lot better than I thought it would.
“Yeah,” I say. “Let’s go.”
Jessica, and my memories of her aren’t going to rule my life anymore. I’m going to make room for my son in my heart, and then I’m going to continue living my life the best I can.
Without her.
Chapter Thirteen
Jessica
I am, I decide, the most selfish person in the world.
I toss and turn in bed. I can’t sleep because Grant’s words are still running through my head as though on a loop, shutting every door that I thought was still at least a little open in my face.
“If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here at all, do you get it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about anymore... There is no us anymore.”
“There are no more opportunities, Jessica. I don’t want to know anymore. I want to get to know Owen and that’s it. That’s all I want from you.”
It should be easy to accept. I left Grant three years ago, after all. I decided then that I didn’t want him in my life anymore. In fact, it should be a relief that Grant is on the same page as me, now.
So why does this hurt so much? Am I really so selfish that I was happy staying away from Grant as long as I knew that, somewhere, he was still thinking about me? Would I really rather that he pined for me for the rest of his life while I rejected him?
I want to say the answer is a resounding no. That would be very cruel, after all. I need to live my life, and he needs to live his, separate from each other. It’s the reason I left him, after all. This is a good thing.
So why can’t I bring myself to believe it?
I bury my head in my pillow. It’s because I am that selfish. I don’t want Grant to stop thinking about me. Even after I left him, he was still there in my life in some way.
Because I missed him terribly. I might have left him, but I had reasons for it, after all. I didn’t really want to leave him. But I did leave him, and I missed him and regretted my decision, but I did it. I did it for myself and for Owen.
But I also knew that Grant would have missed me just as badly. At least, I hoped he did. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t go and see him; I didn’t want to break the illusion that I was still in his thoughts.
I feel like screaming. I really am the worst person in the world. Groaning, I turn over on my back, staring up at the ceiling.
I know the truth now. He did miss me. He had recognized me the moment he saw me, of course, which means he never forgot my face. So I was in his thoughts.
Not anymore.
The look in his eyes earlier, when he told me that we were done… I’ve never seen it there before. It was equal parts resolve, determination and pain, as though he was making a decision that would hurt him, but was making it anyway for his own sake. Just like I left Grant to protect myself and our son, he’s walking away from any potential of a relationship to protect his own heart.
I pause, startled by my own thoughts. Potential for a relationship? What potential for a relationship? I ran off after we had sex on Friday night because I had no desire to get caught up with Grant again. I hesitated to agree for Grant and Owen to meet, even if I never said anything about it to Grant, because having him in my life would make it that much hard to resist the good memories that keep threatening to flood me. Now, suddenly, I’m mourning the death of a potential relationship that was never going to happen?
I laugh. There’s an edge of hysteria in it. It turns out that I’m one of those women, the ones who want the eyes of her loved one on her, despite never reciprocating, and can’t stand it when he moves on because she’s treated him like crap. How selfish I am.
And yet…
I glance at my clock. It’s past midnight. There’s no sound in the apartment. Owen is sound asleep, and I need to get to sleep too, before he comes in at six, excited for daycare. And if I don’t, I won’t make it through work.
If only sleeping were as easy as clicking my fingers and ordering myself to drop off, I think wryly.
Finally, after another ten minutes of tossing around, trying futilely to get comfortable, I sigh and get up, pulling a robe around myself. Maybe a warm cup of tea will help me sleep.
Yawning and rubbing my tired eyes, I shuffled out to the kitchen. On the way, I stop by Owen’s door. He’s tucked up in bed, his arm thrown around a large, brown teddy bear. At the foot of the bed is the truck that Grant got for him. He’s sleeping peacefully, his mouth open, and I smile at him before leaving.
The kettle seems abnormally loud at this time of night, and I hope it won’t wake Owen up as I wait impatiently for it to finish. My entire body feels tired and drained, but my mind is far too active to allow me the sleep I dearly need.
Finally, the kettle clicks off, and I make a cup of tea, the steam rising and making me yawn again at the feeling of the comfortable warmth. Instead of heading back to bed with my cup, however, I take a seat at the table.
Last night, Grant, Allison Owen and I sat around this table for dinner. It’s not going to be the last time Grant stays for dinner, I know. How am I going to handle seeing him across the table from me on those days, knowing that he doesn’t want me anymore?
You don’t want him, either, I remind myself. Regardless of my reasons, me leaving Grant three years ago meant that those reasons were more important than my desire to be in a relationship with Grant. I have no right to feel sour that Grant doesn’t want me in that way anymore.
This is all my fault. I pushed Grant to this. If anything, it should be more surprising that it’s taken him three years to walk away from me. If I was him, it would have happened a lot sooner.
Except, it didn’t, did it? Grant isn’t the only one who’s spent the last three years pining for a relationship that was no more. Everything just happened so suddenly. Even I wasn’t prepared for the way it all ended, and I was the one who walked out.
What even started it? I laugh bitterly as I remember the argument we had been having. Something stupid about food. I had been sick with the flu, and he was tired from work, it had been so foolish, especially considering it had been the argument that had torn us apart. Burdened with the knowledge I had recently gained, something in me had snapped, and I had walked out, telling Grant we were over. A few days later, while he was at work, I went around to get all my stuff, too much of a coward to face him, and left my key for him to find.
Did he know, after that argument, that I was serious about ending our relationship? Had he thought that we could work it out right up until the moment he returned home that day to find the apartment emptied of all my things? I’ve often wondered, selfishly, how he reacted that day, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t actually want to know.
Because if I know, it’ll just be another thing for me to feel bad about.
The minutes tick by slowly. Finally, as my eyes droop shut for the third time, I put my half-finished tea in the sink and head back to bed. This time, I relax into the mattress, too tired to allow my thoughts to keep me awake for much longer. Tomorrow is really going to suck, I decide, but it’s my own fault.
Just like everything else.
“Are you serious?”
I wince at the volume of Allison’s voice. It’s late afternoon and there are a few people milling about in the small coffee shop, most of them having just finished work, like me. Several of them turn to look at Allison’s outburst, and I sink low in my seat.
“Sorry,” Allison mutters. “I didn’t mean to yell. But...are you serious?”
“Yes, okay?” I hiss, angry and embarrassed. “I already know how stupid and selfish it is, alright? I don’t need you to tell me that something is wrong with me.”
Allison purses her lips. I can tell she’s unimpressed with what I’m saying, and I can’t blame her for it. It’s only my shame that is making me lash out.
“I just… It was only the other day that you were telling me how you didn’t want Grant in your
life anymore, and that you wanted to move on,” Allison points out. “I told you I was happy for you, and that I hoped you and Grant could both find something better in your lives.”
“I get it,” I snap, slouching down in my seat. “I know what I said. I still believe it, okay? But, it’s just that…” I trail off and looking away. “I can’t stand the idea of Grant moving on.”
Allison stares at me. And then she sighs, a wry smile coming to her lips.
“Yeah, I get it.” She spears me with an intent look. “It’s because you’re still in love with him.”
It isn’t a question. I should deny it, of course. I was the one who broke up with Grant three years ago, after all. I’m too tired and drained, though, to keep up a pretense right now.
I can’t argue. After all, I didn’t break up with Grant because I stopped loving him.
“Is it that obvious?” I ask tiredly.
Allison seems taken aback that I’m not putting up more of a fight. But I didn’t sleep well the night before, I had a long day at work, and I have to pick up Owen in an hour. I don’t have time to futilely argue.
“How long?” Allison asks, blinking.
“How long have I known I’m still in love with him?” I ask, and she nods. I snort. “Are you kidding? I never stopped being in love with him.” I scowl. It made things hard, I can tell you that.”
It doesn’t look like Allison entirely understands. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t either. I’m sitting here, telling her that I’m still as in love with Grant as I was when I left him, yet I broke up with him despite that. None of it will make sense unless I explain the desperate confusion and the search for answers that I wasn’t ready for that had overtaken me before we broke up.
And I’m not about to explain any of that.
“Jessica…” Allison tries and falters. She sighs. “This is another of those things that Grant deserves to know first, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I confess.
“Are you ever going to tell him though?” Allison asks.
I wince and look away. That was the question I didn’t want her to ask. I hear her sigh and then chuckle.
“You and I, we really are a pair,” she murmurs. “Did I ever tell you about the problems Kyle and I had before we got together?”
I sneak a glance at her. Her face is honest and open. She doesn’t think too badly of me, then. I’m more grateful for her friendship than I can say.
“Not really,” I say with a shrug. “You just said there were some issues.”
“Some issues.” Allison snorts. “That’s one way of putting it. I was the most selfish person in the world, Jessica. There he was, trying to help me, and I just treated him like absolute crap for it. If I wasn’t telling him he wasn’t allowed to protect me, I was pushing him away because I forgot that he could protect himself way better than I could protect him.”
I stare at her. I’ve seen Allison and Kyle together. They love each other so much that it makes me jealous. Kyle worships the ground she walks on and Allison, headstrong, blunt, sometimes rude Allison, is so considerate of him. They were perfect. I guess I never thought about the trials they would have had to go through to get that way.
“Fact is, I put Kyle through the ringer,” Allison says, leaning forward. “Once, I tried to break up with him. I told him we couldn’t be together because we had absolutely nothing in common.” She grimaces and looks away. “I hurt him real bad, you know. I didn’t really stop to think about it, I just thought I was doing what was best. I know I can be a bit of a fool sometimes, but Kyle taught me not to jump to conclusions, to think things through, and to talk to him before I get an idea in my head.”
It’s not quite the same. Allison hurt Kyle to protect him. I hurt Grant to protect myself and our unborn child. But…
“I’m prone to jumping to conclusions,” I admit. “I…broke up with Grant because I couldn’t talk to him about some things I found out.”
“That means you’re about as bad at communication as I am,” Allison says, flashing me a grin. Her smile softens. “Thing is, you never get anywhere without at least talking it through. Maybe you and Grant just need to have a really good conversation about everything that happened.”
I feel a brief spark of hope. Then it dies and I sigh.
“He’ll never accept my reasons,” I say gloomily. “And he made it clear he had nothing he wanted to say to me. Wouldn’t it better to give him his space now?”
“Maybe,” Allison says, grinning. “Or, you can confront him, force him to listen! I know it isn’t fair for him. After all, you didn’t listen to him.” I wince at her bluntness. “But you’re both on the same page now, right? He might be pretending otherwise, but he really does want to know what happened. So go over there and give him what he wants! Then you guys can clear the air and even think about getting back together.”
It’s a nice thought. I’ve entertained the idea of getting back with Grant more times than I can count in the last three years. But, every time I do, those dark thoughts return. Those things that I found out… The fear that I felt… The horror at what I was learning about someone I loved… Everything I thought I knew and loved about Grant had been thrown into jeopardy.
I don’t want to get back together.
I don’t.
I don’t!
I sniffle and cover my face. My eyes are burning. I can’t deny it. Even despite everything, even though I’ve tried my hardest to stay away…
“I’d like that,” I say softly.
It’s just impossible. I need Grant, and I don’t know what to do now that I’ve finally pushed him away for good.
Chapter Fourteen
Jessica
“No worries, Jessica! I’m happy to help!”
“Thanks, Hazel,” I say into the phone with an attempt at a smile. “This really means a lot to me. Tomorrow, either Allison or I will come and get Owen. How is he?”
“He’s fine!” Hazel says, and I can almost hear the young woman bursting with excitement. “He’s really excited for a sleepover. Apparently, there’s a toy truck that he wants?”
My heart clenches. Owen had wanted to take the truck to daycare this morning, and I almost got a tantrum when I told him he couldn’t take it. He doesn’t quite realize the importance of the very first gift his father has ever gotten for him, but he loves that thing almost as much as the little green car he carries everywhere.
“Yeah, it’s a new toy and he loves it,” I say. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“Don’t worry so much,” Hazel says. “But, if it makes you feel better, my mom is visiting this week. We’ll look after Owen tonight between us. She’s really excited to spoil Owen rotten since she doesn’t have any grandkids yet.” She huffs, and I know she’s rolling her eyes. “Though now she’s going to start dropping hints…”
“Sorry,” I say, hiding a smile, even though she can’t see me. It does make me feel better that Hazel has backup if she needs it. Owen is a good kid, but I know how difficult it can be to look after a toddler all on your own. “Thanks for this, Hazel. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Don’t sweat it! See you!”
She hangs up and I sigh. Allison looks up from stirring a sauce in a pot and smiles at me.
“All good?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say with another sigh. “Thanks, Allison, I think I need this.”
“It’s fine,” Allison says with a shrug. “Kyle does this for Ethan every now and then, too; sometimes, you just need a night off.”
“Ethan’s the one with the ten-year-old?” I ask, making my way to sit at the table.
“Yeah,” Allison says. She laughs. “Last month, Grant and Kyle actually kidnapped him when he kept refusing to leave the house. They called his friend to ask her to babysit for three nights, accosted him on the side of the road, tied him up and took him out to a hotel several miles away.”
I grin. “I’ll try not to get that bad.”
After the coff
ee outing with Allison, I hadn’t been able to bear the idea of going home. I felt too raw and upset, and I didn’t want Owen to see me like that. But I had no other choice. Who else was going to pick up my son?
There was a part of me that thought Grant could do it, but I was ashamed to call him. He might not have even been free. Then there’s the fact that he would ask questions, and I wasn’t ready to answer anything. I didn’t want him to know what was going through my head right now.
Allison was the one who came up with the solution. Hazel is always on call for me, and she totally loves Owen. Maybe she could take Owen for the night? Then I could stay at Allison’s place and decompress for a night. It was a nice idea, and I hesitated for only a moment before calling Hazel. She’s had Owen for sleepovers at her place before, though I normally collect him late at night so he has mornings at home.
Naturally, she was thrilled to be asked and was more than happy to accept. It’s a good bit of money for her, after all. I knew I could trust Owen in her hands and, as a bonus, she didn’t once question why I needed her to take my son until tomorrow.
I’ll tell her something tomorrow. I’m not sure what, yet, but she’s been with my small family long enough to give her some sort of explanation. I still haven’t even told her that Owen’s father is back on the scene, though I have the feeling Owen will take care of that at some point tonight.
I sigh. Even Hazel would have a lot of questions tomorrow.
“You alright?” Allison asks.
“I’m just considering whether I should have told Hazel about Grant before Owen lets the cat out of the bag,” I tell her. “Hazel is going to be shocked when she finds out. I told her a long time ago that Owen’s dad wasn’t around.”
“Technically, that wasn’t a lie,” Allison points out. “I think she’ll be fine. She might be a little worried about losing her job, though.”