by Emelia Blair
He turns to look at me as if sensing my gaze on him.
I meet his eyes steadily, shaking my head at the question in them.
We walk away with the basket and the small decorations that he’s been adamant on buying. It’s so cold that my nose is starting to freeze and I rub it, my teeth chattering. Even though I’m layered, the weather is vicious. The temperature drops every winter but it hasn’t snowed in Wicca Springs in over twenty years. But the cold is brutal.
However, tourists always come here to experience the magic of our town near Christmas. It’s not just the Christmas market that attracts their attention or the how our town goes all out when it comes to decorating. It’s to see the calm, undisturbed Wicca Lake which never seems to freeze over, no matter how cold it gets. Since there has never been a logical explanation for it, even the locals claim it’s the work of witches. Nobody really believes it but it does wonders for the tourist business. A few local teens have even been known to carry out a few pranks to frighten the tourists. They run off snickering after making low mewing sounds around the lake and the tourists end up believing that they encountered the spirits of the dead witches. It doesn’t help that the flora around Wicca Lake is decorated with dim lights, making it seem more spooky and haunted.
Our town can truly be shameless at times.
“You haven’t tried our Gluhwein yet, have you?” I ask Finn.
He looks surprised. “I thought mulled wine was sold in Christmas markets in the States? Isn’t Gluhwein sold in Germany, usually?”
I grin. “Yeah, but we also have Gluhwein here. Aunt Helen got the recipe from a German friend of hers. It’s very popular here.” I tuck my arm in his and drag him to a crowded stall where I buy two cups of the spiced wine.
Finn reaches for his wallet but I beat him to it. “It’s on me.”
We stand at one of the standing tables and sip at the wine. It warms me to my toes and I sigh in relief.
“This is good.” Finn is taken aback as he sips.
I smile, smugly. “You should try the cheese fries next.”
I introduce him to the various stalls that are serving hot food and we try nearly everything till my stomach is to point of bursting. I have to forcefully drag him away from them and he complains while still not satisfied but I lure him away with promises of something better.
As we’re walking, we pass a large stall that surrounds a small, gleaming tree on three sides. People are standing around it, bent over a small desk in the corner, scribbling something on colorful scraps of paper.
Finn pulls me to a stop, staring at them. “What’re they doing?”
I glance over. “Oh, that’s the Christmas Wish Tree. We have one every year. People go there and write a wish on a paper and then you hang it on one of the branches.”
Finn doesn’t budge, a strange gleam lights in his eyes. “I want to do it.”
I blink in surprise. “Um, all right,” I reply as I let him drag me over. “What do you want to wish for?”
He gives me a secretive smile. “If I tell you, it won’t come true.”
I scoff and shake my head.
He nudges me. “You make one, too.”
I watch him grab two pieces of paper and he offers me one. I hesitate before taking it. He scribbles something on his and I lift my pen and then stare at the paper in my hand.
I don’t believe in such things but for a moment, I want it to be real and I lower my pen and write the deepest desire in my heart that I can’t seem to voice out.
“What did you wish for?” Finn asks me later as we walk away and
I give him a shy smile. “Just something silly.” Although it isn’t silly.
‘Don’t let me lose this happiness.’
Chapter 10
Sharon canceling the party throws me off because I had closed down the diner for that day to prepare the food. But since Ben got sick, and his parents are out of town visiting relatives, Sharon decided to take care of him.
I assume the woman that it’s fine when she comes by, worried about having wasted my resources. I assure her that I can use them for something else. I’m secretly happy that she and Ben are getting along. A few words with her is enough to tell me that Sharon is deeply in love with my friend and I couldn’t be more pleased for Danny.
However, this frees up my Friday altogether and without telling anyone, I go to visit my parents’ grave. I park my car outside the cemetery and stare at the well maintained graveyard.
I have never visited them here at the cemetery.
The last time I was here was when Aunt Vee and Aunt Helen stood by me as I cried through my final farewells to them. After that, I have never had the strength to go see their graves. My aunts initially used to offer to go with me but I would turn them down every time. After a few years, they just stopped, understanding my silence.
Yet, today, after so many years, I find myself here, sitting outside in the car, wanting to go in and yet unable to find the strength to move. I don’t know what prompted me to get in my car and drive all the way here but now that I am here, I feel restless.
Should I have brought flowers?
My hands clench on the steering wheel as I feel the turmoil in my heart.
Just go in, you coward, I mumble to myself silently. And yet my feet won’t budge.
A sharp rap on the passenger side window makes me jump and my wide eyes see a familiar face peering in at me with a smile. I press the button to disengage the lock.
Finn opens the door and slides in, his nose and ears red from the cold.
“Where’s your hat and muffler?” I ask, seeing him shivering and I take off my muffler then wrap it around his neck, carefully.
“You do care.” He grins at me.
I give him a wry smile, not offering anything else.
He warms his hands in front of the car heater. “What are you doing sitting out here?”
My gaze unwittingly goes to the cemetery and then back at him, and I don’t say anything for a moment. Then I say it, “I – I wanted to go see my parents.”
Finn studies me. “They’re buried here.” His voice is quiet. It’s a statement not a question.
I curl my hands around the steering wheel. “I never visited them. Not even once. How am I supposed to go now?” I don’t know why I’m talking to him about this but the words are pouring out and I snap my mouth shut.
Finn turns halfway in his seat to face me, a wistful look on his face. His cold hand comes to cup my soft cheek and he searches my eyes for something. “Is it that hard for you to open up to me?” His tone unbearably gentle,
I part my lips, my defensiveness on the rise, about to retort but it dies on my lips as I take in his expression, instead turning my head away and mumbling, “Sorry.”
However, Finn doesn’t want me to avert my eyes. He grips me by the chin and guides my head back. “Why didn’t you go visit your parents before now?” It’s a blunt question but is spoken with delicate tenderness.
I stare at him, feeling lost. “I – I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
My eyes burn as I push his hand off. “You wouldn’t –“ But I stop myself before I finish that sentence. He wouldn’t’t understand? Didn’t he also lose both his parents at a young age as well? “Sorry.” I shake my head and reach down to twist the key in the ignition, “This was a stupid idea. Let’s go get—”
Finn covers my hand with his own. “Do you know that I was never allowed to visit my parents grave.” His voice is rough. “The first time I managed to do that was when I finally graduated and started my company, no longer dependent on my grandmother. I stood outside the graveyard for three hours in the rain, not knowing what to say to them about why I had been gone for so long. I had to go face them alone. You don’t have to do that. Let me go with you.”
My hand trembles as I lift my eyes to meet his gaze and my heart catches in my throat. “I…” Unable to say anything in front of his almost cruel gentleness, I find myself admitting
defeat, and I nod.
Getting out of the car is the first step and that’s not as hard as I had assumed. But staring at the looming graveyard, I take in a deep breath and start walking with long strides,
Finn is right at my heels.
I abruptly stop at the entrance and tilt my head to the side to look at him, voicing my initial concern, “Should I have brought flowers?”
He smiles and falls into step beside me as he takes my hand. “Let’s just go see them first.”
Even though it’s been quite a few years since I’ve been here, I automatically know where to go, the memory from their funeral still fresh in my mind. It’s a matter of minutes before I’m standing in front of two well maintained graves. I see the fresh lilies on both of them and my lips tremble.
Even after all this time, they still come here every day.
“Your aunts?” Finn glances at the flowers.
I nod, too choked up to speak.
He looks at me and then says, “I’ll give you a moment.”
I watch him leave and stare at the two graves, my voice shaking as I speak, “Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. It’s been a long time.” My tears are falling, hot on my cold cheeks and I feel an old pain, burning in my chest, making it hard to breathe. “I – I’ve been well. Sorry for not coming to visit before. I didn’t want to…“ My voice chokes, grief a tight ball inside me. “I didn’t want to see you like this. I- I’ve been – I miss you guys, every day.” I glance in Finn’s direction. “I met someone. He’s amazing. You guys would have loved him. He’s funny and he’s weird and he makes me laugh even when I don’t want to.” There’s a bit of longing in my heart along with the dull throbbing. “I think that I might be –?” My voice breaks and it takes me a second to muster the courage up to speak my words to the wind in front of the two people who had loved me with such abandon, and who had loved each other so wildly, “I think I might be in love. I don’t know if this is what love is but I think that it is. And I’m scared. And I wish you were here to tell me what to do.”
I speak out my heart.
I tell them about my diner, about my friends, about how well adjusted I am.
I don’t know how long I’m talking for till I run out of words. I stare at the gravestones, feeling my chest lighten. “I’ll come again soon.”
I stay there for a bit more, this time just standing in silence that’s oddly comforting and yet heartbreaking. I feel a pair of arms around me. I sink into the familiar touch with a sigh.
Finn doesn’t speak, letting me absorb his heat as I ground myself.
I look up at him, and whisper, “Thank you for coming with me.”
He smiles and presses his lips against my temple.
The walk back is quiet and peaceful. As I sit in the car, I close my eyes and lean my head back against the seat, feeling as if a huge burden has been removed from my shoulders.
Finn runs his fingers through my hair. “How are you doing?”
My eyes are still closed and I lean into his touch. “I’m all right.”
He lets me sit in silence.
After a few seconds, I murmur, “Thank you for going in with me.”
His nails scrape my scalp and he makes a humming sound.
We sit like that and even with my eyes closed, I can feel his eyes on me. “Finn?” I try to keep my tone neutral, not wanting to betray any of the anxiety residing within.
“Agra,” His voice is teasing.
He likes calling me that for some reason. I wanted to look it up once but then decided against it. It could be a pet name or a term of endearment – God knows, he uses them all the time.
I open my mouth to ask him how long he intends to stay, what he thinks we are, but instead, I blurt something else out, “How is the matter of the bar coming along?”
His silence makes me open my eyes wondering if I’ve crossed a line.
There’s a devilish smirk in his eyes as he answers me, “Resolved.”
I sit up, blinking. “Resolved? What do you mean?”
He captures a strand of my hair and curls it around his finger, idly, his eyes are watchful. “I mean, I decided against opening a branch here. I don’t think Expresso House will be setting up any branches in Wicca Springs.”
I should be happy but my heart is sinking.
He’s going to leave.
Anguish grips my heart and I don’t know how I manage to speak in a careless tone, “Oh.”
I shouldn’t show how I feel…“Are you going to leave then?” I can’t hold back the tinge of pain in my voice or the hurt that’s visible on my face. Till a month or so ago, I could wear a poker face around anyone. But this man has broken every defense I’ve ever had to the point that my heart break is showing on my face against my will.
Finn’s eyes widen while his hands still and he says, carefully, “I thought you couldn’t wait to get rid of me?”
There’s an odd trace of vulnerability in the token of the man who always steals kisses from me with such confidence and comes back swaggering even after I scowl and snipe at him.
My hands clench into fists on my lap and I stammer, “I – No, I mean…” I want to get the words out but I don’t know how to say them. “I would miss you.” That’s as good as a love confession from me but I fear he wouldn’t take it that way and I try to embellish on them, “I mean I—”
He releases my hair to cup my face in his hands. “If I were to ask you to abandon everything here and come with me, would you?”
Abandon everything that I’ve worked for all these years with my heart and soul? For him?
A part of me wants to say yes and the other part of me shies away from such a cruel choice. Yet I know if I let him walk away from here, I would never find another Finn. My lips part to give him an answer.
Perhaps he sees the conflict in my eyes, and he smiles. “Well, it’s a good thing I wouldn’t ask you that.”
The words are like a heavy blow, a slap in the face and a cold feeling starts sinking in, as I try to wrap my head around what he just said.
Then he adds, “I wouldn’t ask you to choose between me and your home.”
I reel from his words, trying to make sense of them and I let out a shaking breath, “What are you saying?”
Finn studies me for a few seconds as if memorizing my face and his thumb strokes my cheek, as her murmurs, “You’re such a prickly creature, like a bad tempered little kitten. You never know how to submit unless we’re in bed. Then, you hand over ownership of your body so easily. You beg so prettily, you make me lose my mind.”
My cheeks flush at the visual image his words are creating for me, but he doesn’t stop, a wondering expression on his face, mixed with awe, “I’ve never devoted this much time and effort to get a woman into my bed. And by the time I did, I wanted more from you.”
His words are giving me hope, the kind of hope that can be very dangerous, and I whisper while feeling dazed, “What do you want from me?”
“Everything.” He rubs my lower lip with my thumb, confusion, possessiveness, desire in those beautiful amber eyes. “I want your anger, your tears, your smiles, everything. Who would have thought I would fall in love with a woman who’s so stingy with her heart?”
Even as a beautiful hope now blooms in my chest, I open my mouth to protest against the stingy part.
He cups my jaw, his fingers squeezing my cheeks, making me squawk in indignation. “Don’t even think of saying you’re not stingy. I’ve never been a masochist and yet, you have me turning into one.”
I push his hand away. “Maybe you need to reevaluate yourself.”
“Smart mouth.”
I glare at him.
He raises a brow, crowding me against the driver’s seat, till he is all I can see and smell and hear, “If you think I will walk away from you and that you’re going to get rid of me so easily, you have another thing coming. I’m of Irish blood. We’re very possessive lovers.”
“When did I say I wanted to get rid of you?” I try to mu
ster my bravado, even as my heartbeat quickens, his confession alleviating my fears.
“Well, don’t you?” He questions me, narrowing his eyes.
Shyness suddenly overcomes me, so uncharacteristic that it has me bewildered, as I try to look everywhere but his eyes. “I never said I wanted to get rid of you.”
“You keep asking me when I’m leaving.”
“Well…” I fidget with his sleeve, picking up his habit. “It’s just – I don’t – I might be – also – with you.”
Finn stares at me as he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, what?”
I swallow, meeting his gaze, and then seizing onto a strand of escaping courage, I growl, “I love you, too, you idiot.” Then my entire face burns and I want to hide it from him.
Finn doesn’t let me. He holds me in place, looking stunned. “Say that again.”
I really don’t want to.
“There’s nothing wrong with your hearing,” I mutter.
He tightens his hold on my face, repeating insistently, his voice dark, “Say that again.”
I have no place to escape to and I end up having to repeat the three words that he is determined to get out of me, “I love you.”
His chest is heaving and there’s a strange emotion in his eyes, as he demands, “You mean it?”
I bite my lower lip and nod.
“Say it again!”
Now I glare at him. “Why? Are you going deaf?”
His face is breaking out in a broad smile. “You don’t have a single romantic bone in your body, do you?” And even as he says this, he’s kissing me senseless, laughing all the while.
My chest flutters as he repeats those three words against my lips, in my ear, against my cheek and by the end of it, my heart is beating so loudly, I’m sure that the next town over can hear it!
I have to push Finn off of me, mindful that we are still in front of a cemetery and I take a few deep breaths, my cheeks are flushed, my heartbeat uneven. “Let’s-“ I try to compose myself and fail, “Let’s go to the park and talk. Less people around.” If we go to the diner, people will start showing up.