by Mark Tufo
“This isn’t 2015, Michael. Diapers are not disposable. We have a finite quantity and I certainly don’t want either of the babies to go without something covering them.”
I could only think of giving a piggy back ride to one of them and having something warm, thick, and chunky rolling down the back of my neck. “Yeah...I’m sorry. I didn’t think that one through, but I can promise you I am now.”
We ate a great meal of venison steaks, obviously the source of my earlier blood appetizer. I didn’t ask how she and Oggie had brought it down. I was just thankful that they had. After the meal, I was more tired than I had a right to be. I found a decent tree to lean against. I took the babies with me. We all did a bunch of staring as we worked on getting to know each other. I know he most likely had no idea what he was doing, but MJ yawned and gave me what I can only describe as a fist bump before he called it a night. Alianna, she wasn’t quite done with assessing me. She hardly blinked as she took me in. Unnerving would be a decent word. Like any female I had ever met, she had more going on behind that gaze than I could even begin to fathom.
“You’re going to be trouble,” I told her as I kissed her forehead, then cheek.
Either she got a heavy dose of gas or she was smiling because she knew the truth of my words, but finally she yawned and joined her brother.
“I made them a small bed,” Azile said, coming to get the babies.
“They’re okay where they’re at,” I told her, getting ready to settle in for the night with a good snuggle.
“My betrothed, who has been not only absent, but dead for a number of months, comes back, and then decides that he does not want to lay with his future wife?”
“Didn’t you just have babies?”
“I would just like to hold you, Michael Talbot, to smell you, to touch your skin. And you do remember that I’m a witch, right?”
“Um...sure. Take the kids.”
“There’s some more warm water and a towel.”
Yeah, I’m as thick as a row of hedges but I’m not dumb. I scrubbed my skin raw getting cleaned up. It was a magical night and we did not even have sex. We talked, laughed, kissed, cried some, and just generally enjoyed each other’s company until the wee hours of the morning when MJ and Alianna decided they needed a snack. I took that opportunity to allow the pull of sleep to carry me under.
“You’re kind of an ass, Talbot,” Azile said.
“I promise. In my next life, if I have breasts, I’ll stay up and feed them.” That was the last thing I remember saying before I fell asleep.
Chapter 11
MIKE JOURNAL ENTRY 11
* * *
THE NEXT MORNING was sort of surreal. We were doing things any normal parents would do—cleaning, feeding, dressing children and preparing to get our work day underway. It got strange when you realized we weren’t in a house, we had no nanny or daycare to watch the kids, and our “jobs” consisted of waging war. Yeah, weird shit alright. We’d finally packed up when I broached something with Azile that had been causing me concern.
“Azile, I’m going to say something.”
“Uh-huh,” she noted.
“What’s that mean?”
“Usually, Mike, when you have to make me aware that you are ‘going to say something’ it’s more often than not something I’m not necessarily going to like.”
“Well, you pretty much pegged this conversation, then.”
“Proceed.”
“This isn’t a legal briefing.”
“It could be,” she warned.
I pulled on the collar of my shirt, which all of a sudden seemed tighter than normal. “There're some things we need to discuss, and before you ‘uh-huh’ me again, I think you need to listen.”
“I’m listening,” she urged.
“You look like you’re getting ready to incant, but okay. How are you planning on fighting?”
“The same way I always do.”
“Really? What are you going to do, put the kids in a bassinet off to the side while shit is going down all around us?”
She paused; I don’t think she’d planned this out, which was odd in its own right. “You could watch them.”
“What, like you want me to hold back a few hundred yards and babysit? Is that really where we want to keep them? I mean, in the thick of it?”
“Are you suggesting that I should sit out this conflict? Why don’t you just stay here? Between the two of us, a case could be made that I’m the stronger.”
“Woman, there is no doubt in my mind you are top-dog.” Oggie barked. “Okay, you’re up there too, buddy,” I told him. “I love how strong you are; it makes me feel pretty empowered that I’m going to marry up, as they say. But the kids add a monkey wrench factor. Now, am I going to lie and say I would rather stay home and watch them while you go off to fight the war and I have to sit and worry about your safety? No. Let’s be realistic here; I just don’t...but, umm, to put this somewhat delicately, I don’t have the ability to feed them.”
She looked ready to huff and puff and blow my house down, if I’d had one, but facts are facts no matter how you feel about them.
“So. I should just stay home and wonder if you are ever going to come back?” She was close to waterworks and those tears would immediately flood and sink my boat.
“There are two options I can see. The first is, yeah, I fight in your stead, you take care of the munchkins. I restore order and peace to the world and we live our lives together in harmony. Or second, we screw the new world order and just go far away, maybe somewhere up by the Yukon, where we live our lives together in our own peace.”
The “Azile” before I died, before she had children, would not have hesitated; fighting would have been her only option. But she had suffered through the loss of me, even though some might consider that a bonus, and she didn’t want to go through that heartache again, not to mention she had two more reasons to live.
“Could you live with yourself if we left them all?” she asked in all seriousness. I think if I had answered that I could, we would have left right there and then. Looking back, I wish that was the road we had traveled. Much easier to reconcile “what might have been” with what was to happen.
For selfish reasons, I was close to saying that I could deal with leaving them. How long it would have taken the guilt to hammer me into the ground was a different matter. “I can’t,” I told her with a sadness that was tightly wrapped in the truth.
“And if I were to find a wet nurse?” she asked.
“You would risk your children being orphans?” It came out much like everything I say, and by that I mean quickly and before I’d thought out the potential repercussions of the words while they were still safely in my head. Surprisingly, she did not respond. I’d somehow hit on the very chord that needed strumming. I was in a bit of a shock myself because it was such a rare occasion when I said the right thing at the appropriate time.
“I don’t like any of our choices,” she told me as she leaned her head into my chest.
“You are now officially welcomed into my world.”
“Wait…did you say you were going to marry me?” She looked genuinely surprised.
“Of course, I need to make an honest woman of you. We can’t have the local town folks talking about this. It could be a potential scandal, an unwed mother of two.”
“So you want me to marry you because of what others may say?”
“Pfft, of course. Because that’s all that really matters.”
She punched me.
“And I truly love you.”
“That’s better.”
“Not sure if it means the same if you have to beat it out of me though.” I smiled.
We had an awkward moment a minute later when I headed off to the east and her, the west. We both asked each other where we were going. “I’m going to walk you home,” I told her.
“Why wouldn’t I just stay in Denarth?” she had the nuts to ask.
“Listen, we both k
now I’m never going to be nominated for a Nobel Laureate.”
“I’m surprised you even know what that is,” she smiled slyly.
“I know we’re on the road; I didn’t think you’d brought your show with you. Okay, so we’ve established my lack of brain power. I’ve still got enough wits to know what’s going on. The war centers around Denarth.”
“Oh, you figured that out all on your own?”
“You’re stalling, woman. We made a decision.”
“I had a decision thrust upon me.”
“Yeah...definitely thrust.” And for some insane reason, I felt the need to do a pelvic plunge.
“I am in love with a man that has the mind of an adolescent boy.”
“Wake up, Azile, we all have the mind of a sex-crazed teenager. Some of us are just better at hiding it.”
“I guess you’ll never be accused of that.”
“I don’t have a problem with that.” I was apprehensive as she sought ways around the dilemma that I was indeed cornering her into. I didn’t know what else to do, how else to protect the family I now found myself immersed in. I died; I had been reborn, in a sense, and had really been in a rush to get back to dead. Now, I wanted to stick around for a while, help launch a fresh batch of Talbot blood into the world. Although who knows? They might be better off finding their own way without the detriment of their old man to facilitate it.
For a while, we were going so slow I thought she was dragging her feet. At some point, she’d come to an acceptance of what was going on or, at least, some terms she could live with.
“I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” she finally said.
I waited for her to continue.
“We both know you could get into trouble just going to the store to buy bread.”
Again I said nothing. What could I say? She was right. From the moment I’d told that demi-god to basically kiss my ass, there hadn’t been much in my life that wasn’t dictated by the strangest of events and the most savage of twists. Hell, one time I’d gone straight from cleaning my garage to confronting a yeti. Seriously, man, how does that shit happen?
“How many situations have I pulled you out of in just the past year?”
I waited for a heartbeat. “Was that rhetorical or do you really want an answer?” I honestly didn’t know.
“No, I don’t want an answer! What is it about you that draws me in? You are the human equivalent of a FUBAR.”
“Come on, Azile. You know I hate it when you hold back, when you don’t speak your mind.”
She couldn’t help it, she let the tiniest puffs of air out her mouth and a torrent of giggles followed immediately after. “That’s why,” she finally said. “When I was thirteen and putting together my ‘dream man’ I never thought his ability to make me laugh would carry the weight it does. I thought my perfect man had to be built like a Roman God, have long, blonde, flowing hair, and be serious and brooding.”
“Wow. I’m literally zero for five.”
“What thirteen year old truly knows what she wants or needs?” She leaned in and placed the side of her head on my arm. We walked on at a decent pace. Had to stop only a couple of times to top off the babies’ tanks and do a little clean up from spillage. That was “code” for crappy diapers. I made sure Oggie and myself had to be someplace else whenever I got a whiff of something foul upon the wind. It had not been that long ago I’d dealt with zombies and it was a toss-up which one of those things smelled worse. I could not fathom how things so tiny could release so much pungency. I had a life-saving epiphany after a particular stinky stench wafted by. I was just about to ask Azile what the hell had she been eating that could be passed along in her breast milk that was curdling into their young digestive systems and coming out as toxic sewage. Well maybe it wasn’t an epiphany. Oggie actually saved me by barking and breaking up my train of thought before I could speak. Like, maybe he’d known of the dangerous situation I was building up to.
We just kept going, I had not realized just how dark it had gotten until I noticed this soft bluish glow radiating out from Azile that was illuminating the path ahead of us.
“That’s pretty cool...but why don’t we just call it a night?”
“Because we’re close and I haven’t slept on a real mattress in weeks and my back is killing me.”
I don’t know how she knew we were close. There were no street signs, and every path we were on was mostly dirt and tree-lined. It was like looking for a certain Waldo in a book full of Waldos. There was a low rumble of warning from Oggie; I reached down to touch him. His fur was standing up and bristled.
“What’s up, boy?” I looked around. Azile had kept moving. A sense of anxiety and dread washed over me. I expected something to come out of the woods and quickly obliterate the world I was attempting to create. The fragility of life could be suddenly wiped out by the random actions of another, whether human or beast. I was so fixated on Azile, I had not figured the attack would be targeted on me.
Oggie froze. No, like, I mean, literally. I had got down on my haunches and had a hand on his side. His muscles were thrumming right under the surface but he could not make any of them move. A high pitched whine escaped his muzzle.
“What the fuck?” I said in alarm. “Azile! That green scarecrow is back! We’re being attacked!”
She turned; the bluish light gave her an ethereal look, and if I’m being honest here, a slightly dead look. I thought my heart was going to freeze-up just like Oggie’s body.
I cried out when I felt something rub up against my calf; I pushed away with my legs and was in mid-flight when I saw a spider roughly the size of a fucking pit-bull. I skidded on my ass for a few feet. I was in a full-on panic mode.
“Sebastian! Stop that.” It was Azile. If her words were meant to contain any discipline, it would have been hard to enforce because of the merriment in which they were delivered.
The eight legs began to dissolve into the more traditional four, then a feline head sprang forth from the body of the grotesquery. It was a few moments longer before I could reconcile my previous imagery with what I was seeing now.
Azile was having a grand old time. I was less than amused. Oggie whimpered some more before the damned enchanted cat let him go. Oggie wisely backed up and got next to me. We stood a chance together against the beast in case she once again turned her attention to us. Although now she had run up to Azile and was purring heavily against her leg.
“Fucking cats, Oggie. I fucking hate cats.”
Oggie let out a whisper of a bark to say we were unified in our feelings.
“You coming?” Azile seemed to be hovering a foot or so off the ground, although going by her movements, I figured was actually climbing hidden steps.
“If the cat goes in, me and Oggie are probably going to find some lodging elsewhere.”
“Suit yourself. I have dog treats, Oggie. Come, Sebastian.” She climbed another stair; that was really a disconcerting sight watching her levitate like that.
Oggie looked to me, even had the audacity to lick my face, then bounded after Azile.
“Traitor!” I called after him. He jumped up the steps and across a deck that I, again, could not see, and then disappeared, going in and past some threshold. Azile followed Sebastian in. I now found myself alone, on my ass, and deep in the woods, pouting. Azile came out onto the deck a few moments later; she was wearing a low cut, azure dress that left little to the imagination in terms of where her curves were. Her hair had a fiery glow, and well, she looked absolutely majestic.
“You coming in, Talbot?”
“I could probably be persuaded.” I stood and dusted my ass off.
Azile bent seductively at the waist. The, um, enhancements my babies had given her were nearly in full view. Something got caught in my throat as I swallowed my tongue. She stood back up but the spell had been cast, and I’d been thoroughly ensnared. The closer I got the more magnificent she looked. I kissed her and had designs on doing something a little
dirtier as we supposedly floated in the air.
“Get in the house,” she smiled.
I walked in, my...err...lower protrusion momentarily forgotten as I looked about me. The house was bathed in electric light. Music was playing in the other room. I’m not kidding, I almost cried when I heard it, it had been so long since melodic sounds had caressed my ears.
“‘Tupelo Honey’...Van Morrison,” Azile said as she shut the door behind her.
My eyes were shiny with tears. “I almost forgot what music sounded like,” I told her as I moved closer to the origin of the sound. It was a red iPod sitting in a Bose cradle. The sound was deep, rich, and most welcome. I listened to the rest of that song, then most of an old Janis Joplin tune.
“How?” I could barely hold my emotion in. The house looked like I’d stepped back in time. Lights, music, the smell of something wonderful cooking in the kitchen. I knew we were dealing with powerful magic because Sebastian was sidling up to Oggie and the dog wasn’t trying to run. I’ve had some of the strangest events happen in my extended life, so when I say that this was one of the weirdest and most welcome, I had plenty of past material to wade through. We ate a meal of pasta and garlic bread. When we were done, we sat on the couch, each holding a baby. Oggie lay by my feet, gnawing loudly on a peanut butter-laced bone. Sebastian batted around a ball of yarn while trying to decide who she was going to murder next and how to get away with it.
I mean, basically for a brief moment in time, we were fucking normal. Like Ozzie and Harriet normal. I was wondering if the neighbors were going to show up with a bottle of wine and we would play a rousing game of Pictionary. It was so insane to be in this bubble of Stepford, but, unfortunately it was indeed the eye of a raging tempest of a storm, and I knew this somewhere in the back of my mind. Eventually, we put the babies to sleep in a room she had prepared. There were two cribs and pictures of Disney characters, no lemmings, painted on the walls. I wasn’t sure if Shrek was great nighttime material but who was I to say? Every childhood contains friendly monsters. A small nightlight in the corner projected an image of stars and the moon onto the ceiling, giving the room a warm and comfortable feeling.