by Megyn Ward
She closes her eyes. “I’ve ruined the honeymoon. Will you ever forgive me?”
Shit. I find the remote and punch on some stupid HBO movie just to make her think everything is fine.
I stay up most of the night, pacing the hotel room, hating that I haven’t told Erika I can’t marry her. Hating that I left Lauren believing I don’t love her.
As soon as Erika wakes up and isn’t quite so sick, I’m going to tell her. I have to.
Chapter 23
Lauren
Ellie is a chattering racecar speeding to the finish line as we make our way from the parking lot to the Paradise Found office. I talked to Kylie this morning. She said Zach’s mother is improving. They’re planning on returning tomorrow. I’m glad on two counts. First, that the medical danger seems to have passed. But also because I will be off the hook for being a dive master.
That last bit is not because I mind helping Kylie out or that I hate being a dive master or any of that. It’s because I’m struggling to keep being in public every day. And I’m at a loss what to do with Ellie. Gram isn’t feeling up to keeping her. I didn’t even ask. Gram is old and doesn’t need full-time daycare duties.
There is no way in hell I’m leaving Ellie any place where Jonas and Simone can get their hands on her. They’d have her at a studio and contracts signed within fifteen minutes. And don’t even worry they aren’t her legal guardians. Jonas would find a way around that minor detail.
So, hand in hand, Ellie and I enter the dive shop and I dread Diana’s reaction.
She looks up from behind the desk where she’s arranging the manifests. “Well, what have we here?” She gives Ellie the most welcoming smile I’m immediately put at ease.
I pick Ellie up and plop her on the tall counter in front of Diana. “Gram is under the weather. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind keeping Ellie with you while I’m on the boat today.”
Diana pats Ellie’s pudgy leg. “We’ll have a grand time.”
I see a bit of worry in Diana’s face. When Ellie’s back is turned, I mouth, “Sorry.”
Diana shrugs. “It’s pretty quiet around here when the boats are out and there’s no lesson going on. It’ll be nice to have some company.”
I know she’s lying and I love her for making Ellie feel wanted.
I let Ellie dog me while I get the tanks loaded and weights laid out on the dock for the divers. The dive master substitute, Michael, shows up a little later. He’s not someone I’ve worked with before but he seems nice enough. We talk about where we’ll take our customers and agree on a couple of sites.
The first divers arrive and I brace myself to assume my farmer’s daughter persona. Happy, light-hearted, simple and wholesome. Ellie takes the heat off me by being her regular charming self. It doesn’t take long to get everyone on board.
I plant a kiss on Ellie’s cheek and tell her to be good. I watch her and Diana holding hands and waving as we pull away from the dock.
What am I going to do for income? How can I wave at my little girl every day and trudge off, leaving her in the care of others? I know. Mothers everywhere do it. They raise happy, capable people and they have balanced, meaningful lives.
You could use a little balance and meaning, dude. You’re afraid to leave your compound and when you do, you wear big sunglasses and a hat and pretend you were raised in Minnesota.
Gram is forcing me to face a fear that seems bigger than me. The reality TV fans might find it ironic that one of their most popular stars is afraid to leave her house. The really frightening thing is that it seems to be getting worse.
I hide behind my sunglasses and watch the divers pulling on wetsuits and gearing up. Do they recognize me? Will the tabloids have pictures of me and Ellie on their covers this week?
I’m not up to schmoozing with the divers, something I usually pull off with minimal effort. Maybe it’s been too many days in a row. Maybe because Gram is sick. Simone and Jonas’s escapade with trying to get Ellie into TV might have me rattled.
I retreat up to the platform above the boat floor. This is the helm, where Robert drives the boat. Kylie and Zach like us to stick around with the divers and banter with them. I usually have no trouble with that.
It’s because Blake is flying out today. With his fiancé. And he’s never coming back.
Suddenly, everything falls on my head and its weight smothers me.
What the hell is happening? I’ve always taken whatever life throws and kept my cool. But I’m struggling to stay calm. How is Ellie? Is Diana distracted and letting Ellie play on the dock, possibly falling into the ocean and being swept to sea?
My heart thuds against my ribs and I have a hard time pulling in a breath.
I look up to see Robert staring at me. “How are ya doin’? You look pale.”
“I’m okay.” I sound like I poured a gallon of gravel down my throat. “I need some water. We about there?”
Robert doesn’t alter his look of concern. “Not far. We can take the group back to dock if you don’t feel good.”
I’m a professional, for godsake. How many times had I gone on camera acting happy and excited when I’d been so pissed at Simone I would gladly have slit her throat? Or cried over the wrong color of cake frosting when I hate cake and find frosting disgusting? Acting the part of the friendly dive master ought to be as easy as a Sunday afternoon by the pool.
With a shake of my head and relaxing of my shoulders, I focused on the job. I bound down the stairs from the helm as Robert slows and cuts the engine and clap my hands. “Okay, let me give you the low down on today’s dive.”
Chapter 24
Blake
The sun is already over the top of the hotel when Erika finally stretches and rolls over to see me. She smiles at me. “Did you stay up all night?”
“How do you feel?” I’m anxious to get this over with and want to make sure she’s not still sick.
She sits up. Mascara is ringed under her eyes and her hair looks like a tornado. She smacks her lips a little. “You know, if you could find me a Gatorade or something, I think that would help.”
It’s the least I can do before I send her into a tailspin. I really believe she’ll get over me quickly. Part of me is relieved to put off this awful conversation a few more minutes. The other part of me sees the time ticking and knows Lauren will be out on a boat soon. “I’ll be right back.”
Erika blows me a kiss. “You’re such a sweetheart.”
Sweetheart. Yeah, that’s what every guy wants to be… when they’re five-years-old.
When I return, the shower is running. I open the bathroom door and set the Gatorade on the bathroom counter. “There you go,” I shout above the running water.
She pulls the curtain back enough I can see one breast. “I brushed my teeth. Why don’t you join me here?” She flashes the curtain back a bit more to show me more skin.
I look away. “I’m okay. You enjoy your shower.”
Enjoy your shower? That sounds like…. I don’t even know what it sounds like.
Like you are a big loser who is stuck in a situation of your own making.
I keep pacing, my stomach a gnarled mass of twisting snakes. No one on Earth takes a longer shower than Erika on a good day. Today, it’s endless. The sun climbs and now I know it’s too late to talk to Lauren before she’s out with divers.
The shower stops. A half hour ticks by and the blow dryer roars. After that, it’s another half hour. I’m not in a hurry anymore.
Eventually, Erika peeks out of the bathroom. She’s all made up, even false eyelashes. Those puppies are not going to look good when she starts to rain tears. She has a towel loosely wrapped around her. It barely covers her butt and she wiggles it to get me excited.
It might have worked a week ago. Now, I’m miserable being in the same room with her. “We need to talk.” That’s about the lamest beginning in the universe.
She holds up a finger. “First, I need to eat something.”
Eat? She hasn’t had enough o
f that?
She must read my face because she gives me one of her cute grins. “I got rid of everything in my tummy. I need some toast and maybe an egg before I can even think.”
So, that’s what we do. The hotel restaurant is still serving breakfast, even though it’s climbing toward noon now. Erika takes her time, ordering another cup of weak tea after she finishes her breakfast. “You barely touched your omelet.”
I push the plate away. “Not hungry.”
She kisses the pad of her index finger and touches my lips. “That’s because you’re so tired from looking after me all night.”
I don’t grab her finger and yank it off her hand, as I’d like to. She’s right, though. I am tired. It feels like the sands of the Sahara are drifting in my eyes and my head feels stuffed with lead. “We really need to talk.”
She responds with baby talk. “You sound so serious. We’re on our honeymoon. We should have fun. Let’s go to the beach.”
If I say yes, that will mean we need to go to the room and change clothes. “Okay.”
Once in the room, Erika swishes her hips again. She never showed this much interest in sex the whole time we’ve been together. “Come on, Blakey. Show me what you’ve got. It’s been days and I’m so horny.”
I’ve never heard her use that word and it drops off her tongue with such an awkward ring. She’s trying so hard. She must have some inkling what’s about to happen.
I take her hand and sit her on the bed while I perch on the edge of the chair, with my forearms resting on my knees.
She frowns at me, her full lips pushed out and her head tilted like a puppy dog. “What’s the matter, honey?”
I close my eyes briefly at the endearment. “I am so sorry.”
She shakes her head and already, tears pool.
I don’t want to take her hand but it feels like something I should do. Still, I can’t reach out to her. “I can’t marry you.”
Her hand flies to her mouth and her eyes flood. “Oh.”
I force myself to stay seated but I want to pace some more. I’m filled with this awful feeling of failure and regret. “I was wrong to ask you and I’m just so sorry.”
She keeps staring at me while tears stream and her hand stays over her mouth. How can someone cry so quickly and thoroughly?
The only thing I can think to do is hand her tissues.
She takes them and dabs at her eyes. She doesn’t quite sob but her voice sounds rusty and creaks. “What did I do wrong?”
Oh god. It would be so much easier if she’d get mad. “Nothing. I swear. You’re wonderful. It’s me.”
Ugh. It’s me. What a fucking cliché.
“I mean, I convinced myself I was in love with you because you’re such a great girl.”
She squeaks. “You are in love with me.”
It’s so wrong that I want to yell at her to speak like a grown up. Cry if you need, but don’t squeak and whimper. “You have taken such good care of me. Always kind and attentive. I wanted to love you because you’re great. But the truth is, I don’t, and never did.”
She shakes her head. I can’t believe this is the only time she’s argued with me and it’s an argument she’ll never win. “You had sex with me. You told me you loved me. You asked me to marry you. That means you love me. You just have cold feet about the wedding.”
She always sort of whispers the word sex, as if it’s a curse. “No, Erika, that’s not it.”
She’s on a roll now. She nods her head and sniffs her tears. “Yes. Cold feet. Guys always get that when the wedding gets closer. You’ll see, though. It’s going to be fine. We’ll get married and have beautiful children. Right? Think of our kids. They deserve to have two happy parents who love them. And they will.”
I knew this was going to be tough. But this is even harder than I expected. I finally reach out and take her hand. “I’m sorry. I know what I did to you is terrible. But you’ll find someone new. I know it.”
She breaks down and those eyelashes are hanging on for dear life. “But I love you. You haven’t even seen the dress I bought to wear for you. We have a china pattern and gift registry. And the apartment we were going to find together.”
I try to keep my voice as kind as possible. “Listen to yourself, Erika. It’s not me you’re in love with. You love the idea of being married and settling down. Having kids and a home.”
She shakes her head, big heaving sobs now. “That’s not true. It’s you, Blake.”
I feel so bad for her. What kind of monster am I to have made her believe I loved her? “I’m sorry. But you’ll see. Some other guy is going to fall head over heels in love with you and you won’t even remember my name.”
Black mascara cascades down her cheeks and the false eyelashes on her left lid breaks loose on the inside corner, dangles for a brief moment, then tumbles onto her lap. “You’re the love of my life and you just dumped me in a foreign country.”
She makes it sound bad. Because it is.
“I’m sorry.” Jesus, it’s the only thing I can think to say.
She sniffs and wipes her nose. I hand her more tissues and wait while she cries some more. Just when I think she’s tapering off she says, “Oh my god. The invitations. I ordered them. What are we going to do?”
There’s a moment of panic. I admit I haven’t paid a lot of attention so I don’t know how many guests her family has invited. But my list was about 100. “Have they gone out, yet?”
She shakes her head. “But the Save the Dates went out a month ago.”
Oh yeah. That was one of those things I thought was a stupid waste of money but since it seemed important to her and I wasn’t paying for it, I let it go. “It’s only a save the date. If they don’t get an invitation they’ll forget about it. I say we don’t do anything unless they contact us and ask.”
She breaks down and wails. I’m trying to be sympathetic. “Do you want me to contact everyone and let them know?”
She shakes her head and that little girl squeak sets my teeth on edge. “No. I want you to marry me. I can make you happy. Haven’t I done that? I cook and clean and run errands. I have sex with you. Isn’t that what you want? Do you want me to be a dirty girl? I can do that.”
“No, Erika. I want you to be yourself. I don’t want you making changes to please me. When you find the right guy, you’ll discover you don’t have to change. He’ll love you for who you are.”
She starts in again, shoulders shaking. “I’m nobody without you.”
This is excruciating. Lauren has always known exactly who she is. Even when she spent most of her time pretending to be someone else. She’d never fall apart like this. She might get mad and murder me. But she wouldn’t let me destroy her.
It was time to get practical or she might go on like this all day. “Look, Erika. How can I help you? Do you want me to book your airplane ticket back to New York?”
“No.” Sob. Cry. Grab more tissues. “Yes. That would be good.”
I stand up to get my phone, relieved to have some action to perform. She grabs my hand and holds it to her mouth to give it a watery kiss. “There’s something I want you to do for me.”
At this point, I’m willing to do almost anything. The guilt of her pain is ripping me apart. “Okay.”
She sniffles again and those brown puppy dog eyes plead with me. “I understand you don’t love me anymore.”
I don’t correct her to say, never loved you.
“But can I just have a little more of you? Just a few moments? Can you just lay with me here?”
I start to shake my head. “Erika, I don’t think—.”
Fat little ponds of tears slide down her full cheeks. “Not for sex or anything. Just, hold me. Give me a minute to figure out how to let you go.”
This is not something I’m comfortable with. But Lauren won’t be back into the dock for two more hours. Maybe this would be the kindest thing I could do for Erika.
“Okay. For a little bit.”
She
lays down and curls with her back to me. Still with all my clothes on, I slide next to her and spoon her. “I’m really sorry,” I whisper into her hair.
She whispers back, “I know you are.”
I put an arm around her waist and she starts to cry quietly while I wait for the storm to pass.
Chapter 25
Lauren
It’s been a long day of diving. I haven’t bonded at all with the divers. They annoy me and I’m not their favorite dive master. I’ve pointed out the sights, the eagle ray, the moray eel, the giant lobsters. But not with any enthusiasm. I impatiently watch the dock grow as we get closer, irritated by the sea spray and the chatter of the divers.
Ellie runs to the edge of the dock and Diana is close behind. They wave at us and Ellie blows kisses, delighting the divers.
I’m relieved Ellie seems fine and Diana is her usual professional self, friendly with the outgoing divers. She makes arrangements with Michael to return tomorrow. Kylie and Zach will be back the day after that.
When the divers and Michael are gone, Diana and I are closing up shop for the day. I look out the window at Ellie playing hoppy toad on the dock. “Thanks so much for looking after Ellie.”
Diana follows my gaze. “No problem. She might have been a little bored. There’s not a lot to do around here when I’m working.”
I nod. “I know. I only have tomorrow and then everything will get back to normal.”
No, it won’t. You still need to figure out how you’ll make an income and raise Ellie and bring yourself to actually sell your paintings.
“She’s adorable,” Diana says. “She looks like Blake, you know.”
My heart stutters and I clutch the counter. “Yeah. I see it every day.”
Diana catches my gaze. “She even has some of his mannerisms, like the way she tilts her head. Even if that arm folding thing is totally you and Kylie.”
I laugh. “Yeah, she’s got our stubborn streak.”