by Susan Meier
“So you say, but I don’t think so. I see the part of you that you’re trying to hide, or forget, or punish. I don’t see the past.”
“You’re lucky.”
“No, Danny, I’m not lucky. It’s time. Time for you to move on.” She held out her hand. “Come home with me. Start again.”
He stared at the hand she offered. Delicate fingers. Pretty pink fingernails. Feminine things. Soft things. Things that had been missing from his life for so long. A million possibilities entered his head. A million things he would do, could do, if he took that hand, took the steps that would put him in Grace’s world again. He could teach Sarah to walk. Hear her first word. Hear the first time she called him daddy. Sleep with Grace. Use the spaezle maker. Steal kisses. Share dreams. Spend Christmas as part of a family.
None of which he deserved.
“I can’t.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
DANNY TURNED AWAY and though Grace’s gut reaction was to demand that he talk to her, she didn’t. Tears filled her eyes. Tears for him as much as for the wonderful future he was denying both of them, and she turned around and walked out of the hearing room.
Robbie was waiting. “You okay?”
She managed a smile. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“You’re awfully generous with him.”
“That’s because he’s so hard on himself.”
“Be careful, Grace,” Robbie said, directing her to the stairway that led to the courthouse lobby. “Men like Danny Carson who have a reputation for taking what they want don’t like to lose. You may think that by “granting” him shared custody you were doing him and your daughter a kindness, but you had him over a barrel and he knew it. He may have just played you like a Stradivarius. Made you feel sorry for him so that you’d give him what he wanted, since he knew he probably couldn’t beat you in court.”
“I don’t think so. I know Danny better than you do. He wouldn’t do something like that.”
“You think you know Danny?”
“I know Danny.”
“Well, you better hope so because what we got on the record today—you saying you believed he was capable of caring for Sarah—negated any possibility we had of using his son’s death in future hearings.”
Grace gasped. “I would never use his son’s death!”
Robbie held up his hand in defense. “Hey, I’m okay with that. Actually I agree that it would be cruel to use his son’s death against him. I’m just saying be careful. This whole thing could backfire and you could end up fighting for your own daughter.”
“I won’t.”
Robbie shook his head. “God save me from clients in love.”
“It’s that obvious?”
“Yes.” Holding open one of the two huge double doors of the courthouse entrance, Robbie added, “And if Danny’s as smart as everyone claims he is, he’ll use it. Better put my number on speed dial.”
* * *
Reading to Sarah in the rocking chair that night, Grace thought about the look on Danny’s face when she stated for the record that she wanted their shared custody agreement upheld.
She shouldn’t have been surprised that he expected her to testify against him. He was angry with himself and nothing she said or did could change that. No matter how sad he appeared or how much she’d simply wanted to hug him, she couldn’t. A man who couldn’t forgive himself, especially for something so traumatic, wasn’t ready for a relationship and he might never be. It had broken her heart when he refused her offer to return home. As much for him as for herself.
But at least she had her answer now.
With Sarah asleep in her arms, Grace set the storybook on a shelf of the changing table and rose from the rocker. She laid Sarah in her crib, covered her, kissed her forehead and walked down the steps.
It wasn’t going to be easy sharing custody with a man she loved but who could never love her. But she intended to do it. Actually she intended to do the one thing she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do the night she rushed down to his beach house bar to see if he felt about her the way she felt about him. She was going to pine for him. She intended to love him forever, quietly, without expectation of anything in return because the real bottom line to Danny’s trouble was that nobody had ever really loved him. At least not without expectation of anything in return. His parents expected him to take over the family business. His ex-wife held him responsible for their child’s death. The people who worked for him wanted a job. His investors, even investors he considered friends, like Orlando, needed his expertise. Nobody loved him without expectation of anything in return.
So she would be that person. She might never be his wife, but she would be there for him in all the right ways, so that he could see that he was okay and that life didn’t always have to be about what he could give somebody.
Two Mondays later when Robbie called and told her that the judge’s order had come down, Grace sat quietly and listened as her lawyer explained how she was to have Sarah ready at six o’clock that Friday night. With every word he said, her chest tightened. Her eyes filled with tears. It was easy to say she intended to love Danny without expectation of anything in return when the situation was abstract. But now that shared custody was a reality she suddenly realized loving Danny meant denying herself. At the very least, she would spend every other week without her daughter.
She hung up the phone, glad for four days to prepare herself to see him, and managed to greet him with a smile Friday evening. With Sarah’s diaper bag packed and sitting by the door, she put Sarah into his arms.
“Hey, Sarah Bear,” he said softly and the baby hit him on the cheek with her rattle. He laughed nervously. “I guess she’s forgotten who I am.”
“Maybe,” Grace said, trying to sound strong and confident, but with Danny standing at her door, refusing to go beyond the foyer, wearing a topcoat and scarf because western Pennsylvania had had its first snowfall of the season, it seemed as if the Danny she loved no longer existed. The guy in jeans and a T-shirt who made pancakes seemed to have been replaced by the man who ran Carson Services.
“We won’t need that,” Danny said, nodding at the diaper bag, as he struggled to contain Sarah who had begun to wail in earnest and stretched away from Danny, reaching for Grace. “I have a nursery full of things.” For the first time since he’d arrived, he met her gaze. “I also hired a nanny.”
“Good.” Tears clogged Grace’s throat when Sarah squealed and reached for her. “Stay with Daddy, Sarah,” she whispered, pushing the baby back in Danny’s arms, then fussing with Sarah’s jacket as she slowly pulled her hands way.
But with her mom this close, Sarah all but crawled out of Danny’s arms again, with a squeal that renewed her crying.
Pain ricocheted through Grace. “Maybe we should have broken this up? Had her do an overnight visit or two before we forced her to spend an entire week.”
“It’s going to be hard no matter how we do it. Let’s just get this over with.”
He opened the door, not even sparing Grace a glance, taking her daughter.
“If she gives you any trouble, just call,” Grace said, trying to keep her voice light and bright as he walked away, but it wobbled.
Already on the sidewalk, striding to his car, Danny said, “We’re fine.”
And he left.
Watching his car lights as they disappeared into the night, Grace stood on her stoop, with her lawyer’s words ringing in her ears, suddenly wondering if Danny really hadn’t tricked her.
Could he have put on jeans a few times, made a couple of pancakes and cruelly lured her into loving him, all to take her child?
* * *
Danny entered his home, sobbing Sarah on his arm. “Elise!” he called, summoning his nanny.
She strode into the foyer. Tall and sturdily bu
ild, Elise wore a brightly colored knit cardigan over a white blouse and gray skirt. She looked like she could have stepped out of a storybook, as the quintessential nanny.
“Oh, my. This little one’s got a pair of lungs!” Elise said with a laugh, and reached out to take Sarah from his arms. But as Danny handed the baby to her nanny, he felt odd about giving over Sarah’s care so easily. He remembered that Grace had told him that she didn’t want to share his nanny because caring for Sarah was part of her quality time.
After shrugging out of his topcoat, he reached for Sarah again. “Tonight, I’ll take care of her.”
“But—”
“At least until she adjusts to being here.”
Elise took a breath, gave him a confused smile and said, “As you wish.”
Danny didn’t care what she thought. All he cared about was Sarah. He’d thought hiring a nanny would be the perfect way to help ease Sarah into her new life, but seeing Elise with Sarah felt wrong. Sarah was his responsibility. His little girl. His daughter.
Carrying Sarah into the nursery, Danny thought of Grace. How tears had filled her eyes when Sarah had begun to cry. He’d left quickly, not to cause her pain, but to get all three of them accustomed to this every other Friday night ritual. But he’d hurt her.
Again.
It seemed he was always hurting Grace.
Still, with crying Sarah on his arm, it wasn’t the time to think about that. He wrestled her out of her jacket, little black shoes, tiny jeans and T-shirt, then rolled her into a pair of pajamas.
She never stopped crying.
He put her on his shoulder and patted her back, as he walked downstairs and to the refrigerator where he extracted one of the bottles Elise had prepared. Sitting on the rocker in the nursery, he fed her the bottle and though she drank greedily, sniffled remnants of her crying jag accompanied her sucking. The second the bottle came out of her mouth, she began to cry again.
“I’m sorry. I know this is hard. I know you miss your mom, but this is the right thing. Trust me.”
He paced the floor with her, trying to comfort her, but as he pivoted to make his third swipe across the room, he saw the books beside the rocker. The designer he’d hired to create the yellow and pink, bear-theme room had strategically stationed books on a low table within reach of the rocker. After sitting again, he took one of the books, opened it and began to read.
“Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there lived a princess. Her name was—” He paused, then smiled. “Sarah. Sarah bear.”
Sarah’s crying slowed.
“She was a beautiful child with blond—reddish-brown curls,” he amended, matching the description of the little girl in the book to the little girl in his arms. “And blue eyes.”
Her crying reduced to sniffles and she blinked, her confused expression taking him back to the first night he’d cared for her alone—the night Grace had been edgy. The memory caused him to smile. He hadn’t wanted to be alone with Sarah. Wasn’t sure he could handle her. He’d only kept the baby to please Grace.
He took a breath. This time he was caring for Sarah to protect Grace. From him. Adding a failed marriage to ignoring her pregnancy and taking her child wouldn’t help anything. He had to remember that.
“The princess lived alone with her father, the king. Her mother had died when the princess was a baby and a governess had been hired. Mrs. Pickleberry had a face puckered in a perpetual frown and Sarah would pretend to be ill, rather than spend time with her when the king was out of the palace performing his royal duties. Each time, when Mrs. Pickleberry would leave her room, sufficiently convinced that Sarah should stay in bed for the day, Sarah would crawl into her window seat, her legs tucked beneath her, her thumb in her mouth, watching, alone, for her father to return.”
Danny stopped reading. The king didn’t have a choice about leaving his daughter in the care of her governess, but Danny had choices. Lots of them. In the argument they’d had the day Grace brought Sarah to him, Grace had asked if it was better for Sarah to be raised by strangers rather than her mother. Still, that wasn’t what was happening here. Yes, Sarah would be stuck with a governess—uh, nanny—while Danny was at work, but he wasn’t taking Sarah away from her mother. Not really. Just every other week.
He glanced down. Sarah was asleep.
Thank God. He didn’t think he could take any more of the story’s inadvertent accusations. He laid the baby in her crib and stood for several minutes, just watching Sarah, basking in the joy of being a dad, considering all the things he could do for Sarah, and convincing himself that while he had Sarah, Grace could also do so many things, things she otherwise didn’t have time to do.
But the soft smile that had lit his face suddenly died. Grace might have time to do tons of different things, but she wouldn’t. She would spend every hour he had custody worrying about Sarah. Not because Danny wasn’t trustworthy, but because she would miss her. And only because she would miss her. In fact, right now, Grace was probably crying, or lonely. And he absolutely couldn’t stand the thought of it.
He wasn’t the kind of man to hurt people. But his reasoning this time went beyond his own image of himself. He couldn’t stand the thought of Grace missing Sarah because he loved her. The last thing any man wanted to do was hurt the woman he loved most in this world. And yet that was what he always did with Grace. He hurt her. When he’d met her, he was a broken, empty man. She’d reminded him of life. That Sunday night at the beach house, she’d given him a glimpse of what they’d have together if he could open up. When he couldn’t, she’d gracefully accepted that he didn’t want to see her anymore. But when she’d gotten pregnant, she’d tried one more time. When he rejected her again, she didn’t return until she had Sarah. Offering him something he truly didn’t deserve: a place in their daughter’s life. A place she hadn’t snatched away. Even knowing his dark secret, she had faith in him when he had none in himself.
Danny gritted his teeth. He knew the solution to this problem. He knew it as well as he knew his own last name.
In order to save Grace, he had to let go of his guilt. He had to try again. In earnest.
Or he had to take Sarah back to Grace. For good. No more shared custody.
* * *
Halfway to the kitchen to make cocoa, Grace heard a knock on her door and peered at her watch. Who would be visiting after nine at night?
Expecting it to be her parents, who were undoubtedly worried about her because this was her first night without Sarah, she turned and headed for the door. When she looked through the peephole and saw Danny holding sleeping Sarah, she jumped back and yanked open the door.
Reaching for Sarah, she said, “What happened? What’s wrong?”
He motioned inside her house. “Can we talk?”
Cradling Sarah on her arm, she looked down and examined every exposed inch of her sleeping baby. Her gaze shooting to Danny, she said, “She’s fine?”
He nodded. “Yeah. It’s you and I who have the problem. We need to talk.”
Grace’s heart stopped. She’d nearly had herself convinced that Robbie was right. Danny had tricked her and he had gotten everything he wanted at Grace’s expense. All because she’d fallen in love with him.
But he was back, saying they needed to talk, sounding like a man ready to give, rather than take. Still, this time she had to be strong, careful. She couldn’t fall victim to the look in his beautiful dark eyes...or the hope in her heart.
She had to be strong.
“Danny, it’s late and our lawyers said everything we needed to say—”
“Not mine. He hardly said anything. And there are a few things I need to say. Put Sarah to bed. In her bed.”
The gentleness of his voice got to her. If nothing else, Grace knew with absolute certainty that Danny loved Sarah. Knowing her lawyer would probably be angry th
at she talked to Danny without counsel, Grace stepped aside so Danny could enter.
As she turned to walk up the steps with the baby, she saw Danny hesitate in her small entryway.
Remembering he was always more at ease in her home when she gave him something to do, she said, “I was just about to make cocoa. You could go in the kitchen and get mugs.”
“Okay.”
When she returned downstairs, Grace saw he had only gotten as far as the stools in front of the breakfast counter. Again noting his hesitation, Grace said, “Don’t you want cocoa?”
“I’d love some.”
He sounded so quiet and so unsteady that Grace didn’t know what to say. She set the pan on the stove and poured in milk and cocoa, waiting for him to talk. When he didn’t, she lowered the flame on the gas burner and walked to the breakfast bar.
“Did something happen with Sarah?”
“No. She was fine.” He caught her gaze. “Why did you do this? Why are you letting me have her every other week?”
She shrugged. “You’re Sarah’s dad. She loves you. You love her.”
He caught her gaze. “And that’s it?”
“What else is there?”
“You didn’t give Sarah to me to try to force my hand?”
“Force your hand?” She laughed. “Oh, my God, Danny, when have I ever gotten you to do anything? You didn’t believe I slept with you because I liked you. You were sure I had an agenda. You didn’t believe I was pregnant when I told you. You kicked me out of your office. You were so suspicious of me when I suggested shared custody that you insisted on the agreement. If there’s one thing I know not to do it’s try to force you to do anything.”
“You didn’t give me Sarah so that I’d be so grateful I’d fall in love with you?”
After a second to recover from the shock of that accusation, she shook her head sadly. He really did believe that people only did nice things when they wanted something from him. “Oh, Danny, I didn’t give you time with Sarah to drag you into a relationship with me.”