by Mercy Amare
She nodded. “I think I am.”
ROXY
Even from the outside, the music was loud, and the smell of cheap beer was strong in the air. I knew that it was going to be lame, but I wanted to go anyway.
Usually, the thought of being around people would give me a panic attack, but not today... Not since Aiden was with me. I was actually looking forward to sharing this first experience with him.
“So what do we do now?” I asked, sort of excited.
“We drink... socialize...” he answered. “I'm actually not very good at this either.”
“Oh come on, Mr. Football. You're a star athlete. I'm sure you know how to socialize. Especially at a celebration! You won! Boo Crimson Tide!”
He laughed. “Oh you're such a good cheerleader.” He took my hand and pulled me inside.
As soon as we walked in, I could hear nothing but music, and lots of voices. Everybody was trying to talk over the noise. It was packed and I could feel myself start to freak out a little bit.
Aiden pulled me closer, and said in my ear, “You can do this.”
I felt braver at his words. I could do this.
The smell of alcohol was strong in the air, and I'm pretty sure that the girl next to me was smoking something that wasn't a cigarette... But I was doing this. Step one to not being crazy... Making friends. Certainly if I surrounded myself with people that liked me, they would be my motivation to stay on the straight and narrow, right?
“Aiden!” I heard somebody from behind us yell. We both turned around.
“Hey, Gary!” Aiden said back.
“Who is your friend?” he asked.
“This is Roxy. Roxy, this is my roommate and the quarterback, Gary.”
“Nice to meet you,” Gary said, shaking my hand. “Are you two... dating?”
“No,” we both quickly said together.
“Then you won't mind if I dance with her?” Gary asked Aiden. Gary started to pull me towards him.
Aiden looked at him, and then at me. He looked like he wanted to say something, but quickly shut his mouth. “If she wants to dance with you, then go ahead.”
Gary looked at me. Normally, I would say no, but tonight was about being brave. I wasn't scared anymore. I was confident. Or, at least that's what I kept telling myself.
“Sure, why not?”
I let him drag me out in the sea of people and I danced with him. He wasn't a very good dancer, but I had to admit, it was fun. Well, besides the fact that he stepped on my right foot twice.
“I think my boy has a thing for you.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked, trying to ignore the quickening of my heart beat.
“Because he's been giving me a death glare the whole time we've been dancing.”
I looked over to where Aiden was standing, and he was staring at us. “I don't think he's giving you a death glare. He's just...” I was at a loss for words. He did kind of look mad.
“He's just giving me a death glare,” Gary finished my sentence and then laughed. “You know, it's kind of a relief to see him finally into a girl. I was worried that my roommate was gay.”
I couldn't help but laugh. “We are just friends.”
“I see the way you two are practically drooling over each other. You haven't stopped looking at him this whole dance. I'd say that your feelings are mutual.”
“He deserves better than me.” It was the truth.
“Maybe you just don't see yourself clearly. Because from where I stand, you two are perfect for each other. I think maybe you're just scared.”
“Deep words coming from a quarterback.” His words were more true than I cared to admit.
“I'm thinking about becoming a psychologist,” he shrugged. The song came to an end. “You know I'm right, though. Just give your heart what it wants... It wants Aiden Dixon.”
Gary turned and walked away, and I just stood there, thinking about what he said. His words affected me more than I thought they would. Maybe I did need to just let myself move on. There was nothing I could do to change my past, but I could definitely change my future.
AIDEN
It killed me to watch Gary dancing with Roxy. He held her a little closer than I was comfortable with. And all that laughing... What was he saying that was making her laugh so hard? It took all my willpower not to go rip them apart during the middle of their dance. Once the song was over, I was relieved to see him walk away.
I decided that if I didn't want Roxy to dance with anybody else, I should just dance with her. I wanted everybody to see that she was mine... Even if she wasn't, not really. I didn't want anybody else to have her.
What is wrong with me?
I wanted to kick myself. Roxy deserved to find a guy and be happy, because I could not be that guy. No matter how badly I wanted to be, I just couldn't. But at that moment, I didn't care how selfish I was being. I wanted to dance with her... just to hold her close, even if it was only for one night.
“Dance with me?” I whispered in her ear. She shivered against my body, and I nearly lost my cool. Where was all this desire coming from?
She nodded, but didn't say a word. I pulled her into my arms, and we danced. It didn't matter that there wasn't a slow song playing, I held her close, and we swayed slowly.
I loved the way she smelled like cotton candy. I loved the way she let me lead, even though I was not a good dancer. I loved the way she felt in my arms, so tiny, and so fragile. I knew at that moment that there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I would protect her, and cherish her, like the true jewel that she was.
Roxy had been through a lot of crap in her life, I could see it in her eyes, the pain, and the disappointment. She had to try so hard at life, and I wanted so badly to make her happy. I didn't want her to have to try. I wanted to be the reason she woke up in the morning, the reason she smiled... I wanted to be her everything.
Roxy looked up at me with her smoky green eyes, and I swear my heart stopped. I had never in my life seen somebody so beautiful, and I wanted her to be mine. But for now, I had nothing to offer her. There was nothing left in me that I could give to her. She deserved so much better than me. Yet, I couldn't seem to let her go.
SIX
ROXY
After the party, Aiden decided to walk me to my dorm. He lived one floor above me. I told him it wasn't necessary that he walk me to my door, but he insisted. I think I didn't want him to because I was afraid that he would kiss me... As much as I wanted him to kiss him, I also knew that I wasn't ready.
“Did you have fun?” he asked as we walked up the stairs.
“Very much,” I admitted. “But I'm so glad you were there. I couldn't have done it without you.”
“I think you could have,” he countered. “You're stronger than you think.”
His words, though said so casually, hit me hard. “Aiden, you make me stronger. You're my... crutch. Without you I'm just a scared, and hurt little girl..”
He shook his head. “No, Roxy, it's not true. I just encouraged you to go. You had the strength the whole time.”
“Either way, thank you.” When we got to my door, there was a sock tied around it. I rolled my eyes. “Great.”
Aiden pulled out his phone. “It's one in the morning. Your roommate is very inconsiderate.”
I laughed. His words were true. Though, I'm pretty sure my roommate thought I was weird, and didn't care where I slept as long as it wasn't near her.
“Come on,” he said, putting his arm around me. “You can come hang out in my room for a while.”
I started to stop him. “No, it's ok. I don't want to be a bother. I can hang out on the roof. Certainly they won't be at it all night.”
“You are not staying on the roof, Roxy. I insist you come with me,” he grabbed my hand, pulling me behind him. I didn't put up much of a fight. As much as I hated to admit it, I wanted to spend more time with Aiden.
I followed him up the stairway, down the hallway and into his dorm room. Once insid
e, I looked around. Half of the room looked like a tornado had came through. There were clothes, empty fast food bags, and lots of other trash was covering the floor. The other side, Aiden's side, was clean... very clean. His bed was even made. Though it was very plain, white blankets and sheets, no pictures, nothing.
“Sorry about his mess,” he apologized. “Gary doesn't like to pick up after himself.”
“Somehow, after meeting your roommate, I kind of expected it to be a mess,” I laughed.
“You looked like you had fun with him.” I could hear the slightest bit of jealousy in his voice.
“I did,” I laughed. “He's a terrible dancer, but he's a very deep thinker. I didn't expect it.”
“Did you have fun with me?”
I paused, and really thought about my answer. The truth was, I couldn't remember the last time I had so much fun. “Yeah, I did.”
“Me too. You're kind of amazing.” He smiled, and I couldn't help but think about how wonderful his smile was.
“Kind of?” I joked.
He rolled his eyes. “Come on, Roxy. You know you're great.”
I suddenly felt naked. I wasn't sure how to take his compliment. After being put down my whole life, it was hard for me to understand why anybody, especially Aiden, would say something so nice about me. I didn't feel like I deserved it.
I looked down at my arms. The black ink was starting to wear off. I hadn't written on them since earlier that morning, and that was the longest I had ever gone without writing on them. I felt my hands twitch. I needed a pen.
“Are you ok?” Aiden looked at me with concern.
I was having problems breathing, and was starting to feel light headed. I knew that I was having a panic attack. I desperately needed to get out of this small dorm room.
“Roxy.” Aiden was in front of me. “Just breathe.”
I stood at the front door that led into me and my mom's tiny apartment. I wouldn't call it “home”, because truthfully, I never felt like I had a home. Just a place to sleep.
I was scared to open the door, scared of what I would find. Everyday was always different. Would today be loving mom? Or would she be the one who hated me? Maybe she would even be cationic... I loved those days, where she just sat and stared out the window, not talking. It was almost a relief. But those days didn't come often.
I took a deep breathe and finally opened the front door. I was surprised that the living room was clean. Which meant that loving mom must be back. It smelled like lemon pledge, and cookies inside.
“Emma!” my mom rushed over to me, and gently hugged me. “How was your day at school?”
My voice was tight as I replied. “It was good.”
She looked down at my arm. There was a cut that went from my elbow to my hand. It wasn't too deep, so it probably wouldn't scar, but it still hurt like hell.
“What happened to your arm?” she asked.
I cringed thinking about my mom cutting me. She smeared my blood on the windows to “keep away the demons”. But, I couldn't tell her that she was the one who did it. “I... fell.”
I knew that it was a lame thing to say, but I also knew that she would believe me. She always believed me. It's easier for her to accept a lie than the truth.
“Let's get you bandaged up,” she smiled.
When I came to, I was lying on a bed. The lights around were so bright. Somebody was saying my name.
“Roxy?”
Suddenly, a face came into focus... Aiden.
“Roxy, are you ok?”
I looked around to see that I was in Aiden's dorm room. Somehow, I was on his bed. “What happened?”
“You passed out. I think you were having a panic attack.”
I suddenly wanted to hide. “I'm so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” he asked. “I was so worried about you.”
I stood up, maybe too quickly. I grabbed onto Aiden to keep from falling over. The room was still spinning.
“Sit back down,” he instructed.
“No, I'm fine. I promise. This happens all the time. I just... I want to go back to my room.”
Aiden looked disappointed. “Ok, but I'm walking you back.”
Aiden
That night, I couldn't sleep. I was worried about Roxy. I wanted to know why she had a panic attack. What exactly did her mom do to her to mess her up so bad? I wished that Roxy would open up to me. I hated that she always shut me out. What could I do to earn her trust?
I finally fell asleep around 3 that morning, but was awakened at 7 by my cell phone. I looked to see my mom's number.
“Hello,” I answered groggily.
“Hey, Aiden,” I heard my mom on the other end. I wasn't expecting her. Usually only Aaron called me this early. “Heard you guys won the game last night.”
Why was she making small talk? “Of course. We always win,” I joked. “So what's up?”
She sighed heavily. “I was wondering if you could come home this weekend.”
I sat up in my bed. Mom has never asked me to come home. “What is wrong?”
“It's nothing, really. It just Aaron. He's been having problems at school with some of the other kids, and I think you could really help him.”
“What do you mean he's having problems?”
“He's been getting into fights,” she answered sadly. “It's silly, really. They are 7 year old boys, way too young for this kind of behavior, but he came home with a black eye on Wednesday, and yesterday another boy pushed him. When he fell, he broke his arm.”
I grabbed my duffel bag and started shoving clothes inside. “Why are you just now telling me?”
“Because if I told you yesterday you would've skipped your game to come. I couldn't let you do that.” Her voice was heavy.
My mom – always so worried about me. Does she not realize that family always comes first. “Of course I would have skipped the game! How could you not tell me?” I was kind of angry at her, even though she was right. I couldn't afford to skip a game. I could lose my scholarship.
“Calm down. Aaron didn't want you to miss your game either. He watched the game before they took him back for surgery.”
“Surgery?” Frustrated, I ran my fingers through my hair.
“Calm down. He's going to be fine. It's his left arm, and the doctor said it would heal completely.”
I shoved the last of my things into my bag. “Tell Aaron I'm on my way.”
“Thank you,” my mom said before we hung up.
I ran out the door and headed down the stairs. I once again thought of Roxy. I couldn't leave her here all by herself. I walked to her room and knocked on the door. I was surprised when somebody else opened the door.
“Hey,” the red headed girl said. I could tell she was trying to sound sexy.
“Is Roxy here?”
She looked disappointed, but stepped back. She pointed over to Roxy. She was sitting on her bed writing in a notebook. She looked up for a moment and smiled when she saw me.
“Do you have any plans this weekend?” I asked her.
She shook her head.
“Then pack up. You're going with me.”
“Ok.” She didn't question. She just got up quickly and packed a bag. Once we headed outside, she questioned. “Where are we going?”
“To my home.” I looked at the time on my phone. “If we leave now, we should get there by nine thirty.”
She looked at my car. “Is your car going to make it?”
I laughed. “I hope so.”
“Let's take my car,” she offered. “It's new. My parents gave it to me when I came here. I never use it.”
I wanted to say no, but I honestly didn't think my car would make the trip again. “You're probably right.”
ROXY
I couldn't help but question why I came with Aiden so willingly. I also wondered why he was still talking to me after what happened last night. I wouldn't have blamed him if he freaked out and never spoke to me again. But he did, and he's here. If I
didn't scare him away last night, maybe I never will.
I gave my keys to Aiden so he could drive us. He looked funny sitting behind the wheel of my car.
“Your car is so... girly,” he said.
I laughed. My car is an orange, VW Beetle. My parents surprised me with it the day before I left for Auburn University. It wasn't the car I would have picked out for myself, but I liked it. It's very fuel efficient, dependable, and it's honestly grown on me. I love my car.
The ride to Heart, Alabama was fun. We both had similar taste in music, so we sang along with the radio. Aiden wasn't the best singer, but that made it more fun. Just two friends laughing, and having a good time. It felt right, normal even.
As we got closer to Heart, I could tell that Aiden was nervous.
“Are you ok?” It was now my turn to ask him.
“Yeah.” He gripped the steering wheel tight. “I know your parents have a lot of money, so you're used to living in a nice house. My family, we aren't so fortunate.”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “Steve and Emily have only been my parents for 3 years. Before them, my life wasn't so great. My mom and me, we were really poor. We even lived in a shelter for a few months.” I cringed at the memory. “She couldn't exactly hold down a job.”
“Roxy, I'm so sorry.”
“It's ok. Besides, stuff doesn't matter to me. I'd love Steve and Emily even if they were broke.” The truth in my words surprised me. I knew that I couldn't have made it through these last 3 years without them.
I got excited when I saw a sign that said “Welcome to Heart, Alabama.”
“I have to warn you about my mom. Sometimes she gets over excited. And I've never brought a girl home,” he stopped abruptly. “Well, not that you're my girl or anything. But my mom, she will read into this. Even if there isn't anything to read into. Not that there couldn't ever be. I mean...”
I nodded and held back a laugh. “I understand. You really don't have to explain.” I loved seeing Aiden nervous.
We pulled into Shady Grove Trailer Park. It honestly wasn't that bad for a trailer park. I had seen much worse, and the neighborhood didn't seem bad. Of course, I grew up in Chicago, so anything would be better by comparison. I was used to carrying around mace, just in case.