by Rebecca Rose
Renee sat next to her husband at the table. “What do you want to do?”
“I told her I’ve done time. She really seemed all right with it. Kathy’s coming to dinner tomorrow. What more could I ask for?”
George stood and grabbed some plates from the cabinet, setting them on the counter. “I want my boys to be able to have happy lives. It’s the only thing your mother and I have ever wanted.”
“I am happy.”
“Alone, without Jake?” his father asked.
“Dad, I’m not alone. Are you going through some kind of crisis or something?”
“No, Dave, your father isn’t going through a crisis. He’s worried.”
“Why? Because I don’t have a woman? Come on, guys.” His father suddenly looked tired, the lines on his face deep from worry and the perpetual light in his eyes just a bit dimmer. He even seemed to have lost a few pounds. “What’s going on?”
“You know what’s going on, son? I’ll tell you what’s going on! My boys have had to fight for everything they’ve got. Yes, you two have gotten into your share of trouble. What boy doesn’t? But you’ve become good men. Why can’t everyone just leave you alone?”
“Sweetheart, remember your blood pressure,” Renee reminded George.
“I don’t give a flying you-know-what about that!” his father yelled.
“Well you should. Dad, park it.” Dave guided his father by the arm and made him sit. “First of all Jake and I are not a mess. He’s a very happy man who found a woman who can put up with his crap. She’s the best thing to ever happen to him and because of all the other crazy stuff he’s been through, he appreciates her. Second I’m not lonely without him. Just because he has a chick doesn’t mean I’m now lost. I have friends, I date, and I have my business. Yes, I was more trouble than most parents could handle. But the two of you stuck in there. You believed in me when I was at my worst. You didn’t write me off even when I was doped up, stealing, lying, running, or incarcerated. I can’t say I would’ve done the same. I’m here because of the both of you.
“You want to know about Kathy? There’s not much to say. Up until a week ago she didn’t seem interested. But then something changed and I’m so happy it did. We’ll see where it goes. For now I’m going to bed. Enjoy your late-night meal, get some sleep, and stop worrying.” Dave kissed his mother and father on the head. “I love you.”
“We love you too, son.”
Yes, you do. Dave smiled. And for some inexplicable reason a past moment of his darkest days flashed before him. He had gotten out of the hospital and was staying at his parents’—not a druggy friend’s pad or crashing at the strip bar he had called home more often than not.
George had come into Dave’s room and caught him cutting and weighing dope to be sold. Livid was an understatement to what Dave saw in his father’s eyes. When the argument began they were in each other’s faces screaming.
“You’re throwing your life away for those lowlife friends. They’re not worth it,” George screeched.
Dave pushed his father out of the room and against the hallway wall. “You don’t know dick. Now get the hell out of my way.”
His father’s sorrowful eyes bore into him. “Fine. Leave. But the next time you’re lying in the hospital, dying or dead, I’ll still be there. That’s what family does, love unconditionally.”
His loving father had successfully planted the seed of guilt; and instead of being remorseful Dave responded by stealing his car but not before striking the older Sanders in the face.
Dave had been so angry at what his father said. He didn’t deserve to be forgiven. The apple had fallen so far from the tree that it actually rolled down the hill and into a bog of dung to rot.
George’s Chrysler had started with a roar while Dave watched through the windshield as his father lumbered to his feet. The look of disappointment George showed toward his son was so evident and painful that it caused Dave to question himself. How could I have done that to the man who stood by me when I needed him the most?
That moment would stick in Dave’s mind forever. His father bleeding by his son’s hand. What a monster, what an animal—what a wrong road traveled. It would be two weeks before they were face to face again.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness but I’m willing to try to make up for the bullshit I’ve caused,” Dave swore to them.
And that’s what he’d done. Donations of money and his time toward any cause he believed in. Volunteering at shelters and food banks to help those less fortunate and desperate for help. Even speaking at recovery meetings in hopes he could inspire others. All of this he did for his parents and very little for himself.
* * *
“Sophie, I know it’s late. But I woke up and needed to talk to someone.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No, no. I’ll call back tomorrow.”
About to hang up, Kathy heard Sophie yell, “You hang up and I’ll come speeding over.”
“You sure?” She couldn’t wait to share the news. Like a teen crush come true, Kathy began to talk and found she couldn’t stop. “Because it’s fine. Even though I really need to talk to someone right now and I’d like it to be you. Oh, no. Is Jake there? Because I’d rather he didn’t know what we’re about to talk about. Embarrassing.”
“He can’t hear you, Kathy. What’s wrong?”
“Something’s wrong with Kathy?” Jake asked.
“No. Go back to sleep, Jake. Hold on, Kathy, I’m going in the other room.”
Kathy wiped her sweaty palms on her pajama pants while her heart jackhammered. “I should have called earlier but I was too busy arguing with myself about calling. This is so… so.…”
“Kathy?”
“Yes?”
“Does this have to do with Dave or the guy at the bar?”
“Dave, of course. Do you think I’d be so worked up if it was about that dirtball? Please! I can take care of jerks like him. Although I have to say seeing Dave punch him out was totally a turn-on.”
“I know. I saw you grab him.”
“So…”
“Yes?”
“Is oral sex sex?” At the silence on the other end of the phone Kathy began biting her nails. A nasty habit she hoped to someday grow out of.
“Umm. President Clinton said it wasn’t but, yeah, I believe it is. Kathy, what happened between you and Dave?”
“Oh… my… God! I had an orgasm right against my front door! I’m totally addicted! I want to call him and make him come back so we can do it all again but I’m afraid he’ll say no. Or worse! His parents will answer. ‘Hi, this is Kathy. Can Dave come over and play dentist with me? I have a cavity that needs filling.’ Can you imagine?” She could hear her friend’s hysterics on the other end of the receiver. Knowing how odd the situation was, Kathy couldn’t help but laugh, too. “You know this isn’t funny.”
“Oh, it is. It is!”
“It was so… so… erotic. I mean, he has a way with telling me what to do and—”
“Whoa! He tells you what to do? Like, makes you do things?”
“No, not like that. You know… in the kinky way.”
“Nice!”
“I totally forgot about being nervous and wow, it was incredible!”
“Maybe you’re a submissive,” Sophie suggested.
“A what?” She’d heard the word before but in her excitement couldn’t seem to bring the definition to mind.
“Maybe you like to be dominated?”
Did she like to be? What kind of question was that? Of course she didn’t! What woman in her right mind liked to be bossed around? She was a fully successful woman who didn’t need someone telling her what to do. Especially in bed. “Tell me you want this.” Dave’s words echoed in her brain.
“Oh, no! I think I am. Is that okay? Is there something wrong with me?”
“Kathy, calm down. It’s okay. This might actually be why it took so long.”
“I didn’t even think. I mean, I d
idn’t even try to stop him. No hesitation. Nothing. I was a total slut and loved every minute of it. I’m a whore.”
“You’re not a whore. You just had the most incredible sex of your life and enjoyed it. Right?”
“We didn’t have sex! That’s what I don’t understand. Am I going to be able to handle it when we finally do ‘it’? And what if I don’t orgasm then? What if it’s the sex part that my body doesn’t react to? I’m a miserable mess.” Her body became a jumble of nerves the moment Dave left. It caused her to pace nonstop in hopes of burning off some of the crazy energy their sexual encounter gave her. “How am I going to face him tomorrow?”
“Like you do every other day. You’ll say ‘hi’ and go to your office.”
“How did you do it? Work with Jake and not sleep with him?”
“It was different, Kathy. Jake didn’t want to sleep with me.”
“Right. I forgot about that.” She started to chew on her nails again then whispered, “He’s got a really nice dick, Sophie.”
“Umm… I’m happy for you? Congratulations? Umm… gross. You might be talking about my future brother-in-law.”
“Sorry. He has these really awesome tattoos across his chest.”
“You saw them? I haven’t gotten a look at them yet. He keeps them pretty covered.”
“Why?”
“You’ll have to ask him.”
“He told me he got them in jail.” Kathy waited a beat in hopes that this was the information Sophie had held back from her. “Maybe that’s why.”
“Probably,” Sophie answered.
“He shouldn’t be embarrassed. They’re really nice. At least they looked that way in the sliver of light I could see them with.”
“How do you feel about him doing time? I mean, does it change any of your feelings?”
Pensive, Kathy remained silent for a moment while she tried to figure out a way to say “yes” without sounding slutty. “Truth?”
“I’d prefer it. And so would Dave.”
“I know he must have done something awful but look at all he’s accomplished. I’ve never been into men with a past but with Dave it doesn’t seem to matter at all. I’m so confused. It turns me on, Soph. When I saw those tats and knew where he had gotten them, I wanted to taste every part of that man’s body. It’s so wrong, and so right.”
Sophie’s laughter rang through the phone. “It’s not wrong. Enjoy every orgasm you have with him.”
“But even though he’s dominant, he’s so gentle. It drove me crazy. Even when it felt like he was rushing, he seemed to be going too slow. Wow, it was incredible!”
“So now what are you going to do?”
“Take a very cold shower and hope I don’t make a dingy of myself tomorrow at work and tomorrow night at dinner. Please say you’re going to be there,” Kathy pleaded. “That it’s going to be all of us. Together. In a public place.”
“Yes, Jake and I will be there. There’s nothing to worry about.”
“What if his parents know what happened between us? I mean, I think they already do because they called in the middle of it but I’m afraid they’re going to see it on our faces. Maybe I should cancel.”
“Kathy, you’re not children and Dave’s parents know he’s had sex. And the different variations there are of it. You’ll be fine.”
Kathy dropped her head in her hand. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Calm down.”
“My body is still trembling. My head is dizzy. What’s wrong with me?”
“What a lucky girl! You’re still having an orgasm”
“What? They can last this long?”
“Hell, yeah. When done right. Have any brandy in the house?”
“Yeah.” Kathy jumped off the couch and quickly crossed her legs while standing. “The tickle between my legs won’t stop. Should I drink the whole bottle?”
“Of liquor? No. A couple shots and a cold shower.”
“Has this ever happened to you?”
“No. I mean they’ve lasted an hour or so after but not this long.”
Kathy’s eyes grew wide with concern. “Should I call a doctor if it doesn’t stop?”
Sophie snickered. “No. You should call Dave and tell him to get his ass over there.”
“You’re right. Okay. I’m gonna drink, shower, and dream of Dave. Goodnight, Sophie!”
Kathy hung up before her friend could answer. Erotic fantasies of Dave and insecurities about her abilities to please a man mocked her. Was she good enough? Did she want a relationship? Could she handle one? But even as she pushed her insecurities aside, the divine tremors she had been rejoicing slowly morphed into turbulent shakes. Tears rushed down her face as she dropped to the floor. Anchoring one hand to the arm of the couch she hoped it would prevent her soul from being swept away and into misery. But pain, contempt, and a child’s lost virtue tore at her in an attempt to free itself from the shackles that she had confined it with.
Todd had hit her so hard in the stomach that she never thought she’d be able to breathe again.
“No!” She raged, even as her body insisted on curling into a tight fetal ball. Don’t go back there. I need to… I need to… The murky depths of her past began to pull her down to a world of hopelessness.
Must she continuously relive this? She wanted to bask in the joy of Dave, not tarnish it with her past.
Todd then grabbed her by her hair and dragged her to the bathroom.
She thought she had finally gotten over this. Hadn’t she confronted Todd? Why did this always have to happen whenever there was a glimmer of hope, an inkling of a future? Terror and doubt were persistent in reminding her that these things could only be hers from a distance.
“You’re going to learn that I’m in charge. Me.” Todd then tossed her into the bathtub and turned the shower on, the water was ice cold. “Strip!”
The fractured truth echoed this nasty joke in her mind, and reminded her: This is your reality. Why do you ask for more when you know you can’t have it? Never have, and never will. For she’d been taught at a very young age how undeserving of it she was. Selfish people don’t get happily ever afters.
“You’re a selfish little bitch and no one will want you except me. Now wash!” He handed her a scrub brush. Clumps of hair began to clog the drain as Karma rinsed and scoured her body.
“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t realize I did it,” she pleaded.
“And now you’ll make up for it.”
Todd raped her twice that night because looking at a grocery store clerk wasn’t something she should do. After years of therapy and countless setbacks, Kathy finally understood she hadn’t deserved that beating, or any of the others that followed. Kathy also realized that she would never comprehend why her parents knew and did nothing about it.
Weeping harder didn’t seem possible. So instead Kathy curled up on her living room floor and wept until a fretful sleep took her.
Chapter Nine
Dave whistled while practically skipping into the Hungry Lion. Kathy would be there in an hour so he had to get as much done as possible. Staring at her, touching her, and being an all-around pain in the butt was what he planned on doing. Laughing at himself he unlocked the back door. She was perfect, everything he could have hoped for and never dreamed he could have. The beautiful eyes, the soft skin, and the way her body yielded and melted into his. No one had ever touched her the way he did last night. The mere thought of her low throaty moans made Dave’s body stir. He’d be her first—the one to show her the sexy woman she truly was. And yet he couldn’t help but think of the women in his past. The ones who said they were okay with the mistakes he’d made in his life and actually thought it was sexy. Oh, it had always started out great. The sex was good, the nights out were fun, but then the girls would realize he wasn’t who he used to be and they would get bored and leave. And that was the ones who stayed and weren’t trying to “reform” him when he already was. Dave shook his head at the thought, those gi
rls were the worst. He really hoped Kathy wasn’t like the others; she sure didn’t seem to be.
Dave stopped for a moment and stood in the middle of the bar while he processed the magnitude of what had transpired between them. The black sticky ink of doubt rewrote the dreams he’d written, then covered his future hopes for him and Kathy with doubt. What if she decided he wasn’t the one for her? Too much baggage.
A banging sounded on the front door knocked Dave out of his qualm. “We’re closed!” he yelled to the figure behind the stained-glass door window.
“I know!”
Dave unlocked the door as quick as he could and flung it open to reveal his oldest and closest friend. “Mitch, you dumbass, you were supposed to call when you arrived.”
“Yeah, but business pulled me here early so I thought I’d take a chance and stop in since we haven’t been able to do our get away, ogle girls, and drink lots of beer vacations.”
They shared a brotherly hug. “Well, if you hadn’t moved to New York all those years ago we’d be able to do that right here during the summer. Damn, your hair’s gotten gray. It must be the wife,” Dave teased good-naturedly.
“And the baby. They’re at the hotel sleeping so I figured I’d come over and bug you. So are you going to offer me a drink? Or do I have to get it myself?” Mitch joked.
“Yeah, yeah. Come on in.” Dave relocked the door and gestured to the bar. “What can I get ya?”
“Soda.”
“And?”
“Just soda. I’m going to be meeting with clients in a few hours.” Mitch looked around the Hungry Lion Bar-n-Grill. “This really is a great place, Dave. How long has it been since we saw each other? Three years, since my wedding?”
“I guess you’re right.” Dave shook his head. “Time even flies when you’re not having too much fun. How’s being a family man?” Grabbing his friend a soda Dave pushed down the yearning he always experienced whenever he thought of Mitch, his wife, Simone, and their new daughter