“Nah, I’m good right here.” He patted the couch cushion. He’d barely left it the last few days other than to use the bathroom and grab another beer. He hadn’t even managed to take a shower, much to Cowboy’s dismay, he was sure. “You two have a good time.”
Cowboy took a step closer. “Look, I don’t know what happened the other night, but if this has something to do with Lo leaving—”
“I said have a good time, Cowboy. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He nodded before backing off. “Sure. See ya.”
Cole drained the rest of his bottle as the front door closed. He ran his injured hand over the thick scruff on his jaw then lowered his head into his palm.
Five days. Five days since she’d stormed out that same door. Since he’d let her storm out. He should have stopped her. He should have told her the truth. He’d been afraid of the rejection, of that pitying look in her eye that told him it was all one-sided. But there was no way it could have been any worse than the way he felt now. Like his heart, lungs, and throat had been ripped out of his chest.
He hated this feeling. Had been trying to drown it every night since she left, only to wake feeling sick the next morning when it all came back. Only this time with the added bonus of a killer hangover.
Seven years. Seven years of history between them, and he’d watched it all blow up in his face after a single night. She was gone, a thousand miles away. She’d literally never been further out of his reach.
What the hell was he supposed to do now? Keep going as if he hadn’t just ruined the best thing in his life? Like he hadn’t just lost the one person he’d ever truly cared about? He had no idea when or if he’d ever see her again, and he was supposed to do what? Move on? It didn’t even feel possible.
Meanwhile, she’d go off to school, party, meet a bunch of guys. Or worse, she’d meet the one guy who would make Cole and everything they’d shared over the years nothing more than a distant memory.
Cowboy would tell him there were plenty of other girls out there. His brothers would tell him to suck it up and grow a pair. Maybe they were all right. Lo was gone and clearly not interested in him after the way she’d run out like the devil himself was on her tail. There was nothing he could do about her feelings. It was out of his control.
The only thing he could control was himself. And one thing he knew for sure—he didn’t want to feel this gaping black hole where his heart should be. He set his beer bottle aside, sniffed, and sat up straight on the couch.
Starting tomorrow, he was putting Logan Kase and her grip on his soul behind him. He’d let her go, move on the way he should have years ago. And when she finally came back into town, he’d pretend none of it had ever happened.
But first, he needed closure, something to remember all the hell she’d put him through over the years. A reminder to never lose himself to one person so completely. He couldn’t risk feeling this way over anyone ever again.
Cole shot up from the couch and darted to his bedroom, rifling through piles of dirty clothes until he found the pair of blue jeans that still smelled like smoke. He pulled the small business card from his pocket and punched the number into his phone.
He answered on the third ring. “Hello?”
“Hey, Toby? I don’t know if you remember me. I came in with a girl a few nights ago, and she got three letters tattooed on her wrist.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
He took a deep breath. “Any chance you’ve got an opening tonight?”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Judging by the height of the sun the next morning when Logan woke, it was already late. A quick glance at the clock beside her bed only confirmed it. She rubbed her swollen, sensitive eyes.
Last night had probably been the worst she’d slept since her first night in her dorm freshman year. Just like then, she’d gone to bed an emotional wreck, unable to control the immense waves that tried to drown her. Anytime she’d closed her eyes, all she could see were Cole’s as that glimmer of hope died over and over again.
She knew it was for the best, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. She spent hours remembering the good—and not so good—times they’d shared, especially in the last several weeks. She began to notice how each memory carried a certain fondness in her heart. And with each passing day, with each new challenge, that fondness had only increased. How had she not realized the way she felt about Cole until it was too late?
Logan rubbed her eyes again before she climbed out of bed and over to her bathroom. She turned the cold water on and splashed some over her face. With luck, it would help with the redness and the swelling before she went downstairs. When her eyes finally looked satisfactory, She ran a brush through her tangled hair and threw on some clothes.
Down the stairs, she could hear her parents talking in the kitchen, which wasn’t terribly surprising since her daddy had never known the meaning of the word rest.
“Hey, baby girl. I was wondering when we’d see that beautiful face again.” He was sipping his coffee and reading the paper, a big smile spreading across his face. She wasn’t sure the last time she’d seen him in such a good mood. Was it the euphoria of surviving a near-death experience or just the painkillers? “You know it’s almost eleven already, don’t you?”
Momma brought over a plate of pancakes and eggs and set it in front of her. “How did you sleep?”
“Fine,” she lied.
The chief’s eyes were fixed on the newspaper in his one good hand. “Would ya look at that. Apparently, the fire at Wade’s is front-page news around here.”
Momma laughed. “I don’t think it’s the fire so much as the two heroes who risked their lives to try to get everybody out.”
Logan’s head snapped up. “What?”
The chief turned the paper over to show Logan. Three different pictures were printed under the bold headline: a charred and dilapidated bar, her daddy in his police uniform, and Cole Tucker. The sight of him grinning at her both set her insides ablaze and punched a hole in her gut.
Logan looked away. She used her fork to cut a big piece of pancake and shoved it in her mouth without really tasting it.
“You feelin’ okay?”
She forced a smile before she looked at him. “I’m fine, Daddy. But more importantly, how are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. Still a little sore, but that’s to be expected. I should be up and going in a few days.” He shifted his arm in the sling and winced.
Momma frowned. “We’re supposed to go to the hospital later today to get the cast put on now that the swelling’s gone down. And I imagine we’ll get a few visitors from the church this afternoon coming to check up on us once the service is over this morning.”
“What about your plans today? Made it sound like you’ve got a lot of work to start on for the gallery.”
Her stomach twisted. In all the chaos, she still had yet to tell her parents about her argument with Jacob over California. “Mom, Dad. There’s something I need to tell you about the gallery. I don’t think—”
A hard knock from the front of the house cut her off. “Well, who would that be? Church hasn’t even let out yet,” Momma said, walking out of the kitchen. Logan focused on her plate. How was she supposed to tell them their only daughter was about to leave them again so soon?
A minute later her mother returned. “Lo, someone’s here to see you.”
She looked up from her plate, her eyes widening ever so slightly.
“Jacob?”
“Hey.” He looked almost as awful as she felt. He had on a T-shirt and sweatpants, a combination she rarely ever saw him in. His usually well-kempt, light hair hung over his dark-circled eyes. “Can we talk for a minute?”
She rose from her seat. Her momma frowned as Logan led him out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her room where she knew there was less chance of being overheard.
She shut the door and turned to Jacob. He was standing at her window, looking out through the branches of the tall
tree. She waited for him to start, but he said nothing.
“Jacob?”
He continued to stare out the window. “I read about what happened to your dad. The fire and all. It was in the paper this morning.”
“Oh.” She didn’t know what else to say.
“You tried to tell me, and I wouldn’t listen.”
Logan’s shoulders eased. She sat on the end of the bed, her back turned to her fiancé. “It’s okay, you were upset. I missed your dinner and never answered my phone when you called, and then after you drove all the way out here to check on me it looked like I’d just forgotten about it…which I had, but only because my dad was in the hospital.”
“I understand. And I’m glad your dad is okay.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I should have thought to call or something. I shouldn’t have worried you like that.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should have given you the chance to explain. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that. It was unfair of me, and I promise I won’t let it happen again.”
“So…so we’re good now? You and me?” She took a deep breath. “You were right. I have been struggling to set a date. Not because I don’t love you and want to marry you; I do. It’s just hard for me. I know that once we do, the move to California will be real and I’ll be closing the book on this huge chapter of my life. And that scared me.
“But I’m ready now. I’m ready to set a date and move to California with you. I’m going to go see Ms. Snyder today and tell her that I can’t help her with the gallery. If you’re going to be in San Francisco, that’s where I need to be, too.”
Logan turned to watch Jacob carefully. She’d expected him to turn around and throw his arms out wide at her declaration. Or at the very least smile at her. But he didn’t.
“I’m glad to hear that,” he said, letting out a heavy breath with it. “I can’t tell you how awful I felt when I read about what happened. I wanted to punch myself for how I treated you. I grabbed my keys and was ready to jump in the car, come out here and apologize, beg you to forgive me.”
“You were?” Logan smiled, feeling that heavy weight in her chest ease some.
“I was.” He paused stoically. Where was all that emotion now? “I was so relieved that it was all just one big misunderstanding. I even read the article again, I was so happy. But then I saw something I hadn’t before.”
“What?”
“I promised I would always give you a chance to explain, and I’m going to start right now.” He finally turned around, the shadows under his eyes looking even darker than they had minutes ago. He crossed his arms over his chest, eyes on Logan.
She wrinkled her forehead. “Explain what?”
“Explain to me why you have Cole’s initials tattooed on your wrist.”
Chapter Thirty
“Why, I—” She could hardly breathe, a wave of dizziness coming over her. “How did you know?”
Jacob started pacing the floor in front of her bed.
“Cole Elijah Tucker,” he said quickly. “That was how they addressed him in the paper. CET.” He stopped, his gaze accusing. “There was never any Caroline, was there? You’ve been lying to me about that, too.”
Logan closed her eyes. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to have won the bet and Jacob was supposed to have never known what the tattoo really meant.
Jacob continued to pace the floor, going on about trust and how making up a dead aunt was hardly a good sign for the future of their relationship.
“You’re right,” she said, interrupting his rant. He stopped again in front of her. “There is no Caroline Teague. I made her up as soon as I moved to Austin.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t want to have to explain how I really got it.”
“Why not?”
“Because it was part of a bet.”
“A bet?” Jacob asked. “You’re serious? You got something permanently etched into your skin over a bet. Who would be reckless enough to do something like that?”
“I would. Before I met you, that was the kind of girl I was. Reckless. Especially when it came to Cole. And I guess I still am.”
“So you two were a thing.”
“It wasn’t like that between us.” At least, not before the bonfire. “Look, he and I just have a really complicated past.”
“Then uncomplicate it for me.” Jacob’s eyes were pleading. “I can’t come to grips with all of this or get past it until I know what it is I’m trying to get past. Please just tell me the truth. How can we have a real relationship if you aren’t honest with me?”
She curled her legs up underneath her. This could take a while. She forced down the panic that tried to claw its way out of her stomach.
“Ever since we were kids, Cole and I have had a very strange relationship. It started as pranks and games. He told everyone in our class I stuffed my bra; I replaced his breath spray with jalapeño juice. Cole made me ride my new bike into the creek; I poured itching powder into his pants. On and on, just like that. Sometimes we’d make bets so that the loser had to do something embarrassing, and sometimes we just bet money.”
“So you really weren’t friends?”
Logan laughed. “Definitely not at first. I could barely stand him. But after a while, it was almost like we were better than friends. We respected each other. We picked on each other all the time, but we always had each other’s backs. In a way, we knew each other better than almost anyone else. I don’t know what to call that.”
Jacob leaned back against her white dresser, watching her carefully.
“We got older, but the games never got old. And I think I liked knowing that there was someone as crazy and reckless as me.”
“Did you have feelings for him?”
She could deny it, say it had never been like that between her and Cole. It would be so easy, especially when the truth meant admitting to feelings she’s been denying for months. But after everything she’d put Jacob through, all the lies she’d told him, she owed it to him to be honest now.
“Not at first,” she finally said. “I’m not sure when it happened exactly. They must have built up over time, and I just kept ignoring them, like all those feelings were stuck behind this dam. And then the night before I was supposed to leave for Austin, he kissed me, and it was like the dam broke. I realized that I did care about him, more than I’d ever cared about another person before. That I had for a while.”
“Did you love him?” He didn’t sound angry or sad, just curious.
“I think so, yes,” she whispered.
“Were you in love with him when we started dating?”
“No,” Logan said, already sure of this one. “I hadn’t seen him in two years. How can you love someone you haven’t seen or talked to for that long? We didn’t even know each other anymore, not really.”
“You’re sure?”
She smiled softly. “I can honestly say that the only guy I had feelings for, the only guy I thought about, and the only guy I was in love with was you.”
“What about now?” he asked, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “Can you still say that?”
Her smile faltered, and Jacob’s shoulders fell. “I didn’t think so.”
“I’m sorry.” Her voice trembled as the words tumbled out. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t even know it was happening until it was too late. I’m so sorry, Jacob.” The tears spilled out over her cheeks.
“Hey, don’t cry,” he said softly. He sat next to her on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. “This isn’t your fault. He’s your first love. I understand that.”
“You do?”
He nodded. “Everything will be fine as soon as we get out of this town. You can stay in Athens with me until the spot in San Francisco is settled. And then, after Carly’s wedding, we can go for good and start planning our own wedding.”
“Our wedding?” Logan pulled back. “You mean you still want
to marry me?”
He offered her a gentle smile. “Of course I do.”
“But I just told you I have feelings for another man.” How could he be so calm and understanding about this?
“You love me, right?”
“You know I do,” she said instantly.
He smiled. “And I still love you, despite everything.”
“But I lied to you about my past. About who I was.”
Jacob’s smile grew bigger. “So you used to pull pranks and get drunken tattoos. You really thought I’d be upset over something like that?” He rolled his eyes. “Okay, I’m still not thrilled about the tattoo, but we can fix that.”
“No, Jacob. It’s not just pranks and a tattoo. I drink…a lot. I do stupid shit that could get me killed. I race dirt bikes off bridges, and I get shot at for trespassing on people’s property—”
“Someone shot you?” Jacob asked loudly, eyes wide.
“Shot at,” she corrected. “I go to the bar almost every night. And I’ve ridden in the back of at least half of the squad cars down at the police station. You really want to marry that?”
“That’s who you used to be, not who you are now.”
“It’s exactly who I am now.” Logan jumped up from her spot on the bed and spun around to face him. “I changed who I was to impress you because I knew that was the kind of girl you wanted. And after two years, I really thought I was that girl.”
“Because you are.”
“Then why did it only take one night for the old me to come back? One night and that person I’d been pretending to be was gone.”
“It’s just this place, being back here and around him. When we leave, we can go back to the way things were between us. You can be that girl. You changed yourself once; you can change again.”
Logan was silent. She could change again. She’d done it before, and she’d been happy to do it just to be with him.
But in the last several weeks, she’d felt more alive than she could ever remember feeling in the last two years. Yes, she could be that girl again, but that girl would be a lie. Jacob deserved better than that.
Keeping Score Page 21