by Tyler, Nella
“Connie, he promised me the whole day and he broke that promise. I didn't know what else to do. I fell apart.”
“So, what did you say to him?” She was frowning, so I knew she didn't approve at all.
“I told him that he had to choose between me and his current baseball career.” Tears began to run down my cheeks once again. I didn't think that I could cry anymore, but there they were, rolling down my cheeks. I took a sip of my coffee enjoying the warmth of it. I looked up at Connie, and she was looking back at me with sympathy in her eyes. I knew she was concerned about me, and I was glad to have her there. She was the only person that I could talk to about all this.
“I'm really sorry, Emmi, that you are going through this. Relationships aren't easy, especially if you're in a relationship with somebody who's trying to make it to the big leagues. I understand how hurt you are about all this. I think Bennett could have really skipped this practice if he really wanted to spend time with you, so I'm not really sure why he didn't. He has really created a mess here with all his decisions.”
“I know, he promised me. Why couldn't he have just kept his promise to me?”
“Well, Emmi, it's because his dreams are important to him. This is his career, after all, and he obviously doesn't want to let it go.”
“Right, but I want a relationship, too. That's supposed to be important, too.”
“Like I said, I understand how you feel. The whole situation is getting pretty upsetting, that much I can tell. I can understand where you're coming from, Emmi, but there is also a large part of me that thinks that you're being very unreasonable.”
“What are you talking about? You just agreed with everything that I had to say.”
“I know I did. I meant every word of it. But that was until you told me that you gave him an ultimatum about his career. That is something that you should never have done. Emmi, I love you, you're my best friend. But you can't take somebody's dream away just because you want to be in a relationship with them. How would you feel if somebody told you that you couldn't be a sportscaster? Would you be okay with that? If somebody told you that you could only have one thing in life, your career or love, what would you choose?”
“That's not the same thing at all. I've been working my ass off in this relationship and all Bennett is doing is breaking his promises.”
“Then you break up with him.” Connie was looking at me very seriously and I knew that she meant every word that she said. She wasn't pulling any punches right now, and she was one of those people in life that told you exactly what she thought without worrying about whether or not it would hurt your feelings. She was dead serious.
“Connie.”
“Emmi, that's what happens in a relationship. If you don't like something that's going on or the relationship isn't going well, you break up with the person and you move on with your life. I'm not trying to say these things to hurt you. But it's true. If things aren't working out, you leave. You don't give someone an ultimatum. You don't tell Bennett that he can't play baseball anymore just because you want to be in a relationship. That's why he walked out on you. You are being unreasonable. You probably hurt him as much as he hurt you.”
“I'm not trying to crush his dreams, Connie. I'm just trying to be a part of his life. You and I both know that he can have both. I just don't want to lose him, especially when he can have both of us.”
“Well, maybe this is your wakeup call that he doesn't want both. This is his career and this is his dream that he has been chasing. And he was chasing that long before he ever met you, Emmi. How could you possibly have tried to make him choose?”
“I'm sorry. I just blew up; I didn't know what to do. I thought I was losing him, and I wanted more than anything for him to call his coach back and tell him he wasn't coming to practice. That's all I wanted. It's not a lot to ask.”
“Well, you can't expect somebody to give up their dream if you're not willing to give up yours. It's a two way street. You have your dreams and so does Bennett, you're either going to work together and make it work or you're not. And right now, it doesn't look like Bennett can do both. I know you think he can, but maybe juggling both isn't something that Bennett is capable of doing right now.”
“Oh my God, you're killing me right now.” The tears just kept flowing down my cheeks. It was becoming painful to cry. Obviously what Connie had to say was right, but I just didn't want to hear it. It just sounded so awful. I loved Bennett, but it was starting to sound like we were never going to be together. Maybe it was time that I accepted that.
“Emmi, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just trying to give you advice so that you don't make a situation worse than it needs to be. You can't go around giving people ultimatums when they start doing things that you don't like. It's not fair. Nor is it the right thing to do.”
“You make me sound like a real jerk.” I blew my nose again. My body hurt all over. I would definitely need a bubble bath after Connie left.
“You're not a jerk. That's not the point that I'm trying to make at all, I just think that you're trying to fight for a relationship that may not be there anymore. Bennett is obviously the one in the driver’s seat and he seems to be driving in the opposite direction of you.”
I wiped away at my tears. I took a Kleenex out of the box and blew my raw nose. I took another sip of my coffee as I took this all in.
It was hard to hear these things, but Connie was right. I couldn't force Bennett to want to be with me, to want to be in a relationship. He had to make that decision and right now it didn't seem like he was interested in making that decision at all.
“I know that you're right, Connie. I definitely wouldn't like it if somebody tried to make me choose between my career and anything else. I love my career and it would really hurt me a lot if Bennett told me that I wasn't allowed to be a sportscaster. The thing is, I just wouldn't put Bennett so low on the totem pole in my life. That's all I was asking of him, was to give me some priority in his life, as well.”
“I know, Emmi, and you have every right to ask for that, but maybe it's time to let Bennett go for a while. You are the only one fighting for the relationship right now and I think it's starting to kill you. Relationships really shouldn't be this hard.”
“I don't know what to do, Connie.”
“Well, I think you need to figure out what you really want out of a relationship and what you really want out of a boyfriend. It doesn't mean that you can't have Bennett, but if you want him, then you're going to have to deal with hardly seeing him and dealing with all these practices. You may also have to deal with the fact that he cancels plans with you to go do baseball stuff. Personally, I don't think that's something that you can handle, but if you can then you can have him in your life.”
“What's my alternative?” I was looking at her like she was crazy.
“Stop looking at me that way, you know I am right. If you don't think that you can handle the situation that you're in, then you let Bennett go, and you let him go completely. It will then be up to him to realize whether or not he wants to live without you. If he decides that he can't live without you, then he will come back, but if he doesn't come back, then it is not meant to be.”
I was so confused and I didn't know what to do. Connie was right. It was highly unlikely that I would be able to deal with the situation I was in right now. I felt that Bennett could juggle our relationship better than he was currently doing, but if he was unwilling to do that, there was really nothing I could do about it. And I really wasn't sure if that was the kind of relationship I wanted to be in. I needed to figure out what I was willing to put up with and perhaps be okay with letting Bennett go forever. I had a lot to think about, I wasn't going to enjoy any of it, either. The idea of letting Bennett go forever was not something that I wanted to even think about. Unfortunately, Bennett had put me in a position where I had to consider letting him go. Bennett had certain obligations in his life that I didn't like, but it was for the betterment of his career, and I wasn't s
ure that I was willing to stand by his side when I was clearly not a priority in his life. It was actually kind of depressing. My mind was filled with thoughts that I didn't want to have. I loved Bennett so much, but it was starting to look like we were not going to be together.
“We told each other that we loved each other for the first time this morning before he walked out the door, never looking back. How could it be over right after we tell each other that we love one another?”
Connie frowned. “God, Emmi, I'm really sorry. I feel terrible for all this, I really do. I know some of the things I'm saying may seem harsh, and I hate saying them when you're sitting across from me crying, but this is a wake-up call for you. If he loves you, he will make it work. If he doesn't bother to change some things, then he is not worth your time.”
“No, I know. It just hurts so much.”
“It's going to be okay, Emmi. No matter what, it's going to be okay.”
Chapter Four
I had been stuck in my muddled mind for two days, unsure of what to do with myself. I had so much to think about since my talk with Connie and I still had no idea what to do. I was truly lost. I knew what I wanted, but what I wanted didn't really seem to matter anymore. I loved Bennett and I obviously wanted to be with him, I knew that much for sure. But I also knew that I couldn't live the way we were living in our relationship, it was too hard for me. I needed to feel important. I needed to feel like my boyfriend appreciated me in his life and wanted me there. That he actually wanted me to be a part of his life. I just didn't get that feeling with Bennett in our current situation, whether he meant to portray himself that way or not. So how could I possibly accept being with him if that's the way things were always going to be? I shouldn't have to sit by the phone waiting for Bennett to finally decide that he had time for me. It wasn't right, and I wasn't going to have any part of it. I wanted to be with Bennett, but he would need to give back if he wanted to be in my life. That was what he needed to prove to me, but currently, he didn't seem to be interested in doing anything to save us.
I had been surprised when Bennett started calling me after our fight. I had assumed he had made his own decision about the relationship when he walked out of his apartment that day. I had no idea what he wanted or what he had to say, but I didn't want to talk to him until I had made a decision about the kinds of things I wanted in my life. That way, when I heard what Bennett had to say about things, I would have a clear idea of whether or not I wanted to be with him anymore. I had no idea what he was going to say. He could be calling to apologize for his behavior and beg me to take him back or he could just be calling to ask if we could remain on good terms just in case he ended up on my father’s team. I would not like that part of the conversation at all, but it was just as likely to happen as the other scenario. I wasn't sure what I was willing to sacrifice in order to get what I wanted. Bennett wasn't willing to sacrifice anything to be with me and that was a real problem for me. Why should I be the only one sacrificing in a relationship? It wasn't the way things worked at all. We both needed to do some sacrificing if things were going to work between us.
Every time I thought about Bennett and all the memories I had with him, I knew I wanted him more than anything. We always had such a good time together, there was no denying it, and the chemistry between us was insane. There was no doubt about it; we had a great connection that I imagined would always get us through the bad times in life. The only problem was it currently wasn't helping us out at all. Bennett was hung-up on doing whatever he had to in order to get to the major leagues and I just seemed to be in the way. I didn't want to ever feel like my boyfriend thought I was holding him back. That wasn't love to me. If he couldn't make time for me, then how could we possibly have any type of real relationship? We couldn't, plain and simple.
I didn't think that I could deal with all the extra practices; especially if there was a chance he was going to cancel plans with me and leave again. I couldn't go through that over and over again. Especially since Bennett hadn't made even one sacrifice for me. Bennett had a need to always do what the coaches said now, and I didn't like it one bit. I had been in the industry for years and his commitment lately was a little overboard. He had certain expectations in the game, but for someone with his talent, it was very unnecessary for him to be practicing as much as he did.
His dedication to the game at that point was so strong that I was starting to get jealous. Which was absurd. I had dated players before and it had never got to this point of an obsession. I could almost strangle my father for getting involved because I felt like he was to blame for the fact that Bennett was overly dedicated to the game now.
I felt bad for not answering Bennett's calls, especially if he wanted to make up. He would be thinking the worst at that point, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it until I had a clear head about things between us. He may be thinking the worst, but I would hate to talk to him and end up making a bad decision that I would regret later. If that happened, I would have to go back on my word and that would just make our situation that much worse. I needed to have a clear head before I talked to him.
I was just going to wait it out for a few days and just see what happened. The more time that went by, the clearer my thoughts got. My emotions were running amok in my head and until they settled down, it was not a good time to make a decision about Bennett.
I had been laying in bed the past few hours ignoring Bennett's calls and trying to think. Now I had to get to campus and find out what my next assignment was for the paper. I hurried to get dressed and grabbed a coffee to go.
The day was beautiful, which helped improve my mood significantly. I hadn't seen Connie in a few days, either, but I think I had unloaded enough on her for the time being. I would need to make a decision on my own. Plus, we were both getting ready for exams and I would need to start to focus on that, as well. I needed to get my head clear with Bennett so that I could begin to focus back on my schoolwork and the upcoming exams.
When I walked into the office, I saw my editor talking to Rebecca. Things had never been the same between Rebecca and me since she wrote the article about Bennett and me. We just remained polite around each other, but there was always that underlying current between us. I approached the two of them and plastered a smile on my face. They turned towards me as I approached.
“Hey guys.” I looked at my editor, “I just came in to get my next assignment.”
“Absolutely, Emmi. Well, I'm sure you will be happy to hear that I need you to cover your boyfriend’s game again. It's the big game and your guy is doing the pitching.”
I groaned inwardly and tried not to show that I found the assignment upsetting. The last thing I needed was Rebecca writing about a breakup between Bennett and me. She would love to be vindicated in that way, but I was not being front-page news again.
“Wonderful, thanks.” I nodded and turned away from them.
I headed out of the office, wishing that I had not bothered going in at all.
Chapter Five
I wasn't exactly thrilled about covering the game for obvious reasons. There was a good chance that Bennett was about to be my ex-boyfriend, and yet I would be at his game and possibly needing a quote from him. The very thought of it gave me a headache. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I would have to suck it up and just get it done. I didn't have a choice and going to my editor would only cause a bigger fuss that I didn't want to deal with. It would be a mistake to go to a paper and tell them you were having relationship problems with a celebrity. It would just be a mistake. Like I said, I would not be thrilled to find out that my relationship status was once again on the front page of the paper. I had barely survived the last time it was there. Forget it.
I still had a couple of hours to kill before I had to be at the game. I couldn't focus on schoolwork so I popped in a movie and grabbed a cold beer. The cool brew slid down my throat in such a way that I felt my whole body relax. It was exactly what I needed at that moment. I w
as about five minutes into the movie when there was a knock on my door. Confused, I got up to answer it, wondering who it could be. Connie didn't bother to knock anymore; she knew she could come in at any time. So who was out looking for me?
I swung the door open and at the same time my mouth dropped loosely to the floor. Bennett was on the other side and I wasn't sure how I felt about him dropping by unannounced. Actually I did know. I didn't like it.
“Bennett, I am not in the mood. You really need to consider calling first before you show up here from now on. Considering how things were left between us, I think it's the least you could have done, don't you?”
“I'm not here to fight with you, Emmi, please.”
I stared at him, and he looked so sad and lonely. It could have just been an act, though. Guys are good at those. I wasn't sure if I should let him in at all. I still had not made any decisions about the things I wanted in my life. I didn't want a visit from Bennett to confuse the situation. Being with him always confused me, especially when things went bad.
I probably couldn't just leave him standing there, though. It was rude and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Whatever he had to say, he could say quickly and head out. He had a game to play; after all, so how long could he really stay, anyways? I decided to let him in and held the door open wide enough to let him through.
“What do you have to say, Bennett?” I asked as I motioned for him to come in. “I don't have a lot of time since I'm going to be covering your game.”
A smirk crossed his face and it annoyed me slightly. “I just want to talk, Emmi. There's no need to be so hostile.”
“Yeah, you would think that.”
“Look, I want you, okay. I know you don't believe that and I could certainly understand that since you were so upset by our last encounter. But we have a bit of a problem here. I want to be with you, Emmi, but my dream has always been to be a major league baseball player. I don't want to have to give that up for anything. I wish you could understand that.”