He refused to be a Scrooge.
“Did you two exchange gifts before you got here?” Candace asked. “What did you give each other?”
Gabe shifted on the uncomfortable chair they’d pulled from the kitchen to make sure everyone had a seat. “Uh, we decided not to do gifts.”
All eyes in the room turned to him, some in shock and others in confusion.
“You didn’t get Uncle Mark a Christmas gift?” the second-tallest nephew said, full of skepticism.
Gabe had no idea how to talk to children, but Mark jumped in to save him. “You know, I forgot. I’ve spent all my time trying to convince Gabe to move in with me that I forgot to get him a gift.”
Some savior Mark was. It was like being tossed a life preserver made of concrete.
None of the adults seemed surprised by the statement. Candace looked conspicuously away. Gabe was going to kill him.
“Yeah, well,” Gabe cleared his throat. “You’re going to have to keep working on it, so you might forget to get me a gift again next year too.”
Mark leaned in to kiss Gabe’s cheek. “I’ll work on it as long as I have to. Maybe our gifts to each other next year can be a new place.”
Gabe hummed something that wasn’t agreement or denial. The kids had gone back to their own gifts, while the adults were very obviously not paying attention to them.
“Oh, Chardonnay!” Candace split the awkward silence as she pulled Gabe’s gift from the bag. She looked genuinely thrilled and a little bit of Gabe’s annoyance melted away. It wasn’t so embarrassing to be called out in front of people who didn’t judge you for it.
BY LATE MORNING, the family had forced Candace out of the kitchen so Mark, Jess, and Darrin could finish the rest of the cooking. Gabe wasn’t sure if they wanted Candace to rest or if it was taking too long to get the food on the table. He got put on potato peeling duty despite his pleas he could do something more important.
A flurry of people arrived and let themselves in without even knocking. Sometimes, the door opened tentatively with a shy “hello” called out, other times, it swung open to a chorus of greetings. Either way, Gabe kept peeling potatoes.
A friend of Candace’s from church, another older woman whose name Gabe immediately forgot, showed up first with a casserole dish in hand. It was a lot easier to keep Candace out of the kitchen once she had other people to entertain.
A minivan full of extended family rolled in next. Uncle Gareth and Aunt Susan were both as robust and loud as Gabe had come to expect. Holly, their daughter, seemed to be about the same age as Mark and Jess, and her kids jumped right into playing with the boys. Gabe felt a little sorry for the one little girl in the group, but she didn’t seem to mind being so outnumbered.
A few more people trickled in while Gabe focused on the potatoes. Darrin’s brother—Josh? John? Something with a J—and one or two more church ladies. Gabe wasn’t sure. The church ladies all sort of looked the same. The place felt full to bursting with too many cooks in the kitchen and children dodging between grownups’ legs as they ran pell-mell through the house.
Gabe seemed to be the only one discomforted. Laughter bounced around him, everyone deep in the Christmas spirit. Uncle Gareth kept wine glasses full while Holly tried to convince the kids to settle down. It was a losing battle, and everyone knew it.
Mark checked on him regularly with quick touches and small smiles. Gabe’s annoyance from the morning died quickly. He’d mention it later, in a totally adult and mature fashion, but for now, Mark was a beacon in the closely cramped chaos. Gabe glowed every time they had a quiet moment together in the midst of it all. Uncle Gareth constantly topping off his wine probably helped that warm, floaty feeling.
“Here,” Mark said as he passed Gabe a red plastic cup full of water. “You’ll need this.” He squeezed Gabe’s shoulder before turning back to the counter to pick Jess up around the waist and spin her away from the cookies. Holly managed to sneak two away while Jess play-fought Mark.
Gabe liked this more energetic and lighthearted display of familial love, but the contrast to his own version of Christmas made him miss his family more than usual. He only had his parents now. They would go to an early church service on Christmas morning, have a small lunch, and exchange a few presents in the afternoon. His dad would fall asleep in a recliner while he and his mom cleaned after lunch. They’d drink tea and eat cookies, maybe watch a holiday movie on TV.
If he weren’t at Mark’s family Christmas, he’d probably be with his work wife, Maggie, and her family. That was a whole ’nother level of chaos. And he wouldn’t get to curl up next to Mark at the end of it.
It was different, but good. Something he could see himself doing next year, and the year after that. If Uncle Gareth didn’t kill his liver first.
A folding table appeared in the living room for the kids, and an ancient leaf was added to the kitchen table for the adults. It was a much darker color and in better shape than the rest of the table, obviously only used on special occasions. Mismatched chairs were crowded around until they all had a place to sit. Gabe was practically sitting in Mark’s lap. He had no idea how he would eat a meal in such close quarters.
Dishes were passed around, more wine flowed, and Gabe waited patiently to see if he was supposed to start eating or if there would be holiday prayers or something to signal when he could dig into the mashed potatoes he’d labored over.
Instead of prayers, there were toasts.
Uncle Gareth raised his very full glass and boomed out something about how the best Christmas was the year Santa brought him a puppy, but this was a close second. There were some cheers, a few boos, and a loud Grandpa! from the living room.
“He says that every year,” Mark whispered.
Gabe had figured that out on his own, but having Mark narrate family traditions was sweet.
Gareth went on, and Gabe tried not to focus on how gross cold mashed potatoes were.
“We’re always grateful to spend time with family, especially new family.” He tipped his glass to Gabe as the others clapped. Darrin wolf-whistled, but Jess quickly elbowed him in the stomach. Even the little old church ladies seemed pleased.
Mark squeezed the back of Gabe’s neck, and suddenly he seemed very far away from meeting a stranger in a bathroom for sex.
It had been a real relationship for months, the best Gabe had ever had, but meeting the family, especially at Christmas, and being called family in return was serious. He waited for panic or unease to set in.
It didn’t come. Contentment, happiness, and a little embarrassment took up all the space in Gabe’s chest. Well, and a little bit of panic over how not panicked he was.
Blessedly, not everyone gave a toast. Candace thanked everyone for coming, Holly thanked Candace for hosting, and Darrin said a few slurred words about how much he loved Jess and the boys and also something about Christmas? Gabe didn’t quite catch it all.
Their meal, though delicious, fell at an odd time in the late afternoon. Was it lunch or was it dinner? Falling asleep immediately after eating, full of meat and carbs, and sleeping straight through until tomorrow was a real possibility.
An entire buffet line of pies followed, with coffee for the adults and milk for the kids. Washing all the dishes by hand was going to be a nightmare, but at least Gabe knew he could pull his weight there.
“You done?” He reached for Mark’s pie plate, the larger dishes already sitting in the sink and on the counter.
Mark gave him a relaxed smile as Gabe gathered up a few more empty plates. Should he start washing dishes now? Was it rude if not everyone was finished?
He decided to sit back down, but keep an eye on the sink. At the first inkling of someone else starting on the mess, he’d make a break for it. He could at least get the first round done before someone else stepped in.
Coffee lingered in cups until it was surely cold. Stories started spiraling out. Gabe heard the story of Jess taking a field hockey ball to the face the day before s
enior portraits. About how Mark rushed to get to the hospital each time one of his nephews was born. There were a few funny stories about Mark’s dad. Gabe reached under the table and squeezed Mark’s leg at those. He didn’t know how much time might have dulled the pain, but it must still hurt not to have your dad at Christmas. Especially for such a close family.
Mark grasped his hand and held it against his thigh for the rest of their time at the kitchen table.
THE KIDS QUIETED down, and Mark started a fire before sitting right next to him on the couch. Gabe's hands were dry and itchy from the hour or more he’d spent washing dishes, but he was too relaxed to go dig lotion out of his bag. Slumping against Mark, he let his eyes close and his mind drift. Gabe wasn’t sleeping, not exactly. He was awake enough to feel Mark’s arm wrap around his shoulders to pull him close.
Eventually, murmured conversation pulled Gabe back to full consciousness.
Candace stood over them in a much fancier dress than she’d been wearing earlier. Little silver hoop earrings glinted in the firelight. They distracted Gabe as his mind tried to catch up to the conversation.
“No, we’ll stay here.” Mark rubbed the outside of Gabe’s biceps, probably feeling Gabe shift as he woke up.
How long had he dozed? Mark’s arm was probably asleep from being stretched over Gabe. He hoped he hadn’t drooled on Mark’s shirt.
Gabe pushed himself up, but not enough that Mark needed to drop his arm. Just enough to seem like a willing participant in the conversation.
“That’s fine, dear. Service always runs long, but we should be back by nine.” Candace reached out and cupped Gabe’s cheek. “You boys relax.”
“Can I stay home too?” the tallest of Mark’s nephews yelled. All three were in matching white dress shirts and green ties.
“Nope.” Jess herded the boys toward the door.
Jess and Darrin were dressed up too. Shit, he was making them miss church, wasn’t he? His family always went to church in the morning, not in the evening. That was a surprise. Mark hadn’t told him to pack church clothes.
“We can come with you. I’m awake. I just need a minute—”
Mark squeezed him. “It’s fine. We’ll stay and keep the home fires burning.”
Guilt settled in Gabe’s stomach, surprising how it fit around all the pie. He didn’t want to keep Mark from his family traditions, but it felt rude to argue.
“Don’t worry. Mark finds a way out of church every year. He’s been doing it since he was old enough to stay home alone.” Jess winked at him as she grabbed her coat and followed her family out of the house.
Candace shrugged. “He’s just so damn charming.”
Suddenly, they were alone in a silent house.
“Did everyone else go to church too?” Gabe asked.
Mark grinned at him. “They left hours ago.”
“What?!?”
“You napped for a while.” Mark rested his chin on top of Gabe’s curls. “Don’t worry about it. Everyone liked meeting you, and I told them you’d been sick and needed to rest.”
Leaning forward, head in hands, Gabe groaned. “It’s embarrassing.”
“Oh come on.” Mark stretched his arms above his head and rolled his shoulders. “It’s not. And if you can’t be embarrassed in front of your family, who can you be embarrassed in front of?”
“They’re your family, not mine.”
Mark was quiet and the not goodness of what Gabe had just said sank in. Shit. Mark’s family had gone out of their way to make him feel welcome; they were really nice people, but they still weren’t Gabe’s family. It was true, but it sounded harsher when Gabe said it out loud.
“You know what I mean.” Gabe waved a hand in Mark’s direction but didn’t have the courage to look at him. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
He didn’t respond, and anxiety wrapped around Gabe’s insides. Taking a deep breath to build up his resolve, he peered over his shoulder at Mark.
Mark didn’t look happy. His face was blank, which was worse than him being angry at Gabe’s ungratefulness. He stared at Gabe for a long moment, Gabe’s nerves twisting every second the silence stretched on.
Finally, Mark stood and faced Gabe, hands on his hips. Now, he just looked tired.
“Do you not get what this is?”
Gabe wasn’t even sure which this Mark was talking about, but asking seemed like the wrong move. His face must have given it away anyway.
“Jesus, Gabe. I’ve been trying to get you to move in with me every way I know how. I’ve asked, I’ve joked, I’ve practically begged. I told you I would sell my condo and we could get a new place together. I brought you to meet my family. I told them how much you mean to me. And you still don’t get it.”
Gabe didn’t, but he was starting to. Mark was always so much more serious than Gabe was. He was more mature and had his shit together in a way Gabe hoped he could figure out someday. Gabe had missed how that seriousness looked when Mark directed it at a person. He didn’t know what to say. He stared up at Mark, gaping like a fish, instead.
“I love you. I want to be with you. I want my family to be your family.” Mark scrubbed a hand through his hair, and Gabe longed to reach out and smooth down a flyaway piece near the back.
“I love you too.” That seemed important to say right now. “But…I didn’t realize…”
“Didn’t realize what?”
“Didn’t realize that you really meant it, I guess.” Gabe knew it was the wrong thing to say. Of course he knew Mark loved him and wanted to be with him. But he didn’t know know.
He didn’t trust it.
“I don’t make a habit of lying to people, and I wouldn’t lie to you,” Mark growled.
Gabe shot up from the couch. “I know! I didn’t think you had. It just… I don’t know.” He stood too close to Mark to have this conversation. He was confused, he was getting angry, and Mark seemed just as frustrated. Part of him wanted to reach out and grab Mark by the shoulders, the other part knew he should take a few steps back.
He stood his ground but kept his hands at his sides.
“You don’t know what? Because I’m lost here, Gabe. I’ve been clear about what I want.”
Mark was right. He had been clear. Gabe had ignored the bigger implication. He’d been blind to what he didn’t want to think about.
“I just… I don’t know.” He wasn’t giving Mark any answers. He couldn’t pull anything coherent out of his mess of a brain.
“This is where I’m at.” Mark spread his arms wide. “The last six months have been some of the best for me. I want to build something permanent with you. You have to figure out if you’re here too.”
A lump formed in Gabe’s throat. “What if I’m not there?”
Mark shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Then I don’t know.”
“I might need more time.” He scrambled for excuses. The idea of breaking up sent him into a panic.
“Fuck, I’m not proposing, only asking you to move in. Time is fine, as long as we’re on the same page. Working together.”
“Okay, okay.” Gabe sank back onto the couch, drained and on edge because this very much wasn’t over.
Mark stalked off to the kitchen, and Gabe didn’t have the heart to follow.
December 26th
NEWS OF A freak storm in the morning made a convenient excuse to leave early, but the real reason was obvious. Jess had noticed. He’d caught Mark waving off her concerned look before they left.
If they hadn’t fought, they might have stayed through the storm and actually gotten to see some snow. They could have gotten snowed in. By the time the front made it back to the city, it would be rain and sleet and nothing enjoyable. If Gabe had kept his mouth shut, he might have been warm and cozy with Mark, enjoying more Christmas traditions. Instead, he was in for an awkward ride and a cold, lonely apartment.
Candace gave him a warm hug as Mark put their bags in the car. He squeezed her tightly, grieving the idea
he might not see her again. The pain he felt, and what it meant for the fight he and Mark were in, scared him.
Serious commitment was unknown to Gabe, because he’d kept it that way. He liked it that way.
Didn’t he? He’d gotten off of Cruised because he wanted something more than just sex, but he hadn’t thought much about what that something was. Now, it was staring him in the face, despite his best efforts to ignore it.
He loved Mark, but love was something to be enjoyed at the time and not held on to. It wasn’t a bird you could put in a cage just so you could hear it sing. Right? How did other people do this so easily?
Mark dropped him off in front of his building with a promise to call but not much else.
This was worse than the misunderstanding that had almost kept them from getting together in the first place. Six months ago, he’d been angry because he thought Mark had played him, and then hurt that he might miss out on a good thing. Now, he had the good thing and was heartbroken he might lose it. And it was his fault.
Because they’d left Candace’s earlier than planned, Gabe had plenty of time before his scheduled Skype call with his parents. He should do something to clear his head, like go for a run before the storm blew in or put on some music and deep clean the apartment.
Instead, he spent a couple hours laying on his bed thinking. Clarity came in bursts between long stretches of nothing but despair. Too soon, his phone pinged with the annoyingly bubbly sound that meant his parents were calling. All he’d managed to nail down was that, yes, he did love Mark and, no, he did not want their relationship to end. So, he was pretty much right where he started.
He sat up, rubbing a hand across his face. Gabe was sure there was a crease from his pillow on his cheek and his eyes were red. Nothing could be done about that now. If he kept the lights low, they might not notice.
“Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. Merry belated Christmas.”
Holiday Gridlock Page 4