‘Is that what this is about? You know why I work. You want to give up your diamonds?’ he said, looking at her engagement ring.
‘I don’t –’ she tried. She wanted to say that she didn’t care about diamonds. She would give it up in a heartbeat to have their relationship back to how it had been in the beginning, but Alex interrupted her.
‘Do you know how ridiculous this sounds? Look, if you’re worried, go and see Dr Asthall. It’s a small private clinic, so it won’t go any further than that. We would need discretion for something like this. You can’t go around accusing people.’
Alex had made her feel foolish, but her anxiety ensured that she made an appointment almost straight away. She saw Kealana in the doorway as she put the phone down. Her heart leapt. How long had the woman been standing there?
Two hours later Kealana brought Celeste a cup of lemon and ginger tea. ‘You’re not eating and you feel nauseous. I don’t want to speak out of turn, but could you be pregnant?’
Celeste gave the woman a cold stare as her stomach turned. She couldn’t be, she was on the pill.
That evening as the eight o’clock symphony of lights at the harbour started, Celeste returned with a home pregnancy test. She peed on the test stick. In the two minutes it took for the result to show she wondered what it would be like to be a mother. She had agreed with Alex that children were not for them, but now she felt alive with the hope of a tiny being inside her. The persistent nausea suddenly didn’t seem to matter anymore. She bit her lower lip as she thought about Alex’s reaction to the news. Surely he would come round after the initial shock. He would tell Warwick that he was going to stop travelling so much, like Graham had done. A smile formed on her lips. Their relationship would return to what it had been when they first met. They could be a real family. Yes, a baby would make everything right.
Celeste looked at the test result.
She checked it twice.
It was negative.
43
Barnet, North London
‘You thought Kealana was trying to poison you?’
Celeste narrowed her eyes. ‘I was paranoid, and I had reason to be. Okay, it was a stupid suggestion at the time. But maybe if I’d been more wary back then I could have saved…’ She touched her wrists, her eyes glazed over.
‘Saved?’
She could have done a lot of things back then but she didn’t. She didn’t want to live through any more could have, would have, should haves. Now everyone was offering their advice. ‘Go for long walks,’ her mother said when she complained of being unable to calm her mind. ‘Meditate,’ Elaine had said previously. She was tired of listening. She knew what she had to do to put her mind at rest – to stop the nightmares and the pain.
It’s not healthy to think that way. Of course it wasn’t, she knew that. But sometimes you couldn’t stop those thoughts. He had clearly thought that way, and no one had stopped him.
‘Did you think Alex had something to do with the way you were feeling? Or did you only suspect Kealana?’
Celeste looked up at Elaine and then she returned her gaze to her hands, clasped together in her lap. ‘I didn’t think he wanted to cause me harm. We’d grown apart, but that was all. He reminded me of that when we were in Thailand.’
‘You were close during that trip?’
She nodded.
‘Kealana on the other hand, with her beady eyes always on me, I was sure that she was trying to cause me harm. She had been with the Renshaws since Alex was a kid. Alex was like a son to her. But ultimately it was a mistake going to the doctor. Well it was and it wasn’t.’
‘Did he find that you were being poisoned?’
Celeste looked at the clock. They were running out of time. And now she had started she needed to finish telling Elaine her story. She shook her head. ‘I don’t even think he tested me for that. He seemed to know straightway what was wrong. My husband was right, I was being reckless and he knew Dr Asthall so well he probably explained what I was thinking before I even saw him. But Dr Asthall did find something.’
‘What did the he find?’
‘Turns out those home pregnancy tests are not always accurate. He told me I was pregnant.’
44
17th May 2012
Mid-Levels, Central and Western District, Hong Kong
Celeste closed the door behind her and went straight to her bedroom, ignoring Kealana. She had tried calling Alex, but his phone kept going to voicemail. What the hell! He was attached to that phone, yet he never seemed to answer when she called. She could hear his usual responses resounding in her ears. ‘I was in a meeting,’ he would say, or ‘I left my phone in another office.’ Blah, blah, blah.
‘I’m going now,’ she heard Kealana say. ‘Will you be okay?’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Fine,’ she shouted. ‘Of course I’ll bloody be okay you miserable wench,’ she said under her breath.
‘So, I’ll be back after one week to check on things. The new maid, Ruby, arrives tomorrow. I wish I could be here but Warwick needs me at the office.’
Thank God. Celeste hoped he needed her in the London office. She walked through her bedroom door and peered down the stairs towards the front door of the apartment, making sure the woman was really leaving. ‘Thanks for all your help,’ she said, forcing the words from her mouth. ‘You go and take care of Mr Renshaw.’
As the door clicked shut behind her she let out a sigh, walked down to the kitchen, opened the fridge and peered in. Kealana had left two containers of food, but even though her mad notion of being poisoned had been put to bed by Dr Asthall she didn’t fancy Kealana’s cooking. You could never be too sure. Apart from the two containers, there was a half finished bottle of Veuve Clicquot and a whole Camembert. Celeste held the cheese it up to her nose, sniffed it and then put it in the bin. When was the last time she and Alex had eaten together at home, something home cooked? It was always instant noodles or takeout. She looked at the champagne and touched her belly.
Closing the fridge she rooted around in the cupboards and found a packet of crisps, which she took to the lounge to eat on the sofa. Her size eight figure would soon disappear and that made her smile – no more fad diets, no more denying herself chocolate, she should even stop dying her hair black. She had heard that it was unhealthy if you were pregnant. Anyway, she was tired of the jet-black cropped hair that Alex loved, but was never there to see anymore. Instead she would go back to her natural brown hair and perhaps let it grow.
It hadn’t taken her long to get used to the idea of having a baby – something she could nurture and love unconditionally. But every time she thought about Alex’s reaction her fingers started to tingle. ‘Too expensive,’ Alex would say to friends when they asked the baby question. He would put his arm round her waist and say, ‘I can just about afford Celeste.’ He loved that line, but now it was all going to change.
She retrieved her phone from her pocket and pulled up a picture of Alex. She wanted to feel his hands on her belly, but given he was in Shanghai, it was highly unlikely. Instead she called up the application he had installed on her phone so she could track where he was in the world. She urged it to work this time. But it showed Alex in Hong Kong just a few blocks away. ‘Stupid app,’ she said, making a face and putting her phone away. It was no good even trying. She bit her lip. The longer she waited to tell Alex, the more nervous she felt. She tried to shake away the feeling. He was her husband, after all, despite the rocky patch they were going through. He may be apprehensive at first about the news, but he would come around. Wouldn’t he?
*
Celeste woke with a start. She had fallen asleep on the sofa, the television was still on and the lights were bright. She checked her watch. It was three in the morning. She heard a key in the front door.
‘Alex,’ she said, as he stumbled through to the lounge.
‘What?’ Alex’s blue eyes looked straight at her, as if he had caught her doing something she shouldn’t have been. She fel
t like the guilty one although she had no reason to feel that way. ‘I said not to wait up.’ He put his keys on the console table and walked into the kitchen.
She followed him into the kitchen. He looked in a foul mood.
‘You look tired. Why don’t you go to bed?’ he said.
‘What time did your flight get in?’ she caught a whiff of his alcohol laced breath and strong sandalwood cologne. ‘Where’ve you been?’
‘Nightcap.’ He poured himself a glass of water. ‘Went out for a few after my flight.’
‘Bill?’ She kept her tone steady, but it took some effort. She couldn’t tell him her news when he was like this.
He shook his head. ‘You have no idea how stressful my work is, do you? You like the money I earn, you just don’t want to hear about my day.’
‘I ask you all the time about your work. You never want to talk about it. I asked you a couple of weeks ago but you said it was boring and confidential. Said I wouldn’t understand. I ask – you never let me in.’
‘You’re lucky you have a job.’
‘What?’
Alex waved away her question with his hand. ‘Forget it. You wouldn’t understand.’
‘Stop saying that. Try me.’
‘Nah.’
‘I never know what you are thinking. Tell me what do you do in Shanghai. Tell me what is so wrong with me that you go out with Bill as soon as you land. Remember when we first moved here, you couldn’t wait to get off your flight and come home to me. We used to sit up chatting about our work, what we had missed in each other’s lives whilst we were apart. We talked about our hopes and our dreams. You wanted a big house in the country with Great Danes and an Aga. I wanted my own design studio. What’s happening to us? I’ve no idea what you want anymore.’
‘Our hopes and dreams!’ Alex let out a low laugh. Then he looked into the distance and his eyes glazed over. ‘Is working at Cross a dream? Because it’s over, or it will be soon.’
Celeste clenched her fist and thumped it on the counter. She turned and walked out of the kitchen. He was angling for a fight, but she wasn’t going to bite.
45
18th May 2012
Mid-Levels, Central and Western District Hong Kong
‘I’m sorry,’ Alex said, waking up and turning towards Celeste. ‘It was a bad day yesterday and I took my anger out on you. I went out with Bill because I needed to let off steam about some business associate we’ve both had bad dealings with.’
Celeste was silent.
‘If it’s any consolation, I feel like death.’ He nuzzled her back.
She wanted to hate him, but she couldn’t. Instead she pulled the sheets back and turned around to face him. She looked into his eyes, the same loving eyes that she had married, and pouted. ‘You were horrible last night.’
‘I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.’ He put his hand on her thigh. Let’s call in sick and spend the day together. Dim sum lunch?’
She sat up in bed and kissed his bare shoulder. ‘I’d love to but I can’t let the team down. We have a meeting with the merchandisers that I don’t want to leave to Jinny.
Alex sat up and poured the water from the carafe on his bedside table, into a tumbler and drank it. She watched him. Now was as good a time as any to tell him. She got up from the bed, padded over to her wardrobe and picked out a navy shirt-dress before returning back to the bed. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she said. Her eyes locked on his and she could see the shock in the brilliant blue.
‘You’re on the pill.’ He looked at her bedside table and back at her. ‘Where are your pills?’
‘I stopped keeping them in full view when we moved to Hong Kong and have had staff in the house. They’ve been in my bedside drawer since we moved here.’ Celeste tried to keep her voice from shaking. ‘I wouldn’t go behind your back.’
‘But you’re pregnant? You’re sure?’
‘It happens,’ she said, walking into the bathroom. Sadness displaced her anger. She had expected shock, not accusation. He was angry with her, she could feel the anger radiating off him. She took a deep breath to stop herself from bursting into tears and looked out through the bathroom window at the silhouettes of people in the apartments around her. They were all going about their daily routine, getting ready for the day’s work. Their apartment was higher than most of the buildings surrounding them. It felt like she was always looking down on people – like a god watching mortal souls. Usually she felt lucky to be in this palatial apartment compared to her neighbours’ tiny rooms, but today she was jealous. She wanted their normality where you worked hard for what you wanted in life. Life had other difficulties in store for you when your basic necessities in life were met.
Alex appeared behind her as she stripped her pyjamas from her body and turned the shower on. ‘What do you mean, it happens?’ he stared at her only slightly protruding naked belly. ‘When did it happen?’
‘Thailand. I’m nearly fifteen weeks.’
‘And you didn’t know? How could you not know?’
She ignored him and turned to face the back wall of the shower, letting the warm water wash her. Contraception was not 100% guaranteed, but she didn’t want to admit to Alex that she had also become complacent with taking the pill everyday. She had forgotten countless pills over the years after drunken nights out but she had never had a pregnancy scare before, so she had stopped worrying about it.
How had she missed that she was pregnant though? She had to give him that. Her erratic pill taking had meant that her cycle was irregular. There had been no need to worry, not previously. But she should have been aware that her body was changing. Did that give Alex the right to be so cold? She had been naïve thinking a baby would solve their problems. It was only going to make things worse. She stood under the warm flow of the shower and let the water wash away her tears. When she turned to face Alex, he was no longer there.
46
Barnet, North London
‘How did you feel when you realised Alex didn’t want the baby?’
Angry. She had felt angry and sad. Sad because her one soulmate seemed a million miles away from her. Celeste played with her fingernails. How did she feel? That was all anyone ever wanted to know. It was a loaded question because she knew what they were trying to say was: are you at risk? Are you going to do something you’re going to regret? She had enough regrets already. Another couple wouldn’t hurt.
She supposed Elaine was different. Well, Elaine was different. In a way she had chosen Elaine and not the other way around. ‘I could do with a smoke,’ she said. ‘I’ve never really smoked. Tried it once at university, but I never took to it. Afterwards though. After the… I don’t know I wanted to smoke then. Its strange isn’t it when your body craves something its never had before. I wonder what that means.’
‘Perhaps it’s a comforting smell. Did your parents smoke when you were little?’
‘Yeah,’ she said, somewhat impressed by Elaine. ‘I think they did.’
‘What happened after you told Alex about the baby?’
‘That evening, after work, I came home tired and hungry. Alex was already in the lounge. I wondered if he had even made it out to work that day, but he had left the house before I did so he’d made it somewhere. The news of the baby must have shocked him. I remember that evening so clearly. He was wearing a blue shirt unbuttoned at the neck and dark grey suit trousers. He had a glass of whiskey in his hand. I wondered if he had been drinking all day.’
‘What did you do?’
Celeste touched her lips. ‘I went over to him and put my arms around him. He was as stiff as a bit of cardboard. Anyway, I hugged him. I wanted things to be right between us. More than that, I wanted him to want the baby, our baby. He didn’t hug me back, instead he said, “Celeste, there’s no room for a baby in our lives.” I took a step back and looked at him. I looked at those unflinching, blue eyes when he told me. He meant it. Then he told me to abort it. He didn’t say get rid of the baby, he said “abort it�
�.’
Elaine shook her head.
‘I wasn’t sure what to do. Alex was the only person I had in Hong Kong. I didn’t want to share my news with the expats just yet – they were not very baby friendly and would have probably agreed with him. Jackie had put both her children in boarding school and Melanie used a surrogate, not because she couldn’t have children but because she didn’t want to ruin her figure. After the birth of her baby she deposited it with a nanny. I couldn’t call Alicia.’
‘Why?’
‘We still hadn’t made up after I found out about her affair with Bill. It was stupid. I was holding a grudge unnecessarily. Without Alex’s support I was lost. I couldn’t call my mother either. She’s so sensitive. She would have hated Alex for even suggesting something like that and I didn’t want to add that to the mix. I had no one I could trust, so I made the decision with Alex. I let him make the decision for me…for us. Although I knew then that we would never be kindred spirits again.
‘The day we went to the clinic, there was a typhoon approaching. There was a yellow warning. I wanted to stay in, huddle up and cancel the appointment with the doctor, but Alex was adamant that we go. He didn’t want to waste time. “You always said you didn’t want children,” he said to me in the taxi on the way to the clinic, like I had planned the whole thing. I just looked out of the steamed up taxi window. I wanted us to crash. He held my hand the entire ride there. He hadn’t done that since Thailand. He never held it again after that day.’
‘What happened at the clinic?’
‘They asked us why we didn’t want the baby. They weren’t interested in the answers. It was just a check sheet they had to complete.’ Celeste held the gold bumblebee in the palm of her hand. ‘I was so weak back then. I think back to my youth and wonder how I went from someone who once got her belly button pierced after a night out to who I was that day at the clinic and I can’t reconcile the two. At work I still appeared like some Amazonian woman who could make things happen, but inside I was crumbling, and with Alex I was always the weaker one. Always in his shadow. I thought if Alex didn’t want this baby, and I had always said that I didn’t want a baby, then it was only fair to go through with the abortion, even though I had changed my mind.’
Poison in the Water Page 18