‘She wanted my understanding, yet I had not seen what she had been going through. After I read the letter and dried my eyes, I decided then that I had to help myself if I was going to get out of the mess I was in. Maryanne had told me that a bee had a sting in its tail and I was the bee. I owed it to her to use all my energy to get out of that toxic relationship and make something of my life. That afternoon I took Kealana’s advice. I swallowed my pride and called Alicia.
‘In the end it was Alicia who saved me. She flew out to Hong Kong immediately. “Nonsense,” she said when I apologized for being cruel to her about her affair with Bill. Alicia always had a good heart, it was I who had been so self-absorbed. I didn’t see I was pushing away those closest to me. I wasn’t even there for Maryanne when she died. She didn’t have any family. She needed me, but I wasn’t there. In that letter she had asked for my forgiveness. I needed to ask for hers, but it was too late. There was only one thing I could do for her – something I knew she’d be proud of.’
‘What was that?’
‘To live, of course.’
69
30th November 2012
Mid-Levels, Central and Western District, Hong Kong
‘Have you been to the police?’ Alicia asked after Celeste had told her the whole story. They were sitting on the floor, their backs against the chocolate brown leather sofas. Darkness had fallen over Hong Kong and the Symphony of Lights had started. One by one in succession each skyscraper took their turn at flashing their lights, in primary colours, over the harbour. They had just finished their Chinese takeaway and were well on their way to finishing their second bottle of red.
‘He owns the police.’ Celeste said, topping up her glass. ‘In Hong Kong everything and everyone can be bought.’
‘And this nonsense with Bonnie, is it true? She told me she was in love. I never guessed it would be with Alex.’
‘You didn’t know about Rachel?’
‘Don’t you think I’d have told you if I had known?’
‘Do you think she knew he was married?’
Alicia shook her head.
Celeste could believe that. In all the conversations she had read on his computer, she hadn’t been mentioned once. It stung as much as his betrayal. ‘You’ll introduce me to her when I’m back in London?’
‘If that’s what you want.’ Alicia leaned over and tucked a lock of hair behind Celeste’s ear. ‘She’s not as pretty as you.’
‘I saw pictures of them – Alex and Bonnie.’
‘She started asking after you recently and I thought she wanted a reconciliation. Now, I know better.’
‘You always think the best of people. Do you think he’s with her now?’
Alicia shrugged. ‘When did you last speak to him?’
‘Yesterday.’
‘So you asked him?’
‘He never answers any of my questions.’ She took a sip of her wine. ‘I asked him when I would receive the divorce papers, but he just laughed. He doesn’t want me and he doesn’t want anyone else to have me. This way I’m still his puppet. Most nights he calls me, either to scream at me or conversely to tell me how much he loves me and no one else will ever take my place. I don’t listen anymore.’
‘This can’t be good for your state of mind.’
‘I’m used to it now.’
‘Disconnect the phone.’
‘If I do that he might turn up here.’
‘Change the locks.’
‘This building needs the permission of the freeholder before they can authorise a lock change. The apartment is company owned. They need Alex’s authority, and that means he’ll automatically get a key cut if I change the locks.’
‘You can speak to someone and explain the situation.’
‘Alex’s made sure that the management company know about this rift between us. They’re on his side.’
‘You can’t sit around waiting for him to make the first move. Come back to England with me. We’ll get you a top lawyer and you can be the one to serve divorce papers on him. You have to take back some control.’
Celeste picked up her glass. It shook in her hand. ‘Maybe I should leave it for a while. Get back on my feet here.’
‘Do you really want to be here, after everything? Come back home. As long as you are trapped in this marriage that man will own you. You’ve got to get out.’
‘Alex will go crazy if I serve divorce papers on him. He doesn’t expect it of me.’
‘Why should you care how he feels? And why should you only do what he expects of you?’
‘What if he comes after me?’
‘You’ll be in England, not here. You can get help. If Alex threatens you more than once and you’ve registered his behaviour with the police each time he has harassed you, you can get a restraining order against him.’
‘That would anger him even more.’
Alicia moved closer to Celeste and put her arms around her. ‘You’ll be okay. You have to do this.’
‘It’s too much, too soon.’
Alicia took a deep breath. ‘Baby steps, then. The first step is to leave this place.’ She looked towards the front door. ‘You’re not safe here.’
70
Barnet, North London
‘Is that what you did?’
‘I went back to England, but I didn’t stay with Alicia for long. I couldn’t impose on her and Tom like that. I moved back into the house I grew up in, in Bristol. The house I had been so desperate to leave.’
‘It must have been hard for you.’
‘I could see how much my parents were hurting, but they didn’t mention it. Instead they fed me up and got me through the divorce. I couldn’t have done it without them.’
‘You worry about what you put your parents through?’
‘It was a tough time, that’s all. It was hard moving in with my parents after being with Alex for so long and it must have been tough for them – being parents again.’
‘Parents never stop being parents. But was it not better being there than to be living a fake life in Hong Kong?’
Celeste smiled. ‘My parents supported me but they didn’t remind me of it everyday, like Alex would have.’
Elaine twisted one of her curls around her index finger. ‘Do you miss your old lifestyle?’
Celeste took a breath then shook her head. ‘Don’t get me wrong, having money is not all bad. In fact, it’s all I ever dreamed about growing up. I’d be lying to you if I said otherwise. Of course, I miss the expensive meals at high-end restaurants and buying designer clothes, but I’ve learnt that it’s not everything. Now I don’t have cash at my disposal but I look forward to things more. I’m learning to appreciate the little things in life again – a meal out is a treat, not a regular Monday night.
‘I served Alex with divorce papers three months after I returned to England. He tried contacting me several times, rolled up to my parent’s house in a flashy new Maserati and made a scene. Every time I spoke to him, it would set me three steps back. Eventually, my solicitor threatened him with an occupation order. He hasn’t contacted me since, but I did hear from Bill.’
‘What did he want?’
‘He said that Alex wanted to talk, sort it out amicably. It was tough saying “no” to Bill.’
‘Even after he helped Alex deceive you?’
‘He was Alex’s best mate, and Bill was the sort of friend that would do anything for a good mate. We ended up going for a coffee – against Alicia’s advice. I wanted to know what Alex was up to. I wanted to catch up on his news too.’
‘And?’
‘He didn’t give me the insight that I wanted into Alex’s life. But he told me Bill was still in Hong Kong, still with Angela and Anya and that he was there if I ever wanted to talk. I wanted to know what was happening with Alex, but he never told me anything Alex didn’t want me to know. Eventually, I got the message and stopped calling.’
‘You came out of the divorce stronger.’
She nod
ded. She was strong now. She had a plan.
‘And you’re financially stable?’
‘No matter how hard my lawyers tried to unravel the intricacies of the Renshaws’ finances, they couldn’t get to the bottom of things. I told them specifically to look into Heavenly Limited. I knew that Alex had owned that company in its entirety, but by the time I served those divorce papers nothing was solely in his name. My solicitors fought my corner and the judge was pretty favourable in the end.’
‘That’s why they call London the divorce capital of the world.’
‘As part of the settlement I managed to keep our house in central London. My solicitors argued that I needed a home. The house is mortgage free and I rent it out. I can’t afford to live there, but it gives me a good income. I’m renting a small house here in Barnet in the meantime. I also received a small amount of cash, which I paid my parents back with. They pretty much funded my divorce.’
‘And did you ever meet Rachel Blake?’
‘I suppose that’s the main reason why I’m here.’
‘I thought it was because of the loss of your baby, and because you tried to kill yourself?’
‘When I returned to London I tried calling Bonnie, but she wouldn’t take my calls. Rachel was my next best alternative. I was desperate to meet her. I thought that by asking her about her relationship with Alex I would understand him better, but I left that meeting distraught.’
‘Why, what did she say?’
‘She told me that towards the end of her relationship with Alex they had bumped into Bonnie. Rachel knew her, but the way in which Alex looked at her unnerved her. At the time she put it behind her, but after her break up with Alex she kept tabs on Bonnie through social media. She showed me a picture that Bonnie had recently put up on her profile.’
‘You and Alicia were not friends with Bonnie on social media?’
‘Didn’t even know she had a profile. Alicia and I later realised she had blocked her profile from us so we couldn’t even see that it existed.’
‘The picture upset you?’
‘It was a picture of Bonnie and Alex.’
‘I can imagine that would hurt.’
‘Alex was holding their newborn.’
Elaine put her hand to her mouth.
‘They looked like the perfect family.’
‘So, nothing good came from your meeting?’
Celeste shrugged. ‘I spoke to Rachel for quite a while. She had her faults but underneath it all she really had loved Alex. I was jealous of her though, because by the time I met her she had already met someone else, online. She said after Alex – or William as she knew him – she had a better chance of meeting a complete stranger who was genuine than a love rat in places like The Emerald Rooms.
‘After seeing that picture of Alex, Bonnie and the baby I was just days away from wanting to end my life again. Then my mother turned up at my door. She suggested this place, and I, for a change, listened. After all they had done for me I had to listen. I’m glad I did. So my mother is the main reason why I am here.’
‘Do you still think of Alex?’
Celeste pursed her lips. She wasn’t sure how to answer. She could have told Elaine the truth – that she had started tracking Alex on the long forgotten application he had installed on their phones to keep tabs on each other. Perhaps, Alex had forgotten he had installed it on his phone or maybe he wanted her to know where he was. Either way, she often pulled up the data because it was comforting knowing where in the world he was.
‘It’s completely understandable if you still think about him,’ Elaine said as if reading her mind. ‘He was a big part of your life and you met him when you were so young. When we meet people who form impressions on us at such a young age we find it difficult to let go of them.’
Celeste attempted a smile, but her hands were entwined tightly in her lap. ‘I do think of Alex – not the person he turned out to be, but the person he was when we first met.’
‘Sometimes that’s the hardest part – wondering if they still remember you.’ Elaine looked into the distance. It was bright outside now and light was streaming into the office.
Celeste knew Elaine’s story. Everyone did. She had lost a loved one, that’s why she had first come here to this cognitive behavioural therapy unit in Barnet – couldn’t cope with the loss.
The door opened behind Celeste. She expected to feel anxiety, but she felt calm. She turned in her seat.
‘Elaine, Celeste, what are you doing in here? How did you get in here? My files!’
Hilary walked into her office and examined her locked filing cabinet. ‘So you haven’t broken into the filing cabinet as well then.’ She stared at them.
‘The door was unlocked,’ Elaine said.
‘Was it?’ Hilary asked, arching an eyebrow.
‘It was,’ Celeste confirmed. No one needed to know that Elaine had a key. It wouldn’t be very generous of her if she told.
Celeste followed Hilary’s eyes towards the photo on the desk. She picked it up and slipped it in her pocket.
‘Patients are not allowed in here. Celeste, you’re due to leave,’ Hilary looked at her watch, ‘today, in the next half hour.’ She shook her head, although her thick brown bushy hair stayed motionless. ‘Celeste, I expected better from you. What were you doing?’
‘Just having a chat.’
Hilary sighed. ‘I hope this hasn’t hindered your progress.’
Celeste looked at Elaine and smiled. ‘Actually, I think it’s helped.’
Hilary cleared her throat. ‘Elaine, we’ve been through this before. You’re no longer practicing as a counsellor. And you certainly can’t use my office as your own. We’ll discuss it in our session later.’
Elaine winked at Celeste.
Epilogue
Celeste signed the necessary paperwork and waited in the reception area for her taxi. Pouring her heart out to Elaine had felt cathartic, now she was ready to move on with her life. She held the gold bumblebee pendant in her hand and squeezed it before she let it swing free around her waist. Remember if a bumblebee ever feels under attack it has a nice sting in its tail.
The therapists had said that when she was ready she should draw a line under this episode in her life and move on, and that was exactly what she had planned. There was just one last thing she needed to do. A couple of minutes later, her taxi pulled up.
‘Where to, luv?’ The cab driver asked her.
Celeste accessed her phone. In less than a minute she found the e-ticket she had booked yesterday. ‘Heathrow, terminal five.’
‘No problem. Going anywhere nice? You don’t have much luggage.’
Celeste looked at her red carry-on and smiled.
*
Twenty hours later, she was in Hong Kong. The one thing she had realised during her time at the centre was that she needed closure. After speaking to Elaine, this was the final part of her therapy. She had to face her demons before she could move on. Hong Kong was where it all ended. A place she thought she would never return to. But why not? Hong Kong had been her home as much as it had been Alex’s. She checked into her hotel, slept for a few hours and as the sun set, she showered and changed before taking a taxi to Causeway Bay. Cross was no longer there. The fuchsia and gold now replaced by the blue and coral of a Spanish designer brand. She walked in the shop and ran her fingers across the fine silks and wool the store offered, then she took a deep breath and as she exhaled she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. Cross was the past now. She had let go.
At ten that evening she found herself at the IFC Mall. She realised she hadn’t eaten much all day and so she stopped at one of the restaurants she and Alex used to frequent for a plate of duck and rice. Her stomach churched as she thought of him entering the restaurant and she felt in her pocket for the vial to steady her nerves. After a cup of green tea she took out her phone and thought about calling Ben. Ben had been the attractive passenger sitting next to her on the flight over. Ben, a soft-spoken Engl
ish teacher, had given her his number and she had felt her cheeks colour for the first time in a long while. Then she slipped her phone back into her bag. Tomorrow. She would call him tomorrow. Today she had one more demon to face.
At midnight she arrived at her old apartment building. She waited outside till the porter at the reception desk went into the back room. Then she adjusted her wig and tried her key card – the unregistered spare she had got in a hurry from good old Charlie – the one she had promised to return to register on their system, but never did. She rode the elevator up to the thirty-ninth floor.
Exiting the lift, she carefully tried her keys on the front door. They worked, of course they did. Alex would never have expected her to come back, he would have thought her too scared to do that. A smile touched her lips.
As she walked into the dark apartment she held her breath. She had forgotten the extravagance of the mahogany table and the ornate red chandelier that hung in the main atrium. She glanced over at Ruby’s door. It was closed. She padded over to the staircase and carefully took one step at a time, but with each step she took a sliver of doubt for what she was about to do crept into her mind.
At the top of the stairs she stopped. Her heart leapt as she heard Ruby’s door open. She waited and watched as the maid entered the kitchen and then a minute later returned to her room. When she heard her door close, Celeste allowed herself to breathe. She looked around the apartment and remembered the moment Alex first showed her their new home in Hong Kong; his brilliant blue eyes had delighted in her enthusiasm. Those eyes had made her feel like she was the luckiest woman in the world. She almost had second thoughts for what she was about to do. But then she remembered the doctor telling her that the baby she had lost was a little girl. She looked back down the steps and then up towards Alex’s bedroom door. Just a couple of steps further and she would be inside his room. But now her legs were rooted to the spot. They trembled as she commanded them to do as she wished.
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