by Andi Jaxon
The smile he gives me is everything. In this moment, there’s no pain or fear, just contentment and happiness. With a smile on my lips, I lean in toward him, leaving just a breath of space between us, hoping he’ll make the first contact this time. My eyes are at half mast, watching him. He looks at my lips, sucking on his own, but shifts his eyes to mine when I stop and wait. With our eyes locked on each other, he closes the gap between us. Hands appear on my waist, fingers flexing. “If you want something, take it,” I say against his lips, wanting him to explore me, get comfortable with touching me.
My hands stay on the counter next to Ben’s hips. I want to touch him, but I know I need to take this one step at a time. I can be patient, wait my turn to touch. The hands on my waist move to lift my t-shirt, his cool fingers brushing along my abdomen. The temperature of his skin and the exploration of his fingers has goosebumps breaking out along my flesh. I follow his lead, letting him take the kiss wherever he wants it to go, light and playful, passionate and full of sex, whatever he wants.
We stay in the kitchen, making out and exploring for a long time. When he pulls back, I kiss his forehead and take a step back. “Up for watching a movie?”
“Yeah, sounds good.” He grabs his water and takes a long pull, sliding off the counter. I catch his hand in mine again and lead us to the couch. I lay down against the armrest with one foot on the floor and one on the cushion, then pull him down to lay against me. He’s tense, stiff, but once I wrap my arm around him to rest my hand on his chest, he relaxes into me. Grabbing the remote, I flip through the movies on my Apple TV and select The Greatest Showman. It’s not hard to watch Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron dancing and singing, plus the message of the movie is amazing.
We settle in to watch the movie. I pull the blanket off the back of the couch and cover us. In no time at all, Ben’s asleep. Snuggling down to lay my head against the armrest, I give into the comfort and fall asleep too.
Chapter 23
Ben –
I’m so warm. I must be dreaming, my apartment is never this warm in the winter. Maybe it’s on fire.
Laying on my side, I slowly gain awareness. There’s someone behind me with an arm around my waist, their chest and hips are against my back and ass. Did I fall asleep at Alister’s? I pry my eyelids open and look around the room. I’m definitely still at Alister’s.
Butterflies erupt in my stomach, a smile taking over my face. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Not only is he sexier than should be legal, but he also has an amazing heart, he’s patient. And for some unknown reason, he wants me. I have nothing to offer him, but I want to. I want to be important to him and I want to be his.
The arm under my neck moves and Alister’s breathing changes as he wakes. I hold as still as I can, not sure what to do now. The arm around me moves, flattens against my lower stomach. The muscles tighten with excitement and anticipation when his hand slides under my t-shirt, stroking my skin. My breathing increases, and my blood is pounding so loudly it’s all I can hear while it pools in my morning wood. Soft bristles of his close-cropped beard tickle my neck, his teeth nipping where neck becomes shoulder.
I can’t stop from arching my neck to give him better access. I never want him to stop. My ass pushes into his hips, the soft fabric of his lounge pants doing nothing to hide the raging hard-on inside. His lips don’t leave my skin as he explores every inch he can reach, all the while his hand is moving up my chest to pinch and pull my nipples, and scratch at the hard muscles of my stomach. My hips are moving on their own accord, trying to thrust into something, anything, that will lessen the pressure.
A whimper sounds, taking me a minute to realize it was from me. Alister stops moving, the hand that was exploring my chest now holding my hips still. I’m panting, desperate for anything and everything.
“Fuck. I’m sorry.” The rasp of his voice full of lust, sending a shiver down my spine. “I normally have better control over myself.”
“That’s okay,” I get out between breaths, trying to force my heartbeat to slow.
His forehead rests against my shoulder, his breathing is just as rapid as mine. “It’s not okay because I don’t want to push you.” He starts to sit up, so I move to give him room and sit up myself. Not sure why he stopped or what he means, I keep my hands to myself and my head down. My stomach is in knots again, and I don’t know what to do or say, what the normal protocol is.
“Hey,” Alister says next to me, reaching for one of my hands in my lap. “It’s not your fault I seem to be a horny teenager when you’re around.”
“Okay,” is all I can think to say. It may not be my fault, but I don’t know what to do about it either.
“Come on. Let’s get some coffee.” He stands and pulls me up behind me. In the kitchen I stay out of his way by keeping close to the doorway. He turns on the Keurig and grabs two mugs. “How do you take it?”
“I don’t drink coffee.” Embarrassment is heating my cheeks. I can’t afford a caffeine addiction, especially if it means needing milk and sugar.
“Oh, okay. Tea?” He’s looking at me, trying to read me. I’m sure he can see the blush on my face, the uncertainty I’m trying so damn hard to hide. Once again, the walls I’ve built crumble at his feet, leaving me vulnerable and pathetic.
All I can manage is a shake of my head, looking at the tile beneath my feet, hands in my pockets. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve to be here. Alister is so much better than me, deserves someone better.
Turning from the kitchen, I head for my backpack and swing it over my shoulder.
“Ben?” Alister is calling me, but I ignore him, I never should have come here. “Ben.” The way he says my name has goosebumps covering my skin. I’m almost to the door when his hand on my arm stops me. I don’t turn to look at him, I need to leave, but if I look at him, he’ll convince me to stay. I’m on a one-way road to getting my heart put in a blender.
He walks around me and slides the hand on my arm down to hold my hand, interlocking our fingers. I love when he does that.
“Hey, what just happened? I offered you coffee, and you stormed off.”
“I shouldn’t be here. I need to head home. I have studying to do before Monday. Thanks for last night, it was… amazing…” I’m staring at his chest, the rise and fall of his breathing.
“If you want to go, I won’t stop you. You’re free to leave whenever you’d like.” He still has my hand, but he steps aside, giving me access to the door. I take a step toward it when he speaks again. “I know you don’t have much experience with dating and getting to know someone romantically, so if you need space, that’s not a problem. I’m happy to take this as fast or slow as you want, I just need you to communicate with me. I’m not a mind reader, only a math teacher.” I smirk at his joke, breaking some of the tension I feel. “As for last night, you are more than welcome.” A pull on my hand has me locking eyes with him. “I’m happy to repeat the performance anytime.” A smug, knowing smirk lifts one side of his mouth. I desperately want to kiss him again.
When he let me have control last night in the kitchen, it was heady, intoxicating. I felt powerful for the first time in my life, even if it was only for a few minutes and because he gave it to me. No one has ever given me power, I’m always forced to give away mine.
As badly as I want to stay, I know I need to leave. It’s late enough in the morning that buses are running so getting home won’t be an issue. I should have enough money left on my Orca transit card that I shouldn’t have to walk. “I should head home.”
He nods, smiling when I tell him what I need. “Okay, let me know when you get home?”
“Sure.” I’m staring at his lips. I want to feel them against mine again.
“Ben?” When I hear my name, I realize he’s said it more than once.
“Yes?”
“I’m going to tell you the same thing that I told you last night, if you want something, take it.” His chin lifts in challenge, and I know he caught
me watching his lips. Reaching up and cupping the back of his neck, I lift, crushing my lips to his. I can feel his smile for only a minute before his need to kiss me back takes over. Both of my arms wrap around his neck, lining our chest up to press together. A groan vibrates my chest, and I don’t know if it was him or me, it doesn’t matter. We stand in the entryway, mouths to hips locked together, fighting our desires for more.
The kiss continues, nips, sucks, licks, until I’m backed against the wall, my thigh held in his strong hand. Flashbacks to his classroom, when I was angry and frustrated, replay in my head. My hips grind against his, aching to feel the same pleasure he gave me last night again. Alister rips his lips from mine but doesn’t drop my leg. “Do you know how badly I wanted to fuck you over my desk that day?” he pants, breathing heavily.
“You did?” Butterflies in my stomach have reached an all-time high, their wings dancing along my insides, and fire licks at my veins.
“I could picture it, shoving everything off the top, bending you over it. I struggled the rest of the day to get the image out of my head.” Lust has his voice dropping an octave, low enough to feel.
“Holy fuck.”
Alister chuckles, teeth dragging against my neck. “If you want to leave, you should go now, before we cross the point of no return.”
My heart is pounding like it always does around him, and I’m gulping in air like I just ran a marathon. I can’t think past my pants, the lust and arousal currently rampaging through me. I close my eyes to think, forcing my eyes off the temptation pressed against me. Leave. I need to leave.
“Okay, I’m leaving.” Even to my own ears, I don’t sound sure, but it needs to happen.
“Do you want me to drive you home?” The second the words leave his mouth, my stomach plummets. He can’t ever come into my neighborhood. He will stick out like a sore thumb, and someone will jump him. I can’t let that happen.
“It’s okay. I’ll take the bus. No need for you to drive me.” I hope I sound more relaxed than I feel. I don’t want him to know where I live. It’s dangerous. Full of druggies willing to do anything for their next fix, thugs trying to make themselves feel better and make a quick buck—definitely not a place for Alister.
He takes a step back, unwrapping himself from around me, and I can tell he sees right through my bullshit. “I don’t care where you live, but if you prefer for me not to know, that’s fine. For now.” His arms circle me, holding me like I matter, like he actually cares. I hold him just as tightly. “I want to know everything there is to know about you. I’ll show you that you can trust me.” He squeezes me again, kisses my forehead, then steps to the door.
Chapter 24
Alister –
When the door shuts behind Ben, I have to force myself not to go after him. I know it’s ridiculous to want him with me constantly, we need time apart to process what is happening. Especially him. Everything about this is different for me, but he’s never been in a romantic relationship with a man. A lot of men try to be “normal” before realizing that women just don’t do it for them. Hell, even I did.
Sitting on the couch, I drop my head back and stare at the ceiling, replaying the memory.
On the back deck with Alex and our girlfriends, Jessica and Amber, taking a much-needed food break after swimming and screwing around in an above ground pool my parents put up. The summer sun is heating our skin and drying the girls’ long hair. Mom made sandwiches and a fruit salad, and the girls eat like civilized humans, while Alex and I shovel food into our mouths as fast as we can.
Alex finishes his plate and grabs Amber around the waist, lifting her onto his lap and kisses her shoulder. I watch them unabashedly as they enjoy the closeness. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way about Jessica. She’s a nice girl, smart, pretty, but I don’t ever find myself just wanting to touch her, not like Alex does with Amber. I give her hugs, hold her hand, and kiss her sometimes—it’s not like I find her repulsive.
We chug some water and throw our plates away before getting back in the water. We’re splashing around and laughing when the guys from down the street come running out of our house, pulling shirts off and kicking shoes into the air. We’re all friends, we hang out and play sports together, we’ve grown up together. Seeing them without shirts on is not new or unexpected, it’s almost a daily occurrence. More and more over the last few years, it’s harder not to watch them, but today, I can’t turn my eyes away. Hard chests and flat abdomens, lean muscle covering bodies just starting to turn from boys to men. I have to lean into the side of the pool to hide my erection, the last thing I need is for anyone to think I’m gay.
Once the guys are in the water, and my issue has gone away, at least to a passible level, I join in the fun of wrestling, splashing, and general roughhousing.
“Alister.” My dad’s voice has me turning to see him standing on the deck. “Come inside for a second.” He turns and heads back in, knowing I’ll do as he’s asked of me. I always do.
I hop over the side, grab my towel, and head into the kitchen where my dad is sitting at the breakfast bar. “Yeah, Dad?”
“Have a seat.”
Wrapping the towel around my hips, I sit on the barstool and wait. It’s only when something serious is happening that Dad talks to us one on one without Mom, and typically, it has to do with sex or something else guy related.
“How are things going with Jessica?” He looks relaxed, taking a drink of the dark beer in his glass.
“Uh, fine I guess.” I really hope this isn’t another sex talk.
“You like her? You have feelings for her?”
“I dunno, I guess so.” I shrug my shoulders.
“You guess so? It should be a pretty simple yes or no.”
“We’re not having sex if that’s what you’re getting at.” I’m getting uncomfortable with this conversation and just want it to end.
“Do you want to? Have sex with Jessica, I mean.”
“Dad. Come on.” I roll my eyes and stand up to leave.
“You’re sixteen. It’s completely normal to want to have sex with every girl that walks past you.”
A sinking feeling settles into my gut. Does he know? “Did you have this conversation with Alex too?”
“No, I didn’t need to.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can tell he wants to have sex with every girl that walks past him.”
“I have a girlfriend.” My response is lame, and I know it.
“Yes, you do, but I don’t think it’s what you want.” He knows. He has to. I can feel the blood drain from my face and my heart pound in my chest.
I have no response. All I can do is stand there and stare at him, lost, angry, and confused. “I see the way you look at Jessica or don’t look at her. I also see how you look at your teammates, your friends.” He stands up too, putting us eye-to-eye. I shake my head, I’m not gay, I can’t be. Alex isn’t, and we’re twins, we’re the same. Dad wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight, one hand on the back of my head. “It’s okay. It’s okay if you like boys. It’s okay to be gay.” I shake my head harder and shove away from him, angry. “I’m not gay!” My outburst echoes in the kitchen before I storm upstairs and slam my bedroom door.
I lay in my bed for the rest of the day. I didn’t even eat dinner. Ignored everyone that came to my door, even locked it to keep Mom and Alex out. My computer stayed off, and I refused to talk to anyone. A few days after that conversation, I broke it off with Jessica and felt lighter, and it was only about a month later when I came out to Mom. By the end of the summer, Dad and Alex knew too. Though Alex was pissed to be the last one that I told, his initial response was typical, “About damn time, man.”
The memories have me thinking about Ben, wondering if he ever had someone to come out to. Did he have anyone that supported him, told him it was alright? Gave him a hug?
Chapter 25
Ben –
I had to wait a while for my bus, but it gave me time to
process. Taking in the city life around me, I realize I don’t belong here. Women going out of their way to not walk next to me, elderly folk side-eyeing me like I’m about to rob them. I don’t know if I can ever come back here and Alister can never come to my part of town. We can never work, not really, we’re from two different worlds.
Getting on the bus, I sit with my head against the glass, watching the city change from thriving to dying. My stop comes up, and I exit, hood over my head, eyes down, as I walk to my dilapidated building. After spending the night in Alister’s house, the differences between his building and mine couldn’t be any more apparent. Where his building smelled clean and fresh, mine smells like mold and mildew. His has light colored walls and an elevator, while I have dirty, stained brown walls and stairs that are literally rotting.
The door to my apartment is so old that a good push with your shoulder would probably break it, the doorframe would splinter without much effort. I don’t know why I bother to lock it. There’s nothing inside anyone would want anyway. Pushing the squeaky door open and locking it behind me, I plug in my phone and wait for it to power on. I’m sure Kristen killed it last night by calling a hundred times.
The neighbors start fighting, again. Yelling, crying, screaming, and things being thrown. I sigh, dropping my head to my hands. This is where I belong, the life I’m destined to live.
My phone starts vibrating like crazy, all the notifications coming through from Kristen. I fell asleep earlier than I expected, but I was so comfortable laying against Alister. I was warm, my belly full, semi-relaxed from cumming, then my eyes closed and I got the best sleep I can ever remember having. Even my subconscious relaxed around him, and no nightmares plagued me.
Finally, my phone quiets, so I pick it up to wade through the notifications. Kristen’s incessant text messages, voicemails, and missed calls has a small smile forming on my lips. I don’t bother to listen or read any of them and just call her instead. It rings twice before her voice fills the line.