by Lea Hart
“May not come back from this one,” Brady replied.
The lack of emotion on his brother’s face felt all too familiar. When Brock had sat in the medical evaluation that ended his career with the Marines, he’d felt nothing. It was too damn big to process, so he didn’t. It was the same thing he’d done when his mama passed. Some things took a long time to understand and accept, and he’d always chosen to work through whatever it was by taking action. He’d been more comfortable doing something instead of thinking. “Second acts aren’t always bad. Turns out that when one thing ends, it leaves room for something else.”
“Are we talking about Lilly?”
“Go get settled and I’ll order up dinner. We have a lot of catching up to do.”
“That we do,” Brady said firmly. “I want to make sure that you deserve that fine woman.”
Brock slapped his brother on the back and watched him head toward the stairs.
Brady’s words were exactly what Brock was afraid of. Not deserving Lilly. A man who was capable of almost murdering another man wasn’t even close to being deserving. Doubt had settled into his gut, and not having a lot of experience with it, he hated it.
This might not be something he could fix. Which was as foreign a concept to him as anything. The woman owned him body, heart, and soul, and he had no idea how to prove to himself and to her that he was worthy.
***
The Landry brothers devoured several large pizzas and consumed enough beer to make them all think they were funnier than they really were. Brock leaned against the couch and wiped his eyes. “That’s not how it happened,” he said with more certainty than he actually felt.
“Yes, it is,” his brothers chorused.
Flipping them off, he lifted his beer and drained it. “I did not follow her around the party and warn off any boys who got close to her. I hung out with my friends and hardly paid her any attention.”
“If that’s the memory you need to keep, you just go ahead,” Brady replied. “The minute you spotted her in that bikini, you were cooked. Pretty sure you never got over it.”
“Hell, it’s only taken you thirteen years to do something about it,” Brody added.
“And it may be over before we’ve really had a chance,” Brock said quietly.
Brody let his feet slide off the table and sat up. “Stop it, you dumb son of a bitch.” Both brothers’ heads spun around with a what-the-hell look. “Yeah, I said it. Get over yourself. You’re not perfect, and you don’t have to be for Lilly. For being so smart, you sure are stupid.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Brock yelled.
“Ever since Mama died, you think you have to be perfect and never make a mistake. Something you decided in your twelve-year-old mind is running your life to this day. Mama had cancer. There is nothing that any of us could do about it. And that includes you. Being a perfect son, brother, and friend is not going to change anything. Don’t screw up the one thing you’ve wanted in your life because you made a mistake.”
“It wasn’t a mistake,” Brady said firmly. “He made the right choice in the end and let the asshole live.”
“There isn’t a man alive who could see his girlfriend being beaten and not do something about it,” Brody added.
“I was seconds away from ending his life. When he said it was Lilly’s fault, I lost it.”
“And who wouldn’t?” Brady asked. “But you made the right choice.”
“Barely,” Brock said. “It was only Lilly’s voice that pulled me out.”
“What the hell has got you so twisted up, then?” Brody asked. “You were in combat for eight years. Why is this getting to you?”
“Because I’m a civilian now, and what I did in war is not acceptable here at home. And…I’m not sure that the trained killer the Marines made me into knows how to behave in regular situations. Until I’m sure, maybe I shouldn’t be around Lilly.”
“Maybe,” Brady responded. “Or maybe you’ve got a lot of shit mixed up.”
“Which I should figure out before I go any further with Lilly.”
“What happens next at work?” Brody asked. “Are you suspended?”
“I’ve been assigned to desk duty while the department does their investigation. The lieutenant is reviewing it and then it goes to the captain. If they decide that a violation has occurred, then I face discipline. So, it’s a suspension, demotion, or discharge. A personnel review committee decides. It could take several months.”
“What is your union representative telling you?” Brady asked.
“He thinks I’ll walk away with a demotion. Loren thinks she can lobby for a suspension. I’m guilty of a violation. I used excessive force and I’m not going to deny it or try to justify it. I did it and I’ll take the consequences. What I don’t want to happen is for this thing to drag out while the union and department wrangle their own agenda.”
Brady opened them all another beer and passed them around. “Let me ask you a dumb question. Do you like being a sheriff’s deputy?”
“It’s fine.”
Brody tipped his bottle back and laughed. “Which means you hate it.”
“I don’t hate it. It’s not all that challenging, and I find myself bored out of my mind. I figure that would be true of almost any job I took. Years spent on direct action missions make a lot of things dull.”
Brady stretched his leg up on the table and cringed. “If I don’t heal up well enough to go back to HRT, I plan on going to work for a buddy of mine who has a threat response company. It’s called Trident Response Group, and they provide risk mitigation services and executive protection. They also do a lot of investigations for companies and personnel. It was started by a bunch of guys who came out of special operations.” Lifting his beer in the direction of his brother, he grinned. “It might be a good option for you if you decide to leave the sheriff’s department.”
“Or they decide I should leave,” Brock added. “Sounds interesting. It may end up being a better fit for me and my skills.”
Brody slapped his knee. “Give us a couple of hours and we can solve just about anything.”
“It’s been too damn long since we’ve been together. I’m looking forward to spending time at home,” Brady added. “I haven’t seen Poppy in a couple of years, and it would be good to catch up with her.”
“Yeah, that’s what you’re interested in doing,” Brock said. “Catching up.” When his brother flipped him off, he laughed. It felt good. While Brody filled them in on the projects he was working on, he thought about Lilly and how much he missed her. The last thing he wanted to do was sleep without her, but he wanted to make sure when he crawled back into her bed it was for good. And before he could do that, he needed to figure his shit out. She deserved a good man, and he had to make sure he was one.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Tuesday
Hearing the doorbell chime sent a quick shot of panic through Lilly’s heart. Seemed her dog was having similar feelings as he began barking like his life depended on it. It was his fierce I’m-going-to-bite-you bark. Which had become a regular thing since last Wednesday. Any male who had gotten close to her lately was properly warned away. The relaxed dog she had enjoyed for so many years apparently was a thing of the past. Not that she minded. Popcorn was on duty, and he meant to let people know.
Sliding her chair away from her desk, she stepped over to the window and looked down at the street. She wasn’t expecting visitors and had no reason to answer her door. It was a new policy she had recently embraced, and it made her feel a hundred times better, along with the new front door she and her dad had ordered. No more pretty glass front door for her. She was going to make sure there was a major barrier between her and anyone standing on her porch.
Precaution was becoming her new middle name. Between Ruth’s release and Drew’s visit, she had every reason to be more cautious. The bruises on her face had faded, as had the headache and sore muscles. Physically, she was back to normal. Emot
ionally, she wasn’t even close. Being physically abused was playing with her emotions in a way she hadn’t been prepared for.
It seemed she was going to have to spend some time with her therapist again to navigate the jumble of feelings. It had worked after Ruth, and she expected it would again. A major difference she noticed was that she had a big ball of rage sitting in her stomach. That hadn’t happened after Ruth held her at gunpoint. Maybe it was because the woman was mentally ill, so it made the attack seem less personal. Drew, on the other hand, allegedly had control of his faculties. His actions left her feeling angry, hurt, and sad.
The doorbell rang again and she looked out for a car she recognized. The street was clear from her vantage point, so she went back to her desk and let Popcorn bark his head off. Whoever it was would eventually get the idea and leave.
The house phone rang, and she checked the caller ID. It was Brock…That was a surprise. She hadn’t heard from him since the text he’d sent her on Friday afternoon. As far as she knew, he had decided to vacate her life. Which made that ball of rage get a little bit bigger. Closing her eyes, she took in a long, calming breath and then answered the phone. “Hello.”
“Hi, honey.”
Hi, honey, my ass, she thought to herself. “Who’s this?”
“What do you mean?” he bellowed into the phone.
“Never mind. I recognize the voice of anger. How are you, Brock?” Seems that she had more than a few feelings about his behavior over the last couple of days. She was pissed and she didn’t know if she had a right to be. After all, what were they to each other? She had no idea.
“Come open your front door.”
Tapping her nail against the desk, she waited a second to get ahold of herself. “I don’t care much for your orders, and I’m not real interested in having company right now. Why don’t you come back another time?” When he didn’t respond, she rearranged some things on her desk. “Also, if you decide that you want to visit, I’d suggest making a phone call to make sure that I’m available.”
“I fucked up, didn’t I?”
“Can’t really answer that for you.”
“Lilly, please come down and answer the door. I owe you an apology, and I want to explain a few things.”
“You got any donuts with you?”
“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid. Of course I have donuts.”
“Fine. I’ll make an exception this time. But be warned, I will no longer accept you showing up whenever you want. You call from now on and use the good manners that I suspect are buried somewhere.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I’ll be down in five minutes. I’m going to change out of my pajamas.”
“Don’t do that on my account.”
“I do not entertain guests in my nightie.”
“I’m not a guest. I’m your damn boyfriend.”
“I’m not real sure what you are, so I’m going to put on some clothes.” She ended the call and sat in her chair for a minute. As far as she could tell, a boyfriend wouldn’t disappear for a couple of days after his girl was attacked. Clearly, his definition and hers were different.
***
Seeing Brock’s face as she walked toward the door made her realize just how much anger she had. Was she angry at him or the situation? Maybe she was just plain old pissed. The speech he’d made the other day about being her backup and having her six was just a bunch of words.
Popcorn accompanied her as he’d been doing since last Wednesday. “I can always count on you.” After petting his head, she squared her shoulders and prayed she kept herself together. Crying or yelling was a real possibility, and she didn’t know which one she preferred.
When she opened the door, Popcorn growled and had his ears pointed forward. That was interesting. He’d always been friendly with Brock. Maybe he sensed her feelings and wanted to let him know that none of this was going to be easy. “Hello, Brock.”
“Why is he growling at me?”
“Don’t know. Seems he doesn’t trust you and he’s letting you know.”
Holding up the pink box, he gave her a small smile. “Can I come in? I was hoping we could talk.”
“All right.” Stepping back, she let him walk past and decided to ignore how wonderful he smelled. There was a lot she was going to ignore because it wasn’t going to help her make a smart decision. Hormones never helped in that area, and unfortunately, Brock made hers sing. For now, she was going to dismiss the song.
As she walked into the kitchen, she noticed the large bag he placed on the island. “What’s that?”
“It’s the cameras for your security system. The equipment came in over the weekend, and I wanted to install it.”
“Not necessary.” She walked over to the coffeepot and poured two cups. “TRG is handling security for me. They are coming by this afternoon to finish the installation.”
She handed him the cup of coffee, then walked over to the dining room table and sat. Brock looked madder than an alligator who was denied his dinner. Whatever. Wasn’t her problem. The coffee hit her stomach like a ton of bricks, and she realized that rage and caffeine were a lousy mix.
Yeah, she was definitely mad. No two ways about it. It might be because she thought she could count on him and it turned out she couldn’t. At least, not in the way she needed most. Which made her think of a book she’d read, The Five Love Languages. Clearly, they didn’t speak the same one. The thing she’d needed from him over the last couple of days was his presence. And that wasn’t what he had to give.
Slapping herself mentally upside the head, she felt a river of anger flow out of her body. Just because she wanted it didn’t mean he had it to give. Which meant she was simply shopping in the wrong store for love. Looking up at him, she realized he was a lot of things. Brave, courageous, fearless and, by the looks of it, scared out of his mind.
Maybe what they had was a lifelong friendship and nothing more. Which, after all, was a very good thing indeed. So what if they got confused and added sex? It happened to people all the time. If they were lucky, eventually they would salvage something from what they had going on. After she knitted that story together, she felt much better. “So, why did you stop by?”
“Are you really asking me that?”
“Yes. I. Am.”
“Okay, maybe I deserve that after disappearing for several days. I had to get my head screwed on straight before I tried to have this conversation, and it took me a little longer than I expected.”
Clamping her mouth closed, she decided not to ask a thousand questions. Let him talk. Let him show her what he wanted. By the looks of it, he wasn’t really sure and was suffering for it. Popcorn laid his head on her knee, and she petted him quietly while Brock got himself together.
“I’ve spoken with Loren every day,” he said, “and she’s kept me up to date on how you’re doing.”
Oh, here came that river of anger flowing right back. He couldn’t call her and check in? Breathe in and breathe out. “Uh-huh.”
“I should just spit it out.”
“Excellent idea,” she responded evenly.
“I might not be good enough for you.”
Looking up, she studied his face. What in the hell was he talking about? “Why do you think that?”
“I got close to killing Drew the other day, and it seems the warrior side of me accompanied me home. I’m not confident that the trained killer the Marines made me into is under control. We’ve talked about the seven deadly sins a couple of times, and I know that I’m guilty of wrath. Wrath towards a man who hurt the person I love most in the world. I don’t want that anywhere near you.”
She ran her finger over the rim of her cup and watched him walk over and sit down. “I think people don’t know what they’re capable of until they’re tested,” she said. “Most of our opinions about ourselves never have to be verified, because we’re not put in a situation where they would be. How often are people faced with the very choice that will test everythi
ng they believe themselves capable of? How many people fail when confronted? From my perspective, you were tested and made the right choice.”
“Barely.”
“I didn’t know there was a measuring stick for that sort of thing. Like, one to five percent means you failed, and anything over that means you’re in the clear? What a load of crap.”
“I’m not comfortable with not knowing for sure,” he responded.
That’s when she felt the steel rod snap into place. Her spine was as solid as it could be, and she wasn’t going to do the dance again. “That is your decision.” Sweeping her hair off her face, she gave him a small smile. “I love you because I’ve seen all of you. I know what I’m getting into. But maybe that’s not true for you. Quite frankly, it’s a little disappointing that you’re holding yourself to such an impossible standard. Makes me think you might hold me to it as well. And if that’s the case, I politely decline. I’m a flawed human being and make mistakes every day. Some of them are real humdingers, too. If you expect perfection out of yourself, you may expect it out of me too. I’ve got no interest in that. I live a messy life and I’m guessing that might make you really uncomfortable. Hell, I know it does. You disappeared for four days, so I guess I have my answer.”
“That’s not what’s happening!” he yelled.
“Then tell me what is. From my vantage point, you got curious about an old infatuation and wanted to see if anything would come of it. You seduced me, and it worked. Truth be told, you barely had to put any effort into it. Seems I was curious too. So what…we scratched an itch. End of story.”
“It wasn’t an itch, Lilly.”
“Really? Your actions are saying something else completely.” Holding up her hands, she stopped whatever was coming out of his mouth. “I did the unthinkable. I fell in love with you.” Hearing his intake of breath told her all she needed to know. “Silly…right? Well, what can you do?” Running her hand over her dog’s head, she fortified herself. “Unfortunately, this isn’t some polite bullshit relationship. This thing is real, and it deserves respect. Either you’re in or you’re out.”