“I’m sorry to hear it. Does he see someone? Is he on antidepressants?”
“Yes to both. A number of medications. We have a therapy session tomorrow afternoon. That’s why I need to take off early tomorrow.”
“Right. I had just assumed...” He trailed off and didn’t complete the thought. “Well, hopefully, his doctor will be able to get him straightened out.”
“I don’t know. He has a lot of trouble before Christmas. I know that this is only October, but I can see he’s already headed that way.”
“Seasonal Affective Disorder?”
“No. Trauma. Once he gets past Christmas, he’s a lot better. But as we approach it... it’s not easy. I have to keep a close eye on him.”
At least this year, they were really living in the same house, so it would be easier to keep track of Zachary and not worry that he might overdose on all his meds some night when he was in his apartment alone.
“I see. Well... do let me know if you need anything. I will help any way I can.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Wiltshire nodded and took off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. “See you then.”
21
Kenzie was awakened by the ringing of her phone. Immediately alarmed and disoriented, she grabbed for it on her side table, knocking over a water glass and who knew what else from the surface. At least the water glass was empty. She continued to feel for the phone, then saw the glow of the screen on the floor and picked it up. She tried to keep her voice down so that she wouldn’t wake Zachary up and swiped the screen to answer.
“Hello?”
“Good morning, Mackenzie,” a pleasant, cultured voice replied.
Kenzie slumped back into her pillows. She squinted at the bedside clock, trying to get a good view of the time. “Mother... it’s six o’clock in the morning.”
“Yes, dear. I wanted to catch you before work.”
“Well, you did.”
There was a beat in which Lisa analyzed her voice. “Did I wake you up?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. I assumed that you would have to be up to get to work in time.”
“No. I’m not usually up by six. Is there something wrong, Mom? Is everything okay?”
“Yes, I’m well. Everything is fine.”
“And Dad? He didn’t have a heart attack or something?”
“No...” Lisa’s voice was uncertain. “Has he been having heart trouble?”
“Not that I know of. But I can’t figure out why else you would be calling me first thing in the morning. I have a phone with me all day. You can reach me any time. Why did you need to reach me so early?”
She realized that her voice was raised and looked over at the other side of the bed to make sure she hadn’t disturbed Zachary. His space was empty. He was up before six. That wasn’t unusual for him. She rarely beat him out of bed.
“It isn’t because it’s an emergency,” Lisa explained. “Just because I wanted to be sure to get ahold of you. And I don’t like to talk to you when you’re at work. You’re doing an important job and I don’t know how your boss would feel about you taking personal calls while you were on the job.”
“He knows I have a life. You can call me at work if you need to. If you don’t want to get me at work, then call in the evening when I’m usually home. I’m usually out of there by five or six.”
“Yes, but I have my events. Dinner onward, I am usually out. And when I get home, I want to get straight to bed because—”
“Because you’re up so early. But couldn’t you take a break from one of your events or call me some night when you are free?” Kenzie shook her head. She switched her phone to her other hand and rubbed her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. I’m awake now and I won’t be going back to sleep. So what did you want to talk to me about?”
“It would be nice just to visit with you sometime, without an agenda.”
“Yes, it would,” Kenzie agreed pointedly.
There was silence from her mother for a few seconds. Then Lisa went on as if the barb hadn’t reached home. “There is a fundraiser in Burlington that I was wondering if you would like to attend with me. Of course, you could bring Zachary along, if you like.”
She had asked to meet Zachary more than once. But Kenzie didn’t think putting him into an emotionally stressful situation was the best idea.
“We’re really not into fundraisers.” Kenzie looked toward the living room where Zachary would be working, as if she could see him through the walls. “And he’s not in the best of health right now. I don’t think he would want to go.”
“I would really like it if you could be there. It’s only one night. Maybe he could stay home and you could just go with me. It would be really nice to see you again.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be free. Or if I want to go to Burlington. Why do you want me to go?”
She knew that her mother usually found another escort to go with her, Kenzie’s father or a widowed man or one of her society ladies. She had given up on taking Kenzie to all the premier events when she had gone into medical school. Kenzie had been justifiably too busy for a lot of social engagements.
“It’s a kidney research fundraiser,” Lisa explained, her voice taking on a pained tone. “It would be really nice if you could put in an appearance.”
Kenzie took a deep breath and let it out, trying not to let the guilt in. If she caved in to her mother one time, it would be that much harder to maintain boundaries later. Lisa would be calling her for everything.
But she didn’t want to forget Amanda or to pretend that her death didn’t matter.
Kenzie’s sister had died from complications of her last kidney transplant. Many of the fundraisers and events that Lisa went to were centered on kidney research, supporting survivors, making changes to regulations to make it easier and cheaper to get a transplant, or other kidney-adjacent issues. When she had been alive, Amanda had gone with Lisa to a lot of those events. When her health would allow it. She had been Lisa’s very own poster child for any kidney disease or transplant issues.
Kenzie just wasn’t the same. She had been an observer, not a victim of kidney failure. She had done all that she could to help Amanda but, in the end, there was nothing any of them could do to keep her alive. Kenzie had put everything she could into keeping Amanda alive, including one of her own kidneys. That had given her little sister a few more years of life without being tied to a machine. But eventually, Kenzie’s transplanted kidney had failed too, and they’d been forced to consider other options.
It was after Amanda’s death that Kenzie had decided to go into medicine. It had never been with the goal of doing kidney research or designing a new artificial kidney, or any of those things that Lisa had thought Kenzie should pursue. But Amanda was always there, a shadow in the back of Kenzie’s mind, reminding her that no one was immortal.
“I really don’t want to go to another one of those things,” Kenzie told Lisa, aware of the whine that was entering her voice. “But why don’t you email me the details and I’ll see whether I can be there or not.”
“It’s on the twenty-fourth,” Lisa said promptly. “Burlington. I’ll send you the address. It’s a masquerade. Because of Halloween, you know. Unmasking kidney disease and all that. It is a very big deal. A lot of the elite will be there. The governor and other government officials, all of the heads of the different foundations, families representing those who have been lost, and so on.”
And current sufferers. White-faced waifs on display to make everyone feel bad if they didn’t pull out their pocketbooks and give until it hurt. Or e-transfer donations on their phones.
“I’ll check my calendar later, when I’m up. But I think I might have something else going on that night.”
“You could make time if you wanted to,” Lisa reproached.
They both knew it was true.
But Kenzie’s way of dealing with Amanda’s loss had always been very different from her mothe
r’s.
22
Kenzie wandered out to the living room, yawning, rubbing her eyes, and generally feeling like a zombie. Zachary looked up from his computer and assessed.
“Is everything okay? I heard you talking. Sounded like you were on the phone.”
“Yeah, I was.” Kenzie covered a big yawn. She looked down at the phone still in her hand. Still too early for her to be up, but if she tried to sleep longer, she would be even more tired and wouldn’t be able to get ready in time for work. Best to get some caffeine into her system, have a nice shower, and get moving. The more she moved around, the better she would feel. “It isn’t even light out.”
“Sun is coming up soon. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Work call?”
“No. My mother. But it’s okay. No one is dying.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“I’m glad she didn’t wake you up.”
Zachary smiled slightly. They both knew what he was thinking. Lisa would have to call pretty early to wake Zachary. Some nights he didn’t sleep at all. He went to bed and cuddled with Kenzie until she was asleep or close to it, and then he would get back up without disturbing her and get back to work. Or maybe he would watch a late-night movie to relax. But she would know when she woke up at one or two in the morning and reached for him and found an empty bed, that he was having a sleepless night.
“Do you want me to make you coffee?” Zachary asked. “Are you going to shower?”
“I need coffee before shower today, or I’ll fall asleep in there.”
Zachary nodded and moved to stand up, but Kenzie motioned him down again. “No, no. I’ll get it. You stay put. We’ll have breakfast together after I get out.”
Kenzie was still feeling irritable and out of sorts when she arrived at the kitchen table. Zachary had laid out her usual breakfast, but she wasn’t feeling like marmalade with toast. She wanted something more decadent. Comfort food. But her stomach was queasy and definitely did not want anything sweet or rich. She could feel for Zachary, trying to eat something every morning when he was nauseated due to his meds. She sat down and looked at the buttered toast, thoroughly disgruntled.
“So, what did your mom want?” Zachary asked. “If it’s okay and you don’t mind me asking.”
“I don’t really want to talk about it. Another one of her fundraising events. She’s always trying to get me to go to them with her.”
“Maybe you should...” Zachary started hesitantly. He toyed with the wrapper on his granola bar, not yet opening it. Maybe he was hoping she wouldn’t notice and he could get away with not having any breakfast. She really wanted to help him keep his weight up. He’d looked so gaunt and ill the previous year, after the depression and not sleeping for days. Not to mention hunting down a vigilante killer who had turned on him. She was hoping things would be better for him this year, but if he was already going downhill in October, what kind of shape was he going to be in by Christmas?
It might be one of those times when he had to check into the hospital to get through it. She needed to be prepared for the possibility. And not as a last resort.
“I’m not going,” Kenzie said firmly. “I have no interest in going to a fundraiser on my mother’s arm. I did enough of that when I was younger. It brings back too many memories—you should get that.”
He nodded, biting his lip.
She had only recently told him about Amanda. Until then, she had professed to be an only child. But the past came knocking at her door too many times and she had needed to talk to someone about what she was going through. That was what being a couple was all about, according to Dr. Boyle. A safe place where they could talk about their feelings and support each other.
“My mother thinks I should go to honor Amanda and show that I care about what happened to her. But it’s just too painful. Like if you went to fundraising for... a program to help rehabilitate abusive parents. It’s a good cause, yeah. And it would have been great if someone had been able to get your parents straightened out before everything that happened to you. But would you go to something like that?”
Zachary shook his head, his eyes dark pools of pain. Kenzie felt guilty making him feel that way, but she had to express to him how abhorrent the idea of having to go to such an event was.
“Do you want something else on your toast?” Zachary asked, looking down at the untouched triangles of buttered toast. Kenzie picked one up and nibbled on the corner.
“I don’t know what I want. I just feel really... unsettled today. I really don’t want anything.”
Zachary got up from the table without a word. He hadn’t touched his granola bar either. Maybe he figured if she could skip breakfast because of how anxious she felt, then he could too. He went silently to the cupboards, grabbing a few random items and eventually putting them into an insulated lunch bag she had bought for when he went on long surveillance gigs.
He handed it to her. Kenzie opened the lunch bag and looked inside. Zachary had given her an assortment of the snack foods she kept on hand mostly for him, trying to tempt him into eating healthy snacks during the day to keep his weight up and get the vitamins he needed. An applesauce cup. A yogurt drink. A box of raisins and a package of nuts. A cheese string. Kenzie chuckled at the odd assortment and looked at him.
“If you can’t eat now, you’ll get hungry later in the day,” Zachary pointed out. “I don’t know what you have in the vending machine at work, but it didn’t look too appetizing last time I was down there. This way... when you start feeling like you can eat something... you can see what you feel like. Just grab something to eat at your desk when you’re ready.”
Kenzie smiled. “Thanks. That’s really sweet. I’ll need a spoon too.”
“Oh, right.” He opened the drawer beside the fridge and selected a spoon for her. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. It was a great idea. And there are probably plastic spoons at the coffee station at work.”
“No point in clogging up the landfills.”
Kenzie rolled down the top of her lunch bag. “Do you want my toast?”
Zachary glanced at it and shook his head. There weren’t very many foods he could manage first thing in the morning. Later in the day, he had an iron stomach. He just didn’t eat enough. But first thing in the morning, even a strong smell could send him racing for the bathroom.
Kenzie looked at the time on her phone, then swiped over to review her task list and calendar.
“Oh. Don’t forget about couples therapy today.”
Zachary sighed and nodded. “I’ll be there.”
It had been a busy night and there was a lot for Kenzie to process on intake in the morning. She made sure that everything was accounted for and all the appropriate forms had been filled out, feeling clumsy and forgetful as she went from one room to another, making sure that everything was in order for Dr. Wiltshire’s arrival. It wasn’t like she was that short on sleep. But the combination of the early hour plus a request from her mother and then not eating was enough to put her into a fog. She kept getting things wrong, then criticizing herself for making such stupid mistakes, which made her feel all that much worse about herself and her abilities. Did she really think that she could be a medical examiner herself one day? Running her own office? When she couldn’t even keep up with her job handling mostly administrative work? What if she’d been a surgeon trying to operate in that state? She’d end up cutting an artery or leaving a sponge inside of someone for sure.
She looked at the time and wondered where Dr. Wiltshire was. He didn’t have a set time when he was always there, but it wasn’t usually so late. Kenzie could hear the phone ringing out at her desk and hurried to answer it, banging her shin against a desk drawer she had left open.
She muttered a few curses under her breath and reached for the phone, but the ringing stopped and the lights and display went back off again. She’d missed it.
Kenzie closed the drawer and sat down. It was bound to st
art ringing again. She brought her digital notepad up on her computer screen and looked at the phone, waiting for it to ring again. It didn’t. Kenzie went back to her inbox and started processing mail, printing off reports and filing things in the electronic system. There were a few emails to forward to Dr. Wiltshire for his response, stuff that Kenzie wasn’t experienced or senior enough to deal with herself. And that she certainly wasn’t qualified to handle them on such a harried day.
Her stomach started to rumble. Kenzie was glad for the snacks that Zachary had packed for her. She dipped into the bag and decided to start with the raisins. If her stomach didn’t like them, they were small but would still give her a concentrated sugar boost. They helped to quell her growly stomach, and Kenzie went to the coffee station for another cup. She told herself that she was short on sleep, so the extra caffeine would help her to get through the day without any significant foul-ups.
She looked at the time again as she walked back to her desk and nearly collided with Dr. Wiltshire, moving quickly toward her. Kenzie splashed the coffee but managed to stop in time to avoid drenching both of them with scalding coffee.
“Whoa. Sorry, I didn’t see you,” she apologized. “Everything okay? I was expecting you earlier.”
Dr. Wiltshire grunted. “Got an early call. Didn’t you get the message?”
Kenzie looked at her phone but didn’t have any voicemails or texts from him. “Uh... no.”
“On the other phone. I wanted the Cartwright file on my desk. The family is getting anxious and making phone calls to people who can make our lives very uncomfortable.”
“Oh. Sorry. I’ll get it for you. And there were some additional test results in the email this morning. I’ll get it all assembled.”
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