Would God do this to her . . . again? It didn’t seem right. She wavered between feelings of desperate hope, anger, and complete despair. She just had to try to see her way clear to the high ground, as Ben advised, and trust that God was working toward that goal as well: the best outcome for the baby . . . even if it didn’t include her and Dan.
SARA SAT AT HER DESK WONDERING WHAT TO DO. SHE WAS ALREADY late for her tutoring sessions at New Horizons. It wouldn’t be right to cancel now. Yet she just couldn’t face the prospect of running into Luke there again. Or worse, seeing him with Christina.
She had heard through the grapevine that Christina had rented a cottage on Beach Road and had moved into town last weekend. No wonder there had been no word from Luke. Obviously, he had been busy helping Christina get settled in.
Sara felt awful disappointing the kids, but she just couldn’t do it. There would be a break in the schedule through Christmas; maybe after that she would feel better about things and be able to go back.
She called the center and spoke to one of the teachers, Craig North, concocting an excuse that she had to work late. She did have a ton of work to clear off her desk before the holiday, mostly because she had been so preoccupied lately with Luke.
“Don’t worry, I can cover for you,” Craig said.
“Thanks, I owe you one.” Sara felt relieved. At least her students wouldn’t miss out.
“They’re pretty distracted right now with the holidays. You’re coming to the Christmas party Thursday, aren’t you?”
“No, I can’t make it. I’m going out of town—to Maryland, to see my family.”
“Oh . . . that’s nice.” Craig sounded surprised, probably since he knew Luke wasn’t going anywhere for the holidays. “Well, have a good trip. Merry Christmas and all that.”
“Merry Christmas, Craig. Have a nice vacation.”
Sara hung up feeling unsettled. It wasn’t going to be easy untwining her life from Luke’s in this small town.
She turned to her computer, ready to go back to work. There was a new e-mail in her box and she clicked it open. She recognized the address as the Philadelphia paper where she had sent her clips. She read the message quickly, a short note from the managing editor. He liked her clips and wanted to set up an interview. Sara felt jumpy with nerves. The news was exciting and stressful at the same time.
She quickly wrote back, saying she could meet with him on Thursday or Friday, on her way to Maryland, if he would let her know a convenient time.
She paused a moment before clicking the “send” command. Did she really want to do this? What if she got the job? Would she really move away from Cape Light?
Sara took a deep breath and sent the e-mail. She would do the interview, and figure the rest out later. After all, if she had plans to take a new job and move away, it would be easier to confront Luke and settle things once and for all, she reasoned. If he was going to hook up with Christina, wasn’t it better to move away?
A few hours later, Sara was the only reporter left in the office. She was concentrating on a revision and hardly noticed when Lindsay passed her desk on her way out, asking her to shut out the lights and lock the door when she left.
Sara didn’t mind staying alone in the office. She liked the quiet. It helped her concentrate and made the work go faster.
She wasn’t sure how long it was after that when she heard the sound of voices outside on the street. She picked up her head and listened. Carolers, coming toward the newspaper office.
She stood up and looked over the edge of the partitions that surrounded her desk. A group of carolers from New Horizons stood just outside the storefront window of the newspaper office. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw Luke among them.
She briefly considered ducking down again and hiding in her cubicle, like a prairie dog going back down its hole. But that would be ridiculous, she reasoned. She had to acknowledge them.
She slung a sweater around her shoulders, walked over to the door, and pulled it open as they finished “Deck the Halls.”
Sara clapped. “Thanks, that was great. We have a ton of Christmas cookies and some really stale coffee. Want to come in for a pit stop?”
“No, thanks, we’ve had enough free cookies for one night.” Peggy, one of the teachers Sara knew well, grinned at her.
“We have to get the kids back to the center. You’re our last stop,” Craig added.
“Well, thanks for remembering me. Merry Christmas, everyone. Have a great holiday.” Sara glanced around at the group, her gaze catching Luke’s.
“I’ll come in for a minute.” Luke turned to Craig. “You guys go ahead without me. I’ll catch you later.”
Before Sara could protest or make some excuse, the group of strolling singers wandered off toward Main Street and she was left alone with Luke.
“So . . . can I come in? It’s freezing out here,” he added, rubbing his bare hands together.
Of course, instead of wearing a reasonable coat, gloves, scarf, and hat, like everyone else in town—like everyone in all of New England—Luke wore only a flannel shirt and his battered leather jacket. Sara didn’t even bother to point out that he should have dressed more warmly. She just pulled open the door and walked inside, knowing he would follow.
“The coffee is back by Lindsay’s office. Help yourself.”
“I’ll skip the coffee, thanks. I really just wanted to talk to you. Craig North said you were working late so I figured you’d still be here.”
“Yes, I had to miss the tutoring so I could catch up on work.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s not really a good time. Maybe you should have called first.”
Luke let out a long frustrated breath. She wasn’t making this easy for him, but why should she? She had a good idea of what he wanted to talk about—how it was time to face things, how if she couldn’t make a commitment, he would have to move on.
She didn’t want to have that talk right now. She wasn’t ready. And he wasn’t going to drag her through it either.
Luke tilted his head to one side. “Okay then, why don’t we make a date?” When she didn’t answer, he added, “You know, that thing you do when you meet another person for a few hours. Maybe have a meal at a restaurant?”
“Sorry, I’m too busy this week. I’m going out of town.”
“To see your folks, you mean? When are you leaving?”
“On Thursday morning. I have a job interview on the way down, in Philadelphia.”
She wasn’t sure why she blurted that out. The interview wasn’t even confirmed. Maybe she just wanted to see his reaction. Would he be upset about her going, or relieved?
Luke looked so stunned, she almost felt sorry for him.
“I told you I sent out my clips. Maybe you don’t remember—”
“I remember. You wanted to work on a bigger paper. I thought the bigger paper was going to be in Boston, though, where I was somehow worked into the picture.”
“I sent my clips to a lot of places. This is the one that answered.”
“Right. It’s that simple, is it?” He dug his hands in his pockets and his gaze narrowed.
“I sent my clips to a few papers in Boston. They didn’t answer. So I need to go to this interview, if only to hear them out. It might be a good opportunity.”
It wasn’t the entire reason she wanted to go, and both of them knew it. Sara sighed and drifted back toward her desk.
She moved some pieces of paper around on the desktop but didn’t sit down. When she looked up again, over the top of the dividers that surrounded her desk, Luke was still staring at her.
“Well, that settles that, I guess.” His voice was clipped and falsely bright. “Good luck with your interview. Have a nice holiday and all that stuff. Have a nice life in Philadelphia,” he added, not even bothering now to hide his sarcasm.
Sara nodded, just wishing he would go.
He turned away so quickly, she found herself saying good-bye to his back.
Just a
s well, she thought, sinking down into her chair. She hid her face in her hands and heard the front door to the office slam. She didn’t know if he had bothered to look back at her. She didn’t want him to see her crying anyway.
It was the only time she was ever glad that she worked in a cubicle.
“EMILY? I’M HOME.” EMILY STIRRED IN HER SLEEP AS DAN SOFTLY called her name.
When she opened her eyes, he leaned over and kissed her. His cheek was still cold from the outdoors.
“What time is it?” She sat up slowly and wiggled her shoulders, which felt cramped from sleeping on the couch.
“About eleven. I called from the road. I guess you didn’t get the message.”
“I didn’t hear it. I must have been sleeping.”
“You should have gone to bed. You didn’t have to wait up.”
“That’s all right. I wanted to.” Emily watched him take off his jacket and cap.
He sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulder. “How’s the baby?”
“She’s fine,” Emily said slowly. “She should be up soon for a bottle.”
“I can stay with her tomorrow night if you need to finish your shopping.”
Emily remembered asking Dan if he would mind if she ran out to the stores tomorrow. It didn’t seem to matter now, though.
She turned and looked at him. It was going to be hard to tell him the news from Nadine Preston. Telling Dan made it more real. But she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer.
“I had a call from Nadine today,” she began. “She told me the investigation may have turned up a relative. Not Jane’s mother . . . but someone else. Someone who might take Jane.”
There, she said it. Her throat was suddenly thick, her eyes watery again.
Dan’s expression was instantly alarmed. “A relative? I thought they were done searching.”
“Well, I guess not. Not completely.”
He rubbed her shoulder, pulling her closer. “What about the timing of all this? Did she say when they would know?”
Emily shrugged. “She wasn’t sure. Maybe before Christmas or maybe after. I’m not sure how quickly they would . . . take Jane away.”
She couldn’t stand it anymore and pressed her head to Dan’s shoulder, crying freely now.
He stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. “Sweetheart, I know it’s hard. But we knew she was only going to be with us temporarily. Even if they didn’t find a relative, we would have to give her up at some point down the road, when she’s finally adopted.”
Emily couldn’t answer. Didn’t Dan see that if by some miracle Jane was available to them, they had to be the ones to adopt her?
But she felt too worn out and heartsick to argue about that now. She settled for saying, “It just doesn’t seem fair. I thought we would have more time with her.”
Dan met her gaze but didn’t answer.
“Don’t you feel bad about losing her?”
He hesitated just a moment, then nodded his head. “Yes . . . yes, I do. You know that.”
He sighed and brushed Emily’s cheek with the back of his hand. “It will hurt us both if she goes, but it might be for the best, Emily.”
“That’s what Reverend Ben said. I saw him today, out on the green. He said I ought to try to let this go and trust that God will figure out what’s best for the baby. Do you think that’s true?”
Emily knew her husband wasn’t the most religious man. He hadn’t set foot in a church for years before they got together. Dan was very spiritual in his own way, though. He always said his church was the open sea and the sky above, and that he and God had their best talks while he was sailing.
“Yes, I do, dear.” He leaned over and kissed her. “I think we have no choice now but to just wait and see.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“SARA, YOU BOUGHT WAY TOO MANY PRESENTS AND SPENT MUCH too much on us. Really, dear. . .” Emily shook her head, watching as Sara emptied out her two shopping bags of gifts and arranged them under Emily and Dan’s Christmas tree.
“I found some really hip little outfits for Jane at a store in Newburyport, but I’m not going to tell you more. I want you to be surprised.”
Emily gazed at her, a soft warm light in her eyes. Sara knew it was hard for her to talk about Jane, now that everything was up in the air with the investigation. It was partly the news that the baby might be leaving soon that caused Sara to run out and buy even more gifts for her.
She sat on the couch with Emily again. They had just finished dinner, and after coffee and dessert, Dan had disappeared into his study.
“The house looks beautiful.” Sara gazed around at the elegant decorations. Though Emily wasn’t usually big on holiday decorating, she had gone all out this year. “Are you sure one of those home makeover shows didn’t sneak in here?”
Emily smiled. “No, I did it all myself. On a spree, I guess you could say.”
A happy spree, inspired by the hope that she would adopt the baby, Sara knew. She felt so bad for Emily. Her feelings of being overshadowed by Jane seemed so immature now, so insignificant in comparison.
Emily took a sip of coffee. “So you leave tomorrow morning. Are you driving?”
Sara nodded. She hadn’t told Emily yet about the job interview. It was difficult to find the right words, especially knowing all she was going through right now with Jane.
But Sara couldn’t hide it from her. She didn’t want to. They had always had a very honest relationship. That was one of the wonderful things about it.
“I’m going to stop off in Philadelphia,” she began. “I sent my clips out to some newspapers a few weeks ago, and an editor down there contacted me. I’ve got an interview.”
Emily frowned as if she didn’t understand. “An interview? Are you going to write freelance for them?”
Sara shook her head. “No, for a full-time job.” She took a deep breath. This was even harder than she thought it would be. “I’ve been thinking about working on a bigger paper, Emily. I think I’m ready to leave Cape Light.”
Emily sat back, looking surprised and dismayed. “I didn’t know you were unhappy at the paper, Sara. You never complain about it.”
“I am happy there,” Sara said quickly. “It’s a cool place to work and Lindsay is a great boss, really. I could probably stay there forever, if I wanted to. But sometimes I think I need something more challenging.”
Emily was silent for a moment. Sara could see her gathering her thoughts. “I understand. I just wish you didn’t have to go so far away. But I know reporters move around a lot. Maybe after Philadelphia you’ll come back up to Boston or New York.”
“Maybe,” Sara said, grateful that Emily wasn’t pressuring her to stay in Cape Light.
Emily cast her a concerned look. “It’s also because of Luke, isn’t it?”
“Not really. I sent all these clips out way before we started having problems. I do want to advance in my career, which means moving to a bigger paper. That was part of our argument actually . . . our first argument.” Sara knew her voice sounded sad. She couldn’t help it.
Emily leaned over suddenly and hugged her tight. “Oh, Sara, honey, I wish you didn’t have to go through all this painful stuff. I hate to see you feeling so sad about Luke. I wish there was something I could do.”
Sara closed her eyes and hugged Emily back. Emily loved her and would be there for her, always. How could she have ever doubted it? There was enough love in Emily’s heart to go around, even if she adopted ten children.
They parted slowly. Sara felt a little teary but managed not to cry. Emily took her hand. “I wish you luck with the interview, honey, if this is what you really want.”
“Thanks. It was hard for me to tell you.”
“I know, and I’m glad you did. I can’t say I like the idea of you moving away. But I know I’ve been lucky you wanted to stay in Cape Light as long as you did. Having you here has been a great gift to me, Sara. You probably can’t realize.”
�
�I think I do . . .” Sara wanted to tell Emily how much their relationship meant to her, too. But somehow the words failed her.
She heard the baby crying in another room.
“Jane’s up,” Emily said. She started to get up from the couch.
“I’ll get her,” Sara said, and before Emily could argue, she rose and left the room.
Emily’s bedroom was cast in soft shadows, lit by a small nightlight on the baby’s changing table. Jane was lying on her back, wearing one-piece pajamas with covered feet. She was tangled in a blanket, but stopped crying as soon as she saw Sara.
Sara lifted her up and checked her diaper. All dry. Maybe she’s hungry, she thought. Or just wants some company.
The baby felt so soft and smelled so good. She hugged her close and kissed the top of her feathery head.
She was such a dear. Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to have a baby if she had one as sweet as Jane. Sara felt shocked for a moment at the thought, but she knew it was true.
She held Jane close, the baby’s head resting on her shoulder. She wondered if this would be the last time she’d see Jane, or hold her like this. The realization took her breath away, it was so stunningly final.
“Little Jane. You little sweet potato . . . I hope you don’t go,” Sara whispered. “I could have been your big sister. I would have loved that,” she said honestly. “I really would have.”
IN THE DAYS AFTER NADINE PRESTON’S CALL, EMILY KNEW SHE WAS hard to live with. She was depressed and distracted, jumping out of her skin every time the phone rang. When Christmas Eve arrived and they still hadn’t heard from Nadine, she decided that she didn’t feel up to her sister’s big Christmas Eve party. There would be so many people, so much revelry; besides, she couldn’t imagine facing all the questions about Jane.
Emily sat at the breakfast table with Dan, feeding Jane a bottle. “I hate to disappoint Jessica and Sam, but I don’t think I can handle it,” she admitted.
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