by Kat Catesby
“You don’t miss a trick, do you?”
“You seem to be forgetting that I know you pretty well. I can tell when you are chewing something over in that head of yours. Also, as you pointed out, we haven’t seen each other in six months. So why are you suddenly at my door, walking into my apartment with a sexy smile on your face as if no time at all has passed?”
His face grows serious, the shallow lines around his eyes freezing as he fixes me with a look that has my insides turning cold. He doesn’t need to say a word for me to know I’m not going to like what comes next.
Mason breathes heavily, sighing in defeat.
“I’m leaving town, Kels.”
For the second time in as many minutes, I’m frozen in shock.
Mason Fox is a local institution, a genuine Aspen hero. His family has lived here for generations. I never in a million years imagined a world where he didn’t live in Aspen.
“Say something, sweetheart. You’ve gone all pale.”
I stare off into the middle distance as my brain scrambles to make sense of the shock until a large, warm hand gently cups my cheek, forcing my face up to meet his gaze.
“Why? When?” I whisper with a shaky voice. I didn’t realize how much hope I still carried for a reconciliation until he uttered the words that dashed my wishful thinking.
“Because I need a fresh start, Kels. What we went through shows me that. And in the six months since then, it’s been a constant battle of wills between me, Helen, my parents, and hers. I’ve had emails and messages recommending fertility specialists, couples therapy, and even surprise ‘dates’ thrown at me. There’s nothing like turning up at a restaurant to meet your parents only to be ambushed by your ex in the world’s most fucked up blind date. I’m at a loss as to why they are so driven to see me and Helen back together but my mother has even started turning up at the station for ‘chats’. It’s impacting every aspect of my life and making it impossible to move on. I don’t have any siblings to hide behind so the full terrifying focus of my parents is on me and the marriage they want me to have with Helen. Why can no one accept that it’s over?”
“I don’t know. I wish they could. We’d be together if they could accept that and I hate that we aren’t.”
“They seem determined not to let me live my life how I see fit. I’m a fucking forty-year-old man and my mother is constantly breathing down my neck. I will happily run into a hundred burning buildings if they would just let me live in peace.”
“You didn’t answer my other question; when are you leaving?”
Mason shifts awkwardly and his grip on my cheek tightens ever-so-slightly as if he’s trying to hold me in place. He needn’t bother, the man is touching me so I sure as shit won’t be moving anywhere.
“Tomorrow.”
Okay. I lied. I am moving. I wrench my face away and take a step back, not even attempting to hide the full scale of my horror.
“Tomorrow?” I half shriek. “How on earth did you keep that quiet? You’re the fire chief for fuck sake. They have to replace you and the whole town would be talking about it if you’d announced your resignation.”
“Exactly. I don’t want my family knowing where I’ve gone until I’m ready to tell them. I need space from all of this and that isn’t going to happen if they can just follow me wherever I go. I’m hoping my parents learn the valuable lesson of keeping the fuck out of my life and when they do, then I’ll tell them where I’ve moved.”
“What about the station?”
“There are plenty of guys there who can step up until a replacement is found. Honestly? I love the firehouse and everyone in it, but it’s not my job to replace myself. An opportunity came up, I’ve taken it and am using the vacation days owed to me to leave town sooner and set myself up before the new job starts.”
“What about me? Would you have even told me if I hadn’t messaged you today?” I know the answer already but I want to hear him say it, to have him admit it to me and see how shitty his reasoning is.
Mason would have left town without saying goodbye if he thought it was the right thing to do. Had I not messaged him today, he’d have decided that as we haven’t been in contact there’d be no reason to start now and run the risk of dredging up our heartache.
But I don’t feel that way; him leaving without a word makes me feel inconsequential. Like in the grand scheme of his life, I’m a blip on the radar, not a milestone worth remembering. And I’ll be remembering Mason and the love we shared until I’m old and grey and barely have any memories left.
He looks me deep in the eyes, unspoken emotion swirling in the depths of his.
“No, Kelsey, I wouldn’t have. Until this morning we hadn’t spoken and that gave me enough hope to think your heart was mending –”
“It isn’t, you dumbass,” I half cry as I shove his broad chest.
“I can see that now. I know what it cost you to reach out to me and that’s why I’m here. And because I’m selfish enough that I wanted to see you one last time.”
“Where are you going? Do you honestly mean for us to never see each other again? If you feel a fraction of what I feel, why didn’t you think to ask me if I’d go with you?” The questions fly out of my mouth in an emotional rush. I don’t care if I look needy or pathetic; the man I love is leaving town and leaving me behind.
“A position came up at a station in L.A. It came up quickly and I jumped on it. I’m not trying to cut you out of my life but equally, I can’t ask you to uproot yours.”
“What if I’m offering?” The panic is coming thick and fast and making it difficult to breathe. Pretty sure my eyes are damp too.
Fucking tears.
“Your home, job, family, and friends are all here. I’m not going to let you throw that away on a relationship that may or may not work.”
“The risk is mine to take, not yours. You don’t get to decide for me. And do you honestly think we wouldn’t work if we had the chance to start over somewhere new?” I know I can’t force my way into Mason’s life if he doesn’t want it, but has he even considered living with me in a new city? If moving was an option, why didn’t we consider it while we were still together? I guess it comes down to timing and the availability of a suitable job for him in a new city.
“I don’t know, Kels. I like to think we’d work out but I can’t take the risk that it won’t. I can’t watch you give everything up for me, only for me to fuck it up or for life to get in the way again. I couldn’t bear the thought that you lost all you hold dear because of me.”
“Again, that’s my call to make. You don’t get to decide the level of importance I place on the things in my life. If I decide that moving across the country with you brings me the most happiness, you don’t get to tell me it doesn’t.”
I’m being stubborn, but it’s my life and my decisions to make.
I can see confusion and hope swirling in the depths of his hazel eyes; he’s too afraid to ask me, given the heartbreak we’ve been through, but the idea isn’t unwelcome.
But just as quickly as the hope flickers to life, some other fear douses it to non-existence. Mason’s eyes harden, his posture rigid and I know there’s no persuading him to see things my way.
“And what happens when I can’t give you a baby?”
His question stops my heart dead in my chest.
We’ve never spoken about starting a family before. I know that his and Helen’s fertility problems sucked the love from their marriage until there was nothing but sour bitterness between them. But I’d never stopped to consider what might happen if we decided to try for a family…or more specifically, what would happen if we couldn’t have one.
Mason mistakes my shock and momentary silence as confirmation of an impending and insurmountable issue.
“Exactly, sweetheart. I won’t be the reason you sacrifice motherhood or the reason behind another person falling out of love with me.”
He reaches for my hand and I let him take it in his, the rough skin b
urning against my trembling fingers.
This is the moment, the goodbye I can’t face all over again.
As much as I want to look at him and commit his features to memory and savor this last moment together, I can’t do it. Maybe my avoidance is a way of clawing a few extra precious seconds out of the situation. Either way, all I can do is look down and stare at the large, slightly scuffed and worn boots he refuses to part with. It was always a source of amusement how attached he is to them; he argues that they are perfectly molded to his feet…my argument being that they’ve had at least a decade to manage that feat.
Mason’s hand gently but firmly squeezes mine in an attempt to make me look at him, and when that fails, he steps further into my personal space until we are almost chest to chest…or as close as can be with the height difference.
He hooks a finger under my chin and applies gentle pressure until I’m forced to look straight into his warm hazel eyes. I used to be able to get lost in their depths, now there are too many colors and flecks to commit to memory and not enough time…
Time.
It’s been our greatest enemy; not enough time together, too much time apart, time interrupted by the woman who’s had her time with him. And now time is all I’m left with. Memories of our time and the bitterness of the time stolen from me.
I just want to hit the pause button. Make everything stop. Hold on to the warmth of his body and his actual presence for just a few more moments.
But dwelling on impossibilities only hurts more. In a few short seconds, this time will be a memory and I need to make my peace with that…
I don’t fucking want to, but what choice do I have?
“Kelsey,” Mason’s deep yet emotional voice pulls my attention back to him; I need to be in this moment with him or I’ll regret that too.
I look at him, ignoring the sting of my eyelids signaling that tears are imminent. He cups my face easily with his large hands, his thumbs gently tracing the peaks of my cheekbones. The moment is so intimate my heart feels too big for my chest and my lungs are non-existent.
Where is oxygen when you need it?
“I hate this and I’m sorry,” he says gruffly before pressing his lips to mine, the heat of them igniting an inferno in my soul, consuming me from the inside out.
How can this be our last kiss?
No two people who kiss with such love and passion should be denied the beauty of being with each other.
His lips move fluidly against mine in the perfect rhythm I’ve come to adore. He kisses me like he’s drawing the air he needs to breathe directly from my body and the last of my resistance shatters. My hands roam his body, gripping his shirt and his hair in any way that anchors me to him more effectively.
Mason’s strong arms wrap tightly around me, making me feel small and cherished as the kiss deepens, his tongue dipping into my mouth, testing my response before he devours me completely.
This is the kiss.
The kiss that normally leads us to the nearest available surface suitable for fucking against.
He grips me tightly, his hands roaming while his tongue laps against mine. My knees feel weak as he spins us around and my back makes gentle contact with the wall that’s now behind me. Mason dwarfs me as his body presses against mine, his hard muscles as solid as the wall so that I’m encased on all sides.
The urgency of our connection burns through me; passion, adrenaline, love…need. Every emotion that we’ve experienced together rushes through my veins until my knees are weak with desire and desperation for the man who holds me captive…physically and emotionally.
Mason glides a hand up the side of my neck, giving it a gentle squeeze as he presses his hips against mine, his sizeable erection evident with each less-than-subtle grind.
Just when I think we’re both lost to the sensations, Mason pulls back, leaving me bereft and out of breath.
With a pained look, he plants a chaste kiss on my forehead, holds me there for a split second, before bolting out my front door without a word or backward glance.
In the briefest of moments, he went from here to not here.
Gone from my life forever.
The silence he’s left in his wake is as unbearable as it is deafening and I have nothing left to keep me functioning…I crumble to the floor in the exact spot the man I love left me in. My body shaking with unfulfilled passion and devastating heartbreak. Hot tears clouding my vision and burning a path down my cheeks.
I don’t know how long I sit like this, but when I finally climb to my feet, there are no more tears left to cry.
Chapter Two
Mason
That was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
And yes, I’m including my divorce in that statement.
Tearing myself away from Kelsey’s embrace, the plump heat of her lips, the gentleness of her caress (despite the effort of her delicate hands clawing at me), and the needy little gasps she made when I pinned her to the wall with my body, was way worse than divorcing Helen. For the simple reason that by the end, I despised Helen. But Kelsey? Kelsey, I’m still deeply in love with.
I stare morosely out the windshield of my truck as I drive through the city limits, leaving Aspen and Kelsey in my rearview. It doesn’t feel as liberating and relieving as I thought it would and I know the reason is the pair of loving chocolate eyes I left crying in my wake.
Yeah, I stood outside her door and listened to her cry. My heart hurting just as badly. It was like breaking up all over again, only worse because I can’t live each day with the hope that I’ll see her around town or catch her commute to work, which takes her past my old firehouse.
Like a certified stalker, I’d be waiting by the window to see her borderline health hazard of a car drive past with her sitting competently behind the wheel. Honestly? Her driving skills are the only reason I didn’t insist on buying her a new car…and I was close to it several times. I’ve pulled enough people out of vehicles throughout my career that the idea of her driving around in anything that isn’t bomb-proof scares the fuck out of me. But Kelsey is independent and even for the sake of my sanity wouldn’t accept me gifting her a car without a massive battle of wills.
Another key difference between her and Helen: Kelsey is happy to earn everything in her life, even if it takes her several decades on her criminally low PA salary. Helen wants the finer things in life and she wants them yesterday. If my finances were solely dependent on my fire chief salary then I doubt she’d have even looked twice at me as a suitable life partner. But my family comes from money and I have the advantage of a trust fund, which I was smart enough to invest wisely.
My parents are accidental snobs and my mom nearly choked on her sherry when I told them my intention to enter the fire department instead of heading off to become some bored-ass lawyer or investment banker. Dad even went as far as to suggest that given my desire to help people and make a difference, why didn’t I just go to medical school?
Why?
Because it was my choice, that’s why.
All I ever wanted was to carve my future.
All they wanted from their only child was the ability to gloat about my successes.
They had a small amount of that when I became fire chief and I was married to Helen; looking for all the world like an upstanding, picture-perfect family.
And what do picture-perfect families have?
Babies.
The ability for Helen and my parents to lord it over our neighbors quickly evaporated when a tiny, chubby version of us failed to materialize from our loins.
Secretly, I was relieved.
Then I was quickly ashamed of myself for feeling that way.
I loved Helen, didn’t I? Why would I be relieved to not have a baby with her?
It took a lot of soul-searching to understand the truth: I cared deeply for Helen. So deeply that there was never anything wrong enough to make us break up. My parents loved her, so did their snobbish friends and before long
it just became expected that we would take the next step…buy a house…get married…start a family.
Because I cared about her and didn’t feel that there was any reason not to, I allowed myself to get swept along by the desires and expectations of everyone around me.
It was only years later – when the cracks appeared and the strain apparent – that I realized we didn’t function well enough to overcome the tougher of life’s obstacles as a team. She became more concerned about appearances than our happiness and I became more focused on my work and not being around the vapid atmosphere that Helen and my parents created.
The three of them are going to lose their shit when they find out I’ve left town. More so when they realize they don’t know where I’ve gone. I’ve left no forwarding address and I’ve got a brand-new phone and number so they can’t contact me. I even set up a new email address and, not that I use it much, but I’ve created all new private social media accounts as well…just to well and truly cover all my bases. No one can contact me if I don’t want them to. Apart from Max; he has all my new information, but no one has the skills to torture it out of him.
I feel a little sick when I realize that the digital black hole I’ve insisted on, also sucks Kelsey into its gravity. She doesn’t have any of my new information. I tell myself it’s for the best; she can have a fresh start without the shadow of me lingering over her shoulder.
I keep kidding myself that she won’t be more devasted when she realizes I’ve cut off all contact with her, but fail miserably and keep glancing guiltily at the lumbering removal van in my rearview.
That in itself is a small fucking miracle. Todd, the driver, owed me a big favor and managed to keep his mouth shut about my move…it also helps that I’m paying double the going rate for the privilege of his silence. I chose today as the date to abscond because my parents are co-chairing an event that Helen is also working on, so all three are self-absorbed on the other side of town. Perfect for making a clean getaway…
…And by clean, I’m excluding Kelsey’s broken heart from the equation.