by Kailin Gow
And then it’s done. The light is finished, leaving me holding nothing more than a blackened husk that used to be a man. A few flakes drop from it in the breeze as I let go. I turn away. Grayson is a little way away, fighting with another man just like the first. I’m not sure where he’s come from, but I don’t have time to think about it anyway. For all that Grayson is fit and strong, he doesn’t have any special training when it comes to fighting, and he’s getting hurt. Even as I watch, the man he’s fighting hits him hard with a series of punches. I can’t allow that. I won’t allow that.
I walk over, and they stop. They just stop, and turn, and stare at me. I can’t work out what they’re staring at for a moment, until I catch a glimpse of myself reflected in the windshield of the sedan. My eyes… they’re glowing. Glowing like miniature suns, with that same eerie white light that consumed a man just seconds ago. I guess I should be frightened by that, but again, I’m not. It’s like one of those moments you get in dreams, when you know exactly what is going to happen next, without ever knowing how you know it. Only I’m not in a dream, and what I’m about to do ought to terrify me.
It certainly seems to terrify Grayson as I walk forward. He steps back, out of my path, looking as though he simply doesn’t know me. He must know that I would never hurt him, yet he still steps back. The man he was fighting, meanwhile, seems rooted to the spot. He obviously wants to turn and run, but it’s like he’s simply too scared. Even when I reach out to grab his throat, he doesn’t fight.
Not that it would have done him much good if he had, I think, and I can’t help noticing the small twinge of satisfaction that comes with that. I wrap my fingers around his neck, and the light flares out from me to engulf him, consuming him as fully as it consumed his partner. He dies without a sound.
And then I blink, look round, and realize that I’m holding the charred remains of a human being. I drop them with a shudder. Grayson’s looking at me like he can’t believe what has just happened, and like he isn’t sure whether to talk to me or run from me.
“What…?” I begin, but then I look at Jack, and what I see there worries me almost more than anything else. Jack looks proud.
TWELVE
I just stare at Jack for several seconds, trying to work out what to think. Trying to work out what I should say. He looks so impressed at what I’ve done, and the idea that anyone could be impressed by my burning two men from the inside out is just so horrific that for a moment, there just doesn’t seem to be any way of talking about it. There’s one point though that seems obvious.
“You knew,” I say. “You knew that this would happen, Jack.”
Jack doesn’t reply. With anyone else, I might think that’s due to shock from the bullet wound in his shoulder, yet I know that isn’t it. Jack isn’t talking because he doesn’t want to give me answers. He’s keeping secrets from me.
“Is this why people are chasing me?” I demand, moving closer to where he sits against the front wheel of the car. “Is it because they know what I can do? Is it because they know I can do this to people? Answer me, Jack!”
Jack shakes his head. “You should be proud of what you’re becoming, Celes, not afraid.”
I turned around on him. “I didn’t say that I was afraid.”
“You are though, aren’t you? I know you, Celes. You’re afraid of what you might do to people.”
I look at the charred remains of the men I’ve just killed. They were hurting people I care about, but they didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that. “Wouldn’t you be afraid?”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Jack insists, forcing himself to his feet. “You’re still you. You have a certain amount of power, but that’s all. The way you choose to use it is entirely up to you, Celes.”
I wish I could believe that. I wish I could believe that this was as straightforward as that, and that I was in complete control. Yet I can remember all too clearly what it felt like in the moments when I killed those men. It felt good. It felt right. How could it feel right to burn somebody alive? That wasn’t me. At least, it wasn’t any part of me that I recognized.
“I’m not sure it was me, Jack.”
“Celes,” he begins, “you have to trust me.”
“Why?” I demand, moving away from him. Moving towards Grayson. “Why should I trust you, Jack? Do you know what I’m becoming? If you did, then that means you knew this was a possibility and you didn’t warn me. If you didn’t, then it means that you don’t know enough to tell me that I don’t need to worry. So which is it, Jack? How much did you know?”
“We knew about you being able to move faster than most people,” Jack said. “We’ve observed that before.”
“What?” that’s enough to shock me into looking at Jack again. I haven’t run like that before. I’m sure of it. “When?”
“Shortly before you had to Fade,” Jack says.
“That’s a lie,” Grayson says. “I’m the one who has been running with her. I would have known if Celes could run that fast. I would have known.”
“This wasn’t on the track, boy.” There’s only a few years between them, so that’s calculated to insult. I decide to step in.
“When?” I demand. “When have I ever run as fast as this before?”
“You had just argued with Grayson,” Jack says. “About Georgetown. Do you remember?”
I do remember, then. It’s like the memory is waiting just under the surface, looking for an excuse to come up. Grayson and I had both wanted the same scholarship, and for the most part, the rivalry was friendly. But once, just once, it spilled over into an argument. Grayson told me how selfish I was being, going for it when he was the better athlete. I told him he was being an idiot, and that some of us needed the scholarship more than others.
We made up the day after, telling each other how much we cared, and how stupid we were to argue like that. We promised not to fight over the scholarship anymore, and we even tried to help one another do better. Yet until now, my memory of that argument has glossed over what happened straight after it.
I remember it now. I remember going out to the track, with nobody around. I remember thinking that I would show Grayson. That I would run faster than he ever had. And I remember running. I remember running normally at first, but then it was like something else took over. Something that made it easy to go faster, and faster. Something that made it simple to smash Grayson’s time, along with any record I wanted to. With the memory so fresh now, it’s easy to compare it to the way I felt when I was trying to get to Jack, and I realize that the feelings are identical. Jack’s right. I have run like that before.
“How…” I half shut my eyes. “How did I just forget something like that? You didn’t… do something to me, did you?”
Jack shakes his head. “You know that doesn’t work on you, Celes. Things would be a lot simpler if it did.”
I nod. Jack’s right. Things would be simpler if the Underground could have adjusted my memory. I wouldn’t have come after Grayson, and then this whole situation would never have happened. I wouldn’t have to ask questions about being able to do the impossible, because I wouldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t have been here, putting myself in danger, putting Grayson in danger.
Putting Jack in danger. He isn’t complaining about the wound to his shoulder, but it has to be hurting him. After all, you don’t just ignore getting shot, do you? And Jack wouldn’t have been shot if he hadn’t had to come after me to try to save me. The Others wouldn’t have found me, so Jack wouldn’t have needed to fight them at all. I wouldn’t have needed to fight them, or to do what I did to them in the end.
“How do you know about some argument Celes and I had back before you met her?” Grayson asks, distracting me from my thoughts for a moment with his hostility towards Jack. I decide that I should be the one to explain, because I guess that if Jack is the one to give the answers, it will only make things worse between them.
“The organization Jack works for was watching me for a while befor
e I Faded,” I say.
“A while?”
I swallow, suddenly not wanting to hold this part back from Grayson. “My whole life. They’ve been watching me my whole life.”
“You know why, Celes,” Jack says. “The Underground had to investigate the signals it was getting, though what Sebastian Cook is going to make of today’s events, I don’t know.”
I haven’t thought up to then about what the rest of the Underground might think. Until then, I’ve been mostly worried by Jack and Grayson’s reactions. It hits me that what I’ve done here today will almost certainly have consequences. Jack might even be replaced as the one looking after me for this.
“Will my running off really cause trouble for you?” I ask him, and I catch Grayson looking at me as I say it. He seems confused, as though he can’t work out why I might care what happens to Jack.
Jack gives a kind of one shouldered shrug, meanwhile. It’s obviously the best he can manage with his injured arm. “It might, but I guess he’ll probably think that was unavoidable. A consequence of the situation. The part he’ll be interested in is the new ability you’ve demonstrated today.”
It’s such a neutral way to put it, as though they’re just marking down test results, or keeping track of my running times. Not calmly noting that I have the ability to hurt people, to burn people. To kill people.
I can’t stop myself from taking another look at those bodies. They’re dried out, blackened ruins. They look like the kind of thing you might get after a house fire, or in some kind of horror movie. No, they don’t even look like that, but I know what they do look like. I went to a museum once where they were showing an exhibit on the Egyptians, and there were pictures of mummies dried out by heat over thousands of years. The bodies here look like those. Like they haven’t been human in centuries.
Yet they have. Just a few minutes ago, these were living, breathing men. They probably had families, friends. They probably made bad jokes in their canteen when they weren’t chasing people around in cars, or went bowling, or something. They were attacking me, attacking Jack and Grayson, but I just killed them. I killed them, and I didn’t feel anything. I feel it now. The breeze shifts and I get a sudden scent of burned flesh. It’s enough to send me scrambling for the side of the road, where I fall to my knees and throw up.
Jack’s there almost instantly, holding my hair back and helping me up, even though with his shoulder, I’m supporting him as much as he’s supporting me.
“It’s all right, Celes. It’s all right.”
“No, it isn’t. I’m a walking freak. It so isn’t all right.”
“No, but it will be.” He says that with the certainty I’ve learnt to trust. “I know this is all strange for you, but we’re going to deal with this. You’re going to understand what’s going on, I promise. I’ll keep you safe.”
He holds me for a moment, and then I see Grayson over his shoulder. His expression is furious.
“Hey,” he says. “Unless I’ve misunderstood everything that’s happened here, Celes didn’t actually break up with me herself. That was you, right?”
Jack doesn’t say anything. In fact, he pointedly doesn’t say anything. He blanks Grayson completely, concentrating on holding me.
Grayson keeps going. “And if Celes didn’t break up with me, then as far as I’m concerned, we’re still together. So it should be me comforting her, not you.”
Jack looks around then, and his expression is calm, but in that dangerous way he has just before things get out of control. “This is something I have to do.”
“Really?” Grayson asks, then he looks at me. “Are you and this guy together, Celes?”
I start to shake my head, but then stop myself. “We have been. It’s part of our cover.”
“So it’s not real?”
Jack steps forward. “We have bigger questions than that.”
“Like what?” Grayson demands.
“Like what we’re going to do with you. You obviously can’t stay around Celes.”
“Says who?”
“Me,” Jack says, moving towards Grayson. “Celes is in danger now because of you. You’re going to have to disappear, and if you want Celes to be safe, it’s not going to be anywhere near her.”
THIRTEEN
Grayson looks like he can’t believe what Jack has just said. “You’re blaming me because Celes is in danger? Like it has nothing to do with you?”
I can feel the tension between them then as Jack lets go of me to move directly in front of Grayson, too close for it to be anything but a challenge.
“Yes, I’m blaming you.”
“You have no right to-”
“I have every right,” Jack says, not raising his voice. “If it weren’t for you, Celes would have moved on. She wouldn’t be here, in danger. Celes needs-”
“Don’t call her that,” Grayson says. He shakes his head. “You don’t get to call Celes by that name.”
I’m pretty sure that I should be the one who decides that, but I don’t have a chance to say so, because Jack is already speaking.
“I’ll call her what I want, because I’m the one who’s going to be there for her. I’m the one who has been there for her.”
It’s hard just standing there as Jack says that. I know it’s true, he has been there for me, but I also don’t want him treating Grayson like this. He has no right to treat Grayson like this, whatever he might think about my boyfriend. Former boyfriend.
It occurs to me then that even I don’t know which of those terms is the correct one. Grayson and I didn’t break up, so in that sense, I guess we’re still together. On the other hand, I’ve just spent the last few weeks living with Jack. Kissing Jack. But that was just cover. It wasn’t real. Except that it felt real. The situation’s enough to make my head hurt.
“Being there for her?” Grayson demands. “Is that what you call kidnapping Celes? Dragging her off who knows where and putting her in danger.”
“I’m the one keeping Celes out of danger.” Jack doesn’t back down. “And it’s not kidnapping. It’s protection.”
“So it’s protection when you get to go around pretending to be her boyfriend? Do you kiss her? How much further do you go? There’s a name for guys like you, you know.”
“Grayson,” I say, trying to defuse the situation. Unfortunately it seems to be a little late for that.
“Watch your mouth, kid,” Jack says.
“Or what?”
I can’t believe that Grayson is being that confrontational. It just isn’t like him. And to do it with Jack, who is only out to protect me, just seems stupid. I open my mouth to say as much, but then shut it again, because I’ve just realized how all this must seem to Grayson. Here I am going around with a guy three or four years older than me after just disappearing, driving around in cars Grayson must assume belong to Jack, letting him call me by the name only Grayson called me.
He’s jealous, and it’s easy to see why. From where Grayson is standing, it has to look like Jack and I are deep into a serious relationship. That I’ve just forgotten about him, going along with this suave, confident, handsome guy and going far further with him than I actually have. He’s angry, and he’s probably scared too. Scared that he’s found me again only to lose me. Scared that he can’t compete. That isn’t a good combination.
“What are you going to do about it?” Grayson repeats. It’s schoolboy stuff; the kind of thing that I’d never have thought he would resort to, but I guess after everything that has just happened to him, from being chased by men in black sedans to seeing Jack comfort me, he just doesn’t have many better options left.
And Jack… Jack really isn’t helping.
“I’m going to forget about you,” Jack says. “It’s not like you’re going to be around.”
“Jack, what do you mean?” I ask.
Jack half turns his back to me, and his tone is less harsh. “I’m sorry, Celes. If Grayson stays with you, the Outsiders will find you through him. That,
or they’ll hurt him to get to you. He has to go to the Underground, and then go on from there.”
“I don’t have to go anywhere,” Grayson says.
Jack shrugs one shoulder again. “Fine. Stay here. See how long you last. The Others don’t play games.”
I see the flash of fear on Grayson’s face, but he covers it well, with more anger. “I’m going wherever Celes goes.”
“No, you aren’t.” Jack says it like it’s a simple fact.
“Jack,” I say, knowing that it’s the only way Grayson is going to be anywhere near me, “we should let him come with us.”
“And what would that do to our cover?” Jack asks.
“The cover doesn’t matter,” I snap back. “Not compared to this.”
Jack shakes his head. “It matters, Celes. You matter. And if I could keep you happy, I would, but there is no way Grayson here can come with us. You know that. He can’t be in the same place as you. It’s hard enough hiding you alone, without having to add your ex-boyfriend to the list.”
“I am not her ‘ex’ anything,” Grayson says.
Jack just stares at him levelly, and I’m suddenly scared. What will happen if Grayson actually tries to attack him? Jack might be wounded, but he was holding his own against trained men before, while Grayson was just getting hurt. Do I really want to watch that? I know as soon as I ask myself it that I don’t. But it seems I don’t get a choice.
Grayson swings a punch at Jack, and Jack sways inside it, trapping the arm one handed and using the momentum of the movement to level Grayson down to his knees. Jack’s own knee is pressed against Grayson’s elbow, forcing the arm straight, so that I know he could break it with just a little more pressure if he wanted to. He manages all that without ever using his injured arm, knocking Grayson down easily.
“Jack,” I demand. “What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to make a point,” Jack says. “This boy is a liability. He can’t fight. He can’t think. All he can do is get you killed.”