Tavish brightened immediately. “Oh, I see. Well that’s a very good idea.”
His father nodded. “I thought so too.”
“So Laird MacLean and his wife will be here with David and their two wee lassies?” asked Tavish.
“Aye, and I believe James, Andrew, and Cathleen will be with them as well. But Adara has gone to stay with Greer who is expecting her third child any day now.” Laird Ranald canted his head. “Now that I think on it, maybe he does have a betrothal on his mind.”
Another pained look crossed Tavish’s features making Cassie think again that perhaps Adara, who it appeared wouldn’t join her family for the visit, might be the girl who held Tavish’s heart.
Laird Ranald continued, “But since we will be having so many guests, yer mother will want our celebration to be even more festive than usual. It would be a terrible shame if Claire couldn’t join in the dancing.” He turned to Cassie and smiled broadly, “And I’m certain it will please Coll to see how happy she is here.”
Cassie returned the laird’s smile, with effort. In her attempt to fully embrace her time here, she had evidently given Laird and Lady Ranald the idea that she was going to consent to the betrothal.
She looked up at Tavish and realized that he looked every bit as uncomfortable as she felt.
She should have been happy. The opportunity to leave Castle Ranald before her time was up had just presented itself. Claire’s brother was coming here within the week. She could try to convince him to let her return to the abbey early. Or failing that, at least she might be able to go back with him to Lewis.
While she should have been pleased by having a clear path to follow, she wasn’t. And standing here in the middle of the great hall, with all eyes on her, was not the time to sort out why.
She gave everyone as bright a smile as she could manage. “Well, Tavish, given this news, I’m even more grateful to ye for the dance lessons this afternoon.” She took a step back and curtsied to him. “Ye’re an excellent teacher. Now if ye’ll excuse me, I have some things to take care of.”
To her great relief, no one stopped her as she hurried from the hall and up to her private chamber. Once inside, she closed the door and leaned against it. She felt a horrible pressure building in her chest. Tears welled in her eyes and she didn’t try to stop them. She crossed the room to her bed, buried her face in the pillows, and let the tears flow.
Why did this feel so awful? She had known from the start she’d be leaving. This was only ever meant to be a respite. Gertrude’s gift of a little time away from her sorrow. An opportunity to regroup and return to her life so she could move on.
And it had been that. These days had been a balm to her soul. She had experienced amazing things and discovered that it was possible to feel happiness—even joy—again. Tom had a solid place in her heart and always would, but she had also learned there was still plenty of room left for others.
Her sojourn here had been exactly what she needed. She’d found some peace and was prepared to face her life again. Still, being faced with the reality of having to leave now hurt dreadfully. Why was the idea of returning to her own time so painful?
Because Tavish is the reason you know there is room left in your heart. You’ve already let him in.
The hard truth was, she could imagine staying here—putting the twenty-first century behind her forever. She could see herself as his wife—except for one thing.
He had made it very clear that he was in love with someone else and he didn’t wish to marry her.
She took a deep breath and let that sink in.
She had promised him he didn’t have to worry about breaking her heart. She had assured him that she wasn’t seeking a husband—she just wanted a taste of life. Her own words came back to her now, I want to meet new people and try new things. I want to gallop across open heaths chasing the wind. I want a chance to run barefoot beside the sea again. I want to feel the sun on my face on a clear bright day and touch the sky. And even if it’s only once, I want to dance.
He had taken her at her word and had given her each of those things. He’d danced with her that very afternoon. She couldn’t expect more from him.
Still, he had to marry someone, she argued. Why shouldn’t it be her?
And the answer was crystal clear—because she needed to expect more for herself.
He had said every woman deserved to be adored and he was right. But he’d also said he couldn’t give her what she deserved. He loved someone else.
In the end it all came down to one thing. She knew what it meant to love and to be loved, and she wanted both. That was something Tavish couldn’t give her.
So, she would return to her own life in her own time. And for that to happen, she had to do whatever it took to get Coll to take her away from Castle Ranald before the sixtieth day.
Chapter 13
Tavish paced irritably in his chamber. He’d enjoyed the afternoon teaching Claire to dance more than he’d imagined. Even though he’d always thought of dancing as a very public activity, with Claire, somehow it was surprisingly intimate too. Holding her hand, her waist, looking into her eyes. Those eyes that make him forget everything—like how unfair it would be for him to marry her when he loved someone else.
Nay, as he danced with her all he could think about was how beautiful she was…and how very much he desired her.
Now he forced himself to remember that she could only ever have part of him. His friendship.
When his father had mentioned that both Laird Morrison and Laird MacLean were coming here for Michaelmas and intended to discuss an alliance, a buzzing had filled Tavish’s brain.
All he could think about was the many possible suitors for her that he’d considered, and how Laird MacLean’s two younger half-brothers, James and Andrew had been strong contenders. He knew either of them would make an excellent husband for Claire. But when he was actually faced with the idea of her marrying one of them, it made him angry.
Extremely angry.
He didn’t want to see his Claire in the arms of any other man—no matter how well suited they might be together.
His Claire? When had he begun to think of her as his?
Tavish could scarcely believe his ears when his father had said a marriage alliance wasn’t a bad idea. Of course it was a bad idea. Neither James nor Andrew should marry Claire.
His panic had lifted when his father said, “Coll needs a wife.” Thank God he was talking about a betrothal between Claire’s brother and Cathleen MacLean.
But why? Why was he thankful that no other men were being considered as possible husbands for Claire? After all, he firmly believed she didn’t belong in the abbey. He had worked for weeks to convince her of that.
But the reality was, if she didn’t go back to the abbey, and Tavish himself couldn’t marry her, her brother would certainly seek a betrothal for her elsewhere. He would find some other man who would delight in how her eyes sparkled when she laughed, or in the feel of her small, warm hand in his. Some other man would taste her lips, touch her, pleasure her…join with her.
And those thoughts gutted him.
He wanted all of those things. He wanted her in his arms, his bed, his life. He wanted her to have his children and care for his people.
In that moment, he realized he loved her.
The thing he thought impossible had happened. He was filled with a love he’d been certain he’d never feel again. If he were completely truthful with himself, he hadn’t intended to love anyone like this again. He hadn’t wanted to take the risk of losing the heart of his heart because that pain was nearly intolerable.
All of a sudden, his chamber felt claustrophobic.
He had to get out.
He had to think, and he couldn’t do it here.
He stormed out of his room, down the stairs and was on his way out of the keep when he heard is father call his name. He wanted to keep going, pretend as if he hadn’t heard. But he didn’t. He turned around. “Aye, Da
?”
“Where are ye going? It’s nearly time for the evening meal.”
“I know, Da. The rain has stopped and I need some air. I need to think” If there was a God, his father wouldn’t ask for an explanation.
Maybe it was the expression on Tavish’s face, or the tension in his voice. It might have even been the intervention of the Almighty whose existence he’d just questioned. But in spite of the fact that his father wore a scowl, he waved Tavish on.
“Go then. I’ll make an excuse to yer mother and Claire.”
“Thank ye, Da.”
He headed straight to the stable and saddled Raven.
As Tavish rode through the main gates, Ham, the guardsman in charge, stopped him.
“Where are ye going, sir?”
“I’m just giving Raven a bit of exercise.”
“If ye’ll wait a moment, I’ll send someone with ye.”
“It isn’t necessary, Ham. I’m not going far and I won’t be gone long.”
“But, sir—”
“Nay, Ham. My father knows my plans. I don’t need a guardsman.”
He didn’t wait for a response, but rode through the gate and turned westward.
The sun hung low on the horizon. The heavy clouds that had shrouded the land all day were thinning and breaking up, the setting sun painting them shades of orange and red.
After leaving the village, he turned southward towards the inlet. He wished he could ride all the way to the seaside, but that would be foolhardy. He’d have to settle for the rocky shore that was easily reached.
Once there, he dismounted and walked along the water’s edge, leading Raven. His thoughts were as jumbled as his emotions. When he reached an outcropping of rock, he secured Raven, then climbed up to a broad, flat boulder to be alone with his thoughts. He had come here before through the years for this very purpose.
He stared out over the inlet. As the sun dipped even lower, the colors in the sky had turned to shades of pink and purple. The breathtaking hues reflected in the rippling water.
He just sat there soaking in the beauty of the scene for several long minutes. Finally, he spoke aloud. “Ye’d like it here…but I guess I’ve told ye that before.”
He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, trying to calm the storm roiling within him.
“I love ye, ye know that.”
A tear slipped down his cheek. “And I miss ye. I’ve held ye in my heart for so long, I didn’t think it was possible to love anyone else. But, my darling girl, I…” his voice trailed off.
He swallowed hard. “I wish ye could meet Claire. Ye’d love her too. Like ye, she’s filled with joy and it bubbles out, even over the smallest things.”
He sat in silence for a while, allowing the stillness of the surroundings to suffuse him with calm.
“I know I can’t have ye, no matter how hard I cling to my memories. Pushing others away will never change that. I realize now if I keep this wall around my heart, it will sentence me to living the rest of my life alone, with only the sorrow of yer loss locked inside it. As sure as I’m sitting here, I’m certain ye wouldn’t want that for me. Just as I don’t want it for ye either.”
Sighing, he stood and looked to the heavens. The first stars were appearing in the deepening purple sky. “So, my darling girl, I love ye, and I always will. I’ll miss ye forever but I’m going to open my heart and let ye go now. I won’t be back. I’ll just say good night, my beloved, and I hope ye find the love and joy ye deserve.” He blew a kiss to the stars knowing the Highland wind would eventually carry it to her, wherever she was.
Then he climbed down from the rocks, mounted Raven, and rode home.
His future waited.
Chapter 14
Although the previous evening Cassie had cried for the first time in weeks, it had forced her to face the reality of her situation. She had no choice but to take a long hard look at why she was here and what she needed to do. She had to begin to sever the bonds that she had, perhaps unwittingly, begun to form. Her respite was coming to an end and she didn’t want to leave loss and sadness in her wake.
She knew she couldn’t keep everything as it was now, and then when Coll arrived, simply announce that she wished to return to the abbey. She must make certain it wouldn’t come as an unwelcome shock to the Ranalds. She had to begin behaving like a woman who intended to spend the rest of her days in a contemplative religious order.
With this new resolve, she went downstairs for the morning meal.
It appeared Tavish had been waiting for her. He crossed the hall and taking her hands in his, he kissed her cheek. “Good morning, Claire. Will ye break yer fast with me?”
Her heart leapt. It wasn’t unusual for him to wait for her so they could dine together. But he had never greeted her with a kiss. No, Cassie. Don’t do this. She had to remind herself of her promise to him. He was only playing a role. Now she had to do the same.
“Good morning, Tavish. Aye, I’ll break my fast with ye.”
She found that meal surprisingly difficult. Mentally, she had begun building the emotional walls she needed from the moment her path forward had become clear. And apparently that had already become obvious to the Ranalds.
“Claire, dear, there’s something different about ye this morn,” observed Lady Ranald. “Are ye feeling well?”
“Aye, my lady, I’m very well, thank ye.”
Tavish’s brow furrowed. “Ye’re sure? Ye do seem much quieter than usual.”
She managed a wan smile. “I’m certain.”
He seemed to accept that. “That’s good. Because I was hoping ye’d join me this morning. Da has asked me to ride to some of the outlying villages to ensure the harvest is going well. It will take most of the day, but I thought ye might enjoy meeting more of the clan.”
She would love to spend the day riding with him and visiting some of the other villages. But the time had come to draw the line in the sand. “I’m sure I would quite enjoy that, but I must decline.”
He frowned. “If ye’d enjoy it, I’m not sure why ye’d refuse me.”
Here goes nothing. “Last night, as I said my evening prayers, I realized that I have spent almost no time in prayer since I’ve been here.”
“But that was the purpose of leaving the abbey for a while, wasn’t it?” asked Tavish.
She shook her head slowly. “Not exactly. I was meant to experience the secular life in order to better help me make a decision about my vocation. But I must also spend time in prayer to discern God’s will for me.”
A worried look briefly crossed Lady Ranald’s features. “I can understand that prayer is important, but with autumn upon us, fine days will be less frequent. After the dreadful weather we had yesterday ye should take advantage of the lovely day.”
Cassie had gone to Catholic schools long enough to know how to respond to this. “Aye, ’tis a brilliant day, my lady. But in seeking the will of God, sometimes it’s necessary to consciously put one’s own will aside.”
Laird Ranald joined the discussion. “But maybe God sent ye this fine day to enjoy.”
And she wanted to enjoy it so very much. But this was no longer about what she wanted. She had to think of them. “God gives us many gifts, but some are meant to be given back.”
Tavish’s brows drew together and he took one of her hands in his. “There’s nothing I can do to tempt ye?”
Holding my hand? Looking into my eyes longingly? Those things certainly tempt me. She had to remind herself it wasn’t real. “Nay, not today.”
Thankfully, they accepted her last refusal and didn’t push the issue more. So after breakfast Cassie returned to her chamber. Among Claire’s books was a breviary. Although she had looked through most of the other texts, she hadn’t opened the breviary since it had been unpacked. If she was going to appear as if she were spending the day in prayer and meditation, it might help to have something appropriate to read.
On her way out of the keep, she ran into Lady Ranald ag
ain. Cassie suspected she had been waiting there.
“Claire, I wanted to…well…are ye certain nothing is wrong? Nothing has happened to distress ye?”
“Nay, my lady, nothing.”
“It’s just that ye seem…sad.”
She was sad. There was no denying it. She hated having to do this, but Lady Ranald had given her another opening. “I am a bit sad, my lady. My time here has been wonderful, but I do miss my life at the abbey.”
“Of course ye do. I have no doubt that they became like family to ye. But, sweetling, I’m certain ye could come to think of us as family too. Ye mustn’t mistake a moment of homesickness for a call to the religious life.”
“Aye, my lady. That’s why I need to spend more time in prayer. So that I can truly understand what God means for me to do.”
Lady Ranald nodded, appearing a bit defeated. “Of course ye must examine yer heart.”
“Thank ye, my lady. If ye’ll excuse me now, I’ll seek the solitude of the chapel.”
“Aye, certainly. I’ll see ye at the midday meal.”
Cassie swallowed hard knowing what she was about to say would distress Lady Ranald more, but she had to do it. “My lady, it was my intention to augment my prayers with fasting.”
“Is that really necessary?”
“I feel that it is.” Although I’m not looking forward to it.
Lady Ranald nodded again, her disappointment causing Cassie’s heart to ache.
“I see. I trust ye’ll join us for the evening meal?”
“Aye, my lady.”
“Well then, I do hope ye find the answers ye seek.”
“Thank ye, my lady.” Cassie curtsied and left, her heart aching for the good woman.
When she reached the chapel she was almost in tears. She knelt, looking up at the crucifix hanging above the altar. “God, how can I do this? I thought the time here was a gift. A chance to heal. And it was. But at what cost? Will I return with as much pain as I left with?”
She covered her face with her hands and burst into tears for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. She didn’t fight them. She needed to just let them flow. She cried for Claire, a girl, who like Cassie understood the pain of being set aside by her family. She cried for the awful choice Claire had felt compelled to make. She cried for Lady Ranald who had suffered so many losses and had looked at Cassie with such hope. She cried for her own losses. Tom. Her family. And she cried for Tavish, a good man whose heart was bound to someone he couldn’t be with.
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