by Alan Bennett
Tim And Philip Larkin.
Fitz Sorry? I’m confused. Is that Stuart?
Tim No. Sorry. Me. I know because we did Larkin for A-level.
Fitz I was going to say. Because Stuart knows nothing, presumably? He’s just a rent boy.
Henry Rent boys sometimes find their way to the public library.
ASM Not much trade there.
Author The point is that Larkin and Frost, having supposedly revealed their true selves in poetry, were then shown to be somewhat different. Both were temporarily undone by biography.
Kay Thank you. On.
Donald (to Kay) Kay, we still haven’t settled where I stand when I’m talking to the audience.
Kay Stand anywhere, dear. Just do it.
Donald And I just go on?
Kay Yes. Be bold.
Donald Standing here? Or there?
Kay There. Wherever…
Donald I think here…
Kay On.
Carpenter There’s another opera, I gather. With Britten. Death in Venice.
Auden Aschenbach, the writer in Death in Venice, is me, of course. A prisoner of respectability.
Carpenter (looking round at the flat) Really?
Auden Respectability is not a matter of soiled clothing or the occasional unwashed cup. I mean that I am no longer employable. I am venerated, monumental, shackled by my reputation. And I need to work or who am I?
Carpenter Which do you think is your best poem?
Auden Another foolish question.
The thing I’m proudest of having written is The Old Man and the Sea, an epilogue to Shakespeare’s Tempest.
ASM I think that’s The Sea and the Mirror. You said Old Man and the Sea. Old Man and the Sea is by Hemingway. They had it at the Tricycle once.
Kay (to Fitz) Sorry, darling.
Fitz Not that anybody’s going to know, anyway.
Kay On!
Carpenter The Sea and the Mirror is a poem I can’t understand.
Auden It began with me thinking that the end of The Tempest really won’t do. The injured are made whole, the guilty repent and it’s all very neat, but I just felt there was more to be said.
Carpenter What though?
Auden Read the poem.
Carpenter I have.
Auden You should go. I’m thinking of the time.
Carpenter I know.
‘Without a watch
he would never know when
to feel hungry or horny.’
Author Hang on, hang on.
Kay Darling?
Author We seem to have missed something out. What’s happened to all the discussion of the poem?
Fitz (aside) Shit.
Kay What Stephen felt, darling, was that since Carpenter himself admits he doesn’t understand the poem the audience wouldn’t either.
Author You mean it’s cut?
Kay For the moment, darling.
Author So why wasn’t I told?
Kay He was going to tell you, darling, but he had to go to Leeds. You were in Newcastle and now he’s in Leeds. We can have a little look at it tomorrow.
Author No we can’t. I’m in Cardiff.
If you cut the poem, what happens at the end when Stuart, who is Caliban, comes into his own and addresses the audience?
Kay Oh, we’re doing that, darling.
Author What is this play called?
Kay Caliban’s Day, darling.
Author Exactly, which is prefigured in the poem and you’ve cut the poem.
Kay We had a little talk about it…
Author Oh, a little talk? How did it go, this little talk? One of those ‘how do we take the curse off this bit’ little talks? One of the ‘the author is his own worst enemy’ talks? Directing a matter of rescuing the author from the consequences of his folly. Plays, they don’t so much go into production as into intensive care. You none of you understand how it works. Yes, it’s about Auden, and yes it’s about Britten. But it’s also about the boy.
Donald And it’s also about me.
Author It’s like chimpanzees meddling with a watch.
Fitz Charming.
Author Can I reach him in Leeds?
Kay His phone’s off. I’ve tried.
Author Very convenient.
Fitz (aside) Kay, I would like to get on. I’ve got a voice-over at six.
Henry What for?
Fitz Tesco. First of eight, apparently.
Henry Lucky you.
All this aside, but sensed by the unhappy Author.
ASM (prompting) ‘You should go…’
Auden You should go. I’m thinking of the time.
Carpenter (teasingly) I know.
‘Without a watch
he would never know when
to feel hungry or horny.’
Auden (interrupting) Do you mind not doing that? You should not quote a poet’s words back at him. It is a betrayal of trust. A poem is a confidence. Besides which many of my poems embarrass me. They don’t seem – Dr Leavis’s word – authentic.
People tell me off for censoring my poems, rewriting them, or cutting some well-loved lines. I tell them it’s because I can no longer endorse those particular sentiments, but it’s also because I’m fed up with hearing them quoted. (Ironically) ‘We must love one another or die.’ (Shudders.)
In the end art is small beer. The really serious things in life are earning one’s living and loving one’s neighbour.
He farts.
Fitz That’s Auden farting, not me.
Auden What did you say your name was?
Carpenter Carpenter.
Auden Another son of a bishop: Field Marshal Montgomery.
Stuart should have shown earlier signs of impatience, getting up, say, when he thinks Carpenter is leaving.
Stuart Look, mate. I know these university gentlemen. This one’s too polite to say, but he shows all the signs of not wanting you here. A more sensitive man would long since have gone for a curry.
Carpenter You don’t even know who he is.
Stuart I know this much. He’s a client. And I’ve got a schedule same as you. I’d go.
Carpenter I’ve gone.
Britten at piano with Boy, who sings “The Ash Grove.”
Britten (over music) Quite a sprightly start, not too heavy. Lots of words, please, think what they mean. Lovely!
Music ends.
Carpenter Ordering up a youth in those pre-mobile days was not as easy as it is now when the talent can be pictured and indeed sized up on the screen. Then, though, there were no trailers or forthcoming attractions, the thrill of not knowing what you were going to find on your doorstep undiminished by an electronic preview.
But not for Auden. For Auden the thrill was largely over. For him time was what mattered; the best thing about rent boys that they came by appointment. Sex on the dot.
Carpenter should not leave the stage.
Stuart So you don’t want the massage?
Auden No.
Stuart And you don’t want relief?
Auden No.
Stuart And, have I got this right, you suck my dick? I don’t have to suck yours?
Auden That is correct.
Stuart Because it’s usually the other way round.
Auden True. But with me the other has always been the preferred option. Weaned too soon, I suspect. Or the tongue speaks the body. (As Fitz, to Author.) What does that mean, author?
Author It’s a quotation.
Fitz All I need to know.
Stuart How do you want to do it?
Auden How do you usually do it?
Stuart I don’t. I’m normally doing the sucking, in which case I kneel. Can you kneel?
Auden It’s maybe not a good idea. This is England all over. Hasn’t even mastered fellatio.
Stuart Are you sure this is what you want to do? I’d be happy with a straight hand-job.
Auden I wouldn’t…and I am the client and I’m getting nervous about the time.
> Stuart I’m in no rush. Would you like me to take my clothes off?
Auden What on earth for?
Stuart I thought you might like it.
Auden Not particularly, and besides it takes time.
Stuart We’re not catching a train.
Auden Get up on the chair. Come on.
Stuart For fuck’s sake.
He gets up on the chair, lowers his trousers and mimes lowering his pants. The clock strikes six.
Auden Too late.
Stuart Too late for what?
Auden It’s six o’clock.
Stuart So what are you going to do? Turn into a pumpkin? Why does it have to be six o’clock?
Auden It doesn’t have to be six o’clock. It has to be before six o’clock. It’s always been six o’clock. It was six o’clock in New York.
Stuart So? That makes it one o’clock here. Does your dick not know the time difference? I was just beginning to feel like it.
Auden I’ll pay. Don’t get exercised over that.
Stuart I was just beginning to feel like it. You don’t have such a thing as a tissue?
Auden shakes his head.
I somehow didn’t think you would.
Author (puts up hand) Hello!
Fitz Our author has his hand up.
Author I hadn’t thought of it getting so far.
Kay The director would like it to go even further.
Author It’s at the end we need to see him.
Kay It will only be his bum, darling.
Tim And I don’t mind.
Author The play is not about cocksucking.
Fitz In this instance I tend to agree. And speaking for myself the last thing I want is a nightly vision of Timothy’s listless but I’m sure not uncomely genitalia.
Tim I could alter that. The listless part.
Fitz Child. It is too late and you are the wrong gender.
Kay We’ll have a little look at it tomorrow. On we go.
Stuart Do you want me to call again?
Auden Provided we do it on time.
Stuart I was on time. I’m building up a bit of a clientele in the university. North Oxford particularly. You get a better class of person than you do in the bus station.
Auden (paying him) I can imagine.
Stuart I shouldn’t be taking this. I’ve done nothing. Only I haven’t got anything else to offer. I could tidy up.
This plainly would not be welcome.
Auden If you want to earn your money…tell me something I don’t know.
Stuart Come again.
Auden Everybody has some expertise. What have you learned? What has life taught you?
Stuart Nothing much. I’m young. So far, the only thing I know about – I’m not sure how to put this – the only thing I know about are dicks.
Auden So tell me about that.
Stuart You want me to talk dirty?
Auden No. Certainly not.
Stuart Because I can do that. I go to a vicar in North Oxford. I do that for him.
Auden Anglican, I hope? Church of England?
Stuart Actually I think he’s Welsh.
Auden Tell me about your clients.
Stuart I can’t do that.
Auden Why?
Stuart I’m a professional. Anyway, what is there to tell?
Auden Are many of them uncircumcised?
Stuart You can’t always make out. More uncircumcised in the bus station than in North Oxford.
Auden I was circumcised at the age of seven, which is rather late. Boys who hadn’t been circumcised shocked and fascinated me. I was allowed to go to the pictures with the grocer’s son. He hadn’t been. The genitals are fascinating, too, because they’re shape-shifting. Subject to desire obviously, but to fear and cold and…Yes?
ASM (prompting) ‘The innate propensity…’
Auden The innate propensity of all flesh to creep.
Stuart Yes.
Auden The penis has a personal character every bit as much as its owner and very often the two are quite different. Have you found that?
Stuart A bit. I’ve got this old guy. I think he’s a professor, small, really ordinary. You’d never suspect what he’s got down his trousers. It’s amazing.
Auden Men are incongruously…Yes?
ASM (prompting) ‘Men are incongruously equipped…’
Auden Men are incongruously equipped…Yes?
ASM (prompting) ‘…in their very essence…’
Auden Men are incongruously equipped in their very essence…
Fitz I cannot learn this fucking stuff. I cannot do it.
Awkward pause.
Author Mr Fitzpatrick. Is it me? Do I make you nervous?
Fitz No, but you are in my eyeline.
Author I’m sorry. I will remove myself.
He moves and sits down again.
Fitz Oh, I thought you meant you were going.
Author No fear.
Fitz This stuff about circumcision: this is you, I take it?
Author No. Him. It’s in his notebooks. Why?
Fitz I just feel it diminishes him.
Author ‘The facts of a life are the truth of a life.’
Fitz It’s like the peeing in the basin. We keep focusing on his frailties, putting a frame around them. It’s – as he says himself – impudent. It’s impertinent.
Author The words are his, not mine.
Fitz There’s no nobility to him. No…grandeur.
Author He’s human. He’s old.
Fitz And he talks about dicks. Where – this is what the audience will be thinking – where is the poetry?
Kay Shall we take five?
Donald You see this is where I think my speech about biography that Stephen cut would come in. ‘I want to hear about the shortcomings of great men…’
Kay Tomorrow.
She talks aside to Fitz.
Is what’s bothering you that they won’t like you?
Fitz No. Though they won’t. I hadn’t realised how unsympathetic he is. How…coarse. You see, this is why I think he should be reading all the time to give him more…credence.
Kay No, darling. The reason why you think he should be reading all the time is so that you can keep a crib in the book.
Fitz No.
Kay You did it in Hedda Gabler.
Fitz Did I?
Kay You did it in Vanya. If he hadn’t been blind you’d have done it in Oedipus.
Fitz You don’t know what it’s like.
Kay I know it’s always like this…until you learn it.
Fitz He doesn’t help, sitting there. ‘Mr Fitzpatrick.’ They don’t realise, playwrights, that you’ve got to come to it, find a way through. I’ll spend a penny. I may be some time.
Kay hugs him. Fitz goes out.
Tim Why doesn’t he just…well…learn it?
Kay It gets harder as you get older. There’s more in your head already.
Kay is now with the Author.
He was much better yesterday. You make him nervous.
Author He doesn’t know it.
Kay But he’s getting there. We haven’t had a run before.
Author A run? You call this a run? My eighty-year-old grandmother with two plastic hips and crippled with arthritis could do a better run than this. Besides –
Kay Besides what, darling?
Author He just doesn’t look like Auden.
Kay Well, I agree he’s a bit on the big side, but this is theatre, darling. It’s not about appearance. Stephen wants to get away from facile resemblance in favour of the reality beneath. Henry doesn’t look like Britten. He’s tall, but that’s as far as it goes. And Humphrey Carpenter was quite good-looking.
A remark which Donald overhears, though he’s not meant to, and is unsurprisingly depressed. Kay now takes it out on the ASM.
You don’t ever do what you did.
ASM What did I do?
Kay Correct the actor. Give him the line, yes – The Sea and the Mirror or whateve
r – but don’t make him look a fool.
ASM Sorry.
Kay You wouldn’t do it to a child, and that’s what actors are, children. You keep them happy.
Author Nobody wants to keep me happy.
Kay You don’t have to face the audience. You don’t have to go over the top like they do. (Suddenly turning on Tim.) Are you wearing makeup?
Tim Not so’s you’d notice.
Kay But why, darling?
Tim I’m too old.
Kay Darling, you’re twenty-five.
Tim I’m twenty-nine. I’m supposed to be a rent boy. I’m not a boy at all.
Kay It’s only a phrase. You’re a…you’re a rent person. It’s theatre, love, the magic of. Look at Edith Evans. She thought she was young so she was.
Tim She wasn’t playing a rent boy.
Fitz comes back.
Kay Now, where had we got to?
Fitz Oh. I’m still on about dicks, surprise, surprise. I just feel he goes on, that’s all.
Author He did go on. That was what he was like. He went on. And on. If you can show me a way of him going on without him actually going on I’d be very grateful.
Kay Thank you. Tim!
Stuart I didn’t know dicks were the kind of thing you could have a conversation about. I didn’t know it was something I had to offer. In a civilised way, I mean, not as a come-on.
Auden Why not? It’s human. Nothing more so. I wrote a poem about it once.
Stuart Yeah? Say it.
Auden No. It was bad.
Carpenter (popping up) This was ‘The Platonic Blow’.
Fitz Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Donald What?
Fitz I didn’t know you were going to be there, that’s all.
Donald I’ve got to be somewhere.
Fitz Do I know he’s there?
Author No. He isn’t there.
Donald So where am I? Am I in the mind?
Author It’s not important.
Donald It is to me. I need to know. Listen. Let’s decide this. I feel so spare. Can we go back to the start?
Fitz Oh, please God.
Donald I am discovered interviewing Auden after his return to Oxford in 1972. The interview is cut short by the arrival of a rent boy for whom Auden has briefly mistaken me. At which point my part in the story being over, the audience will expect me to leave the stage, but I don’t because…