by V. Moody
She burst into tears. Not because she was a girly girl being a girl, but because she had reached her limit and was about to have a breakdown.
“Hey, dude,” said Marc, “don’t shoot the messenger.”
“Fine, fine,” said Gideon. “It’s cool, everything’s cool. What we’ll do is, we’ll all go together. That way we have a better chance of getting the job done. Am I right, or am I right?”
He slicked back the hair again and adjusted his handlebar ‘tash.
“You’re a lot of things,” I said, “but right is not one of them. What I have here is a finely balanced team that doesn’t want your help.”
I stepped aside so they could get a good look at the rest of my party.
“Flossie defeated a troll in unarmed combat. Dudley pinned down a squad of lizardmen on his own with just his bow. Maurice may look like a speccy twit, but he wears a mask. A mask that enables him to adopt the darkness, to make darkness his ally. And Claire… Claire likes daggers. You don’t want to know what she likes to do with them. Trust me.”
I could feel both Dudley and Maurice backing me up on that one.
“What about me?” said Jenny, wanting her seat on the bullshit train.
“And then there’s Jenny, who may look sweet and innocent, but who will beat the crap out of a boy until he is crying for his mother. You lot can’t do what we can do. So why don’t you stay here and mind the store while we take care of the big stuff?”
Everything I had said was meaningless rubbish...
“It’s all... it’s all true,” said Stella, her voice weak and sounding ever more confused.
...but technically I wasn’t lying.
“You really think you can get past that—” he pointed across the bridge at the hulking shape in the distance “—with this lot.”
“Yes,” I said. “Can we go now, or what?”
“Please,” said Gideon. “I look forward to seeing your team of specials in action. I’m sure it will be very educational for us.”
“I’m sure it will,” I responded with equal sarcasm. “Feel free to take notes.”
“Right, let’s go,” and I quickly corralled everyone towards the bridge.
The trolls took the lead and seemed only too happy to be getting away from the Gidiots and their magic bullets. They practically ran across the bridge.
I slowly and steadily set off after the trolls. The rest of my party gingerly followed. Anger and indignation overcame the fear that would normally have left them incapacitated at the prospect of crossing such a vast gorge on such a flimsy structure.
To be honest, it was a well-made bridge. The slats fitted together without gaps, and the rope handrail provided plenty of support. There was a gusting wind, but it had little to catch against and the bridge only swayed slightly.
Hopefully, by the time we got past the giant and Gideon realised we weren’t going to leave the door open for them, it would be too late for them to do anything about it. Their arrows might be able to reach the other side, but I doubted they’d have much accuracy at that distance, even with all their newfangled contraptions.
This was assuming the trolls waited for us to catch up before speaking with Gargantua. They’d been so keen to get going they were already halfway across.
But then they stopped. I assumed for us to catch up, but when I got closer I could see they were having some kind of argument, which was unlike them. Keezy usually made the decisions without discussion.
The rest of my party weren’t that far behind me. They had serious faces and tight grips, and were holding it together—for the time being anyway. What we didn’t want to do was stop in the middle and let the reality of the situation sink in. I hadn’t looked down, but I knew it was a long way.
“Are you going to have a word with Gargantua?” I asked the squabbling foursome.
Now that we were closer it was easier to make out what the giant looked like. He was about the height of a two storey building, and that’s when he was sitting. His face was hairless and he was bald. His features were very small, a nub for a nose, tiny eyes close together, no eyebrows. And he was naked.
He was sitting at the end of the bridge with his chin on his chest. He appeared to be asleep.
“There is a problem,” said Keezy.
“Yes?”
“He won’t recognise us in this form.”
I looked over my shoulder. Gideon and the others were watching from the fort entrance. “So change back.”
“If we do that, your friends will know we aren’t human. They can easily hit us from this distance.”
“And you’re scared of their arrows?”
Keezy didn’t respond.
“If you’re quick about it, they might not be able to—”
“No,” said Keezy. They really didn’t want to take a chance getting hit by an arrow.
“What if we sneak past while he’s sleeping?” They all looked at me like I was an idiot. I don’t know why, sounded like a reasonable plan to me.
“I think he might recognise my voice,” said one of the trolls. “I have known him longest, we used to play together as children.”
I was curious to know the kinds of games they played, but now didn’t seem like the right time to ask.
“If you are willing,” said Keezy.
The others had bunched up behind me. “Well, sooner rather than later,” I suggested.
The troll turned around and strode towards Gargantua.
He got to within a few metres of the end of the bridge and called out. I couldn’t her what he said with the blustery wind whipping around us, but it was enough to wake the giant with a start. He saw the little soldier in front of him and swatted him with the back of his hand.
The giant moved surprisingly fast. The troll had no time to react as he was struck by the giant and sent sailing off the bridge, falling into the canyon below.
Watching him go down was a mistake, both because of the horribleness of seeing someone plunge to their death, and because it was now abundantly clear to all of us just how high up we were. When they tell you not to look down, they know what they’re talking about.
There was a general whitening of knuckles.
“Is he dead?” asked Flossie.
“No,” said Keezy. “A little fall like that won’t kill him.” He sounded like he was considering jumping after him. Anything to avoid those arrows.
The bridge shook as Garagantua got to his feet. He was now aware of us. And I was aware of him, and in particular his penis which was hanging from his hairless groin.
It wasn’t particularly big. I mean, it was enormous, but it was in proportion to his size. I couldn’t see him using it to slap us around with. And if Biadet’s note meant it was his weak point, we’d have to hit it with a lot of arrows.
“How does Gargantua keep people off the bridge?” I asked Keezy.
“He pisses them off.”
It took me a second to realise he meant it literally. Gargantua grabbed his hose of a cock and aimed it at us.
“Everyone hold on tight,” I shouted. “Lady, we going for a ride.”
Having recently heard Maurice’s highly accurate telling of both Indiana Jones movies (there were only two, although I didn’t mind the third one too much; the fourth one was indisputably dogshit) we all knew what to do.
Everyone grabbed onto whatever part of the bridge they could and wrapped their arms and legs around the ropes.
A short stream of urine slammed into the bridge and splashed over us, and then stopped. We gasped and retched and looked around, each of us comforted by the fact we weren’t the only ones drenched in piss. And then it came full force. A deluge. A tsunami. It gushed in a thunderous rush like Niagara Falls, only more yellow.
The power of it was immense. I could feel my grip slipping as I held on for dear life. It was like being punched everywhere on your body at once. It didn’t taste good either.
Not that I had my mouth open, but still it somehow found a way in.
It lasted for at least a couple of minutes; it’s hard to know exactly how long because time passes differently when you’re being pissed on from a great height.
Eventually it stopped, I opened my eyes. Everyone was still on the bridge, although no one looked happy about it.
The giant stood holding his dripping penis with one hand, and drinking from a large sack with the other. He was preparing for round two.
“You have to show him you aren’t human,” I shouted at Keezy.
Keezy looked back towards Gideon like he was afraid they might have heard me. “No.”
It was alright for the trolls, the fall wouldn’t kill them.
Flossie, who still had her eyes closed, opened them and looked around. “Ah don’t feel too good?” She let go of the rope, took a step forward, slipped and landed on her backside with a thump. She put a hand out to steady herself, but there was nothing there and she tipped over sideways and fell off the bridge.
6. Washed Up
Flossie’s scream went from operatic swansong to abrupt silence. One of the trolls had leaned over the side and grabbed her. Only, she had already fallen too far to be caught by normal hands. The troll’s arm was stretched like chewing gum pulled out of someone’s mouth to its breaking point.
Unlike Mr Fantastic, whose limbs could snake about and do all sorts of useful things, the troll’s arm hung limp and Flossie swung to and fro under the bridge.
Below her—far, far below her—a river snaked through the middle of the canyon. It didn’t look very big, maybe a stream. If she fell, it probably wouldn’t save her.
I was lying on the boards holding on as tight as I could as I peered over the edge, but the vertical view made me feel quite nauseous. I rolled onto my back, panting for breath.
Everyone had immediately stuck their heads over the side, making the bridge tip over precariously and I felt we could all easily slide off. They were calling out to Flossie, telling her everything was going to be okay and other lies.
I sat up, clinging on to the guardrail on the other side. “Everyone stop leaning over.”
They all raised their heads and looked at each other, and then, like they’d just remembered we weren’t out here alone, at the giant. He had his head tilted right back, the last drops of liquid falling out of the sack into his open mouth. Old Faithful was about to blow any second.
Dudley scurried over the boards on all fours and wrapped himself around the trolls legs. “Pull her up,” he pleaded.
From the strain on his face, it was clear the troll wasn’t used to having his extremities elongated in this fashion. He grunted, barely able to hold on, never mind reel her back in.
Flossie started squealing and waving her arms and legs about, which only made the troll grimace more.
“Stay still and keep calm,” I shouted down. “I’ve got a plan.”
I didn’t have a plan, but it seemed the best way to stop her panicking.
If the troll had lost control over the muscles in his arm now that they were all slack and droopy, we’d have to pull her up ourselves and hope he could keep hold of her while we did it.
“Go stop the giant,” I shouted at Keezy. But Keezy didn’t move. His eyes were on the other side where the Gidiots were watching all this unfold. I couldn’t tell what they were making of it, but it must have seemed strange for a soldier to suddenly go all Stretch Armstrong in front of them.
The giant dropped the sack, his bladder presumably reloaded, and aimed his three-foot pecker in our direction.
“All of you lean the other way, and hold on.”
As they all went in one direction, I went in the other, stepping over Dudley and grabbing hold of the troll’s sleeve. His arm was too thick to get my hands around and what little purchase I could get kept slipping out of my grasp. As I fumbled around trying to find some part of his arm that would provide a decent hold, we were hit by Gargantua’s refuelled penis attack.
The blast knocked me off my feet and sent me skidding along the bridge. I barely managed to grab onto one of the cables forming the guardrail before I was swept off the side. I hung on with my feet dangling in the air.
The liquid barrage continued unabated for the next couple of minutes. The troll’s face scrunched up with the effort of holding on. And then it crumbled. His human features lost their shape and definition and his whole body swelled up.
Once he had transformed back to troll, his strength seemed to return. With a heave he yanked Flossie up and onto the bridge where she landed with a splat.
The stream of urine dribbled and spluttered to an end, but then the giant raised the tip preparing for another go round. This time he seemed to be taking more careful aim.
I desperately tried to pull myself up but I didn’t have the strength in my arms to just clamber back onto the bridge, and I couldn’t get my foot high enough to do it that way. A hand grabbed the back of my jacket and I was jerked up and onto the bridge, landing on my feet.
Keezy, my rescuer, wasn’t looking at me. I followed his gaze to the Gidiots, who were drawing bows and nocking arrows. They must have realised the soldier with the unfeasibly long arm and sudden rocky countenance wasn’t human. Which probably meant the rest of us weren’t human either.
“Run!” I shouted. With arrows pointed at our backs and a giant cock aimed at our faces, we didn’t have the best options to choose from, but since the trolls no longer needed to disguise themselves, I figured our best hope was to get to the giant before he discharged his next jet of piss.
As we all ran, the trolls transformed into their original form and shouted out Gargantua’s name. It was enough to make him pause and squint, leaning down to see who was calling him.
“Keezy?” bellowed the giant. “Is that you?”
“Yes, you lumbering oaf,” shouted Keezy, his voice filled with panic.
“Sorry about that,” boomed the giant. “Didn’t recognise you.”
Arrows began to fly. They came two at a time and whistled over us, but once they found their range we wouldn’t be hard to pick off.
A sudden sense of danger overwhelmed me. I turned and held up the shield I had taken from the armoury. It wasn’t very big, a buckler attached to my arm, but the arrow about to impale me slammed into it, the copper tip punching through the wood and slicing open the sleeve of my jacket.
I stumbled backwards, using the shield to block the arrows which were now aimed far more accurately and, not to sound paranoid, specifically at me. The buckler did not provide the greatest defence. Two of the tips drew blood as they broke through the splintered wood and ate into my flesh. The force of each arrow rocked me on my heels, making it hard to keep my footing. I couldn’t see the arrows and where I was going at the same time and one wrong step would easily trip me up.
Hands gripped me by my belt and guided me backwards. I felt the ground under me change from wooden planks to solid earth.
The arrows were no longer finding me so easily, and I turned, casting the pin-cushioned shield aside. Jenny, soaked in piss and hair plastered to her face, stood behind me, breathing heavily and looking about ready to collapse. The others were running for their lives, headed for the gap between two feet the size of SUVs. Arrows continued to fall.
If we could get behind the giant’s feet we would at least have some protection.
The others had had the same thought and were already there and diving for cover. I grabbed Jenny’s hand and ran, dragging her along with me as I scrambled after them. I managed to get behind the giant’s left heel and sank to the ground. Jenny fell on top of me.
All of us had made it. With the giant between us and them, they stopped firing, but we weren’t safe yet.
Ahead of was an open field, beyond which there were trees. If we could get to them, we would be safe, but we’d be exposed for at least a few seconds. The further we got, the less likely we were to get hit, unless they got very lucky. Or we got very unlucky.
I didn’t fancy leaving it to fate, since fate mad
e a point of never doing me any favours.
“Keezy!” He was crouched behind the giant’s other heel. “Can you get Gargantua to back away towards the trees?”
He nodded and shouted the request up to the giant. Slowly, the feet rose and moved backwards.
We all scurried away to avoid getting trampled, but with the giant shielding us we were able to get to the trees without exposing ourselves. We threw ourselves behind tree trunks, which felt small and dinky compared to the giant.
Arrows still fell around us, although they were being shot higher to reach further which cost them a lot of their accuracy. The trees were spread quite thin though, and we could still get hit.