by Cole Bates
“Why what?”
Still, with that sexy smile on his face that made me want to forget everything else and suck that bottom lip in between my teeth, he said, “Why are you late?”
I shrugged. I knew exactly why I was late. I was looking for the cinnamon this morning to put in my oatmeal and when I started moving things around in the cabinet I found a can of protein powder, two packets of beast mode and Creatine tablets. The facial hair, deodorant, and shampoo were concerning but the idea that Alex was actually trying to bulk up really took my worry to the next level and that’s when it all really hit me. He was changing, but why and for who? I’d seen something last night that worried me but I had shaken it off, or I thought I had at least until I put it all together this morning. I decided to see what he had to say before I lay it out there so I said,
“I just wanted to see you. I’ve barely seen you for the past few weeks. I came home early last night. I was hoping we could spend the evening together. I tried to wait up, but you must have come in really late.”
He smiled again. God that smile almost makes me forget all of my suspicions. They might have even if the next thing out of his mouth hadn’t been a blatant lie. “I know. I miss you. We’ve just been going non-stop on the play and…” I stood up and nearly knocked over my chair. All of the other things were anomalies but Alex lying was just too much. I hadn’t thought he was even capable of it.
“Why are you lying?”
He threw his legs over the side of the bed…his hairy legs. I rubbed up against him while we were sleeping and the poky little bristles on his legs actually woke me up. “Why would you think that I’m lying?” He at least had the decency to look guilty and blush slightly.
“I went by the theatre last night. I was almost up to the door when I saw you getting in a car with that Harry guy you hang around with. I fell asleep before you got home but I know it was after ten. Are you fucking him, Alex?”
Alex looked like he was about to choke. “What? Are you kidding? Harry is my friend and trust me, I’m not his type.”
“What is his type?”
“Excuse me? What difference does that make? You just accused me of cheating on you.” I gave him a look that I hoped he read as, “After the whole Tom incident, are you kidding me?” He seemed to get it because he said, “He likes hot, masculine men like Mark Walberg…and Tom and you.”
Now it made sense and I hated it even more. Alex was trying to make himself look more masculine. His softer more feminine looks were what had prompted the torture he suffered throughout middle and high school, but he’d held firm to it even then. It was just who he was and even while I was still being a dick and a bully, I actually had respect for him for not giving in to societal pressure about what a real man should look like. Now, he was willing to change all that for this guy, Harry. It must be more than just a fling. It’s enough to make me want to put my fist through the fucking wall. Nobody but me is supposed to touch Alex…ever. “That explains a lot,” I said, too angry to talk anymore. I picked up my backpack and equipment bag and headed for the door.
“Ryan! Wait.” I stopped and turned back to look at Alex. He’d stood up and he was looking at me with a confused look in his blue eyes. Was he really confused? Did he really think I wouldn’t figure it out? Maybe he does think I’m as stupid as my father always has. “Harry and I are taking a kickboxing class together. That’s where we went last night. I was kind of embarrassed to admit that. I’m sorry I lied. But, I’m not cheating on you, I swear.”
“A kick-boxing class?” There was no way I could imagine that.
“Yeah, I wanted to get in better shape before the play started. I have a full scene without my shirt on and I don’t want to be all skinny and pasty.” I looked at him for a long time with everything he’d changed recently on my mind. It was more than just the play. He’d been in dozens of plays over the years and he’d never done a drastic transformation like this. He’s still lying.
“I have to go. I have a weight class.”
“Wait, are we going to talk about this? You believe me, right?”
“I don’t know what to think. When baseball season started I was living with Alex, baby-faced, smooth body, not smelling like Old Spice Alex. Now suddenly there’s this hairy man in my bed and I’m not sure who he is.” He was still talking as I turned and walked away. I didn’t hear what he was saying. In my head, there was only one reason for him to change everything about himself and that was because he was looking to impress someone. Obviously, since I was already impressed, it wasn’t me.
*********
“That’s it, man. Don’t give up! Keep pushing, you got this!” Tom stood over me, spotting me on the bench press. I’d put on quite a bit more weight today than usual. I was working out the feelings over what was going on with Alex…or at least I was trying to. Tom was helping without knowing it. He set a hell of a pace. My arms were killing me as I tried to keep in time with his rhythm. “Come on, keep pushing man!” He stepped a little closer to my head. All he was wearing was his basketball shorts and now all that was between what felt oddly like an erection and my head was a thin piece of fabric. I felt the bar slip and Tom reach down and grab it. “Whoa there, buddy. You okay?” I grunted out a yes and he steadied the bar back in my hands. Before letting go of it I felt his fingers lightly play over the top of mine. That wasn’t about helping me grip the bar. What the hell was he doing?
I tried to shake off Tom’s seemingly overt come-ons and kept pushing. Tremors were flowing through my biceps and shoulders by the time I pushed out the last rep. I growled as I pushed the bar up and let Tom grab it and guide it to the arms of the bench. Once I felt the bench take the weight I let go. “Damn! That was awesome Ryan you’re a beast!” Tom was beaming like I’d just hit a home run. I slowly pushed up to a sitting position and grabbed for my towel. As I was wiping the sweat off my brow and chest I suddenly felt someone doing the same on my back. I looked behind me and saw Tom rubbing my back down with a white towel. It felt good and bad at the same time. I stood up. “You did great,” he said again. Today’s routine was a little tougher than my usual. Tom had been trying to get me to use his routine and today I’d finally agreed. It was even rougher than it looked when I watched him do it. My arms were still shaking. I glanced back at Tom. He was still smiling at me and now obviously sporting an erection in those thin shorts. I looked down at my own chest to keep from looking at him. Was Alex right? Was Tom attracted to me? “You should let me run you through my routine every day. We’ll get those muscles even more sculpted. You’ll be so hot you might just catch on fire.” He winked at me. Alex was definitely right. He was openly flirting.
I could feel the burn of the last few reps in my chest and my white t-shirt was drenched with sweat. I needed a shower and I needed to get away from Tom and his…blatant erection. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. “Yeah, thanks. I should hit the shower.”
Tom walked over to the butterfly press and sat down. He had his legs spread wide open as he began pulling the arms of the machine toward his buff chest. The muscles in his chest rippled in waves as he contracted and then relaxed. He’s hot, there’s no denying that, but he really didn’t do anything for me. I let my eyes follow the colorful designs on his arms up toward his broad shoulders. His chest is perfect, his abs are made out of one of the tightest six packs I’ve ever seen and his legs were like iron. I never considered why guys like Tom didn’t do it for me until now, but I think it has something to do with the fact that they were just too much like me. Tom was bigger and better built than I was…but overall the fact that he was all hard lines and muscle reminded me of myself. I thought about Alex and his lean runner’s body…formerly smooth and hairless. He was different from me and those differences were what turned me on about him at first. Now, I love everything about him and I guess if he wants to sport a beard and develop muscles in his arms, I can live with that, as long as he’s not doing it all for another guy.
“Ryan?”
<
br /> “Yeah…sorry. I’m going to shower.” Tom winked at me again as he let out a long, deep breath and said,
“I’ll just stay here and work off that visual.” I walked away without saying anything. He’s my teammate and my friend. He knows about Ryan. I wanted to believe that he wasn’t coming on to me, that I was just reading him wrong, but honestly how many ways was there to take, “I’ll work off that visual.”? My head was pounding and I was shaking all over from either the muscle burn or the realization that maybe knowing he was right about Tom and that I was in denial was what had pushed Alex into being with another man.
CHAPTER SEVEN
ALEX
“Ryan thinks I’m having sex with you.”
Harry’s face registered surprise and then amusement. “Hmm.”
“Hmm? That’s all you’re going to say?”
“I’m sorry. I can’t deny that I haven’t thought of it.”
“Excuse me?” Was I that clueless? Harry and I have been hanging out for almost a year. How could I miss that he was interested in me?
He sighed. “You’re very attractive, Alex. I find you even more attractive with the facial hair and since you’ve bulked up a little. You’re also very smart and extremely talented. I’m in awe of you when you sing and when you act. On top of all of that, you have a good heart and you love deeply. Who in their right mind wouldn’t be attracted to all of that?”
I raised an eyebrow. I suddenly felt bad. I wasn’t attracted to Harry at all. Was that going to hurt his feelings? It didn’t matter. Harry knows how I feel about Ryan. We were getting ready for a dress rehearsal and Harry was fiddling with his tie. “Here, let me help you.” It was good for me to keep my hands busy but the way Harry was making direct eye-contact with me was making me nervous. He was waiting for me to respond to what he said but I had no idea what to say. Finally, after I had gotten his tie in a perfect bow I said, “You know I like you a lot, Harry…”
He smiled. “I wasn’t coming on to you. I was just saying that I’d thought of it. I know how committed you are to Ryan and I’d never even pretend to think I could come between the two of you. If you’d like I’ll talk to him and tell him how ridiculous his suspicions are.”
I smiled back at him. “Thank you, but Ryan and I need to work this out. First, it’s me and my jealousy and now him. We need to figure this out before it blows up to something we can’t fix.”
Harry took the ties to my cape out of my hands and started tying it for me as he asked, “So what does he think of your new look? Surely he’s noticed by now.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, he noticed. He made some reference to me being a hairy man and stormed out this morning after he accused us of having an affair. I’m not sure it was such a good idea now. He doesn’t seem impressed.” Harry let his fingers linger on my cape a little longer than he had to and his eyes stayed locked on mine right up to the point of becoming uncomfortable.
“I can’t imagine why not,” he said. He let go of me then and stepped back. Jesus, my transformation is turning the love of my life off and my new best friend on. This being in love stuff really sucks sometimes.
********
It was late when I got home. I was actually at practice the whole time tonight and it was an exhausting one. It was getting close to opening night so the heat was on. One good thing was that after my talk with Harry, I was way too busy to dwell on things. It did come back to haunt me for just a second when my drama coach insisted that I promise to shave and get a haircut before the show opened. I thought about Ryan’s reaction to me being a “hairy man” again and shuddered. I’ve been with him for over a year now. Why the hell don’t I know what it is he wants?
The apartment was dark when I walked in and I thought Ryan was in bed. I went straight into the kitchen and got a bottle of water and then made my way across the dark living room without turning on a light. I was almost to the hallway when the sound of his deep voice nearly made me jump out of my skin.
“Hey.”
“Shit!” My heart actually jumped in my chest. I turned around and saw his silhouette perched on the edge of the couch. I reached over and flipped on the light. “Hey. You scared me.” He smiled. God, he’s so perfect. My heart jumped again. This time with joy that I got to spend any time at all with this amazing man.
“Sorry.”
“Why are you sitting here in the dark?”
He shrugged. “Just thinking.”
I walked over and sat down on the couch about a foot away from him. I hated not knowing if he wanted me or not. “About what?”
“Us,” he said. “You, and Harry and me and Tom.”
“Ryan there’s nothing going on with me and Harry. I swear I would never do that to you…”
He nodded. “I know.” I went back to the theater tonight. I was waiting to talk to you when I heard you and Harry talking. Alex…why in God’s name would you think I wanted you to change?”
“Can I ask you a question before I answer that?”
“Okay.”
“Think about the very first guy you ever looked at and felt turned on…” I knew from my own experience that being gay wasn’t something Ryan decided the night he decided to let me give him a blowjob. He’d thought about it before, probably lots of times and probably since early adolescence. It just wasn’t something we ever talked about. It was never anything he was comfortable talking about.
“That was you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thank you, babe, for saying that. But seriously, I was the first one you felt safe enough to act out your fantasies with. It grew from there. But way back when you started going through puberty Ryan, who was it that you were attracted to?”
He looked like he was thinking about it and I honestly didn’t expect him to give me a straight answer. At last, he said, “Grayson Miller.”
“Grayson Miller the kid that moved to Hawaii in eighth grade?” Grayson Miller was an asshole and a bully. He was one of the first ones in middle school to corner me in the bathroom and taunt me about my “pretty long hair” and “girlie body.” He played pop warner football, Babe Ruth baseball, soccer, and basketball. He was bigger than most of the boys in our class and if I remember correctly he had almost a full mustache at thirteen.
Ryan cleared his throat. He looked uncomfortable as hell and I felt bad. But, I really felt like this was a conversation we both needed to have. He started talking and the look in his green eyes was suddenly far away like he was reliving that night. I listened quietly and didn’t interrupt. Even though it was a long time ago and way before Ryan and I ever got together, it wasn’t easy for me to hear.
“It was seventh grade and we were at one of Scott’s birthday parties. His parents used to let him have girls at his parties and he’d invited all the girls every boy thought was hot in our class. It was getting late and almost time for everyone to go home when Scott suddenly said we were going to go into the barn and play a game. We got out there and he had us all sit in a circle and he wrote down all of our names. He said the game was called, “Seven minutes in heaven.” He put the girl’s names in one coffee can and the guy’s names in another…supposedly. He always acted jealous of Grayson so I wondered about that later…but anyways. He would draw one name from each can and those two people would have to spend seven minutes in the tack closet with the door closed and locked. The idea was to get a kiss or cop a feel or whatever she would let you do. It was the third go-round when he pulled my name from the boys can. I remember being a nervous wreck. I didn’t know what to do if I got put in the closet with a girl and I was terrified it would be one of the girls that would come out and tell Scott that. As it turned out I didn’t have to worry about that. He pulled Grayson’s name out of the girls’ can. Everyone laughed and kind of waited for him to correct his mistake. I told him to fuck off…but Grayson was never one to back down from a challenge. Scott started talking shit and asking me if I was afraid I couldn’t control my “urges” alone with Grayson. Grayson got in his face and t
hreatened to kick his ass…but he still wouldn’t back down. He pushed Scott against the wall and went over and stepped into the closet. Then he looked at me and said, “You coming, pussy?”
I never considered what I felt for Grayson as anything other than weird enough that I’d never tell anyone. But Scott was right and so was Grayson. I was being a pussy. I was scared to death to be alone with him in the dark. I wasn’t planning on touching him, but I was afraid he’d be able to look at me and he’d know. Anyways, I was fucked with these assholes either way, so I followed him in there and closed the door. Scott yelled out for us to turn off the light and lock the door, so I did. It got really quiet like they were out there listening. I could hear Grayson breathing heavy, but I couldn't see him. I felt him move and I was shocked when I felt his body against me all of a sudden. I stepped back so my back was against the wall and he took another step toward me and I was trapped with my back against the door. I was almost in a state of panic because I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I just froze and then suddenly he whispered,
“I want to touch you.” I still didn’t speak. I’m not sure I could. The fear was choking me. “So can I, or what?” I nodded. I didn’t want to admit it but I wanted him to touch me. He slid his hand down inside my jeans and I got hard immediately. My eyes were adjusting to the light and I saw him smile. I expected him to yell for Scott and the others and tell them but instead he said, “I got a feeling you were like me.” He pulled his hand out then and took a step back. We stood there in the dark for another five and a half minutes or so just listening to each other breathing, and me willing myself to go down. When Scott banged on the door to tell us time was up Grayson whispered,
“I know you liked it but you better not ever tell a living soul. I’ll deny it and I’ll kick your ass.” I nodded again and unlocked the door and we both walked out and acted like nothing happened. I was thanking God for the baggy jeans that were in style. Scott, of course, made a bunch of crude accusations and Grayson threatened to kick his ass. Then the party was over and even though Grayson never mentioned it again and I never told a soul, I couldn’t stop thinking about him even after he moved away. I was ashamed and turned on by the memory all at the same time, but I never even came close to letting another guy touch me, until you.”