by Nicole Trope
I hope you write back, Caro. I hope you can forgive me. I hope we can still have some kind of a friendship.
Caro had cried for days after that first letter. She had been angry and sad, and everything in between, but in the end, she had felt only sympathy for how lost Anna must have been feeling.
‘Dear Anna,’ she had begun in her head before deciding not to write back. ‘Dear Anna,’ she had written on the first page of a pale pink writing pad and then torn off the sheet and crumpled it up. ‘Dear Anna,’ she had finally started her letter to her friend.
I miss you. Sometimes I think about us laughing over cake and I feel an ache inside my body. We laughed a lot didn’t we, even though our lives were falling apart? I know I’ve said “I’m sorry,” countless times but I wanted to say it again. I’m sorry, Anna. I shouldn’t have left my couch. I shouldn’t have gotten into my car. I shouldn’t have been there. But mostly I’m sorry that I failed to see you weren’t just waving. I was wrapped up in my own life, consumed by my own pain and I didn’t see you go under. I used to comfort myself with the idea that I was a good person and a good friend because I did try to help those around me. But now I know that you have no right to try and fix someone else if you, yourself, are broken.
Everything has changed in my life and I feel like I have the energy to be a better friend, to really help those who reach out to me.
It hasn’t been an easy journey. Some nights in prison I used to want to scream into the silence at the unfairness of it all. I don’t know why you and I had to travel such a hard road but I do know that if you walk it, every painful step, and if you keep walking it then there is something better at the end. I hope that you will let me take your hand and walk a little bit with you. I promise to be better this time because I am better. When you come home I’d love to be able to share a giant slab of chocolate mud cake with you and maybe a few more laughs.
Love, your friend, Caro
Anna’s next letter had arrived after a week and then they arrived every week in response to Caro’s replies.
It had taken Caro months to work up the courage to ask Anna the question that had been on her mind since the day her friend revealed the truth: How did you know it was going to be my car that turned into the cul-de-sac? How could you be sure?
When she finally wrote this down and sent it to Anna in a letter, she didn’t hear from Anna for weeks. It was the first time in months that her letters had not arrived regularly.
‘I’ll never hear from her again,’ she thought.
But finally, there was an answer. It never occurred to me that it would be anyone else, Caro. You saved me. You always saved me.
Caro had felt she should be angry, feel used, hate Anna for throwing her into the middle of a catastrophe, but in the end all she felt was desperate sorrow for someone who was so completely lost and who thought that she was utterly alone.
Anna’s final letter had simply been a request: Can you meet me when I leave the hospital? My mother has said she’ll come but I think I would like it to be you. I am going to be living with my mother, but I would like to see you when I can and if you have the time. Can you meet me, Caro? Can you?
‘No way,’ said Geoff when Caro told him.
But Caro had known what she would do. She had not argued, had not yelled or become tearful; she had simply stated what she would do.
‘I’ll come with you,’ Geoff had said.
‘No, I’ll take the kids. It will make it less awkward.’
‘Caro, don’t be ridiculous. She’s not sane. You can’t expose our kids to her.’
‘I know her, Geoff. We’ll be fine.’
‘Yeah,’ said Lex, overhearing the conversation from the kitchen, where she was making Gabe her famous caramel salted popcorn. ‘We’ll be fine.’
‘No use arguing with her,’ said Caro.
‘No,’ agreed Geoff, ‘not as she’s going to be studying law, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea.’
‘It may be the last time I see her, Geoff. I don’t know what’s going to happen. She may not want to see me again if she’s trying to rebuild her life. I want her to see that I’m okay; that she doesn’t have to worry about me.’
‘Can’t you just tell her in writing?’
‘Give it a rest, Dad, I want to see her too,’ said Lex coming into the room.’
‘Why?’ said Geoff.
Lex shrugged her shoulders and shovelled popcorn into her mouth. Geoff folded his arms and waited. ‘I guess,’ said Lex, swallowing, ‘it’s because she changed our lives.’
‘That’s my point,’ said Geoff, ‘she changed our lives. Your mother went to prison because of her.’
‘I went to prison because of me, Geoff. You know that.’
‘I know why you must hate her, Dad. I understand what she did to our family, but sometimes when I think about her I feel like the whole thing wasn’t just black and white. I know that Mum would never have gone to prison without her but what if it had never happened and Mum had never stopped drinking . . .’
‘You can’t seriously be suggesting that what happened was a good thing, Lex?’
‘No, Dad,’ Lex had sighed and raised her eyebrow at her father in a perfect imitation of his own gesture, ‘but I think that some lives need a giant catalyst to change their direction. I was never interested in law before I watched Mum talk to the lawyer and read about the trial, and neither you nor I know what life would have been like now if there had never been a car accident. Personally, I don’t think that you and Mum would still be married and we certainly wouldn’t have Gabe.’
‘Lex, I don’t . . .’
‘Dad, she was part of my childhood. Maya was part of my childhood and I want to see Anna again. I want to see that she’s okay. I don’t know why but I don’t resent her for what she did and I want to see her. I’m old enough to make this decision myself . . . okay?’
‘Okay,’ Geoff had said shaking his head, ‘but I still don’t like it.’
‘I understand,’ Caro had said, ‘but you need to trust me on this. Trust us.’
Caro watches Anna approach and feels the strong desire for a drink wash over her. She tries to imagine what Anna is thinking as she looks at her and her children. Caro has not told Anna about Gabe. In their letters they have reminisced about Maya and talked about Caro’s work but Anna has only asked once about Lex. Even though the question was written down Caro had been able to sense how difficult it was for Anna to ask, how hard it would be for her to avoid thinking about Maya at the age Lex was now. Discussing Gabe felt wrong because Caro sensed that Anna would rebuild her life without children and that for her to hear about Caro’s good fortune would be too much for her to handle. She had felt herself unable to simply write that she had a son without having to rhapsodise about him. It had been easier to say nothing.
Anna’s steps are small, hesitant as she gets closer.
‘Maybe this was a bad idea,’ thinks Caro and she feels she can almost taste the burn of vodka in the back of her throat and hear the clink of ice against the side of the glass. But then she feels Gabe’s hand creep into hers and, at the same time, Lex leans down and rests her head on her shoulder.
‘I can get through this,’ she thinks.
Anna stops in front of Caro and her children. Her blonde hair is tied back, there are lines around her eyes and her skin is pale. She is holding a large duffle bag in front of her, as though to protect herself. She looks at Lex and her smile widens and then she studies Gabe.
‘Oh, Caro,’ she says, looking up so Caro can see the shine of tears in her eyes, ‘I didn’t know . . . he’s . . . he’s beautiful . . . they’re both so . . . beautiful.’
‘Hello, Anna,’ Caro says and she can feels the tears slipping down her cheeks, ‘Hello, old friend.’
Acknowledgements
Jane Palfreyman and the whole team at A & U.
Sarina Rowell for her copyediting skills.
Belinda Lee for always knowing the right thing to s
ay.
Gaby Naher.
And as always, my mother, David, Mikhayla, Isabella and Jacob.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
COVER PAGE
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT PAGE
CONTENTS
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
LIST OF PAGES
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